Jon why do you think that sex between homosexuals is any less safe than sex between heterosexuals . Is it okay for, you know, eight of your friends that youre in love with to captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the colbert report audience chanting stephen thank you, thank you so much cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you cheers and applause thank you. Im glad to hear that your spirits are up because i come to you tonight with terrifying news the internet is under attack shut off your smartphones, close your laptops and remain focused on your tv. laughter unless youre watching me online right now, in which case, to keep you safe, im going to close all your other tabs. Here we go. Youre welcome. Hey, folks laughter we cant be too careful, because your frenemies in china are spin ago worldwide web of lies. Jim . The u. S. Cyber war escalating to a whole new level. For the first time ever, charges filed against Chinese State officials accusing them of espionage. The hackers working on behalf offto the Chinese Government specifically to pilfer information from u. S. Companies. Five officials work for a supersecret spy cell known as unit 61398 believed to be housed in this 12story building in shanghai. Stephen yes, cyber spice its like a regular spy but instead of a tuxedo you wear an adventure time tshirt with nacho stains. laughter the Justice Department has put out this wanted poster to help us identify these dangerous online criminals. So look for it at the post office, when you go pick up your email. laughter and its a true rogues gallery. For instance, gui chunhui who also goes by the alias kandygoo, a clever way to pass for an american, name yourself after our two most Popular Foods and the infamous wang dong, whose name in english translates to peter johnson, jr. laughter it is about time they nailed wang dong i get email offers from wang dong all the time and the pills he soled me never arrived. Now how will she call me mr. Pleasure at sight of extraordinary power manhood . In an attempt to give an edge to chinese industries, these guys stole trade secrets from corporations like westinghouse, u. S. Steel, alcoa and the Renewable EnergyCompany Solar world. Of course, the chinese cant do their own sorely Research Since they no longer have access to the sun. laughter folks, this is a major threat to our financial future. The chinese already know how to manufacture all our electronics. Now theyre trying to learn how to design them. If they also figure out how to buy them and drop them in the toilet when theyre drunk, america will have no no role in the World Economy and just listen to the devious way they cyber hacked our mainframebots a favorite technique the government says, spear fishing, sending an innocuous looking email that when opened secretly installs mallware letting the hackers get access to company data. Stephen this exploits a weakness in our encryption software, the fact that at least one employee will click on it. Theres your problem, that one stupid employee. I mean, how hard can it be just to not click on an email . Ill show you how its done. Heres what you do. Open your email, okay, and if you see a message from someone you dont recognize, you delete it. Now, the next thing you do hold on computer sound stephen just got an email from mr. America q. Safetrusty, subject big job promotion meeting open now. Sounds important. Here we go. Hmm, nothing in here about the promotion. Maybe its an attachment. Oh, hey its a game i just take the files on my desktop and feed them to this hungry panda. Oh he smiled when he ate our Corporate Strategy memo huhoh, times running out. Id better put everything in one folder. Eat quick high score woohoo you know who would love this . Mu buddy who works at the pentagon and forward. cheers and applause folks, last week, my friend karl rove posed an innocent question does Hillary Clinton have brain damage . And ever since karl floated this idea or dropped a floater as we say in the pundit game, the Republican Party has faced accusations they are a bunch of squaredy cats. The republicans are so afraid of a Hillary Clinton candidacy they hope to talk her out of running. Karl rove is very much afraid of Hillary Clinton. This is such a bunch of nonsense and i think it demonstrates how utterly afraid they are of her. Stephen ridiculous. Were not afraid of Hillary Clinton. If we were, why would by laughing like this . starts out laughing, ends up sobbing laughter besides, hillary is the one whos scared, just ask r. N. C. Chairman and harry potter incantation Reince Priebus jim, jim, accio clip is she the candidate that you as the head of the Republican Party must fear . No, i dont fear. I think hillary is a known product. Given the month she just had, i doubt she will run for president in 2014. Stephen folks, i beliebus priebus. laughter i mean, why would she run . In the past month, she faced new benghazi allegations, return of monica lewinsky, karl rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the white house by sleeping with the president. laughter a lie . Probably. But all those questions of character applause all those questions of character have to put a strain on her. I know coming up with them put a strain on me. laughter because running for president sounds fun but this isnt the 90s when republicans pampered the clintons by merely accusing them of murdering vince foster, one of their closest friends. This is 2014, and politics are really dirty now. Take the Mississippi Senate race where just this morning a conservative blogger went into a nursing home, photographed the bed ridden wife of republican senator thad cochran without permission and posted the image online. If thats what conservatives are willing to do to each other imagine what they will do with hillarys secret bed ridden wife. Now im not saying mrs. Clintons in a longterm committed loving relationship with a mature and handsome woman nameddine. Im just saying its out there and if she denies it, how diane gonna feel . If she goes into the fray, the gloves are off and the bell is ringing. I think what karl rove did in that little comment is he gave a real signal to the clintons that were going to play, gloves will be off, dont think well give special treatment to mrs. Clinton because shes a woman. Stephen huhuh ding ding gloves are coming off this is hand to hand combat and the g. O. P. Will not be the jayz to hillarys solange cheers and applause for one thing, republicans would never get into an elevator with that many black people laughter for another, just because hillarys a woman doesnt mean theyre going to pull any political punches or punches, period because punching women is now okay, right tv people . If a woman hits you, to me, you have the right to hit her back. My wife is american indian, and she has this switch that goes off, and i go, okay, you can hit me 12 times. I go, one, two, three, and then after 12, i go youre saying you hit your wife . Ive hit my wife. Got bit by a woman on the collar bone and wouldnt let go. I went i had to get her off other wise, i was going to die stephen hey, you cant blame bob for punching a woman for biting his collar bone. Hes clearly delicious. Once she got a taste of wellmarbled beckle, theres no way she was going to stop that meat is tender, shes marinating in his own sadness. Point is, if were going to stop hillary, nothing is out of bounds. We have to be completely vicious to her, because the only alternative is running a candidate people like. Jim, who do we have on the bench . Senator rand paul is the early frontrunner for republicans in 2016. Mike huckabee jumped to the head of the pack. Check the perry. Ris christie. Senator marco rubio talking 26 scenes stephen oh, my god. laughter weve got to hit her hard well be right back cheers and applause tmobile introduces 4g lte data for just 40 bucks a month. Unlimited talk and text. And no overages. Switch to tmobile and well even pay your early termination fees. Get it now at tmobile. Whon a certified preownedan unlimitedmercedesbenz . Nty what does it mean to drive as far as you want. For up to three years and be covered . It means your odometer. Is there to record the memories. During the mercedesbenz certified preowned sales event now through june 2nd, youll get complimentary prepaid maintenance and may qualify for a twomonth payment credit. Only at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. [ gps ] turn left now. Where are we exactly . I dont know. I was listening to your gps. I dont have a gps. Destination ahead. You have reached your destination. Dahhhhh [ male announcer ] crazy good hey, what are you drinking . Ill take a redds strawberry ale what . Redds i think he wants this. Redds strawberry ale. Fresh like a strawberry. Brewed like an ale. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much folks, back in the a block, i was talking about the internet. I love it. laughter never in Human History have we had access to such a vast compendium of knowledge to ignore while we criticize photos of ben affleck as batman. Nice cat ears. But the internet also has a dark side. It remembers every shameful thing youve ever done and that has hurt a lot of good people, also anthony weiner. Even i am not immune. I recently glueingled myself and found some very disturbing old photos. I mean, what if my children stumble across that and find out i used to be a child my children would lose all respect for me you cant make me clean my room, youre just some old kid laughter luckily, the European Union has pioneered the answer. You have the right to be forgotten. Thats what the e. U. Court told google. European courts now requiring google to remove certain Sensitive Information from the web about customers. Individuals can ask the search giant to remove links to news articles and Court Judgments among other things. Its been dubbed the right to be forgotten. Stephen yes, the right to be forgotten, first proposed by oh, whats his name . I dont know. Anyway, i want to congratulate europe for taking this bold step. Its no wonder they did. I did some googling this afternoon. I could see what why europe would want to hide their past. I mean, the inquisition and the band that did barbie girl . The hague has their hands full. Now anyone in europe can ask embog toll remove links and be able to get a clean slate politicians, the baby sitter, the nice young man next door who has to go door to door to tell neighbors he had something erased from the internet. Theyre not saying erase all records from the past but just cant google it, because without a search engine, the information couldnt have been connected but only with great difficulty. We have to make it harder to find information on the internet. And yahoo answers can only do so much. If only there were ways to store knowledge in a place wherist exists but no one will see or hear of it. Perhaps we could print it occasionally then bind it and house it in a building you need a special card to access. Yeah yeah now, thats the future. Well be right back. cheers and applause woohoo ive been claritin clear for 7 days. At the first sign of my allergies, my doctor recommended taking one claritin every day of my allergy season for continuous relief. 16 days 26 days of continous relief. Live claritin clear. Every day. One night to save the day. Well show them all. Lets go. Well show them all, lets go, go, go. Well show them all. With applebees new lemon shrimp scampi linguine. Every light and zesty mouthful takes you to your summer happy place. Whoo this scampi is amazing [ male announcer ] taste of summer entrees starting at just 9. 99. At applebees. In all its naked glory; thats too hot for tv, [ male announcer ] taste of summer entrees starting at just 9. 99. Stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. A payday bar will get you through your day. Expose yourself to payday. What is this place . Where are we . This is where we bring together the Fastest Internet and the best in entertainment. We call it the x1 entertainment operating system. It looks like the future he has a phaser its not a phaser its my phone he can use his voice to control the tv. You can use your woice . My voice. Your woice. My voice. Vuh, voice. His voice. Your woice . Look. Watch scifi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. cheers and applause stephen welcome back my guest tonight, about to be angry man. Welcome Matthew Weiner cheers and applause hey nice to see you nice to be here. Stephen im excited youre here. Im a little sad on what were talking about because were thinking about the end of madmen here. The first half of the seventh and final season ends may 25, and the second half of the final season is next year. Yes. Stephen whats occasionally known in tv as next season. Yes. Stephen okay, so was it your idea or the networks to split the season in half and milk it . laughter does don work on a dairy farm . Why break it in half . They did this with breaking bad. They split the last two seasons for an organic reason which is because they couldnt make the schedule, so had eight one year and then the next year and the show built in a huge way. Stephen its been on for sen seasons seven seasons. Let me summarize what happened. Don smoked, banged everything on the eastern seaboard, sold california, sold some soap, was grim about it. And smoked some more. Is he a criticism of the american male . Because im an american male and should by taking this personally . I dont think its meant as a negative thing. I always sort of thought that he was about the sort of split message that the american male gets, that you are told that you to be attractive on the one hand, you have to be, like, you know, Little League coach and, like, p. T. A. Guy, great husband, great dad. On the other hand, you are supposed to smoke as much, intrirchg as much and get laid as much as possible. Stephen and get the other guy. And be carnivorous in business. Stephen right. Those two things, im always surprised how much people get off on him winning, but i dont judge him at all. None of this is supposed to be a judgement of the audience. Stephen i was afraid he was judging me. When the show started, he was a shiny object, fun, sexy, but as it goes on, he becomes an even more complex character. Why present something complex . Why cant i just be kind of fun and sexy, you know, good looking guy and then take all that inner life and just keep it down until one day it just kills me and then, you know, my loved ones read my letters and cry forever . laughter that is the theory. What you just described is a good theory. Stephen this is 1969. Yeah. Stephen are you ending the show because youre afraid to show 70s fashions . laughter are you too big a coward to show fringe and leisure suits . It gets bad. Having grown up in that period, my dad had a giant red mustache and bowling shoes and a blazer. Stephen what was your mother like . She had a lightly bleached mustache. Stephen thats nice laughter bunicelaughing. Stephen we even have sainted figures throughout the 1960s with both kennedys and king. But this vision were getting of individuals lives is not necessarily a happy one. Dont you have any happy memories of the 1960s . I was born in 1964 and 1969 was so happy. I was always with my mom and listening to the association on the radio. laughter i was born in 65 and i was always listening to spanky and our gang and my dad listened to judy collins. No, but i had a happy memory. There is a positive element to it which is like you recognize parts of your life. But i really wanted to tell the story that our view of the 60s has been passed down by a certain generation that was even a little bit older than you and i are. And they have a very rosy picture stephen the baby boomers. Yes. Stephen they wont let us stop thinking about it . They think they invented sex, drugs, you know. Stephen yep. O they have a view of it that is a childs view of it. So i wanted to say what would it be like to be an adult who lived through fairly interesting things like world war ii and the Great Depression and then this comes along. And there was tremendous change and the cliche turbulence and free love. But there was free love in the 1920s and the 1930s, the beatnick movement. None of this is new. But they got a lot of education, spending money, focus of the economy, everything, there was a war going on which they were supposed to fight and some didnt, but as a generation before them all of them fought, and they have a very sort of demanding i experience it in real life. Theyll come up and say what happened to this or that . And im, like, im not telling your story. Im telling the story of your parents or your grandparents. So i dont have a judgment on it, necessarily that sounded really judgmental, it did laughter i dont know. I stephen look in the mirror. Yeah, if youre looking for an ending for the series, you worked on the sopranos, okay. Yes. Stephen a great ending to this series madmen would be if, in the last episode, don turned to the camera and explained the ending of the sopranos. laughter cheers and applause thank you so much. Thank you so much, its a pleasure stephen well be right back cheers and applause [music artist Hanan Townshend awareness] we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love these are what we stay alive for. To quote from whitman, o me, o life of the questions of these recurring. Of the endless trains of the faithless. Of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life . Answer that you are here. That life exists and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be . New bud light lime ed with mangorita. Mangorita combines great margarita taste with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. Just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. Also try new razberrita. [ gps ] turn left now. Where are we exactly . I dont know. I was listening to your gps. I dont have a gps. Destination ahead. You have reached your destination. Dahhhhh [ male announcer ] crazy good you have reached your destination. woman this place has got really good chocolate shakes. growls man thats a good look for you. woman that was fun. man yeah. man let me help you out with the. woman . Oh no, i got it. man you sure . woman just pop the trunk. man vo i may not know where the road will lead, but. Im sure my subaru will get me there. announcer love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru