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>> the two people who are the most important to me in my life, you and my wife, have the same name. >> hey, look up there. >> watch out, cnn. it's me, regis, hosting "piers morgan tonight." hi, everybody. it's me, regis. remember me. i'm a good pal of piers morgan. we five years ago started "america's got talent." i was the host and piers was a very, very severe judge. oh, boy, was he something. anyway, i'm very flattered to be here tonight and i'm very happy to have as my very special guest someone you don't see guesting anywhere. i mean, he just doesn't do it. people have tried for years. i mean, he just -- he's not a guest. he's a host. and a great host, too. speaking about david letterman. now, you know, you're not going to see david letterman walking in the streets of new york. you can look for him. you're never going to see him. you're not going to see him ever dancing at the waldorf. and you're not going to see him getting all dressed up to go to the metropolitan costume ball here in new york city. he just doesn't do things like that. but you can see him every night on his own show. and i must tell you how all this happened. because as i said, he doesn't really do this. but don rickles and i were guests on dave's show. and rickles was very hot that night. we had a wonderful show. and after the show dave took everybody out to dinner. so we're out at dinner and dave says what's next in your life? and i said, well -- i couldn't even think of what was next. and joy said, well, you heard from cnn today. piers morgan is taking a week off, they'd like you to do a night. and dave said, that's great. i'd like to be your guest. and i said, wait a minute. you want to be my guest? i've known you a long time. are you sure you want to be a guest? "i want to be a guest." i didn't bring it up the rest of the night. just before we broke for -- to go home, i said, dave, now, are you sure? and he said, "i'm going to be there." sure enough, he is here. and you'll see him. you know, on his own show, every night 1:001:35, he's streaking across the stage, looking like a million bucks, he'll come out and give you the best hour of television you'll see that day or that night. ladies and gentlemen, my guest, david letterman. >> oh, boy. >> you heard the applause. >> hi, regis. how are you? >> have a seat. >> thank you so much. >> dave, take a look around at how piers morgan lives. why can't we live like this? >> you know, i had to use the bathroom before i came out here. >> yeah. >> the lighting in the restroom is superior to the lighting on your old show. this place is amazing. it is remarkable. >> well, it's all brand new. now, listen, you're at a place over there on broadway, the old ed sullivan theater. >> yes. i love the ed sullivan theater. >> you did it over nicely. >> we were looking at different facilities around the city. this hadn't even been built. >> that's right. >> and we went in there. and it was a minute or two away from being condemned in actuality. >> sure. >> and by god, in a very short period of time they turned it from whatever it had been into just a first-rate television facility. and i'm from the school that you do tv in the studio. and so i was wondering if it could be in fact done from a theater. but the place is fantastic. i look around there every night and i think i'm so lucky to be a part of a production coming from this place because it's both intimate and it's as big as you need it to be and as intimate as you need it to be. >> and very nostalgic. i've done your show more than anyone else. but we've never really had a chance to talk about our childhood. i've got to tell you something, i had no idea this would ever happen to me, that i would get on television. i had no confidence at all, didn't pursue anything in high school or college like the stage or anything that might have helped me a little bit. but i did fall in love with bing crosby's voice in the late '30s going into the '40s. they played bing crosby every night. i loved him and the sound of his voice and the way he acted. and that was my only inspiration to get involved in this business. now, take me back. when you were a young little guy in indianapolis, did anybody inspire you? did you have a favorite comedian or comic or somebody? >> i mean, it wasn't bing crosby. i mean, you -- this is right after the civil war. i mean, you are way back there. >> i knew you'd say that. >> well, when i was a kid, my mom, before i went to school, used to like arthur godfrey. and in those days arthur godfried dominated television. he had like a morning radio show. then that was -- part of that was a television show also. there was a simulcast of the radio show. and then he had a nighttime talent scouts show on monday night. and then later in the week he had an hour-long variety show. so our household was full of arthur godfrey productions. and i can just remember being fascinated by -- when they would open the television part of the simulcast they would have the earphones and the earphones would just be hanging there to suggest where arthur would, you know, place his head. and there was something about the microphone and the earphones and the equipment that i found fascinating. and i just thought, there's something very cool about this. >> this is september 1st, 1969. i saved this magazine. >> wow. >> for 43 years. >> wow. >> and this is the first year three networks went with the talk show host late at night. and this is merv just started at -- >> which one is merv? this is merv right there? >> this is merv. >> good heavens. >> good heavens. joey bishop, your buddy. and johnny carson. >> he started in '67. and johnny in 1962. now, what were you doing in 1969? were you still in school? >> 1969? >> yeah. that's when this howhole -- >> i was just graduating from college. >> did you have an eye on show business? >> well, it's a silly story. but where better to tell a sill your story than here? i was like you lost and i had some friends that as the grades progressed i realized how important it was to study and make good grades if you wanted to have the same peer group. and i was falling behind. i couldn't do anything. and all of my buddies were math and chemistry and algebra and on and on and on and i was kind of on the soft curriculum. you know, it was shop and that sort of -- nothing wrong with that. i can remember doing so poorly my mom was very upset about it and she said we're going to try to get you into a trade school. and again, that would have been fine. but i was not able to keep up. and then one semester i took a public speaking course. and the first assignment for the public speaking course was a five-minute extemporaneous -- what do they call it? speech. ad-lib speech. >> sure. >> so i got up and did that. and whether it went well or not, i felt it went well, and i realized, oh, this might be my saving -- my lifeline. i might be able to turn this into doing something. >> isn't that nice? >> so then i stopped worrying so much about other things and just knew that all i have to do is find a way that you can get paid for what i thought i could do. whether i could or not. >> when did the comedy phase hit you? you that wanted to be a comedian, you wanted to get involved in comedy? >> as a kid most kids are funny. kids are always trying to be funny. and all of my buddies were funny. and i just thought, well, this would be great if i could jet get a job writing. i'd worked in television and worked in radio. but it was not as challenging or as exciting as i wanted it to be. it was pretty hibtive. you know, you were a weatherman, a news man or a kid show host -- >> so one night you just packed up and drove to hollywood? >> well, in a manner of speaking, yes. in 1975 i did that. my wife and i left, put everything in the truck and went to california. >> went to california. and things happened right away. >> happened right away. but not because of me. it was just in those days as i said before, if you wanted to go to california and become a comic or become involved in comedy, writing, performing, whatever, the blueprint for that was laid out in front of you. every night on "the tonight show." they would have brand new comedians, some returning, some new, and johnny would invariably say before or after, that was steve landesberg, you can see steve landesberg every night of the week at the comedy store on sunset boulevard here in hollywood. and pretty soon you realized that that was an instant connection. >> absolutely. >> comedy store, you knew that they had the amateur night. and then "the tonight show." so in 1975 i went out there. and three years later i was a guest on "the tonight show." it was so much easier for me. and it was great for "the tonight show" because they needed people to -- in those days the show was 90 minutes. >> that's right. >> your show was an hour. just seemed like 90 minutes. but it's the psalm thing. >> you get on the johnny carson show, it's your turn to go on the show, and i think you knocked them out that night. >> i did pretty well. but first-timers tend to do pretty well because in those days they had a wonderful screening system. they would have talent coordinators would come to see you and they would work out a set and they would say yeah, we think we like you and we'll be back in six weeks. and they didn't -- the last thing they wanted to do was have a guy come on and not do well, have a woman come on and not do well. because this was "the tonight show." this was the cadillac. >> absolutely. >> they wanted to look -- you know, there was never a soft moment on that show. >> you're right. >> so you were pretty well guaranteed through working with these people that you were going to do all right. >> and you did just fine because not everybody got invited over to the desk and heard this from johnny carson. >> i had to hitchhike over here this evening. and this guy stops and picks me up. he's driving an old beat up dodge with a bed frame. they kind of go down the freeway at an angle like -- right away i'm apprehensive about getting in. the guy driving the car is wearing a cowboy hat and a hospital gown. see? and he's rolling -- the thing that bothers me most of you will about him, he's rolling the biggest joint i've ever seen in my entire life. he was using pampers. >> i have a feeling from your shot on this show tonight you're going to be working a lot outside the comedy store. >> thank you. >> really. i hope you come back with us. >> i'd love to. >> there's johnny. >> he predict td right there. >> that breaks my heart to see johnny again. please don't roll any more time. >> really? >> i'm coming across the table if you roll another tape. there's going to be bloodshed right here. i can take you. >> we worked for two months to put this together. >> i don't care. i don't want any more tape. >> we're not going to do it. you heard him! cancel the tape! when we come back, we'll talk some more about -- >> now, why don't you get a show just like this? you should have a show just like this. this would be great. >> you think so? >> oh, yes. and they could put it right in the cnn line-up. i'm sure there's room. you got piers morgan. you got pretty boy. what's his name? dawson meehoffer. huh? weather. nice weather coming up today through this tuesday. evening. you don't have anything on your calendar for this evening. fantastic..linguica. i found 5 restaurants whose reviews mention linguica fairly close to you. joke. two iphones walk into a bar.. i forget the rest. that's funny. was it something i said? yes it was. 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>> fine. thank you. >> mrs. letterman, can i ask you a question? >> sure. >> has david ever told you that he hopes that i get run over by a sparklets water delivery truck so he can get the 11:30 time period on nbc? has he ever told you that? >> yes. he talks about it frequently. >> he talks about it frequently. >> frequently. that was pretty good. >> that was your mom. >> johnny. just johnny. >> oh, gosh. did you have a good relationship with johnny? >> yes. but he made me very nervous because he was i think the biggest star in television. and i was just a kid who had, you know, kind of followed the beacon of his light coming out of burbank. and to be on his show was endlessly nerve-wracking. and then to actually be with him in a social situation i kind of have a history of -- i got to know jack parr. >> yes. >> and i had a great deal of admiration for jack parr. and he had worked with hal gurney. and i started to spend more and more time with jack parr. and i would get more and more comfortable with jack parr. and i began to notice that jack, bless his heart, would tell the same stories over and over again. >> yes. >> they were great stories. >> yes. >> fantastic stories. but that was -- that was it. and then the inevitable -- i think he started to dislike me. >> who, jack parr? >> yeah. >> and then i felt uncomfortable. so i was always worried that if i relaxed and got comfortable with johnny the same thing might happen. do you understand what i'm trying -- >> i understand exactly what you're saying. i became friends with jack parr, and i understand everything you're saying. but he never spoke ill of you. he thought you were great. >> well, it may have been something i was feeling that didn't actually exist. but i just thought, this relationship with johnny carson is custom made for me to screw up. because in those days johnny carson meant the world. i mean, that was it. >> yes. >> that was the hall of fame. you wanted that endorsement. you wanted that friendship. because a, if you didn't do well on the show you were never coming back and it was going to be a much harder road if you were not friendly with "the tonight show." and b, to have johnny carson as a friend, oh, my god. that's a tremendous blessing. so i was always nervous about that. >> but you know, i remember it well. you followed him on your show. you followed "the tonight show" with your show. and he admired your show very, very much. he loved all of the different things you were doing. and he would say to our friend peter lasalle, i'd like to do something like that too. so one night they tried it. something about a candy machine that he was trying to get function -- something you that would pull off beautifully. and it flopped. and he never tried again. but i think, you know, he -- there was a bondship that -- did you have a chance to tell him what he meant to you? >> all the time. i mean, the first time i was on the show it was -- yes. all the time. >> good. >> and the last time that i saw him, we were talking about it earlier today, of course the way life is you don't know that that will be the last time, but it turned out to be the last time. and it couldn't have been a lovelier evening. and i cherish that because it was -- it was unusual. it was not going to happen under other circumstances. and it was my wife, myself, johnny and husband wife on johnny's yacht that he had anchored in the hudson. and it was a friday evening. and we sailed off just before sunset and went up the hudson, up under the george washington bridge, which is lovely. turned around. now the sun is setting. we go out to the statue of liberty and see that at night as the sky is darkening, and then you turn around and we headed up the east river, and you see the lower tip of manhattan. and it was a sight and an experience like you never -- you know, you never get to see new york like that. >> no. it really is a terrific sight. i've been up and down those rivers, and it's -- especially at night it just blazes. >> yeah. and he was comfortable and we were chatting. and i knew that i always had -- if the conversation got slow or there was an awkward moment all i had to do was bring up jack benny. >> he loved jack. >> oh, he loved jack. and i think owed a great deal to jack and his delivery and his mannerisms and his humor. and he would just start telling story after story about jack benny. so it was a great evening, and i'm so proud of that experience. >> sure. pbs had a two-hour special on johnny. and i saw it that night, and i couldn't sleep the rest of the night. it kept me awake. you know? it was so sad. the end. you know, that he would leave us like that. it was just -- >> right. well, i remember having that feeling the night he retired. >> mm-hmm. >> because it had become such routine, not just for me but for everybody in the united states. >> yeah. >> to see him say good night for the last time, i found it very, very emotional. i have not seen the documentary you're talking about. >> and how did you feel when i said good-bye or when i moved on? did you have the same feeling? >> honestly, i was puzzled because i thought there's no reason for you to retire. there's no reason for you to leave that show. i misused the word retire. no reason for you to leave the show. >> well -- >> and you've got to see about getting a gig here. because this is ideal for you. >> all right. now, you want to know something? i think you're a pretty good actor. i want to show you a scene from i think the only movie you ever made. "cabin boy." >> "cabin boy." >> with chris elliott. >> chris elliott. >> wait till you see this guy in this scene. >> "cabin boy." would you like to buy a monkey? >> that's it. wait till you see this. it's dave the actor. roll it. >> you know what you are? you're one of those little fancy lads, aren't you? ha, ha, ha. boy, you're cute. gosh, what a sweet little outfit. is it your little spring outfit? you couldn't be cuter. you're so adorable. oh, my. you know, you remind me of my niece sally. lovely girl. she's a dietician. hey. would you like to buy a monkey? >> not bad, huh? >> it was excellent. >> no, you did good. >> it was excellent. don't kid yourself. it was fantastic. >> any aspirations to become an actor? >> no. you know what? i could be a really bad actor. but i'm so thankful that i never had any interest in. because one, once you get into it, they're long, boring, difficult days. and two, i could never be good at it. and if you're not going to be any good at it, what's the point of wasting everybody's time? >> i did an acting bit in "hot in cleveland" recently. betty white's -- >> oh, yeah. i think i read about that in the "times." >> and i had trouble remembering the lines. >> i know. i know. >> oh, my god. i'm not used to that. >> no, i know. if you don't care about it -- you didn't really care about it. it was just something -- >> i played pierre, a gay hairstylist. i cared. >> yeah. i bet you cared. >> dave, when we come back, i want to talk to you about the serious side. >> yeah. oh. >> everything from your heart surgery to the days that followed 9/11 and you brought television back to america. >> mm. >> back in a moment. there are a lot of warning lights and sounds vying for your attention. so we invented a warning.. you can feel. introducing the all new cadillac xts, available with the patented safety alert seat. when there is danger you might not see, you're warned by a pulse in the seat. it's technology you won't find in a mercedes e-class. the all new cadillac xts has arrived. and it's bringing the future forward. it's got a million more pixels than hdtv. and with six times more coverage, this ipad with verizon 4g lte can really take you places--- yea... ♪ mac and cheese, mac mac and cheese, ♪ ♪ can i have some please ♪ is that my cat... ? noo... yea... the new ipad with verizon 4g lte. more amazing in more places. so i wasn't playing much of a role in my own life, but with advair, i'm breathing better so now i can take the lead on a science adventure. advair is clinically proven to help significantly improve lung function. unlike most copd medications, advair contains both an anti-inflammatory and a long-acting bronchodilator, working together to help improve your lung function all day. advair won't replace fast-acting inhalers for sudden symptoms and should not be used more than twice a day. people with copd taking advair may have a higher chance of pneumonia. advair may increase your risk of osteoporosis and some eye problems. tell your doctor if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure before taking advair. if you're still having difficulty breathing, take the lead. ask your doctor if including advair could help improve your lung function. get your first full prescription free and save on refills at advaircopd.com. you walk into a conventional mattress store, it's really not about you. they say, "well, if you wanted a firm bed you can lie on one of those. we provide the exact individualization that your body needs. wow, that feels really good! once you experience it, there's no going back. during the final days of the sleep number memorial day sale, save 50% on our innovative sleep number silver edition bed. sale ends sunday. only at the sleep number store, where queen mattresses start at just $699. you know what i like about you. i like the fact that you do worry about me and my health. you bring it up a lot. you've been terrific to me in pointing out the various doctors i should go to, especially with my heart situation. and my hip and all of that. but one day recently within the last couple years i had an esophagus problem. >> oh. >> and i -- i don't know how you found out about it, but you brought it up on the show and you were trying to help me, i think. >> right. >> and then you reflected on an old pal of yours, george miller. >> oh, that's right. >> who had something like that. >> that's right. >> i want to show that piece of tape. this is dave letterman and me. >> i have a friend of mine, george miller. >> yeah. >> and when he was a much younger fellow he had a narrowing and he periodically would have to run a hose down his esophagus to open it up. because he had a narrow -- >> why are you telling me that? >> i'm just saying. >> you're trying to frighten me. >> no, no. >> you're trying to frighten me. >> no, i'm just saying maybe that's -- >> maybe it is. okay? let it go. put a hose down your throat. i don't want to do that. >> well, i don't blame you. george didn't want to do it either. >> so is george okay? >> well, no. he's dead. >> oh, poor george. >> which had nothing to do with the tube he had to insert -- >> i'm sure. >> george was a very funny fellow. a very sweet guy. >> yes. he was a good comedian, wasn't he? >> yeah. i miss george. >> to be more serious about this, you went through a quadruple wasn't it? >> quadruple bypass surgery. yeah. >> and then you kind of set me up with the same team to take care of my triple bypass a few years later. but it was so moving the night you came back after a five-week out -- staying out there, getting healed, and you brought the entire team with you. and a whole bunch of guys. i rarely see you choked up. but you were that way that night. >> mm-hmm. >> it was very special. >> oh, we're going to -- more tape? >> yeah. >> it was five weeks ago today that these men and women right here saved my life. and -- [ applause ] no, no, no. >> people applauding that i'm not dead. that's encouraging. >> but that's not the big deal. they do it several times a day. they do it hundreds of times a year. and when you're going through this you think to yourself, i'm never going to be able to get through this. but you do get through it. and the reason you get through it is because these people get you through it. if you ever have to have this surgery, by god, i hope you're blessed enough to go through it with people like these. [ applause ] >> you won't over there and shook each hand and thanked everybody -- >> the interesting thing about it, the head guy, wayne isom, was not in the theater that night. >> oh, is that right? >> he and his family were going to jamaica. and i said, no, no. you've got to -- sorry, we're going to be in jamaica. if you can get a satellite hooked up we'll do it. and so we fudged the wide shot. rob burnett got the guy in the day before he left for jamaica. so in the wide shot we have a stand-in. but then as we go down the line they dropped in the close-up of wayne isom, who was not there that night but -- >> wow. >> -- vacationing in jamaica. >> very impressive. >> it was very -- it was fraud is what it was. >> but you got the job done. >> but we got the job done. you do what you need to do. >> and another memorable night was the night you decided -- or the day you decided to bring the show back that night. because it was right after 9/11. and television as we knew it was shut down. it was all about the news. and over and over again we would live through this horrible phase of our lives. and then one day you called me, about 2:00 in the afternoon, and you said, i'm going back on the air, i'd like you to join me. i was very flattered. and sure enough, you went back. you remember that night? >> i remember that night. and i remember not wanting to go back. not feeling ready to go back. but knowing we had to go back. and you know, my concerns were minimal compared to people who really suffered. but i felt like rudy giuliani kept saying go back to work people -- not to me but generally. >> sure. >> we've got to live our lives and we have to go back to work and we can't this and that and this and that and this and that. and so i was trepidatious about it because i didn't know what to say, i didn't know what to do. but i knew if you were there we could make something of that. >> well, i think -- i think we finally did near the end. >> and poor -- dan rather was on that show. >> i felt bad. >> he's as strong and tough as a news reporter could be and he kind of sobbed that night a little bit. but it was the right judgment to make that night. and all of television followed your lead and got back something back to normal. i think these are great moments on television. >> well, thank you. i -- well, thank you. i don't know what to say beyond that. you know, circumstantial. i was reacting. there was nothing i initiated. it was all me reacting. and it was all i think rudy giuliani. i mean, wasn't he the light that led everybody through it? >> no doubt about it. >> i mean, i can remember flying back to the city and looking downtown and all saw were the rising pillars of smoke. >> terrible. >> and i just thought, i can't -- i don't -- >> giuliani was a powerhouse, no doubt about it. but you know, you told a stor that night about the folks in montana, this little town. 1600 people. >> yeah. 2600. >> and they raised money -- >> $10,000 to help new york city. and i found that touching. because it's a tiny town. and it's about the same population they had in 1900. so the population has not grown. it stayed even. and i guess that's saying something. but it's a very difficult part of the country to make a living if you're in agriculture. the wind blows most of the topsoil and has for the last several hundred years deas east. so there's not much to plant. so it's all cattle. and that's tough, too. you're dependent on the weather. >> sure. >> and the fact that these people who are really serious about eking out a living that way took it upon themselves to raise money to send it to new york city i thought was touching. >> you're absolutely right. it shows the spirit of this country. >> yeah. and in montana i've made some wonderful friends there and i'm proud of them. >> i'm sure you have. next i'd like to talk to you -- >> you didn't seem certain you when you said "i'm sure you have." like how could this guy make friends? that's what i picked up out of that. because here's how it sounded. "yeah. i'm sure you have." >> you understand? this is the real david letterman. this is why you never see him guesting anywhere! he won't do it! because you're getting to see a little too much tonight. >> all right. >> i want to -- when you come back, i'd like to talk to you about your life as a father, a husband. let's do that. right back in a moment. ones i've made. ones we've all made. about marriage. children. money. about tomorrow. here's to good decisions. who matters most to you says the most about you. massmutual is owned by our policyholders so they matter most to us. massmutual. we'll help you get there. how do you like it so far? one of a kind. you'll never see this again as long as we live! it's one of a kind. one night only. >> all right, regis. >> one hour only. regis and dave. >> get a hold of yourself. >> okay. i must say, i think y've changed since little harry has come into the world and joined you. what do you think? >> well, you have to. you know, because life is no longer solely about you. it's about him. but again, i hate to say much about it because it's like oh, i guess letterman's the first human to have a child. but that's the way you feel, isn't it? >> sure. >> and as i'm fond of saying, your life doesn't really begin in the important ways until you've had a child. >> does he know what you do for a living? >> no. he -- he thinks i have a job at a metal shop. no, he knows what i do. and it's -- >> does he like it? does he laugh? >> yeah. you know, he likes the animals. we have jack hanna come on. he likes stupid pet tricks and stuff like that. and he will watch it from time to time if i think there's something that we -- we had an english bulldog riding a horse the other day. a little rocking horse. and i thought that was cute. and harry enjoyed that. another dog skipping rope. and he got a kick out of that. >> is he a mama's boy or daddy's boy? >> mama's boy for sure. >> oh, that's great. >> but it's just great. i'm old enough now where if i see trouble down the road i'll probably be dead by then and it will be his stepfather's problem. >> hey, you're in such a cheerful mood tonight. you really are. let me ask you about the top ten list. >> yeah. >> i mean, how have you been able to do that year after year -- >> i know. believe me, i'm embarrassed about it as well. >> the poor writers. all of these people struggling to come up with ten funny things a night. >> i'll tell you this. it came to us many years ago on the old nbc show. a guy named randy cohen, i believe, was the writer who proposed that one night we do a top ten list or a top five list. and it was a cheap easy way to refill a category and get some laughs most nights. so it was the doing of randy cohen, who later had quite a run as -- he did the -- he was the ethicist in the "new york times" magazine. >> oh, really? no kidding. >> yeah. so that's the origin of it. >> but is it a chore to come up with those -- >> not for me. i just -- i'm not even in the building. i'm at home having a facial. >> wow. >> yeah, wow says regis. again he's not paying attention. >> how's regina? >> she's fine. she's a lovely woman, and she's just fine. she's -- i don't know what to say about her. we've -- you know, when you have a kid, you do stuff that the kid wants to do. >> mm-hmm. >> and about four years ago harry and i started skiing. and i'd never skied before in my life. and he enjoys it, and i enjoy it. and so we talked regina into skiing. and i can remember we were sitting at the table one time, and i said, so harry, did you hear, mom is going to start skiing. and he said, oh, that'll be great, i'm so excited. and then regina says, "i'm a little worried about this." and harry said, what are you worried about? and then regina says is it slippery? and then harry and i laughed so hard. we just were -- oh, the snow on the mountain? no. it's the new non-slippery snow. you'll be just fine. so that was good. and now it's something that we all get to do in the wintertime and it's a lot of fun. >> i like the fact -- but every time you say regina you must think of regis. >> you know, it's very odd, isn't it? the two people who are the most important to me in my life, you and my wife, have the same name. >> isn't that nice to hear? regina and i are very grateful for that. >> meaning the king. >> king. >> in latin? >> latin. rex is king and regis is of the king. >> right. >> well, that's good. i'm glad you feel that way. >> again. boy, oh boy, the sincerity there. it's just -- "yeah, i'll have another scotch." it was about like that. >> it's very hard to do this -- >> it's fun. >> no, no, no. listen to me. we're going to go back to the top ten list now. >> okay. >> it's just great. we're going to have a little bit from everybody. do we have dave doing the top ten? yes. what has happened to dave since he became a dad. roll this here. >> the category tonight, top ten reasons i'm excited to be a father. maybe you heard about this. i had a baby boy yesterday. and i am a father. thank you. [ applause ] >> number 4. great new excuse for not hanging out with regis. number 2. two words -- swedish nanny. and there is now tangible evidence that i have had sex. there you go. >> now, not only do you do the top ten but once in a while you have guests come on and do the top ten. >> yeah. >> whenever the topic strikes you. for example, when i said i was moving on, how is that going to affect joy, you worried about joy, is joy going to be able to put up with him home every day and night. so you asked her to come on the show and she -- >> oh, i remember that. >> yeah. it was very funny, too. take a look at joy in action. >> yeah. >> top ten thoughts that went through my mind when regis announced his retirement from live. number 8. >> if he thinks he's going to be home all day, i'd better stock up on advil and kahlua. >> yeah, buddy. >> kahlua. >> yeah! number 3. >> if i put him in a wig and a dress, maybe they'll hire him on "the view." >> yeah. >> you're not going to have much trouble getting a dress on him. believe me. >> thank you. thank you very much for that. >> top ten reasons regis philbin is not on the show tonight. number 7. >> you know, i never really cared for this show. >> number 4. >> i'm just not a fan. all right? >> okay, fine. >> have you had a favorite guest over the years -- >> no. >> -- besides me? >> no. we have several. you, brian williams, tom brokaw, bill murray, tom hanks, people who really come and do a great job for us. i'm forgetting somebody that was just on that was fantastic. but it's like a handful of people who are really, really strong, really, really good. >> that's nice to hear that i'm included. >> you would be at the top of the list for god's sakes. >> you know that brian williams wants your job. >> brian williams can have my job. >> he's not going to do the news for the rest of his life. >> he can have my job. >> he wants to come out and hear the laughs. >> oh, he's so good. he's very good. >> he's pretty good. you'd better watch him, dave. all right. when we come back, let's talk a little about politics and late-night tv. >> thank you, regis. we asked the furlow family to bring in their favorite dvds cause we want to show them something new. you ready? let's go. walmart can now convert your favorite dvds from disc to digital. no way. if hulk smash disc... it's no big deal. now you'll never break them, scratch them or lose them. we can use that. you'll never break them. so what do you guys think? we love it. it's only two bucks per disc. that's cool. that's the walmart entertainment disc to digital service. bring in your favorite dvds to your local walmart photo center to get started. don't go in there. don't go in there. they don't listen. a body at rest tends to stay at rest... while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. staying active can actually ease arthritis symptoms. but if you have arthritis, staying active can be difficult. prescription celebrex can help relieve arthritis pain so your body can stay in motion. because just one 200mg celebrex a day can provide 24 hour relief for many with arthritis pain and inflammation. plus, in clinical studies, celebrex is proven to improve daily physical function so moving is easier. celebrex can be taken with or without food. and it's not a narcotic. you and your doctor should balance the benefits with the risks. all prescription nsaids, like celebrex, ibuprofen, naproxen, and meloxicam have the same cardiovascular warning. they all may increase the chance of heart attack or stroke, which can lead to death. this chance increases if you have heart disease or risk factors such as high blood pressure or when nsaids are taken for long periods. nsaids, including celebrex, increase the chance of serious skin or allergic reactions or stomach and intestine problems, such as bleeding and ulcers, which can occur without warning and may cause death. patients also taking aspirin and the elderly are at increased risk for stomach bleeding and ulcers. do not take celebrex if you've had an asthma attack, hives, or other allergies to aspirin, nsaids or sulfonamides. get help right away if you have swelling of the face or throat, or trouble breathing. tell your doctor your medical history and find an arthritis treatment for you. visit celebrex.com and ask your doctor about celebrex. for a body in motion. diarrhea, gas or bloating? get ahead of it! one phillips' colon health probiotic cap a day helps defend against digestive issues with three strains of good bacteria. hit me! [ female announcer ] live the regular life. phillips'. well, you know, it's come down to mitt romney and barack obama. and mitt romney. and he's fighting this image that he has no personality. and the reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality. >> now, you see, over the years -- >> yes. >> -- talk show hosts have not gotten involved in politics. because they fear -- >> it's all different now. >> -- that if -- >> that's right. >> -- one portion of your audience is republican or democrat they don't like what you're saying, they're going to tune you out. >> that's right. >> does that bother you? >> well, you -- i know what your point is. and i have been guilty of appearing to be playing partisan politics. however, i'd just like to say that for the record i am a registered independent. you go where the material takes you. poor bill clinton. no president that i'm aware of got hammered harder than bill president -- bill clinton over the monica lewinsky situation. we beat up on him. we still use him as a reference. and then we were desperate. we thought, well, this was so easy, and then we got george bush. and within a matter of days we realized our prayers had been answered. he's just as good in terms of material. so we -- it may appear to people that we have a slant one way or the other. but if a guy, you know, drops his dog or a guy straps his dog to the his car, or if a guy gets a shoe thrown at him, well, this is where the material is going to be. and so far, it looks like -- in this race in particular, it looks like -- and the same was true for the primaries with hillary clinton and barack obama. i think if you look back on that, we worked them over pretty good, because they were going at it. and then he had this group, i mean, those early debates. who are these people, the ringling brothers? it was just, hello! so i think that a case could be made, yes, that we are leaning one side to the other. but it's not driven out of anything more serious than who is easier to make fun of. >> it's all about getting the laughs. >> you're desperate out there. when you hear the first laugh, you feel better. >> you've made a lot of fun of me. one night on your show, i was found in an alley next to your show. remember that night >> no. >> take a look. >> guess joy and i had dinner with last night? george clooney! >> regis, it's me, dave. what are you doing out there? >> not now, dave. i'm in the middle of a show. >> no, no. i'm sorry, regis, you're in our alley. i don't think anyone is watching your show. >> oh, really? no one is watching your show either, big boy! and that's not stopping you! everybody, let's get ready, we're going to play "travel trivia." >> you've been a great sport. one of the things i love about you, you know we're just horsing around. this is the equivalent of a soapy bear hug. >> can we talk about that later? >> how about this, is this why you gave me this? >> these are so much fun, these scooters. i had no idea that you couldn't ride a two wheeler. who is the problem, you can't ride a bicycle? >> it's not the two wheeler. it's the way you do it. regis isn't use to that. >> let me interrupt you right there. is regis here tonight? >> yes, yes. >> you keep referring to him in the third person. you would have been well deserving to do that. it was a horrible mistake and we had to take it from you. regis, give us the keys. you've heard that before, haven't you? >> you took the vespa back and gave me a beautiful watch. >> are you wearing it now? >> no, i'm not. >> oh, brother. >> he said to me, i hope this doesn't hurt you, this little watch. a nice watch. thank you very much. >> you're quite welcome. >> we're going to come back in a moment. we close this show called "only in america" and i want to show you our contribution to that. but first, we've got to go out singing as we did that night. but they're going to do it right here. >> we're not going to sing? >> you want to sing? >> no, i don't want to sing. you ruin everything. >> go ahead, roll it. please. >> dave, you would make me feel much better if you would sing a couple of lines of "there's no business like show business" with me. i would really sleep well. come on, you and me. ♪ there's no business like snow business ♪ ♪ like no business i know ♪ everything about it is the feeling ♪ when you have diabetes... your doctor will say get smart about your weight. i tried weight loss plans... but their shakes aren't always made for people with diabetes. that's why there's glucerna hunger smart shakes. they have carb steady, with carbs that digest slowly to help minimize blood sugar spikes. and they have six grams of sugars. with fifteen grams of protein to help manage hunger... look who's getting smart about her weight. 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[ male announcer ] it's a network of possibilities -- helping you do what you do... even better. ♪ hewould you mind if to beo... i go ahead of you?omer. instead we had someone go ahead of him and win fifty thousand dollars. congratulations you are our one millionth customer. people don't like to miss out on money that should have been theirs. that's why at ally we have the raise your rate 2-year cd. you can get a one-time rate increase if our two-year rate goes up. if your bank makes you miss out, you need an ally. ally bank. no nonsense. just people sense. ♪ in a world where ♪ there is so much to see ♪ there's still no other place ♪ that i would rather, rather ♪ rather, rather be ♪ [ male announcer ] dip into sabra hummus and discover a little taste of the world. enjoy sabra dips. adventure awaits. you'll be happy to know that it's time to say goodbye to everybody. >> i've had a nice time and thank you very much. and i'm sorry if i bullied my way on your show. but when you told me you were doing this, i thought i would like to be part of that. >> i was so flattered and thankful that you did the show. nobody ever sees you guesting anywhere. you're a very private guy. we understand that. >> i'm rarely invited anywhere, which is fine. it's just the truth of it. >> i've loved every time you've had me on the show. >> thank you very much. >> there was one time you gave me a cigar and we went up on top of the marquee. >> i remember that. we were smoking that night? >> we were smoking that night. dave, i love you. thank you very much. >> thank you very much. it was a lot of fun. >> thank you, piers. see you again soon. bye-bye. ♪ -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪

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