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The nfl employs some violent people. laughter i know. Who could predict that . But no matter how rough the news gets, you know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough escape into a world of fantasy. And i am personally a huge fan of the genre from the lord of the rings, to the chronicles of narnia to the notebooks of galileo. I mean the earth goes around the sun . Please, i got two eyes, i can see. How did joshua stop the sun at jericho, come on. My love of the forum goes all the way back to high school. I used to feel so alone. It was just cheers and applause stephen ladies, where were you when i was 16 . Back then it was just me an my 20 sided die. In fact, that die was my prom date. I did not get lucky that night. She managed to roll a save throwing against my magic wand. laughter but things are different now. The fantasy market is blowing up. In fact, the twilight series alone has earned over 5. 7 billion. To put that in perspective, if you laid 5. 7 billion endtoend, it would still be more interesting than any of the twilight movies. applause but superheroes, folks, but superheroes are the biggest caped cash cows. Dc has made 8. 9 million at the box office an marvels movies have doubled that, proving once again it is more profitable to be a defense contractor than a journalist. Well, daddy wants in on the scifi santa see cashnado and i recently had the good fortune to acquire the next blockbuster franchise. Im talking, of course, about the adventures of prince hawkcat. Okay. This is the most popular human animal hybrid fantasy franchise ever published in esperonto. I can tell by your reaction that you are huge fans. So i feel good. cheers and applause i feel pretty good about investing my lifesavings in this thing. Of course prince hawkcat is a character everyone can kre late to. Half hawk, half cat, paw prints. Of course hawks an cats are natural enemies so if you show him a mer rohr, will attack himself. Now all i have to do is slap together a movie based on this thing, and get those tickets in to sweaty palms worldwide. And what better place, come on, people are excited and what better place to do Market Research than the mecca of scifi branding and dweebondweeb dry humping comiccon, the holy grail of the coveted 18 to 34 nerd demographic. Thousands of people wearing costumes or kosplay as their favorite characters. Some of them spookily accurate. In order to reach these people, i would have to become one of them. laughter cheers and applause i am hawkcat. I took to the streets surrounded by hidden cameras, ready to fend off hawkcats adoring fans. Here i am, hawkcat. Can you guess who i am . You are obviously eagle very close, eagle is close. Not starhawk. Tell me, please. Stephen what else do i look like besides a hawk. Nothing, i dont know, man. I dont want to. Stephen whiskers. Okay. Put them together. Are you so close. Hawkcat. Stephen hawkcat, prince hawkcat. Oh, okay, now i see sounds good. Stephen thanks, like a cat can lick himself but unfortunately he has a back which is extremely painful. Yeah. Can you guess who i am . Starhawk. No, do you know who i am . No. Stephen do you know who i am . No. Do you know who starhawk is . Yes stephen [bleep] you. I dont know who this starhawk douchebag, is no recognition on the street but i knew all that would change when i got in the convention center, the belly of the geekbeast. These people were the hardcore hawkcat fans. Hawkcat. I fit right in. You can tell me who i am. I dont know. Do you know who i am . I dont, no. Who character am i playing. I dont know. Hawkcat didnt expect to pay 29. 99 for doughnuts. Male hawkcat cant remember hawkcats password. It was magical to walk the very same carpet that previously hosted the American Neurological Association annual expo. Prince hawkcat restored his dwindling magical powers by cannibalizing a distant cousin in the form of a Fried Chicken sandwich. Hawkcat not birdman. A cat but also a hawk. Yes. How hard could this be . Ive got ears and a god dam back. Four letters, its either hawk or cat. Hawkcat. Stephen yes hawkcat. Now that the crowd knew that hawkcat was in the house, everyone wanted a piece. What are you dressed as . Meleficent. Stephen really . Who are you more excited to have your picture with, me or her. You. You probably should go. I have this corner right now. I must say hawkcat likes the hawkkitty. Meow. Who are you . Oh, xena, yeah, i see, excellent. So what are you . I guess im a worker. Great. Really beautiful. Green mile . You could be the new green mile that is awesome. Prince hawkcat had taken comiccon by storm. Now it was time to man my booth and sell my movie. First up, a prince. A battle for all. Pbd. Science, magic, based on the hawkcat series. Cawmeow. Come to me, subject. Hawkcat, get your hawkcat. Soon i had a crowd. What is this movie about . This is about a boy, it is in the distant future n 2019, based on princehawk. Prince hawkcat series of novels. Do you know any chinese . Not chinese . I know the Chinese People go see movies and try to figure out which ones the Chinese People saw. Can i ask you which titles you like better, tales beyond dimension. Terror doubt rot me. Teds big day, or the bionic dentist. Are you chinese . Hes japanese. All right, looking for Chinese People. Thank you. No one has ever heard of it. Not heard of prinses hawkcat, no. Response was muted to tbd but luckily hi also invested in a animated Christmas Movie called manan mananamanana. And i knew how to sell it to eye room full of rocket robots and wiz ars. Have you accepted jesus christ as your lord and saviour. You have thought about accepting jesus christ as your lord and saviour. Have you is accepted jesus christ as your lord and saviour. No. Would you be interested. Not today. Have you seen the veggie tales this is like veg yeaux tales. But with fruit instead of vegetables and banana time travel and its a man. It has a christian message. Yeah, are you guys into that . Pay dirt. Story of jesus christ, told from the point of view of a banana. No, the banana is friends with jesus, starts off as a story about jessus as a little boy. Hes really lonely, because hes god and people dont understand them so he prayed to god for a best friend and god turns a ban anena into a man and he is a manana and they have fun together. And then later, cut to in the werent day there is an atheist, okay. And es a a lawyer, clarence darrow, evolution lawyer. And he wants jesus not to have saved mankind so he gets in a time machine and he goes back to try to defend jesus against pontius pilot so jess you jesus wont be crucified to save mankind and he is like it is so superimportant you dont win this case. And he is like im to the going to be a country lawyer, but i happen to know its my job. I took an oath. All right. So they get him off, then they keep him in the time machine and bring jess to us the presentday. The atheist lawyer thinks hes won but what happened is, is that back in jesuss time they end up crucifying the banana, okay. And all of mankind is saved by the banannar because he knew all of jesuss teachings and saved everybody anyway. Roll opening credits. Thats the beginning of the film. We still are christian but we worship the ban an app. The banana is saved. In the sequel he fights crime and its a musical. The whole thing is a musical. After a long day of pitching my movie, i now had the input i needed from the experts. Can i see your permit. Unfortunately i did not have a permit for my booth. cheers and applause folks, since my lifesavings are tied up in both of these movies, ive decided to blend them in one new film, prince manana hawknana. Its first part is what we have already filmed manana, the second is the story boards for hawkcat and the last two hours is prince hawkcat watching guardians of the galaxy in a movie theatre. Well be right back. applause want to change the world . Create things that help people. Design safer cars. Faster computers. Smarter grids and smarter phones. Think up new ways to produce energy. Be an engineer. Solve problems the world needs solved. What are you waiting for . Changing the world is part of the job description. Join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring americas future engineers. Energy lives here. I thhes got so mucheeds tmore responsibility. Hes the guy that theyre looking to. Sweat it says, im not gonna settle. It means im not gonna stop. Until i get what i need. But im not gonna tell you how much im working. Im gonna show you. Gatorade. Created to help replace what you sweat out. I have big news. Bacon and cheese have been stuffed in a crust. Pizza huts new bacon and cheese stuffed crust with hardwood smoked bacon and a blend of three cheeses. For a limited time, get a large one topping for just 11. 99 and free two liter of pepsi when you order online. Order now at pizzahut. Com. Welcome back. Folks, im a big fan, thank you. Im a huge fan of the pentagons program of giving surplus military gear to local Police Departments. Its the only way to keep the peace in the unstable tribal region of suburban st. Louis. But some folks say Police Departments shouldnt have all these equipment and i agree because it should be going to our schools. New controversy tonight over this military grade armour veekd now in the hands of San Diego Unified School district School District. Hey, the san diego School District needs that mrap to defend itself in case los angeles School Districts get grenade launchers. Which they did. Besides, as the san diego School District police chief explained, its not as scary as it looks. There will be medical supplies in the vehicle. There will be teddy bears in the vehicle. Stephen what a valuable life lesson, kids, when you see an urban military strike vehicle, run towards it for the free teddy bears. And the district, the district has taken great pains to make sure the mrap does not scare the kids. San Diego Unified School District is going to enlist its shop class to give it a paint job, see . Now it just looks like a mine resistant ambush protected ambulance. Only this one doesnt need a siren because they can just drive right over the traffic. Folks, i say this is how we can reassure everyone about having military vehicles rolling down main street america. Because as harmless as this mrap looks here it could look even more harmlesser. I say we mount a giant hot dog on the roof. Now its no longer an 18 ton armoured military transport, it is just the oscar myer assault weiner. Or even better, people love it. People love it. Or even better, we attach a speaker to the top and play music to turn if into an ice cream truck. You know what they say, ice cream, you scream, we all scream when this thing comes down the street. Well be right back. Down the street. Well be right back. cheers and applause ill do this all day. Down the street. Welno one touches it jake, cheers athats final. I dont want to touch it, i want to be in it you gotta touch it, to be in it good point. Let me in there, so i can touch that car. Goodbye i am angry at you bye bye bye bye bye [door be l rings] [door bell rings] [phone rings] hello. Heh. Heh. Hehhehe. Tmobiles is the First National network to give you wifi calling. Now every wifi connection works like a tmobile tower. Its wifi unleashed. Before using her new bank of america credit card, which rewards her for responsibly managing her card balance. Before receiving 25 toward her balance each quarter for making more than her minimum payment on time each month. Tracy got the bankamericard better balance rewards credit card, which fits nicely with Everything Else in life she has to balance. Thats the benefit of responsibility. Apply online or visit a bank of america near you. She cant control herself around chocolate. Shell devour you. Really . Yeah, uh, thanks for introducing us. Anything for a friend. Ooh, strong grip ow fatthe fire of 1880 g at the baccouldnt stop us. Nor did prohibition in the 1920s. Or exile from our home country in the 60s. The bacardi family didnt just survive, we thrived. Because true passion cant be tamed. Everyone is looking for ways while to cut expenses. S unique, and thats where pg es Online Business Energy Checkup tool can really help. You can use it to track your Actual Energy use. Find rebates that make equipment upgrades more affordable. Even develop a Customized Energy plan for your company. Think of it as a way to take more control over your operating costs. And yet another Energy Saving opportunity from pg e. Find new ways to save energy and money with pg es Business Energy checkup. Welcome back, my guest tonight is from the lord of the rings movies, our interview will be adapted by Peter Jackson into two three hour films. Please well cole viggo mortensen. cheers and applause stephen whooo hey, viggo, good to see you again, so nice to have you back. Thank you for being here. Youve been on the show before but i have never had you as a guest. It is a long time goal of mine. Your final season. Good luck with the next place youre going to. Stephen to hell in the end, my friend. Im sure will you do fine. Stephen wherever i go, i dont know, i dont have any planes right now. Viggo, you know, youre a movie star so it means i dont trust you and i blame you for societys ill. Fair enough. Stephen but youre not just a movie star, youre also a musician, a photographer, a painter, a poet. You have appeared in over 40 fills including history of violence, lord of the rings triology. Your new movie, your new movie is called the two faces of january in theatres september 26th. Just give me a little idea here. What are the odds that this interview ends in a naked knife fight . Because i got the knifes if youve got the naked. Im ready to go. Well, this movie does harken back to a bygonnera when men had to drink a lot of alcohol before they would get maked in front of one another. So i think after a few drinks we could show each other our knives, i think. All right, now you play a conman. I do. Stephen is he the hero or the villean because conman doesnt sound good . Hes a kind of bad guy that you want to get away with everything. Somehow. At least thats how i saw it. Stephen we have a clip. Lets show the good guy bad guy. May i finish my scotch first. Yeah . Stephen im going to guess that doesnt end well. No right there you could see i was thinking about getting naked. Im getting there, im getting there. Or at least managing a knife fight. Yes. Stephen after acting for so many years, do you know who you are any more . Because ackers are liars, basically. You lie about who you are to an audience. Is there anything left of viggo . Not much, no. Stephen you do, you have to reinvent yourself all the time. Yeah, i accept it. I like it, i revel in it. Stephen of assuming who are you to a character. Lying, cheating, yeah, all that. So plague a conman was kind of like type casting, really. Stephen the other things that you do the poetry, the music, the art, the photography, why do that . That sounds like much more work than acting is because that involves actually having to produce a physical thing that you give to someone whereas acting you can go in there, you reflect light and youre halfway there. Why would you what is it, what is it about those other things that attract you when you have already got the star dumb. Im insecure. Stephen are you really . A lot of ackers are. No, im restless. I like to be busy. I always feel that life is short and i just want to learn as much as i can. Stephen really . Wow. And i like books, i like to read books, i like to do you, can you . I can, i could, i could, i just dont like to show off by reading. No, i understand that you very good with accents. You can do a lot of different accents. I dont know. What some study, sure. Stephen well, ive got two hats here. If you would indulge me for a moment. One of them is a list of accents, another is something i would want to you say in that accent. Will we take turns. Stephen would you like to take turns . cheers and applause yeah. Stephen okay, great. You first, pick your accent, what accent you have to say it in. Okay. All right. Are they all the same card . No, no in is what i want to you say, this is something you have to say any one of them, okay. I swear it was the dog. Was that ireland. That was ireland you could arwan cousin. I will go next. Here we go. Okay. Spanish. These two dont go welling to for me. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of america. Viggo mortensen, the two face of january, opens next friday, well be right back. I love having a free checked bag. With my united mileageplus explorer card. I have saved 75 in checked bag fees. Priority boarding is really important to us. You can just get on the plane and relax. I love to travel, no foreign transaction fees means real savings. We can go to any country and spend money the way we would in the us. When i spend money on this card i can see brazil in my future. I use the explorer card to earn miles in order to go visit my family which means a lot to me. Pways to yummify with findi5hour energy. Like pomegranate 5hour and lemonade yumbelievable grape 5hour energy and lemonlime soda yummazing orange 5hour and club soda. Yumtastic yum extra strength sour apple and cranberry juice yum there are a million ways to yummify with 5hour energy. Just grab your favorite beverage, open and pour. Get more yummification inspiration at 5houryummification. Com. Its part of a hersheys bar. We break it. We bite it. We sneak it. We smoosh it. We savor it. We love it. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate. I have big news. Bacon and cheese have been stuffed in a crust. Pizza huts new bacon and cheese stuffed crust with hardwood smoked bacon and a blend of three cheeses. For a limited time, get a large one topping for just 11. 99 and free two liter of pepsi when you order online. Order now at pizzahut. Com. Claritind presents two allergy sufferers. One tried nasacort, which could take up to a week to feel maximum nasal symptom relief. The other took claritind,which starts to work on allergies in 30 minutes. The moral nothing works faster than claritind stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a tremendous program for you tonight. Zephyr teachout will be our guest, a law professor, a gubernatorial candidate, truly one of the finestnamed guests i believe weve ever had in on the program. Im excited about that. Speaking of good names, thats the segue, that is the segue, and im sticking with it. The National Football league, you said, a good name. laughter cheers and applause jon a less forgiving audience would have left by now. The nfl, of course, currently going through a bit of an image problem. The nfl, we cant trust these institutions. Institution that has got all sorts of problems. This horrible, horrible institution. You will never find a more wretched of scum and villani. Jon not sure that last part was about the nfl but still, now weve all seen the tape of ravens runningback ray rice, and witnessed the leagues

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