Arrested after he entered an airport terminal carrying an Assault Rifle. Dr. Peter steinmetz was carrying an ar15 over his shoulder when he was taken into custody last week. He told police he visited the airport to simply buy a cup of coffee. laughter stephen, of course. You gotta go to the airport for coffee. Airports are to coffee as bus stations are to nachos. laughter and, yes, steinmetz may have pointed an ar15 Assault Rifle in the direction of a mother and her teenaged daughter, so obviously were not looking at a brain surgeon here. Hes technically a top neuroscientist. Perhaps hes studying the part of the brain that overrides impulse control. The point is, arrests like this are pure discrimination, and that hurts the children. Fortunately, two gun lovers have written a new Childrens Book to help kids understand the open carry lifestyle. Its called my parents carry. laughter it tells the heartwarming story of brenna, her mom, and what looks like her other mom wearing a mustache. laughter unlike other parents, brennas mom and dad carry loaded weapons openly, which might make her feel different, but her father reassures her that, brenna, there is evil in this world and we want to protect you the best we can. When seconds count, the police are minutes away. What a beautiful bedtime story. The world is full of maniacs who want to hurt you and the police cant help. Good night, honey. laughter applause let me just open the window here so you can get a breeze, turn off the lights. Goodbye. laughter folks, i know the kids are just going to spend hours reading this book because its full of thousands and thousands of words. For instance, mom and dads morning ritual. They retrieve their handguns from the locked gun safe and check them to make sure they were loaded. Brens parent were dressed casually. Her dad wore a white polo shirt, tan pants. Her mom wore white cargo shorts and a nice shirt and her wellworn brown loafers. That might seem like a lot of specifics for a Childrens Book but remember a detailed description is important for the police report. laughter folks, my parents open carry is long overdue. I wish there were more firearms in Childrens Books. I mean look at that the very hungry catepillar. Someone is clearly out to get this guy. The entire book is riddled with bullet holes. laughter applause or how about goodbye forever, moon. That teach you to look through a kids window you perv. Or west of all, where the wild things are. And, folks, folks, the 2016 president ial election is almost upon us and i for one captain wait to see who the American People elect next for john boehner to sue. Of course, former first lady, former senator, and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton is the current frontrunner, which is surprising since it sounds like she cant hold down a job. laughter now, secretary clinton says she hasnt made up her mind about whether shes running yet, but me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much. Lets just look at the facts. One, shes on a National Book tour pushing her memoir hard choices. Two, shes extremely qualified. Three, lets forget about number two and just focus on the book thing. Which, by the way, for the record i dont get. Sure, its been on the New York Times bestseller list for seven weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide but i recently picked up the audio book. I like to listen to it when im on the treadmill at the gym ragersizing. Heres the colbert review. Heres my review. This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping. Jim . Tanzanian Prime MinisterMizengo Pinda and i do some planting at a womens cooperative. Stephen did you catch that, tmz. She just happened to be hanging out with mizengo. Not impressed. So shes tight with the Prime Minister of tanzania. I happen to be email pen pals with the prince of nijaesh, okay . That reminds me i should really i should write that guy back. Shiwrite that guy. applause gotta write him. He owes me a ton of money. And theres more. The first time i met the burmese Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi in 2011, we were both wearing white. Stephen really . Wearing white after labor day . Obviously, her nobel prize wasnt in fashion. Again, jim. German chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of humor. Stephen you heard it, folks. Hillary clinton thinks german chancellors are a laugh riot. Heil hilarity. Here, bono sits with me at the piano. Stephen big deal bono sits with everybody at the piapo. Call me when youre sitting with david bowie at a didgeridoo. I just dont buy any of this. There is no way on earth one woman in so many places at once. cheers and applause cheers and applause Hillary HillaryHillary HillaryHillary Stephen dont you dare dont you dare you were checkin chanting my nar minutes ago, 200timers. cheers and applause . Hillary clinton. Now whos a name dropper, stephen . Stephen oh, really . Name dropper . Thats not what my good friend tom hanks calls me. When were hanging out at George Clooneys place. Oh, i love george. I wish he could have joined us when i had lunch with meryl streep and ecuadorian president hamirafael correa. Oh, rafi. He is such a cutup, especially when we go camping with oprah. laughter . Oh,. Does that surprise you . No, o is just what all her real friend call oprah. Q. I know paul mccartney. I nd karzai. Stephen i shared an office with steve carell. laughter . I held highlevel talks with Chinese State counselor dye bing gwo. Stephen well, now youre just making words up. I will have you know, madam, i once did an entire show with president bill clinton. Oh applause i hate to break this to you, stephen, but ive met him, too. Stephen gosh, you know everyone what kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your book . Well, youre not in it, stephen . Stephen oh, arent i . You ever notice how president of turkmenistan gurbanguly berdmuhameadow are never in the same room at the same time. No stephen oh, yes. Stephen and, madam, it is not just your name dropping i call into question. I question cur title. Its called hard choices. But there arent any real hard choices in here. What about negotiating fragile alliances and treaty. Stephen oh, im talking about real hard choices eternal questions like which would you rather fight one horsesized duck or 100 ducksized horses . cheers and applause . Well stephen boom now, i admit that is a valid question. Heres what id do. First, id try to find Common Ground between ducks and horses. For instance, they both grew up on old mcdonalds farm. Then, id establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horseduck dialogue. laughter and, stephen, im convinced with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the pigs and the geese, wed have peacepeace here, peacepeace, there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace. cheers and applause . Stephen eieioh, youre good and now, stephen, ive got a hard choice for you. Stephen bring it, h. R. C. Oh, it will be brought. Your choice. Promote my book or i wont appear on your show. Stephen but you have already appeared on my show. laughter . Stephen no no y learned that from george lucas. laughter . Stephen i met him. Hes a friend. Well, no one will know i got Hillary Clinton on my show. Fine fine buy hard choices, available in bookstores everywhere there are still bookstores. On or our web site down here, okay . Okay. Stephen oh, thank you. Thank you, stephen. Was that such a hard choice to make . laughter applause stephen yes, it was. Hillary clinton, everybody. Hard choices. Madam secretary, thank you so much. Thank you stephen Hillary Clinton, everybody. cheers and applause . Hi can i help you . Im looking for a phone plan. It has to be a great one, and i dont compromise. Ok, how about 10 gigs of data to are, unlimited talk and text, and for a family of four, its 160 a month. Wow, sounds like a great deal. So im getting exactly what i want, then . Appears so. Now, um, im not too sure what to do with my arms right now cause this is when i usually start throwing things. Oh, thats terrifying at ts bestever family pricing. For instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk text, for 160 dollars a month. [ laughter ] [ beeping ] [ laughs ] [ siren wailing ] [ male announcer ] theyll see you before you see them. Cops are cracking down on drinking and driving. Drive sober, or get pulled over. I kind of have four of them. 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Pizza hut stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, you know folks, some have said that the universal language is music. Others say that its love. Yet, ive always had trouble communicating have a saxophone dry humping. The real universal language is english. Its a verbal skeleton key you can use to talk with anyone on earth, except your dry cleaner. Donde esta my pants, abilio so its no wonder the world is desperate to learn english, which has opened the door for the brazilian Language Training company c. N. A. To exploit a dangerous new source of english expertise. We created a tool that connects our students with students in the u. S u. S. A. Retug home. Hello . Hello, hello. Can you hear me . Yes, i can, can you hear me. This is my prght. He has 23 years. Do you know instead of saying, he has 23 years, you could say, he is 23 years old. Stephen nation, this is the most terrifying thing i have ever seen. And i have 50 years. laughter now, that young brazilians are learning english from our senior citizens, it wont be long until they have fluid discussions about sherbet, early bird specials. And brazilian teens are taking more than just language from our illegal immigramps. Thats me and my wife when we were young. Oh, you were good looking. Good morning, dear julia. Good morning to you. If you were here, i would give you a big hug. Oh, yeah, a hug. You are my new granddaughter, and i love you. I love you, too. Stephen theyre stealing our love i love you, too. No nation, these caring human relationships are an abomination. In america youre not supposed to communicate with the elderly. Youre supposed to store your feelings up all year until christmas when you thereto it out with one emotionally charged, thank you for the sweater. Worse, these a. F. C. O anchor olde arming the lords with the wisdom of the greatest gen raingzs. 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A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Whats up, george . Massage chair. My little indulgence. Dunkin french vanilla swirl, my little indulgence. Indulge in the sweeter, creamier taste of dunkins new french vanilla and hazelnut swirl coffees and lattes try one today stephen welcome back. My guest tonight is the director of titanic. Finally, someone went looking for that necklace. Please welcome james cameron. cheers and applause hey, james. Thanks so much for coming back. Good to see you. Thank you. Stephen im sewer excited about your new movie, and the adventure that you went on. Americas number one again, right . You put america back in the drivers seat of exploration. Damn right the sub was built in australia. Stephen okay. Thank you for coming. Thank you so much. We built part of it here. Stephen your new movie is called deep sea challenger 3d. Tell the good people what you did, when your dream was and how you achieved it. I imagined going to the deepest spot on the planet. I got a great team around me, we built a sub,un, the sub stephen this is this is what you went in. This is the sub. And i would go in the hatch stephen lets turn that bad boy around. Youre the captain. All right how big is this thing in reality . How big in reality are we talking about . 24 feet. Stephen and that doesnt make that very big down there. No, probably smaller than the size of this table is the sphere i was in. Stephen how tall are you . 62. Stephen all right, you built it. Why didnt you make yourself a more luxurious cabin. Did you get in and say oh, bleep . We built it in centimeters. I meant inches. Well, you know, budget. Stephen okay. Budget. So we tried to make it small enough that we could get it on to a ship and off a ship. Stephen really, budget . If only you had a more successful career. Yes. laughter stephen im so sorry. Why is this your dream . Youve done youve done all these fan fantastic movies. The titanic, but why why put yourself in this kind of danger to go to the deepest point in the ocean . Why ynot just tape a gopro to a bag of rocks and drop it off . Why do you have to go . I told i told the crew i threw a crescent wrench overboard and said that just went to the deepest spot in the ocean. Getting down there is easy. And getting back is hard. Thats why we had to go through all the tech development. Why did i want t to go . Curiosity. I wanted to see it with my own eyes. I wanted to see a place no one had seen before. Stephen it looks like a cock eyed submarine. It looks like a submarine pointed down. We called it the vertical torpedo. I said guys were going to build a vertical torpedo and drive it straight down as a matter of fact we can. Stephen that was my stripper name. laughter applause okay, lets look lets look at a little clip of you in the vertical torpedo. Release. Release. Release. I think my heart rates up a little bit at the moment that i tell them to release the sub. I start to drop. But right away, theres so many things to do establishing communications and all that. Surface. Deep sea challenger, do you copy . Over. Deep sea challenger, how do you copy, over . Copy you john, loud and clear. Its like im talking to my grandma. Do you want a biscuit . laughter . Stephen how long how long did the trip take . applause how long how long did it take you to go all the way down . Two and a half hours to get down, an hour and a half to get back up, and there were three hours on the bottom. I had hoped for more, like 5. Stephen i dont do math. How much is the total amount . Seven and a half hours. Stephen seven and a half hours. What were the facilities like . You didnt have room for a back bathroom, did you . Not at all, have you ever been on a car trip and you tell your parents you have to go to the bathroom and they turn and hand you a bottle. Stephen really . How much did this cost to make . A lot. Stephen millions of dollars. Millions. Stephen when it came to go to the bathroom you were basically, you were basically an undersea trucker. Yes. Stephen as you said, easy to get down, hard to get up. Once youre down there at 36,000 feet, which is i think you say in here its deeper than everest is high. Plus four empire state buildings on top of that. Stephen okay, how do you get back up . You just crop these weights that are on the side. I throw one switch. The weights come off and i come up like a rocket, seven knots. Stephen how does it feel to be the first man to ever litter the ocean . Did you feel like armstrong throwing a coke bottle on the moon . Exactly. Youre the first person thats asked that question. Stephen okay, okay. Let me ask one other question cheers and applause youve done all this exploration. Youve done all this exploration. Obviously, you need this exploration. You spent this time, you spent this money. When are you going to take the time to do the explorations in here . Ill work on that. Stephen james cameron, thank you for joining us. James cameron deep sea challenge 3d. Well be right back. cheers and applause this is smith forge hard cider. Its like emmett, here. Strong. Sturdy. But not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. Built to refresh. Smith forge hard cider. Oww made strong. Smith forge hard cider. Oww get a large, twotopping pizza for just 7. 99, at pizzahut. Com. A deal this good only lives online, so for a limited time try the 7. 99 online deal, any day of the week when you order at pizzahut. Com. The best pizza hut deals live online. Pizza hut lets show em what a breakfast with whole grain fiber can do. One coffee with room, one large mocha latte, medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, two espressos. Make one a double. Shes full and focused. [ barista ] i have two cappuccinos, one coffee with room, one large mocha latte, a medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate hold the whip, and two espressos one with a double shot. Heh, heh. Thats not the coffee talkin. [ female announcer ] start your day with kelloggs frosted mini wheats cereal. With whole wheat goodness on one side and a hint of sweetness on the other, its a delicious way to get the nutrition you want. Its a delicious way at my professors guidancets kelleand supportschool helped me reach my goal a promotion. At microsoft. Get started with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Funds are limited. Apply by august 29th at devry. Edu. Get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks a month. With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. No overages no contracts well even buy you out of yours. So make the switch today. Olive gardens buy one, take one, starting at just 12. 99. Its back, but not for long. Enjoy dinner tonight and take home a second entree for later. Choose from a variety of amazing entrees. Like new creamy citrus chicken, then choose a second favorite to take home. Buy one, take one starting at just 12. 99. Plus, it gets even better when you make it a movie night with a free oneday rental from redbox. Olive garden, were all family here. Comedy central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org cheers and applause . Stephen thats the report, everybody. Good night from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome. Welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We got a show tonight. Wutang clan is going to be on tonight. The wu history in the making. I mean, i got to tell you, if my name was jason and i wasnt here, i would be very upset about this show. But were wishing you the best, jason. Get home safe and then come and see wu tang with us. But before we get to that, which history in the making, political primary season still happening. Last night huge news results in the g. O. P. Tea party versus establishment civil war. That has been pitting young, hardline, Rightwing Tea Party obstructionists against older ones. [laughter] its the subject tonight. A number of primary votes yesterday, foremost among them, kansas. Threeterm conservative senator thats not him pat roberts. Thats him. He risked defeat at the hands of his own real estate decision. The New York Times revealed he does not have a home address in kansas. His voting address in the state is on a Country Club Golf course. Roberts spent just a total of 97 days in the state of kansas between july 2011 and august 2013. Jon 97 days over im pretur