i read a lot of science fiction. that was my reaction. >> i have heard you say that you do believe in, like, pushing toward things you are afraid of. you've talked about standing in an elevator and making it -- and having an awkward experience intentionally -- >> that's awkwardness. i suppose there's fear involved in that, but i -- so your dad dies and your brothers who are almost as big as your dad because they're your older brothers and they hung the moon in your mind. so suddenly this important thing disappears and important things suddenly lose some of their power, supposedly important things. it doesn't mean you love your dad or your brothers any less, but things supposedly have status don't have status anymore. so be willing to be ridiculous or not worrying what people thought of your status suddenly became easier. and actually sort of the bits of