Announcer this has been a response from a school teacher. Announcer this is the late show with Stephen Colbert. Stephen welcomes Christine Baranski, Constance Zimmer and musical guest bon jovi featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi, everybody youre very kind whoo please have a seat please have a seat, everybody thank you very much please, sit down, sit down youre very nice, everybody welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The National Conversation continues to be, how do we keep our children safe from gun violence. Everyone knows this is a crisis, so, for the president , for the republican majority, for the n. R. A. , every option is on the table except fewer guns. Where to start . Yesterday, President Trump held a listening session with traumatized students, teachers, and parents at the white house. Its a good place to start, but it was clearly a test of trumps ability to listen, because he brought along a cheat sheet that included i hear you. laughter applause i mean, people have cheat sheets, but it is a little unsettling that the president needs a cheat sheet for reacting to other peoples emotions. I can imagine the notes he used when he left his wives. Hello. wifes name. its over. You were a nine and now youre a high seven. Thank you, and i hear you, but i dont want to see you. Well, we here at the late show got the actual list. Looks much bigger when hes holding it. laughter applause now, the reason we could see those questions in the photograph is because he was looking at the other side, which says, do this. He did his best. laughter but listening is not enough. Trump knows you have to take action, and hes got a lot of ideas. And there are a lot of different ideas. I can name ten of them right now. Does anybody have an idea as to how to stop it . What is your recommendation to stop it . Stephen oh, he could name ten solutions, but he doesnt want to hog the spotlight. I could name ten, and it would be fixed, but you go first, and ill tell you how many of mine you guessed. Oh, thats one of them. Thats one of them. Thats not one of them. N. R. A. Wont let me do that, but i hear you. laughter applause donald trump actually does have a suggestion to deal with the number of guns. He wants more of them. A teacher would have a concealed gun on them. If you had a teacher who was adept at firearms, they could end the attack very quickly. I think it could very well solve your problem. Stephen yes, arm the teachers im sure its in the budget. Sorry, your school cant afford enough copies of to kill a mockingbird, but, good news, were giving you something that can kill any bird. laughter piano riff yeah. Now, trumps idea didnt go over great with law enforcement, teachers, and people who are children. So this morning, he took to twitter to clarify his position, and doubled down. I never said give teachers guns. what i said was to look at the possibility of giving concealed guns to gunadept teachers with military or special Training Experience only the best. Yeah, trump never said to give guns to teachers willynilly. Can you imagine what this country would be like if anyone could get a gun . laughter cheers and applause that was actually hard to read. Trump tweeted on, if a potential sicko shooter knows that a school has a large number of very weaponstalented teachers and others who will be instantly shooting, the sicko will never attack that school. Cowards wont go there. Problem solved. Yeah, thats what sickos are known for logical reasoning. And what does he mean, weapons talented . Thats not a phrase that i want to associate with teachers. Boy, jim, you sure are handy with guns. Have you considered working with children . laughter he finished, must be offensive, defense alone wont work oh, sir, i think your suggestion is offensive enough. applause and, this afternoon, trump met with state and local officials to talk about school safety, where he tripled down on the idea of arming teachers. Frankly, you have teachers that are marines for 20 years. They retire and they become a teacher. Theyre army, navy, air force, coast guard, people who have won shooting contests and, you know, theyre for whatever. laughter stephen if theres one thing that reassures you as a parent about the safety of your children is when the president says, whatever. laughter cheers and applause piano riff i havent given it much thought. So, shooting contests or contests for whatever. I saw a guy at the carnival with a big mallet do the bangy thing, got the lil biscuit way up the pole. Maybe he could knock the bad guys over the head. Problem solved. Everybody gets a stuffed animal. I hear you. laughter cheers and applause as a matter of fact, he has one specific guy in mind for the job. Im watching john kelly, general john kelly. So hes a fourstar marine. Hes a tough cookie. If he was a teacher of mine, i wouldnt mind him having a gun. Because they know general kelly is the history teacher. Hes teaching about how we win wars, okay . And hes got a concealed weapon, but theyre going to know hes got a concealed weapon because we tell them the bullets are going to be flying in the other direction. Stephen so, parents, you can relax. Bullets wont be flying in one direction. Now bullets will be flying in all directions. laughter but hes a businessman, he knows you get what you pay for. And what i recommend we do is, the people who do carry, we give them a bonus. We give them a little bit of a bonus. Stephen im sure all thats in the school budget, too. Sorry, kids, we had to cut the music program, but you can still watch mr. Hutchinson polishing his glock in the darkened band room. laughter applause jon oh, my gosh stephen or he can play that thing. Yeah. Jon he can play it, huh. Stephen he can play that glock. And again, these tragedies can never be blamed on the 310 million guns in america. They always have to be blamed on something else, like the sad fact that too many of our schools are not built to withstand the zombie apocalypse. We have to harden our schools, not soften them up. A gunfree zone, to a killer, or somebody that wants to be a killer, thats like going in for an ice cream. Thats like, here i am, take me. Stephen does donald trump imagine ice cream saying that to him when he eats it . Donald, im here, take me. laughter put me in your weird little mouth. laughter now, obviously, all of this sounds pretty grim. But dont worry. Donald trump had a message of hope. I think we need hardened sites. We need to let people know, you come into our schools, youre going to be dead. Stephen sure. laughter sure. There you go. Yeah, why not . Especially once you arm the teachers and you rig one of the janitors to explode on contact. Which one . Youll never know. And neither will he. Keeps everyone on their toes. Oh, and maybe change the mascot to gunny, the guntoting gun. Theres a happy image of americas future. And trump wasnt the only one listening to victims of gun violence last night. Cnn hosted a town hall on the aftermath of the florida shooting. It included some of the most outspoken survivors, and parents, but the real star of the show was florida senator and man who just received his cash from the n. R. A. , marco rubio. Now, the crowd wasnt exactly with marco rubio last night. And you know what they say if theyre not with you, youre marco rubio. laughter here he is, trying to explain what he sees as the perils of banning semiautomatic weapons. On the issue youve raised about your background checks, related directly to what you said about the assault weapons ban, its not the loopholes. Its the problem that once you start looking at how easy it is to get around it, you would literally have to ban every semiautomatic rifle thats sold in america. cheers and applause fair enough. Stephen that is a guy who can not read theco room. laughter look, wed have to get rid of guns and then its a slippery slope to dead people. Oh, you would like that . Fair enough. Guess it takes all kinds. laughter now, a lot of people are giving rubio credit for even being at this town hall. It was brave of rubio to show up. Credit to rubio for showing up last night. I commend senator rubio going. Hats off to him for showing up. Stephen heres the thing. Just showing up isnt that impressive he works for those people. If your boss calls you into their office, you cant say, yes, i hit a customer, turned the break room into a sex dungeon, and im currently very high. But i showed up even though i knew youd be mad. I should get some credit for that. Want to get high . laughter applause they do. They get high i know the feeling. Fight it. Fight it. The highlight of the evening was when rubio came facetoface with cameron kasky, one of the teenagers who survived the parkland shooting, and cameron had a particularly pointed question for the senator. Senator rubio, can you tell me right now that you will not accept a single donation from the n. R. A. In the future . cheers and applause stephen oh, thats going to leave a marco. laughter oh. Maybe a skid marco. laughter but rubio had an answer to the idea that the n. R. A. Paid him to follow their agenda no more n. R. A. Money . More n. R. A. Money . That that is the wrong way to look first of all, the answer is, people buy into my agenda. The answer to the question is that people buy into my agenda. You can ask that question, and i can tell you that people buy into my agenda. Stephen yes, people buy into my agenda. I dont ask who, or why, i just tell them to leave the money on the dresser. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Christine Baranski is here. But, when we return, ill be right back here to talk about the n. R. A. s response. Stick around cheers and applause band playing ive always wanted to share a special moment with my mom. Ye i think surprising her with a night ski trip would just be the biggest gift i could give her. Lets make that happen. Shes gonna be so excited. Take me where i want to be. Let me dream, oh, let me dream. I like yours too. Hair. Can i have some . Its not cool to ask that. Thanks, captain obvious. Online dating isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Instant savings now, free nights later. Hotels. Com ohhhhhh, ou guess what i just got . 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Why not enjoy the go with charmin . cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there youre Beautiful People cheers and applause inside and out thank you, jon so, have a seat, everybody. Im still here because we had too much mon log before and well do the rest of it right now. So, before the break, i was pointing out that those who are bought and paid for by the n. R. A. Are willing to blame anything but the guns. Trump thinks its not the guns. Marco rubio thinks its not the guns. But on the other hand, the Florida Legislature also thinks its not the guns, because, after refusing to even debate an assault weapons ban, they took decisive whatever. House bill passed wednesday to have every state school and administrative building prominently display, in god we trust. Stephen thats right, kids, trust in god. Because your lawmakers arent doing crap. cheers and applause piano riff heres the thing, its not just them. The gun lobby also believes god has a role in all this. Just listen to n. R. A. Chief and grandma wearing a grandpa suit, wayne lapierre. And there is no greater personal, individual freedom than the right to keep and bear arms, and right to protect yourself and survive. Its not bestowed by man, but given by god to all americans as our american birthright. Stephen guns are bestowed by god . I guess were going to have to update the sistine chapel. laughter yeah. Less michelangelo, more quintin tarantino. Jon right, right. Stephen it really makes you wonder, is god pro gun or not . Youre darn tootin, stephen. Stephen hey its the lord, everybody. Give it up for god hows it going, stephen . Stephen well, not great, god. Have you seen the news . Yeah, were testing a new version of hell in the american market. Would you say youve abandoned all hope, or some hope . Stephen were hanging in there. Thanks to these students. So, god, is it true that the right to bear arms comes directly from you . Yup. In the garden of eden, they bared everything im talking full frontal, with snake. laughter its a metaphor forpenis, stephen. Stephen i understand that, hence the fig leaf. So you created the Second Amendment . I did. But, like everything i write, you people get it wrong. I said, a wellregulated militia. Does that sound like getting an ar15 should be easier than buying sudafed . Stephen so, people are just misinterpreting it . Yup. Just like when i wrote, thou shalt not covet thy neighbors property. I didnt mean everything. My neighbor just got a sweet new tesla. I covet the heck out of that. I live next to james cameron. Stephen really . Yeah, the titanic guy. Stephen so does he live in heaven or do you live in bel air . Well, we live on the border of bel air and brentwood. Stephen so, you support gun control . Yeah. You know how easy it was for me to get one of these . Say hello to my little friend. No background check. And im a vengeful loner with a messiah complex. Stephen god, everybody thank you for stopping by. Check out these guns stephen always great to see you. A great show for you tonight. Back with Christine Baranski from the good fight cheers and applause band playing atneed different food. Thats why were always adding new brands like Rachel Ray Nutrish so our wide assortment including science diet blue buffalo and pro plan just got even bigger why shop anywhere else . Petsmart for the love of pets. Lackluster lips . Dont think so. Lips lose natural color over time. Chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. Tmobile keeps your family connected with new iphones. Which is great. Unless your parents thought you were studying. Somebodys busted. Join tmobile, buy an iphone 8, get an iphone 8 on us. And now, bring your family to tmobile and get a 4th line free. Hey allergy muddlers are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® zyrtec® starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. And try childrens zyrtec® for consistently powerful relief of your kids allergies. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey welcome back stephen my first guest tonight is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning actress, now starring in season two of the good fight. I have been asked to be a partner at another firm twice the size of this one. And youre wondering if i should go. The offer came from someone who betrayed me. Well, someone who betrayed you once will betray you again. Thats a given. Yeah, but isnt it better to go with the devil you know. I never understood that expression. Why not go with no devils . I just dont like hustling every day to keep this firm afloat. Yes, you do. You love it. Stephen please welcome Christine Baranski cheers and applause band playing thank you thank you stephen hi, nice to see you again. So god is a hard act to follow. Stephen yeah, he sure is. Just ask jesus. laughter thank you for being here. Im happy to be here. Stephen i know youre a busy lady. Youre literally stopping by for a moment on your way to broadway. Yeah, i hope this doesnt take too long. Im on my way to Bernadette PetersOpening Night in hello dolly. Stephen i cant wait to see that. Shes a good friend. Can i wish her a good opening . Stephen yeah, sure. Break a leg, bernadette stephen thats nice. Where does that come from, the break a leg . Thats a good question. You say it in the hope no one will break his or her leg. I actually broke a leg. Stephen when . I was preparing to do mame, another jerry herman musical, and it was february, and i had to go into rehearsal in april, and i was going between a ballet and a jazz class, and i was walking on the streets of new york to a bus stop when i slipped and landed straight on this kneecap and smashed it. This is early february. I had to go into rehearsal in april. So i did crazy rehab. And we kind of renamed the musical lame o or maimed. laughter it was like hello dolly one of the musicals where we descend the staircase and all the fabulous boys are waiting to pick you up and swish you around. I would come off stage at intermission and my knee would be the size of a grapefruit. But i did it. Stephen is it like a broad way dr. Feel good . No, but i got through it, it was amazing. Pure grit. But doing eight shows of a musical is so challenging. Stephen i cant imagine. But you dont have to go down a staircase. Stephen everything is one level because of grandpa shambles. That was actually my stripper name, grandpa shambles. laughter applause i was young and needed the money. You went to oxford and studied . I did. Stephen okay. Well, its a summer program. Oxford has a summary program. Stephen oh, you had to go to Summer School and be held back at oxford. My daughter did a graduate degree at oxford. When i took her there, i went, oxford i went to juilliard. Its like trade school, its like a plumber but its acting. Stephen you go to juilliard and you become a plumber . My plumbers here laughter i love doing libraries and doing homework and raising my hand and getting the right answer, so oxford has adult courses in the summer, and two years ago i took it on t. E. Lawrence, lawrence of arabia. Stephen sure. Last year i did oscar wilde, and this summer i think im going to do the b. B. C. During the war years. Stephen were you always a good student . Yes. Stephen yes. Yes. Because i worked hard. I was raised by nuns, you know, catholic girls school. Stephen okay, sure. Just being the good girl was what you had to do. Stephen tough nones . Oh, my gosh you have no idea. Stephen would you want these nuns to be armed i . laughter just curious. They were armed with rosaries and attitude and i tell you stephen the nunchuck was the rosary . laughter did you go to Catholic School . Stephen i am the only one of my brothers and sisters who did not go to Catholic School. Because the Sex Education there would prepare you for harvey weinstein. audience reacts no, what i mean is they would tell you, if a boy touches you below the neck, he turns into a wild animal, he cant be controlled. Stephen thats not terrible advice. laughter thats what i meant by the nuns. Stephen yeah, okay. Well, good. So we had girls, you know, there was just a lot of necking in high school. Stephen because the neck was still a free zone . A free zone. Anything below there was, whoa laughter so well go to ballet class saturday morning and you would see these girls, they would be doing their ballet, and you would see all these hickeys. Stephen did you ever see one in a mirror . No, i was a good girl. I waited. The nuns said to wait, so i waited as long as possible, until i got to new york. Stephen as soon as you got to juilliard, then you made up. laughter were here season two of the good fight. Its going to be incredible. The writers on the good fight as with the good wife write whats going on in the world. Stephen you had to rewrite the pilot because trump won. Yes, the first scene was me going, watching the inauguration. This first scene starts with me going, because a lawyer becomes a judge hand has no place being a judge like a lot of trump appointees. But anyway cheers and applause no, weve done episodes on sexual assault, white supremacy, fake news. Were in the middle of shooting the Golden Shower tape. Stephen are you shooting the tape or the episode about the tape . Its about the tape. Stephen okay, all right. Well, im looking forward to that. laughter heres the thing about writing for the show, youre writing about characters who are living in this real time, except were not living in a real time, were living in a surreal time, and the writers somehow have to breathlessly keep up with the news. So by the time the Golden Shower episode airs, might be nostalgia, we might be on to something even more outrageous, do you know what i mean . Stephen i do know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. By the time this show airs tonight we might. laughter obviously, youre a star of the screen, but as i said before, youre no stranger to broadway. Youve got a beautiful singing voice, youve won tonys. Have you ever thought of making the good fight a musical . That would be fun. Well, the good fight, i mean, thats so serious. Like, look, this is how i look in the good fight. This is so serious. Stephen oh, okay. And i havent sung in so long. Stephen so you probably wouldnt do it . I dont know, i think it might be it might be cheering on the mean streets of chicago the brutal windy city sometimes you need a lawyer when things dont look so pretty someone in your corner to stand up for what is right you need a Diane Lockhart to fight in your good fight it isnt the good doctor it isnt the good place its different than the good wife but it still has my face because you loved me on that other show for over seven years they gave me my own spinoff just like frasier after cheers cheers and applause stephen with cush jumbo her, too not its the good fight stephen only cbs the good fight you mean, cbs all access. Stephen right. The good fight its a stirring legal drama. Stephen and this year theres an episode where they impeach obama. Actually, its the other guy. Stephen oh, even better. Its the good fight cheers and applause stephen the good fight returns sunday march 4, on cbs all access. Christine baranski, everybody. Well be right back with Constance Zimmer. cheers and applause sup, world . Its the box with 30 savings for safe drivers. Coming at you with my brandnew vlog. Just making some ice in my freezer here. So check back for that followup vid. This is my cashew guy bruno. Holler at em, brun. Kicking it live and direct here at the fountain. Should i go habanero or maui onion . Should i buy a chinchilla . Comment below. Did i mention i save people 620 for switching . Chinchilla update got that chinchilla after all. Say what up, rocco. Say what up, rocco. Everyone has a thing. That binge watch over the weekend thing. More checking in. Or checking out things. No no no no no no no. That tripledouble thing. Doing it yourself or tagging a friend thing. More revolutions in the making thing. That play like a girl thing. That fourlegged friends thing. 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A the sea cow manatees in novelty ts . Surprising. Whats come at me bro . Its something you say to a friend. Whats not surprising . How much money matt saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, ladies and gentlemen my next guest is an actress you know from entourage, house of cards, and now, as a cutthroat reality show producer on unreal. Do i or do i not look like a stripper mermaid . This is how all the girls on this show dresses. Sequins pop, a willingness to participate. No, i brought my own dress. Great if you want to accept a nobel prize not catch a husband. I dont know how to talk about people. No one will be listening, just staring. Come on, rachel. Stephen please welcome Constance Zimmer cheers and applause band playing very lively. Hi. Stephen they are a very lively crowd. Now, for the people out there who may not be versed, unreal is about a realty show kind of like the bachelor. Yes. Stephen and its called its called ever lasting is our show within the show because unreal is behind the scenes of the making of a show like the bachelor. Stephen of a reality show to show how unreal saints. Which is shocking that people didnt realize reality shows arent real. Stephen it says realty in the title. Realtyish. Stephen realtyish shows. Yeah. Stephen this season its more like the bachelorette, right . Correct. Stephen you have a woman choosing the guys. Yes. Stephen which is my jam. It is . Stephen because i dont watch the bachelor but i enjoy the bachelorette. Are youio lying . Stephen no, every summer its the bachelorette. Its her and all the greased up meat slabs they bring in. I just love the guys who are flexing off against each other. Like, what were you doing talking to brenda . You were on the couch more than 15 minutes. Hey, bro, were all supposed to talk to her tonight. You know what im talking about . Then you would like her show. There are a lot of greased up, i call them meat puppets. Stephen of course, theyre just the puppets for you because youre the producer. Im, like, welcome to the Sausage Party and, you know, i really like to call em like i see it. Stephen do you watch any of these reality shows . I dont, actually. Stephen did you have to . Did you have to watch any of this to get ready for it . Like do a ridealong . I dont know if i would have survived. I did i had to watch one season of the bachelor and i asked all my really smart friends who watch Reality Television because only smart people watch Reality Television, right . Stephen right, yes. Okay. And i asked them which season was the best to watch because i never watched it before and they said watch the season with juan pablo. Stephen oh, yeah. O i didnt need to see anything else, that was plenty. Stephen mmhmm. I realize its the same thing over and over again. Stephen are reality shows, like, have you spoken to people who produce reality shows . Have they said to you, you guys have got it right or have they said, no, we dont do that . Well, we were very nervous, right, because we thought people would hate us, and, instead, they really love us. Like, i mean on the street. I mean, as constance because everybody thinks im quinn, right . Stephen your character is quinn king and shes a total hard as. Shes a manipulator, shes a monster. Yeah, and theres nothing wrong with it, right. But i do think its very funny because people watch our show now and think our show is not scripted, even though it is scripted because reality producers have now told me that they will get in their room and they are getting ready to cast their next contenths on their shows and in one of those conference rooms, one of the girls raised her hand and she said, i just want to let you know that weve all seen the show unreal and were not going to let you manipulate us like they do on that show. laughter stephen wow, what a great compliment. Thats what i said. I said that is the greatest compliment i think ive ever heard. Stephen yeah, youve added to americas inability to differentiate between fantasy and reality, thank you very much. Youre welcome. Stephen pulled us further into the madness. Yes. cheers and applause stephen have reality people seen your show and gone, we should do that . I dont know. Sometimes what youve seen on our show, the next night you will see on a reality show. Stephen like what . Well, theres been a couple of times. I think the one time that really i got weirdly excited about it was we made a contestant bleep herself on television. Am i allowed to say that . Stephen nope. Oh, sorry. Stephen nope. I dont even have to ask. I dont even have to ask this time. Im pretty sure you cant say that. I feel like if i said pooped, thats not as good as the real word. Stephen i kind of like it. I already said it. Stephen we get the idea. Its fine. And he was wearing a white dress because, you know stephen because shes getting married. You act like thats a bad thing it needs to show up on camera. Stephen you are a producer. How many times have you made me wear a white suit when i bleep myself . Twice, twice. Go ahead. Yeah. And our show airs monday night, and tuesday night there was another reality show called bachelor in paradise where the guy who was, i think, like the bad guy, he pooped his pants. See, i said pooped that time. Stephen yeah. He pooped his pants on television. Stephen they stole you guys idea so you should get a piece of it. I think they were a little bit like did they do to that guy what the producers on unreal did to that girl . Stephen what did you do to her . We might have put something in her food. Characters on the show, not me stephen do people on the street come up to you and say, you are a terrible person . Do you get that from people on the street . Yes, but they love im so terrible. Stephen lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Stephen unreal returns this monday on lifetime. Constance zimmer, everyone. Well be right back with a performance by bon jovi. cheers and applause band playing this is jim. Hes hyperventilating after opening his verizon bill. Whos that . Thats the version of you that switched to sprint and saved 50 for his family. 50 . it is the best price for unlimited. Plus i got this samsung for 8 bucks a month. Great way to use my tax refund. 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Stephen reissuing their number one album this house is not for sale, with a new track titled when we were us, please welcome back bon jovi cheers and applause we were Young Unafraid we were finding our own way there is no wind there is no rain in the eye of the hurricane every time you climb that mountain theres another one left to climb dont go looking for tomorrow leaving yesterday behind fighting everyday together those days were not to last forever diamonds in the rough when we were us burn the house and torch the skyline there was more than fire in our eyes love meant more than lust when we were us we were one born and raised more than blood runs through these veins cuts can heal scars will fade what we had will never change seasons pass and time will move on you dont ever have to let it go you can only go so far now till youre on your way back home fighting everyday together those days were not to last forever diamonds in the rough when we were us burn the house and torch the skyline there was more than fire in our eyes love meant more than lust when we were us memories are nothing more than ghosts that we let in dont be afraid of them do you remember when fighting everyday together fighting everyday together those days were not to last forever diamonds in the rough when we were us burn the house and torch the skyline there was more than fire in our eyes love meant more than lust when we were us whoa when we were us oh cheers and applause stephen thank you, john jon bon jovi, everybody well be right back cheers and applause its softer than ever. 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