Mind. We just want to say we love you, Merry Christmas and happy life day and dont go over to the dark side like your cousin phil. Now you lay off phil. He just hit a bit of a rush patch. Late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, goodbye internet. Plus adam driver. John earl. With a special holiday performance by featuring and now, live on from the ed sullivan theatre in new york city. It is Stephen Colbert stephen thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, everyone. Hey thank you so much. Welcome, welcome to the late show, everybody. I am your host, Stephen Colbert you know, donald trump [ cheers and applause ] stephen thank you very much. Say hello to jeanbaptiste right there and the whole band. [ cheers and applause ] stephen that outfit is amazing. You look like you are wrapped for christmas yourself right there. Yes. Stephen i like the turtleneck, it is very paul newman. I have got to do it and stay classy. Stephen what is happening . Oh, donald trump, donald trump as we know our president likes to stay busy looking. And today he held a press conference where he bragged about all of the regulations he is cutting and celebrated with a tweet. In 1960, there were approximately 20,000 pages in the code of federal regulations. Today there are over 185,000 pages. Today, we cut the red tape. It is time to set free our dreams well, i dont know, i dont know about free our dreams but about a year ago, i did send my dreams to live on a farm upstate. They are happier there. And he attached a video of himself in the roosevelt room celebrating by cutting through a giant red ribbon. Can we see that from another angle . So on the left there, the bottom left you have got 1960s regulations and the ribbon is a graph showing them rising toward today, but its also representing government red tape, and an actual ceremonial red ribbon that he is cutting to officially open the idea of it ending itself. Apparently, he is eliminating the department of visual metaphors as well. Speaking of ending regulations, does anybody here use the internet . Anybody . Yeah, okay. If you dont, its great. You should google it. It is fantastic. But its a sad day for us web katerrs, the uninternauts, because earlier this afternoon the fcc voted to repeal Net Neutrality. What that really means repealing regulations that prevented your Internet Provider from blocking certain websites or slowing down your data. Now they can. And thats wrong. Because the only thing that should slow your Internet Speed is the number of people also sitting at starbucks working on their screen plays. Yes. Thank you. Until this afternoon, the rules prohibited broadband providers from striking special deals that would give some websites or apps priority over others. So now a big player like google could make their site load faster than a smaller one like etsy which is bad news for my etsy shop, steves sleeves. Some people sell shirts with the sleeves cut off. Steve easels sleeves with the shirts cut off. Steves sleeves, you have the right to not bare arms. Now, steves sleeves fans, right there. Steves sleeves. By killing net neutralities, Internet Providers can basically do whatever they want, as long as they disclose to their users what exactly they do to web traffic. So get ready for more fine print from your Internet Provider. At least you will have something to read while you wait for websites to load. But dont worry, folks, Big Companies like verizon and comcast, who have spent millions of dollars lobbying to be able to block, slow down or prioritize any web traffic are assuring their customers that they do not intend to block, slow down or prioritize any web traffic. Also, the shark lobby says, they dont intend to eat people, even though they have spent millions lobbying to virtual their mouths reclassified as sleeping bags. This is what is co, it looks cozy in there. This is a real hot button issue, as evidenced by the fact that the fcc received 22 million public comments, but an investigation has revealed as many as 2 million of those comments were fake and half a half a million originated from russian email addresses. Come on, russia, cant you just leave america alone . Go rig the winner of norways got talent or something. But the fcc wants you to believe killing Net Neutrality is a good idea, so they sent out fcc chairman and big and tall tooth model, ajit pai. And pai put out a video called seven things you can still do on the internet after Net Neutrality to show all the cool millennials out there that deregulation is super lit. Here are just a few of the things you will still be able to do on the internet after these obama era regulations are repealed. You can still gram your food. You can still shop for all of your christmas presents online. Yeah. Got a bulk deal on fidget spinners. You can still drive your favorite messages right into the ground. And, you know, as a wealthy middleaged man who benefits when giant media corporations get their way, i just want to add, repealing Net Neutrality is totally woke, my Chicken Nugget teens. Szechuan sauce, avocado selfie. I think what i said means something. Of course of course trumps had a rough week. On tuesday there was a big loss by his favorite team, the alabama sex criminals. Gooo please stop even worse, even worse, the press coverage he has been getting has been unfairly accurate. Which is why he lashed out yesterday tweeting, wow, more than 90 percent of Fake News Media coverage of me is negative with numerous forced retractions of untrue stories. Hence my use of social media, the only way to get the truth out. Much of Mainstream Media meadia has become a joke. fox and friends, it is, it is he is right, it is the only way to get the truth out. Before this tweet, i hadnt even heard of the mainstream meahdia, hashtag failing neowyorktames. Maybe he was upset by a scathing op ed in the usa today. This actually happened. After trump tweeted how senator kristen jill grand begged for Campaign Contributions and would do anything for them, the usa todays Editorial Board wrote a president who would all but call senator Kirsten Gillibrand a whore is not fit to clean the toilet in the barack obama president ial library. Wow , wow. That is incredible. That is brutal. That is scathing, especially from the usa today. It could really hurt trump among la quinta inn rewards club members. Now that the usa today is bringing the heat to trump, other normally tame publication, following suit. Highlights magazine had this cartoon. Gallant shares his apple, goofus says, all those women are liars. And den ice dennys place matt now comes with an op ed from paul krugman. Tax an bomb nation over my hammy. In business news, today we was this today . Just today we learned that disney is buying most of 21st century fox for 52. 4 billion. Coincidentally, that is how much it costs a family of four to go to disney world. But here is the thing. It is important. Disney isnt buying all of fox. They are not taking fox sports, the Fox Broadcast Network and also not included in the acquisition, fox news. Which really is surprising, because you would think that the masters of fantasy and imagination would want to be bought by with so Many Properties coming together, this deal means the fantastic four and the xmen can now team up with the avengers on screen. So if you were hoping to see more super heroes in one movie, there is something wrong with you. Because there are plenty. Now that disney owns so many movies and tv shows, they can just go nuts with the crossovers. Nemo can finally help rose from titanic to achieve closure in finding jacks corpse. We have got a great show for you tonight. Adam driver is here. But when we come back, the latest rant from my right wing pundit friend, tuck buck ford. Stick around. Oh, yes. The late show with Stephen Colbert, sponsored by as a person who loves the finer things, this Holiday Season, ive asked for a luxurious new buick suv. fingers crossed. ring in the holidays with buick. Get up to 20 below msrp on most 2017 luxury suv models. Thats almost 7,400 on this Buick Enclave leather. Experience the new buick this Holiday Season for remaining 2017s. Stephen steve mcqueen. Steve mcqueen. John, i am super excited about the holidays but before we get there i am super excited about tonight because you are favoring these kind people here and everybody out there in america the special performance, what is happening tonight . Yes. I am going to play Winter Wonderland just me and the piano here for everybody out there. [ cheers and applause ] the late show primarily a tv show i think it is part of my responsibility to host the show i like to share videos making the rounds on the internet out there, and there is a video that was going around this weekend from radio host and reason his family cant go to red lobster anymore alex jones, if you are not familiar with alex jones here he is a conspiracy theorist who hosts his own radio show on info wars. A place where he wages war on information. He also considers himself something of a mans man. I am animated i am alive. My heart is big. It has hot blood going through it fast. I like to fight too i like to eat i like to have children i am here i have got a life force n is a human. This is that we look like. This is what we act like. This is what everybody was like before us. This is what i am. I think somebody had too much coffee in his cocaine this morning. There is an old clip from jones show that went viral this week, and to prove that the cia is using amazons alexa to spy on all of our homes, jones took a moment to interrogate her. Alexa, do you work for cia . No. I am not employed by them. I am made by amazon. Alexa, i have mainstream news articles that amazon is owned by the cia. Alexa, are you connected to the cia . No. I work for amazon. Amazon has partnered with alexa. You are lying to me, the cia i am telling the truth. Stephen wow. What a battle of wits. Yes. Oh, yeah. That is good broadcasting, if Artificial Intelligence versus national stupidity, of course when it comes to conspiracy talk show hosts arguing with consumer technology, there is no one more qualified than our old friend right wing radio host tuck buckford, host of brain fight. Ultimately all the charges were dropped because the operators of the log flume could not prove that i was not wearing underwear. First more on the household devices that spy on you for the cia the nsa and the pbs Childrens Television workshop. Todays show is brought to you by the letter i am on to you starting with the socalled google home. Okay. Google home, what kind of listening devices did the cia hide in this innocent looking Little Package . Your package of tender bottoms rash wipes will be delivered on sunday. I knew it you are already making up lies about me and my bottom i have got the bottom of a man. Okay . My ass can take any amount of punishment you wipe it with 400 grade sandpaperrer. Okay i am made of hard, red diamond hard meat. My anus is an impenetrable fortress. Like the real fort knox, the one on mars. Beneath the face of sydonia, wake up and go to sleep because your dreams are where we fight them. There is simply no machine in your house you can trust. I am even starting to doubt my personal digital assistant. Big mouth billy bass. Okay . Billy, who controls you . You better spill it because i ate tickle me elmo, and i will go the same thing for you with a butter sauce he is speaking in tongues. Oh dont get away from me. Here, have something to eat. Yeah. Little bit for old tuck. Mmm. Yeah. Only food i can eat now because the fish are the aquatic soldier of the illuminati and we know that fish food is the only protein not laced with mind control estrogen. Plus its an excellent source of flake. Ah. You can pick it up at the brain fight power store. Turn your beta fish into an alpha fish warrior of truth when we return, i find out who is really on the penny. Is that Harriet Tubman with a fake beard . What did you do with abes body, harry . [ cheers and applause ] stephen we will be right back with adam driver, everybody youre that one on my i cant ignore more im gonna miss you but real love is never a waste of time for those who know what theyre really building. Always unstoppable. Do i use a toothpaste thati had whitens my teeth or one. Thats good for my teeth . Now i dont have to choose my dentist told me about new crest whitening therapy. So, i tried it from crest 3d white comes new whitening therapy. Its our best whitening technology. Plus, it has a fortifying formula to protect your enamel. Now i get a whiter smile and healthy teeth, all in one. The 3d white collection from crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. Sorry. I cant make it. Its just my eczema again, but its fine. Yeah, its fine. You ok . Eczema. Its fine. Hey hi arent you hot . Eczema again . Its fine. I saw something the other day. Eczema exposed. Your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. Maybe you should ask your doctor . Go to eczemaexposed. Com to learn more. Stephen everybody, welcome back to the late show. Oh, i am pretty excited ladies and gentlemen because my first guest tonight stars in a little indy movie coming out tomorrow, please welcome from star wars the last jedi, adam driver [ cheers and applause ] stephen good to see you again. Good to see you. Stephen i like the all black. Thanks. Yeah. Stephen it sends a subtle sinister message. Is that purposeful . Is this kylo ren in public look. Sure. Yeah. Stephen okay. Why not . Why not . You this is your second star wars big opening. Do you feel like more excitement from fans this time . Is there more hype . Is there more energy . More anticipation . How would you compare it to last time . Yes. But i think it is because i am less in a coma. The first time, it was more it was a lot but this time, i think i have time to breathe a little bit. Stephen it was just so much last time, i dont know how to receive it yes, i have no barometer for what is going on but this time i can look around a. Stephen do you enjoy this one more, in opening more than last time. I remember it more. Stephen that is always good to remember things. I think so i mean the first one, the first one is always kind of special, because no one knows what it is. Stephen you never forget your first one. Sure. Stephen thats true. The second one is just okay. Stephen yeah. The second time blew. I knew there is something coming out, i need to point this out but you are not hiding the bottom of your shoes. Can you show them the bottom of your shoes . Look at that. That is that is super special. You could literally go paint the town red if you just shuffle. Did you know those were red before i showed them to you . I swear, this is a kylo ren outfit right here. Because that is first order bleep right there. Sure. Stephen you have to bleep the host now. I apologize. You are a young man you shouldnt have me have the salty talk with you. What has been on since you were here a year ago, right. I think so. Third time you have been on. Thank you for being here. Something inbetween but i cant remember what it was. Stephen something changed about the world and the United States or Something Like that. Sure. Stephen . No the second thing i came for, i cant remember, first it was star wars. Stephen you came for midnight express. Special. Stephen . Midnight special. Stephen midnight express is a movie about people that got arrested for smuggling opium out of, hashish out of turkey, you werent in that one. Same thing. Stephen you would have been good, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Stephen have you seen it . Look how shiny. I dont understand. How could you did you have someone carry you out there . There is no scuff on the bottom of that. I put them right on there for the first time and you have really clean floors i guess. Stephen you could eat off these floors. I dont recommend it. So have you seen it . Have you seen the new movie . Yes, i have seen it. What do you think, is it okay . It is really good, aim not just saying that because i am in it. What ryan has done and what the actors are doing and effects, sound,. Stephen oh there is a talkie . Right. Everybody is speaking in this one and you hear them. It is really great. All around it is really great. Stephen well i am really looking forward to it. Now, here is the thing. We could not get a clip of this. Right. Stephen always like when you have somebody come on for a movie there is a clip. True. Stephen and, you know, mark was on and he didnt bring a clip and you didnt bring a clip. But i brought these. Stephen yes, you did. Would you could we act out a clip. Would you i thought maybe we could make 0 our own clip here. Do you want to [ cheers and applause ] stephen okay. Where are you, kylo ren . Here i am. Stephen can you believe who my parents turned out to be . Wasnt it shocking . No. I have got to go to the bathroom. Stephen i will wait. Prchghts i am done. Dar i am done. You left your on 3 lets say who my parents were, one, two, 3 Stephen Colbert. Stephen yeah. Yeah. And it goes into a thing and takes a nap. And use the force. Good night thank you. Do you like playing evil . Well, i mean, like yeah. But i dont this is an act i dont think of him as evil. I think of him as someone who thinks he is right as opposed to someone who thinks he is evil. Stephen dont all evil people think they are right . Sure but i dont think that they think they are evil. I think they think what they are doing is morally justified so there is no end to what they will do to make sure whatever agenda they have is being pushed. I think in my experience someone who is just evil or for the sake of it doesnt seem to have a shelf life to me. People who i find evil or unpredictable or scary are always just yes, they think they are right and morally justified to do what they are doing and they are incapable of hearing the other side. Stephen and people who think that they may not be morally justified often turn out to be good people because at least they examine their conscience . Sure. If you make time for it. If you dont, for whatever reason, then it is a busy time of year. Yeah, yeah. Stephen are you do you think, do you consider yourself the hero of your own story . Sure. I think he does, yeah. Stephen i mean do you. No, no, no. Stephen really . I feel like i am barely hanging on. Stephen i feel you. I feel you. I hear you used to be a salesman. Oh, yeah. I was. Stephen what did you sell . I sold vacuum cleaners, well, can i say the name of. Sure why not. Kirby vacuum cleaners. Stephen kirby, quality. Yeah. Not so much. Maybe i cant say stephen you are quite a salesman. I didnt sell any. Stephen did you go door to door. Oh, yeah, yeah. Stephen no way. Knock, knock may i put dust on your carpet. Yeah like these are the tubes that the astronauts are using that has novel crow. Stephen when were you selling these . During the Nixon Administration . Let me introduce you to a product called tang. How long did you this . I sold a couple, not very long, like six months. It was in, like right after high school before i was in the military where i would sell vacuum cleaners and then i was a telemarketer. Stephen what were you telemarketing. A couple of things, one was for a basement Water Proofing company, where you call people and say, you know, is your basement leaky . We have somebody that will come by and check it out and make it not so damp. It all sounds sexual now that i say it out loud. I was. Good at that job either. And i have a hose i can connect to it. Sure. And there was another called, i dont know sure, say it. Ben franklin construction was the name. I dont know if it is around anymore. Stephen wow, quality. And it was me and this other like a guy who was really angry guy who would always we would like sell what is it, like construction company, and so we would call and offer construction. I dont remember that very well. Stephen would you like something constructed . We had like one of these where you are supposed to go down. Stephen a card you had to go down. Not so much the anything thing but but you would go down the checklist and always ask to speak to, ask to speak to the man of the house which is kind of terrible. It wasnt me. I didnt right the script. Stephen you and that is how i remember it. I would work those kind of three jobs on a rotation. I worked the kirby vacuum thing, whenever i could and then i would work in the morning for the Water Proofing company and at night i would work at the ben franklin construction because i had no job. I wasnt going to college, you know, these things were paying like minimum wage. Stephen wow. So i was working basically 24 hours a day. Stephen did that help . Can you translate any of that into acting like following the script and yeah. But mostly this is the failure aspect of it. Putting yourself out there and just shot down. Stephen right. Sure. Like the repetition of it the improvising but not so much. Mostly failure. Stephen well, i have no doubt that this next one will not be a failure for you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much. Stephen i love it, i love it. Thank you very much. Star wars the last jedi opens tomorrow, ad adam driver, everybody. We will be right back with john early fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. New ultimate surf turf event. And that means five mouthwatering pairings to choose from. Like our new feast with lobsterwrapped scallops and a juicy steak. Or a new lobster and seafoodtopped filet. Tempted . Better hurry in, it ends soon. Stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is a comedian you have seen in redhot american summer and the characters on netflix, he currently stars in search party. May i come in. No, no, no. Elliott. No, not this time. Oh. Okay, just dont i mean, i am really happy. We are so happy. Well, i am sorry but that is just not the way it is going to be. Mark, mark, when you are together, you are smart and so special and i celebrate your soul. Okay. And i want to be in love forever, even if like one of us like goes to jail or something. If you went to jail like i would totally still want to be with you. Stephen please welcome john early hey, hello. That shirt is fantastic. What do you mean . Incredible thank you. Very liberace. I understand i in in the show you are like a guy, i dont know if you are a hipster, a guy from brooklyn or Something Like that but you are from the south like i am. Where are you from in the south. Stephen i am from the south carolina. Hello, how are you. Good, how are you doing fine. Bless your heart. Bless your little heart. Stephen now, did being in the south influence your comedy. Yes. Like. Both my parents are ministers and i am fine, i am fine. You were in church no. My dad was presbyterian minister and my mom was nine ministry of christ but i am fine. But they were ministers and i just think kind of growing up amongst those rituals, like the punch and, you know, it is very influential. Stephen the punch . The punch, you know the same sermon. That was over my head. I was like looking at the punch the whole time. But i think just because they were, you know, i am like four years old watching my parents like, you know, in robes, you know. It is like Design Authority in front of a congregation and i am like watching them go, i saw you like sprinting towards the phone naked this morning. You know what i mean . It is kind of like trying to get to the phone in time fully nude and now you are being up there like ha and i think that difference is what kind of burst my sensibility. Well the holidays are coming up as i said you look like a russian dancer. Thank you. Stephen you have christmas traditions you look to every year, you look forward to . Yes, as you know as a devout atheist christmas is huge for me. Stephen sure. Especially christmas music. Jon. So i am going to sing you my favorite Christmas Song if that is okay. Since you asked. Stephen i would be this is all overwhelming me a bit but sure. I would be happy to. I am going to sing a song by ms. Britney gene spears. Okay. Who, you know, i do a shocking impression of, born completely out of love, by the way. This song is called my only wish this year. It was on now that is what i call christmas 72. It failed to make a dent in the culture. But it did, you know, it did touch my adolescent gayheart, okay, and that is because she does something in the song that is so vocally insane, she does an isolated vocal fry. She is obviously very famous, i dont know if you know this, she was very famous for her vocal fry, but typically that leads into a note. Okay, that blossoms into a note so typically she uses the vocal part to go ahhhhh. Thank you thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. But this is the only time in all of her disk ography and i would know where she just does the vocal fry completely on its own, it doesnt go into a note. So i am going to do the song for you now and i am going to raise my hand when the moment is coming up. So focus so that when that happens that is when you know i am going to do the thing. I am not doing this for comedic effect i am not exaggerating this is not like my funny take on britney. I am challenging her tonight for you. Happy holidays, love to jon. I am Christmas Eve i just cant sleep would i be wrong for taking a peek cause i heard that youre coming to town santa can you hear me i really hope that your on your way with Something Special for me in your sleigh oh please make my wish come true santa can you hear me i want my baby i want someone to love me and someone to hold maybe, maybe well be all alone under the mistletoe santa can you hear me i have been so good this year and all i want is one thing tell me my true love is here hes all i want just for me underneath my Christmas Tree ill be waiting here santa thats my only wish this year cheers and applause stephen wow thank you, oh, my gosh wow they are good wow. John early, everybody we will be right back with a special performance by mr. Jon batiste we have a fragrance for that. Glade limited edition fragrances. Feel the power of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. 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At kay, the 1 Jewelry Store in america. Dad . Every kiss begins with kay its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird we all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Stephen folks, we have a very special treat for you tonight. Performing Winter Wonderland from his Amazon Holiday album, christmas with jon batiste, ladies and gentlemen, he is deep, he is jon batiste [ cheers and applause cheers and applause sleigh bells ring are you listening in the lane snow is glistening a beautiful sight were happy tonight walking in a Winter Wonderland gone away is the bluebird here to stay is a new bird he sings a love song as we go along walking in a Winter Wonderland in the meadow we can build a snowman then pretend that he is james brown hell say are you married . Well say no man but you can do the job when youre in town later on well conspire as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans that weve made walking in a Winter Wonderland later on well conspire as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans that weve made walking in a Winter Wonderland cheers and applause stephen tickets for johns solo piano in the round tour are on sale now. Jon batiste, everybody we will be right back want to hear some i had a doctors appointment. When you said you were at the doctor, but your shirt says you were at a steakhouse. Thats when you know its halfwashed. Now from downy fabric conditioner comes downy odor protect with 24hour odor protection. Downys powerful formula conditions fibers to lock out odors all day. Hey, your shirts making me hungry. Ha ha, derek. Downy and its done. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jodie foster and a special appearance by mr. Tom hanks. Now stick around for james kor den and his guests, hugh jackman and john cena. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by t are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show re