Turn the camera off. Turn that off. Put the camera down. Youre going to want that off. I think that the documentary is finished. It is. See you next week. Shut that camera off. [clapping]. Tonight shocking news out of bit mo, something got out of gitmo. Then san diegos mayor get as caused of gross sexual misconduct. In a related story the San Diego Zoo is expecting a baby panda. And my guest Brian Cranston stars in the final season of breaking bad but dont worry the story c ontinues in americas crippling meth epidemic. laughter science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. This is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen welcome to the report. Thank you. For joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, its incredible. Do you feel the energy do you feel the power at my fingertips . These people ready to fight for freedom. Folks, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Please, sit down, everybody. Im sorry, that kind of love. I had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. Now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. He has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. I knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty with au bon pain. Well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. More than a month after landing atmos you coulds airport ed snowden now is on the move for the first time. The nsa leaker said to be leaving the airport, officially entering russia after being granted temporary asylum. Stephen yes, he has got answer sigh lum in russia where Vladimir Putin shares snowdens passion for transparency. And folks there is startling new information on the nsas secret surveillance programs. It turns out even as he was on the run snowden had time to stop and take another leak. So lets get into the nittygritty details im sorry, im sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we will have to wait. Im getting an oppressed white male alert. Repeat. I have an oppressed white male alert. Tonights victim san diego mayor bob fillner. laughter stephen hes being accused of sexual harassingment by eight different women as well as anyone looking at this picture right now. laughter now the details, the details are a little disturbing so if you have children in the room, theyre about to grow up real quick. Kissing, groping, lewd comment, Sexual Harassment. Those are the allegations. Workers refer to one of his alleged mos as the quote fillner head lock. He puts his arm around their shoulder, pulls it in tighter around her neck, oftentimes pulling close to their face. And tell them youre wonderful. Youre beautiful. I want to kiss. The College Administrator lisa curtain said fillner touched her wedding band during a meeting and what happened next shocked her. He reached over to kiss me. I turned my head, at that moment, and on the side of my face i got a very wet, salivafilled kiss including his tongue on my cheek. Bob fillners former Communications Director says he asked her to work without wearing underwear. Stephen okay, okay, that sounds bad. But we have no reason to think fillner wasnt also willing to work workio underwear. Okay, thats called equal access. Well now Communications DirectorIrene Mccormack jackson has filed a harassment suit saying fillner is not fit to hold any Public Office that is outrageous. If he is fit enough to hold a woman half his age in a head lock, i think hes fit enough to hold Public Office. Now mayor fillner has already expressed regret and told univision san diego exactly how he feels. I brought this on through my own personal frailities. And the biggest monster right now you know, is inside me. Stephen yes. Bob fillner says he has the biggest monster inside him. Adding would you like my little monster inside you . Well, bob fillner is not taking this lying down or pinned against the Office Supply room door. He is fighting back by pointing out that he is the real victim here. Fillner wants san diego taxpayers to pay his legal fees in a lawsuit that one of the women has filed against him. An attorney for embattled san diego mayor bob fillner is blaming the city for the mayors legal troubles. He says that fillner never received Sexual Harassment training, which is required by the state of california. Stephen thats right, its true. It is san diegos fault that bob fillner harassed those women because he wasnt properly trained. laughter its the same way it would be their fault if he killed someone because they never provided dont murder training. And folks its all about the training. For example, when i first started this show my Parent Company viacom informed me i have to provide Sexual Harassment training for my employees. Then after some complaints, they informed me that it had to be antiSexual Harassment training. laughter okay, again, its complicated. But now, folks, im an expert. You could say im a black belt in Sexual Harassment. And its important that i wear the belt otherwise my robe falls open. So to help learn whether sexual advances are welcome or unwelcome lets head over to the grab ask 5800. cheers and applause welcome to the grab ask 5800 which for purpose of this demonstration, is a dont touchscreen. laughter now i will not touch the dont touchscreen because i have not been invited to. Even though, lets face it, its clearly asking for it i mean laughter i mean come on p am i crazy. Am i the only one getting a vibe here. I means whats up, screen . Okay. See . Thats our first lesson. I mean i clearly misinterpreted the screens intentions. I should have asked first, touchscreen, may i put my hands on you . Okay, great. Now si have a lot of sympathy for bob fillner because the sexual rules of the modern workplace are a byzantine maze of capricious nuance. For instance, lets say you feel the desire to tongue your coworkers face during a meeting. laughter what do dow . Not so simple, is it . Thats why i have devised a foolproof system i called dont, okay. Its a handy knew mondayic device. The d stands for dont. laughter and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you. Thank you. And the rest of the letters are just a bonus. You dont need those. Those can go. Okay. laughter heres how it works. The next time, the next time youre with a coworker and youre thinking i want to ask her not to wear panties while putting her in a head lock and growning her groping her boo bs, stop, reassess, apply the system and dont. laughter cheers and applause all right . Folks, just stick to these guidelines and before you know it you will have Sexual Harassment licked, in which case youll need some more training. Euu r hsq q ,xx dtwc welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much. Folks, thanks for joining us again. Ladies and gentlemen, i do not want to alarm you but danger is afoot. And if you have two features in twice as much danger. This is the threatdown. You know, folks, with all that is going on in our lives its easy to forget about terrorists. Especially the ones locked up indefinitely at gitmo. Well, folks, will you not forget this. Forget the koran, the terrorists at gitmo cant get enough of 50 shades of gray. According to jim moran a democrat from virginia part of a congressional delegation, went down to gitmo and he was told yup, number one book for them. Stephen i always knew terrorists hated us for our freedom. Now they love us for our bondage. Which brings me to threat number three, global erotic extremism. Folks, its no surprise. If you ares looking to turn back the clock on womens roles in society, its hard to beat 50 shades of gray. I mean at least sharia law does not contain passages like my nipples harden and he long gate from the assault. Thats interesting. Because mine just receded completely inside me. I think theyre poking out my back right now. Well, this settles it, nation. Im finally on board with shutting down gitmo because the only thing nor disturbing than american detaining and torturing prisoners is the possibility that theyre getting off on it. laughter next, folks, i love coloring books. Fact im in a coloring book club. This months selection is dora the explorer jumbo coloring and activity book. Oh my god, how am i supposed to get through this by friday. Thats why i was shocked when the Pickens CountyGeorgia Republican party alerted me to something truly ter few on the crayola web site. Visit crayola. Coms free coloring pages and the first items on islamic from the ram dan section. And recall ramadan and recall that muslims consider ramadan the month of jihad and the month of victory over infidels. Crayola should remind kids no to the try and draw mohammed les their parents need to fend off muslim and enter witness relocation. Oh, oh t happened. It happens far too you have a en, folks. Remember harold and the purple crayon . Well theyre now living at murray and the periwinkel pencil in boise, idaho. Worst of all f there are islamic coloring books, that means there might be islamic kids. Which brings me to threat number two, minimuslims. And how am i supposed to stay terrified of all muslims when some of them are small and giggle when you pick them up. I mean this just reminded us that before creeping sharia comes crawling share ya,ed to elling sharia and skipping sharia. Soon theyre chanting in the streets death to bedtime. Finally i dont know if i have mentioned it before folks but im antibear. Not a fan. And recently a hidden wildlife camera in an Alberta National park showed us what these killing machine does when they think that no one is watching. Yeah. Kind of adorable but jim, play it again and this time drop the needle. Which brings me to the number one threat to america stripper bears. Nation, folk. These godless twerking machines are turning their forests into their very own episode of grizz gone wild because look what happens next. Girls, girls, girls girl, girls, girls. Stephen who could resist these hot stripper bears. I mean theyre topless and bottomless. So they really should consider waxing. But think about it, you meet one of these ursine beauties at your bodys Bachelor Party and you think youre really conducting, you know, but to her its all about business and just when your hopes are up she rips your heart out and then rips your face off. laughter well be right back. 3p ,ti cn stephen welcome back, my guest tonight plays a chemistry teacher please welcome Brian Cranston. Thanks for coming on, man. Thank soches for being here, were enormous fans in this building. Thank you very much. You got quite the resume, young man. Thank you, sir. Emmy awardwinning actor, writer, director, played hall in malcolm in the middle. Uhhuh. Stephen coming up weve got the second half of the final season of breaking bad. Yeah. Stephen before we get to that i want to show people something. You were a come i con this year but people didnt know. Even when i was on the panel. Stephen take a look, put this up there. This is you Walking Around comic con. Yes. Stephen was this so you could enjoy comic con. It was landon mire built this. He is a breaking bad fan and that is a mask. It looks kind of like i have elephantitis a little bit. Stephen you look a little bit like james lipton from inside the actors studio. Yes. And then you did the power rangers. Stephen were you a power ranger . You were a power ranger. I did a lot of the voice overs. I wasnt a power ranger. I was one of those monsters who would go you can defeat me. So now kind of we know where highsenberg comes from. That was the birth of heisenberger. Stephen you were the danger back then. Yeah. Stephen so lets talk about the upcoming second half of the final season we had 9 creator on here, amazing guy. He cold me, you know what happened. And i would sdechlt and i was shocked. You were shocked and what is it . So then you already know that has a sex change operation. Are people trying to weedel this out of you right now. And i can be bought off, really, im waiting for the right price. Stephen it is basic cable. And are you a capitalist. Stephen yes this is the thing. This is the thing. I love walter white, okay. Because hes kind of a hero to me. Is he. Stephen yeah, small businessman. Made good. Right. Helps the local economy. Yeah. Absolutely. Hes a job creator. I like the way are you thinking. Does very well how are you going to make this a happy ending. Not going to be easy, im sure. Well, the ending is actually very satisfying for breaking bad fans. Its unapologetic, very breaking bad. We hug, we kiss, we forgive each other, we sing cum buy ya. Stephen are you going to miss walter white. Definitely. Stephen are you going to miss albuquerque. Yes, absolutely. Every time i think of new mexico and albuquerque it represents that show. And its the greatest professional experience of my life, so yeah. Stephen so far. So far. We dont know. Stephen you were already a big deal, you know from malcolm in the middle. Everybody knew who you were. applause the characters are very similar. Still getting aplaus the second time you mentioned it. Stephen the characters are very similar. Can we show how similar the characters are from malcolm in the middle and there you go. Those are the two. Yeah. Stephen now why what is it that appeals to you about being in the manties. Basically it comes down to this, at some point you just have to give the public what they want. cheers and applause stephen is this your idea, as an actor does this do anything to be it doesnt do anything for you . I meant as an actor, not an audience member. It was in both scripts. Ironically. That hall wore tidy whitey underwear and so did walter white. I didnt know why until i figured out hes still a boy. And he doesnt care any more so thats why i went with it and its also sad when you look at that underwear, its sad. And then i gained weight. To gain weight to get the love handles and the softness, its like you feel for that poor bastard, dont you . Stephen its like stairing in a mirror. You played the part for five seasons now. Yeah, five seasons. Stephen how long does it take you to get into psycho mode at this point or you can turn it on at a moments notice. You know f someone pushes my buttons i can get into it really quickly. Stephen i really should have agreed on a safe word before we started. Brian cranston, thank you for being here. August 11th is when it starts. August 11th. We cant look forward to it and we we cant. We cant look forward to it because that means it will come here and then it will eventually be over. Oh, but all bad things come to an end, dont they. Stephen yes, and im sure it will be in a good way. Brian, thank you so much. Brian cranston, breaking bad. cheers and applause stephen last season. Well be right back. . nnn . nn . stephen thats it for the report, everybody, good night from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central well come to the daily show. Welcome. Mi john olver, im still sitting in for jon stewart who is currently on an uninhabited island in the pas civic learning about the human condition and befriending a volleyball. Our guests tonight here to discuss his one man show unconstitutional colin quinn is going to be here. cheers and applause very funny man. But we start tonight with our love affair with fast food. Well, not some of a love affair as an unhealthy one way relationship with something that is trying to kill us. laughter but lately that relationship has become a bit more strained. A nationwide push workers calling for a much higher minimum wage. Workers at mcdonalds, wendiesing domino pizza and more will walk off the job today. Heres what theyre asking for. The right to unionize and an increase in wages from 7. 50 an hour to 15 an hour. Make our wages supersized. cheers and applause yes, yes. Corporations be less greedy, give our wallets diabetes yeah, yeah. If you want my [bleep] your happy meal. Yes. Look. This is clearly a complicated issue. And there are obviously economic consequences to any action and reasonable people can disagree on how to help low income families whether its with wages, tax cuts or Golden Tickets that may or may not lead to future ownership of a chocolate factory. But how can these fast food workers even be sure their company can afford to give them raises. Mcdonalds made 5. 5 billion dollars in profits alone last year. Yeah. Okay then. To be honest i didnt realize the golden arches were literally 24 karat gold. Also, also, just to be honest, that 5. 5 billion isnt all from food sales. Twothirds of that, the hamburgler made by speculating on futures. Totally legal, thats the incredible thing. He didnt commit a crime. Look, deep down most businesses would love to help the most vul never vulnerable members of society. Their question is just whats in it for them. You put money in the pockets of workers, theyre going to spend t often at the very establishments theyre working at it will fuel a positive cycle. If we were to raise the federal minimum wage to 10. 10 an hour that would generate about 32 billion in increased consumer spending. Well, that would be good news for everyone. 32 billion, fast food workers would make more money it they would then spend that money on more fast food, meaning that they would have to spend more money in turn on imodium to combat the inevitable diarrhea, chacha ching