Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause eagle caw audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome to the report, everybody thank you so much cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, its good to have you with us i dont know if all yall have been checking the news lately. I assume you have some information before you come into the building. The fact of the matter is, folks, the 1 2 continues siren alarm nation, this is a colbert alert this is not a drill i have just been handed a piece of paper. Is this paper . Yes, it is. Lets see, this just in it is the first day of fall can we confirm that . And we can. Yes, fall, a time for cherished traditions. Unpacking the sweaters, buying that first Pumpkin Spice latae, remembering were still at war with afghanistan. laughter thats why youve had a string tied around your spinninger for 13 years. And now, this war has reached our shores. The f. B. I. Is searching for three soldiers from afghanistan missing in massachusetts. The soldiers had been training at a military base on cape cod. Stephen folks, i dont know why were Training Afghan soldiers in cape cod. Are yachting skills that useful in a landlocked country . laughter and they wont get very far down the khyber pass in pink pants with whales on them. laughter but the most alarming news of all is where we lost these guys. They were last seen at a local shopping mall. Concern growing with every hour that these three are missing. Stephen so, shoppers, be on the lookout. Memorize these faces laughter applause stephen the guy on the end. I dont like that guy on the end. Hes got a and chances are theyre still in the mall. Withdrawing from afghanistan has nothing on the quagmire of an american mall. laughter filled with lost souls, wandering between kiosks, living off g. N. C. Supplements and hot pretzel smell, never to forget the horrors they witnessed at pottery barn. laughter who buys a cage for their plant . its not going anywhere. And those mall maps will be useless in tracking them down. Dont tell me where i am where are they . Whats this . Im being handed a sbarros box. It says the missing afghan troops were daughter earlier today attempting to cross the Canadian Border and will likely be sent back to afghanistan. Thank god. laughter applause the only remaining danger is if they were radicalized during their time at yankee candle. I mean, 20 bucks for a bahama breeze pillar jar . Seriously. Death to america laughter you know what . Im cheers and applause i think im going to read the rest of that later. laughter nation, a wise man once said. laughter bleep keep going this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. First up, yesterday the enviromental patients came out of their yurts to protest Global Warming in a place synonymous with nature midtown manhattan. An estimated 300,000 people marched through the streets of manhattan for hours today for action to combat Climate Change. This was the largest climate protest in history. Stephen yes, hundreds of thousands of people lined the streets of new york for Climate Change. Or were in line for the new phone. laughter the event was packed with lefty celebrities like sting, mark ruffalo, and leonardo dicaprio. Youd think hed be for icebergs melting. laughter i guess he didnt love rose that much after all. Also in attendance, thousands of angry commuters. The march shut down major city arteries for most of the day, snarling traffic into the evening. Motorists trying to make it down the west side were stranded for hours. I sat in traffic for two hours. I got so angry and enraged. You know when you get crazy . Stephen you hear that, greenies . You lost hoda and as goes hoda, so goes the nation. laughter im not sure which nation. Im gonna say the one that produces the most merlot. laughter so im giving a tip of the hat why dont i drink wine during my show . Thats what i want to know. laughter so im giving a tip of the hat to Climate Change marchers for making thousands of cars burn two extra hours of gas. cheers and applause now, i was not able to be there this weekend. I would like to have been, but i didnt want to. laughter i still showed solidarity with the trapped motorists by keeping my car running all weekend. Of course, i didnt want to anger my liberal neighbors, so i kept the garage door closed. I gotta say, the weekend just flew by and i met the nicest emt crew. Next up, folks, its hard to remember a time when the nation was more divided. Even during the civil war, at least both sides agreed on ironic facial hair. These days, things in washington are so hostile that, according to the brookings institute, fully 75 of salient National Issues are gridlocked in congress. Which explains why the only bipartisan bill to pass this year was h. R. 594 eat a bag of dicks. laughter applause but two senators have taken a bold step to end the gridlock. Reality shows just might be the answer to finding more bipartisanship on capitol hill. At least thats the hope of two u. S. Senators. New mexico democrat Martin Heinrich and Arizona Republican jeff flake spent a week together on a Remote Island for a new realty show. Its called rival survival. Stephen yes, rival survival it combines the exotic locales of the amazing race, the voyeuristic thrill of big brother and the racial diversity of the bachelor. laughter so i want to give a tip of the hat to these senators for proving republicans and democrats can work together. All it takes is the threat of death. laughter jim . As we arrived, certainly didnt have either the conditions to create a fire or the time and really had to focus on the most pressing needs which was finding something to drink and making sure we had a shelter because it was probably going to rain through the night. We found a coconut grove. Just thousands and thousands of coconuts. Thats a lot of Coconut Water which was a lifesaver today. We really needed that. Stephen thank god they found those coconuts. How would they possibly find water in the middle of a driving rainstorm . laughter applause so its no surprise discovery has gone all in and committed them to a full one episode. laughter but congress cant stop here. They can come together to produce more realty tv. I say ditch john boehner, make the speaker of the house jeff probst. Instead of boring legislation, every morning hell pass out challenges like block the farm bill or you have to eat a bug. laughter Mitch Mcconnell gets immunity because his diet is already crickets. laughter but even if we didnt turn congress into a televised lord of the flies, theres still one thing that congress can agree on. The house just voted in a rare bipartisan vote to support the president s plan to train the moderate syrian opposition. The senate went along with the house, approving president obamas plan. A rare vote of bipartisan approval. A rare show of bipartisan support. We certainly welcome the bipartisan show of support from congress, that is a phenomenon too rare these days. When it comes to Americas National security, america is united. Stephen yes, americans have put aside our differences and come together for a greater cause giving Deadly Weapons to people on the other side of the world that we know nothing about. applause all im saying is give war a chance. laughter and im not the only one. America is ready to be america again. That should be the solution. Were tired of being black american, gay american, hispanicamerican. Lets just be americans again. Weve got these people we have to kill. laughter stephen ggut is just echoing the immortal words of dr. King, i have been to the mountaintop, and it would be a great place to launch an attack. Youve got the higher ground. Youve got the higher ground. Well[ male announcer ] are you so stuffed up, you feel like youre underwater . Try zyrtecd® to powerfully clear your blocked nose and relieve your other allergy symptoms. So you can breathe easier all day. Zyrtecd®. Find it at the pharmacy counter. Say hello to stackerz. The treat thats got two tasty flavors. Stackerz aint just a treat. Its got real meat. New stackerz. Sooooooooo meaty. Coors light answers. When cold refreshment calls. Frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Thank you so much folks, as a conservative pundit, its my responsibility to carefully weigh the facts and objectively determine how our president is wrong. And when it comes to analyzing whats going on in skull force one, my hero has always been Fox News Contributor and former harvardtrained psychiatrist, charles krauthammer, who recently enriched our public debate on the hugh hewitt show. I know youve said before you no longer practice psychiatry. Youve given that up. But i want to tempt you to do a little armchair diagnosis here. What do you think is his mental state . Look, i have foresworn psychiatry simply because you really cant do it at a distance. So i decided, when i left psychiatry, never to use my authority. Stephen good for him. He was sworn not to use his Psychiatric Authority. So i guess this interviews over. But let me just say as a layman, without invoking any expertise, obama is clearly a narcissist. Stephen obama is clearly a narcissist. Still havent seen that birth certificate. He could easily be from narcissistan. Of course, being a narcissist is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, when you look up narcissist in the dictionary, its right next to a picture of me. cheers and applause and, yes, ive pasted my photo next to every word in my dictionary. But what can i say . Im a bit of an aardvark. And krauthammer is willing to back up his nondiagnosis with nondata. I mean, count the number of times he uses the word i in any speech. Remember when he announced the killing of bin laden . That speech, i believe, had 29 references to i. On my command, i ordered, as commanderinchief, i was then told, i this. Stephen yes, obama is obsessed with saying i. Cant he find a better way to refer to himself . Me can. And remember the high math that count krautula did for us that speech had, i believe, 29 references to i. Stephen those numbers dont lie. Though, evidently he does. Because ive read the speech and barack obama used the word i eleven times in his bin laden speech, not 29, as compared to krauthammer, who said i 36 times in that interview. cheers and applause stephen now, folks, for the record, i have foresworn my Psychiatric Authority because i never had any and, to be clear, i am not claiming any insight or training or interest in human behavior, but in my laymans opinion, as if i were raised by wolves, i just want to say a former psychiatrist willing to give an onair diagnosis of a stranger, while at the same time claiming he isnt doing that, is not a narcissist, hes just kind of a dick. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause feel it in your heart, feel it in your soul, let the music take control, karamu. New bud light lime appleahhhrita fiesta forever. Inwithout a wrapper. Is the gum you love, welcome to the easy life. I even got this voice over guy to finish the commercial for me. Trident unwrapped, super useful, helps fight cavities. We dip it and shake itrlds best seven times. We hand bread it seven times. We rock it seven times. Why all of the sevens . Because its a lucky number . Jack pot. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody cheers and applause stephen my guest tonight has made a new album with his son on drums. Man, thats a hell of a family chore wheel. Please welcome jeff and Spencer Tweedy cheers and applause hey, spencer nice to meet you jeff, good to see you again. Gentlemen, thank you so much for giving us a monochromatic piece. The two of you have formed a new group called tweedy, the first album, sukierae. Yes. Stephen comes out tomorrow. Spencer, is it hard growing up with a dad who is a musician, did you ever turn to him and say, please, just khakis and a tie once . No, ive always dug it. Stephen dig it. Dig it, dad. I have a lot of fun. In kindergarten, i had a good time telling all the kids my dad was a rock star, and nowadays im a little more low key about it. Stephen did they believe you . Yeah. It really started happening when i would go to school and kids would come up and say, my parents really like your daddys music. And once, like, on the playground, other kids started talking to me about it. I was, like, this is pretty cool. Stephen do you think the two of you could take billy ray and miley cyrus in a fight . Absolutely not. Not a chance. Stephen no . No, i wouldnt want to get in that. Stephen yeah. laughter is this a strict sort of bandmate relationship, or is it fatherson do you have to say, dont make me pull this tour bus over . Come back here, young man . laughter no, my wife and i always joke that hes the most mature person in the family, and thats because he had better parents than we did. laughter cheers and applause stephen now, according to one of your dads songs, the girls really go for the heavy metal drummers, you know, on the landle in the summer. Have you ever thought about playing heavy metal . Well, not so much. I mean, i might borrow a few drum techniques from drumming in the heavy metal world but ill stick to folk in our nice lowkey rock. Stephen the name of the song tonight is lowkey. Well get to it. You should show everybody that picture of him right there. Stephen this is an extraordinary picture of your father. Not that one. Stephen there we go. laughter is this what you were wearing when you met his mother . Probably. laughter stephen well, thats it. Jeff and spencer, thank you so much. The band is tweedy, the album is sukierae. Well be back with a performance well be back with a performance by when cold refreshment calls. Coors light answers. Anybody else frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. Anncr now you can merge the physical freedom of the car, with the virtual freedom of wifi. Chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring builtin 4g lte wifi to cars, trucks and crossovers. Hi mom. You made it anncr its the new independence. Stephen here with a song off their new album sukierae, ladies and gentlemen, tweedy. applause i want to let it be known ever since i was young ive always been a refugee of the very high strung ive always been low key lets let the record show no, i wont jump for joy i dont if i get excited nobodys knows nobody knows aahh ahhh but im going love you the same ill always be your fool and when it looks like i dont care im just playing it cool no, i wont jump for joy i dont if i get excited no one will know no one will know aaah aaah ive always been low key you know me ive always been low key you know me no, i wont jump for joy i dont if i get excited nobody knows nobody knows aaah aaah im gonna love you the same ill always be your fool and when it looks like i dont care im just playing it cool no, i wont jump for joy i dont when i get excited nobody knows cheers and applause stephen tweedy. The album is sukierae good night, everybody cheers and applause cheers and applause its 11 5s this happened on charlo green is a News Reporter in anchorage who happened to be an owner of cannabis, Alaska Cannabis Club and yes her real last name is green. Filling in for mary jane danknugz. She recently filed a report on alaskas fight to legalize marijuana. Lets take a look. And i quit this job. Well, not that i have a choice, but bleep it. I quit. We apologize for that. We will be right back. I am surprised she just doesnt go bleep it, i quit too. In hindsight it was obvious she was going to pursue a career in marijuana when she filed that report on trippy posters that look totally sweet but she w