This way is illegal. I want to express my thanks to the dozens of oh, and i got your curly fries. Want me to feed them to you pelican style . Yes, sir. crunch announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, shot heard around the world. Plus, stephen welcomes elmo. Kumail nanjiani. And musical guest andra day. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen we set over here . All right. Do it. Welcome to a late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Just when you think things cant get any weirder, trump cranks it up to 11 and then swallows the knob. Today, the president held a white house meeting with leaders in the restaurant industry. as trump before we begin, fellas, how about some apps for the whole table, okay . Honey, lets get some jalapeno poppers. Nachos . Nachos, clam strips, and calamari, thanks. Oooh, garlic knots dammit. The topic was supposed to be reopening the economy, but then trump started answering questions and it was t. M. I. Time, because he got upset with whistleblower dr. Rick bright, who said that trump pressured him to support hydroxycholoroquine for political reasons. And trump then made this startling admission i happen to be taking it. I happen to be taking it. Im taking it. Hydroxycholoroquine. When . Right now, yeah. Couple of weeks ago, i started taking it. Why . Because i think its good. Ive heard a lot of good stories. Why anyone takes an experimental drug treatment. Weve all seen the pharmaceutical ads. If you think hydroxycholoroquine might be right for you, dont ask your doctor. Just ask around, and if you hear some good stories, eat it. Eat it, you coward. Stephen then, asked about what research he has that this is a preventative wonderdrug, the president cited the new england journal of i heard it from a guy. Can you explain to me, though, what is the evidence that it has a preventative effect . Here you go, you ready . Heres my evidence i get a lot of positive calls about it. Stephen for the sake of his children, i hope hes not getting a lot of positive calls about clorox. It was such a shocking statement that even fox news had to clap here is the beige beast known as neal cavuto the fact of the matter is, though, when the president said what have you got to lose . In a number of studies, those certainly vulnerable in the population have one thing to lose their lives. If you are in a risky population here and you are taking this as a preventative treatment, it will kill you. Ill. Nnot stress ou kill you. Stephen okay, neil, but to be fair, after that. Technically, you dont have the virus anymore. Anyway, im not a doctor, but the newsman says its deadly, so i hope im not surprising anyone when i say, mr. President. Dont take it. Now, in addition to the president slowly poisoning himself with the dr. Jekyll method, the other big news is that on friday, trump removed the Inspector General for the state department. Its the third time in six because at the white house,beeg t. G. I. F. Stands for trump got the inspector fired. Turns out, trump was really protecting his buddy, secretary of state and man with a ccup mask for a dcup face, mike pompeo. According to a white house official, trump removed Inspector General linick at pompeos urging. Coincidentally, the i. G. Was investigating the secretary for using government staffers to run errands like picking up his dry cleaning, making dinner reservations for him and his wife, and walking his dog. Oh, thats so degrading. Not only did the staffer have to walk pompeos dog, they also had to walk trumps dog. It didnt take long for trump to get asked about firing the i. G. And heres what he said i dont know him at all. I never even heard of him. But, i was asked to, by the state department, by mike. So, i dont know him, never heard of him, but they asked me to terminate him. I have the absolute right as president to terminate. I dont know whats going on other than that. But youd have to ask mike pompeo. Stephen im not sure that sounds as exonerating as donald trump thinks. as trump dont look at me i have no idea whats going on. They just prop me up here in front of the cameras and i do the things that they tell me. Oh, that reminds me, hand me the nuclear football. Ive heard a lot of negative phone calls about china. Now, in addition to using state Department Officials to walk his dog, the i. G. Was investigating pompeo for one other thing might not be important not cooperating with their probe into an 8 billion arms deal to saudi arabia. Guess which one trump thought was important . Youre just telling me about walking a dog and, whatd you say, doing dishes . Saudi arms deal, sir. Stephen ouch. Thats like when a husband comes home and says honey, i know youre mad that i didnt take out the garbage and his wife goes, yes, and also because of your 8 billion saudi arms deal. Heres something i have been waiting to say for a long time theres good news. Because a Coronavirus Vaccine trial by a Company Called moderna shows promising early results. This is the first Coronavirus Vaccine to be tested on humans, and it appears to be safe and able to stimulate an immune response against the virus, based on results from eight people. Okay, you have an experimental vaccine, so you only test it on eight people. How do you pick . You know what . Phil in accounting seems expendable. Hey, phil the Company Plans on a second phase where they test it on 600 people, and if all goes well, a vaccine could become available for widespread use by the end of 2020 or early 2021. So on new years eve, theyre not dropping a ball in times square theyre dropping a giant syringe. Its made of swarovski crystals news of modernas possible vaccine caused wall street to soar more than 900 points today, even though on friday, at an event about getting to a vaccine, the president said that getting to a vaccine was not a big deal. We think were going to have a vaccine in the. Pretty near future. And, if we do, were going to really be a big step ahead. And if we dont, were going to be like so many other cases where you had a problem come in, itll go away at some point, itll go away. Stephen he said that at the launch of the race for the vaccine thats like standing up at your wedding and saying, im so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, cindy. But also, living alone is super cool. At some point, like so many other women, you will go away. Trump made it clear that developing a vaccine is a global effort. We have no ego when it comes to this. No ego whatsoever. So were working together with many different countries. And again, we have no ego. We have no ego. Whoever gets it, we think its great. Stephen methinks he doth no ego too much. as trump theres no ego here. After all, theres no i in ego. And if theres no i in it, why am i talking about it . Also on friday, trump held a special event for his weird side project, space force the event was to unveil the new space force flag, but before that happened, the president took a minute to name a new weapon. Were building, right now, incredible military equipment, at a level that nobody has ever seen before. We have no choice. We have to do it. With the adversaries we have out there. We have a i call it the superduper missile. And i heard the other night, 17 times faster than what they have right now. Stephen thats right, we have the superduper missile. Of course, our enemies might soon develop a doublesuper cool missile. Then wed have to counter with our awesometimesinfinity missile, which you would think is unbeatable, unless the russians finally achieve awesometimesinfinityplusone technology. Of course, it seems like nobody really knows what the hell hes talking about. Soon after he made the remarks, the white house was unable to elaborate and referred reporters to the pentagon, and when reached for comment, a pentagon spokesman referred reporters back to the white house. The white house was then forced to issue a no tag backs order to the pentagon. Then came the main event, where the commanders unrolled the new space force flag, which, as you can tell, they clearly ripped off from star trek. Star trek is a cbs property, sir. Im going to have to ask you to cease and desist your copyright infringement, or at the very least, remove the tribble from your head. Trump has been criticized for not doing more during this crisis, so this weekend, he proved that he has his eye on the ball by calling into a pro golf event. The president kicked off the conversation with a stunning admission. I love golf and i love, even, the exercise. Sometimes its not as much when youre running around in carts for speed. Stephen so, he likes the exercise, but skips the only part where you exercise. as trump i love doing pullups, though sometimes theyre not as hard when they use a forklift to raise my body. The president had optimistic words for sports fans we want to get sports back. We miss sports. Were getting it back and its going to be fast. Stephen its going to be fast . Clearly you have never watched golf. Eventually, trump got around to talking about coronavirus, but he chose to refer to it by a new nickname when i took over the administration, we didnt have testing and, plus, the testing had to be specific to this particular problem. And, you know, we call it the problem that came in. Stephen funny, thats what i call you. This joke fixed everything stephen we heard a lot more from the president this weekend, but it was. From the one we like were talking about former president and muppet show guest host who doesnt think statler and waldorf are funny, barack obama. On saturday, president obama delivered two commencement speeches to graduates one for seniors from historically black colleges and universities, and one for High Schoolers as part of lebron james primetime special graduate together. And, coming this fall, the exciting followup special pledge the backyard fraternity your dad made up, together. During his speech to the high school grads, obama started out with a joke. The world is turned upside down by a global pandemic. And as much as im sure you love your parents, ill bet that being stuck at home with them and playing board games or watching tiger king on tv is not exactly how you envisioned the last few months of your senior year. Stephen what are you doing plugging the tiger king . Youve got your own netflix shows. I mean, for petes sake, your book wasnt called dreams from somebody elses father. The big headline out of obamas speeches was when he took a thinlyveiled swipe at donald trump. More than anything, this pandemic has fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that so many of the folks in charge know what theyre doing. A lot of them arent even pretending to be in charge. Stephen as trump how dare you for my stinging response, i will defer to the governors. But the president did have a response. Stephen as trump grossly incompetent. Thats all i can say. Now if youll excuse me, i have to go call into a Golf Tournament and brag about how only 90,000 people dying on my watch is a pretty good pretty good job. The shutdown has hurt a lot of businesses that rely on bringing people inside, like chuck e. Cheese, which has lost 21 of sales due to coronavirus. Weirdly, the idea of letting a bunch of kids eat with their hands from the same tray while playing in a communal pit of plastic balls and dirty diapers no longer appeals. But the good people at chuck e. Cheese have a solution. Theyve been making their Menu Available for delivery on grubhub under the pseudonym pasquallys pizza and wings. A fake name . Really . Charles entertainment cheese, ive never been so disappointed in my life mostly by the pizza, but also, this behavior. Though i have to say, it is very clever. People will never think its chuck e. Cheese if you associate it with food. For all you none. Cheese heads out there, pasqually is the name of the fictional italian chef in the chuck e. Cheese expanded universe. Which means they had an italian chef character and still said, macculy represe. The rat. Tonit. Grt show for you ill be talking to elmo, and later, kumail nanjiani. But when we come back, meanwhile join us. There, jon, it happened. It finally happened. Hurrah. Tell me how you feel, are you even real tell me how you feel, are you even real are you even real [humming] [ind mom ct radio chatter] come on, hurry up [humming] all systems go . Mission Control 5 4 3 2. Ignition and liftoff. vo audi etron. The next frontier of electric. There are so many toothpastes out there, which one should i use . Try crest pro active defense. It neutralizes bacteria for a healthier mouth than even the leading multibenefit toothpaste. Crest. Week one, here we go. Did everybody read the book . [miscellaneous responses of no] [orange] i read it captain. I read it. It was amazing. It opened my eyes. Nah, im just joking. I dont have eyes. [captain] Great Book Club guys. [orange] you know i cant read captain. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident. Cut is that good . No you were talking about allstate and. I just. When i. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Stephen hey, jon. How are ya . Jon hey, whats happening . Im good im feeling good today. How are you . Stephen im good. Whats the good news . Jon our our great star wars drummer, joe saylor, the jazz cowboy, is a father. Stephen what . Joe is a father no stephen that is fantastic. Boy, girl . Jon its a girl. Stephen wow what . Stephen girl oh, thats great stephen thats fantastic. Congratulations, joe congratulations, lauren and baby cowboy. Jon cowgirl laughter stephen cowgirl. Sorry, cowgirl, baby cowgirl. See you, jon. Jon later on stephen you know, i spend a lot of time unloading the fresh groceries that are the days top stories, washing and drying every piece of produce, and neatly arranging them in the highend, freshly cleaned, touchscreen activated, subzero refrigerator that is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, olks, i gather up some jumbo packs of hotdogs, eight boxes of bagel bites, and a bunch of discount dented stuff from the 7eleven frozen section, haul it downstairs, and toss it into the utility room coffin freezer of news that is my segment quarantinewhile stephen quarantinewhile, after spending months alone at sea, canadian sailor bill norrie just arrived in christchurch, new zealand, to find the world completely changed by the coronavirus pandemic. Im guessing that was a bit of a shock. Let me get this straight, they made a cats movie . And the cats dont have butt holes . Speaking of which, i need to go buy some toilet paper what . Quarantinewhile, the European Space agency has announced that human urine could help make concrete on the moon, and said that the 1. 5 liters of liquid waste a person generates each day could become a promising by product for space exploration. Inspiring words. Reminds me of those famous motivational posters shoot for the moon even if you miss, the 1. 5 liters of liquid waste you generate could become a promising by product for space exploration. Quarantinewhile, people across the country are finding creative ways to maintain social distancing while reopening the country. Like this detroit priest who is spraying holy water from a squirt gun. Of course for really big sins, you get the super savior. I got to say, this is one change i think we should keep when this is all over. It makes church fun lets keep the holy water squirt guns and while were at it, logflume baptisms quarantinewhile, arnow manstoriet using puppets and dolls to fill empty seats that i regretfully introduce my brand new long running segment, figurine while. Figurinewhile, last week i told you about a restaurant using mannequins to ensure customers properly social distance. Well, one restaurant in South Carolina saw that and said hold my face mask. A reallife owner at the open hearth greets diners, and then seats them next to a couple of blowup dolls. Rather than blocking off tables to achieve social distancing, paula starr decided to have some fun. Stephen this is the perfect idea for any customer whos ever walked into a restaurant and said, i love the food and the ambiance, i just wish it could feel more like, when im done, someone is going to wear my skin as a cape. But the owner of the restaurant assures us that none of this is terrifying. They are very humorous. They have nice faces. And the ladies have pretty makeup on. Stephen and theyre excellent company. This is ginger. She just has the funniest joke she wants to tell you. But she says its only funny if you hear it in my basement go down to the basement. laughter figurinewhile, south korean soccer has resumed to empty stadiums. One team bought dolls to fill out the stands. Just one problem they all turned out to be sex dolls. Oh, come on that doesnt pass the smell test. And im guessing neither do the dolls. How do you order that many sex dolls and not know theyre sex dolls . I dont know what happened. I ordered a few dozen of these giantbreasted, poseable plastic women and somehow they turned out to be sex dolls. Darn it my bad. Ill just pack these up and ship them to a restaurant in South Carolina. Quarantinewhile, twitter has announced they will start alerting users when a tweet makes disputed or misleading claims about the coronavirus. And misleading tweets will now have a label underneath that directs users to a link with Additional Information about covid19. Oh yeah, because if theres one thing people who believe internet hoaxes are looking for, its Additional Information. Uh, no, thanks, ive got all the peerreviewed research i need from eagleglock88. Of course, inaccurate coronavirus tweets are just the tip of the impreciseberg. Which is why twitter is rolling out a whole new set of labels hello, im jack dorsey. And here at twitter, were doing our part to stop fake news, by labeling any tweet that spreads misinformation about covid19. But were also rolling out labels for other tweets that stretch the truth. For example, from now on, users will be warned when someones brunch actually was not epic. Democracy dies in darkness, flirtykate. In order to preserve the integrity of our website, were also looking at tweets like this one, about ruffles not being as good as regular chips. While not technically inaccurate, these tweets will get our new no one cares what you think about anything label. And finally, weve even made a label for when someone steals a joke and trys to pass it off as their own. This one here is clearly stolen from a website called yummzo memes, and a label will now reflect that. I know these labels might take some getting used to, but please rest assured that despite these new changes, we at twitter will continue to take no action against White Supremacists and other people who use hate speech on our website. Hey, it wouldnt be twitter without them im jack dorsey. You picked on me in high school. Now look what happened. Stephen thanks, jack. Well be right back with elmo. And in our home food shouldnt go to waste. Thats why best foods is rescuing excess food from American Farms and bringing it to the tables that need it most. Help us rescue more food at bestfoods. Com original crown molding, walk in closets. We do have a ratt problem. 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Just order online, drive up, checkin, and pick up. Add some resistance. Sara, your movie plus trial is about to expire. Do you want to continue or cancel . Capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money when youre not. Whats in your wallet . But what if you could startdo better than that . Like adapt. Discover. Deliver. In new ways. To new customers. What if you could come back stronger . Faster. Better. At comcast business, we want to help you not just bounce back. But bounce forward. And now, were committed to helping you do just that with a powerful and reliable internet and voice solution at a great price. Call or go online today. Stephen hey, everybody,ck lw you know, im really grateful to be able to keep doing this show while staying at home. And its been great to see all the other late night hosts keep their shows going as well. In fact, during this time, there are even new late night shows starting, including one hosted by americas favorite furry, ticklish host and no, im not talking about john krasinski. I mean elmo, who is about to star in the nottoolate show with elmo. Well, i want to welcome him to late night, so here he is, the monster himself, elmo hi, elmo thanks for joining me. Hi thanks for having elmo on your show, mr. Colbert. Stephen oh, please, you can call me stephen. Okay, very good. Mr. Stephen colbert. Stephen elmo, first off, how are you doing with social distancing . Thanks for asking. You know, elmos okay. Elmos okay. Elmos staying inside with his mommy and daddy. You know, everybody on sesame street is staying home. Ooh, ooh, or theyre staying in their trashcan. Stephen oh, how is oscar . Hes doing good. You know, hes happy. Theres a lot to be grouchy about. Stephen well, im glad youre all staying healthy, because people are having to make a lot of adjustments right now. Yeah, thats true. You know, elmos been lucky because it hasnt been too bad for elmo elmo likes using his imagination to go places. Ooh, and elmo spends extra time with his family. Ooh, and you know what . Elmo never needs a haircut. Stephen its true, but it is getting a bit shaggy around. Everywhere. Yeah. Stephen by the way, elmo, ive never seen you in a suit before. It looks really good thank you stephen you might be the only person i know who just started wearing pants. Oh, thats true. Youre assuming elmos wearing pants laughs no, elmos wearing pants. Elmos wearing pants. Anyway, how is mr. Stephen doing . Stephen im okay, elmo. Thanks for asking. Im really excited, ive got to say, to watch your new show. Though i noticed its called the nottoolateshow. I see what youre doing there. Elmo can see what mr. Steph is doing, too. Thats how these video calls work stephen no, not that. I me copying me. What . laughs no no way stephen really . The nottoolate show . Sounds awfully close to the late show. But nottoo close elmo checked with some experts to make sure. Stephen you mean your lawyers . No, no. The letters t and m. Stephen those guys are good. Well, i just wanted to say good luck with your show, and if you need anything, im always here for you. Just because were both in late night, doesnt mean you should think of me as a competitor. Dont worry mr. Stephen, the nottoolate show has a very specific target demographic, so elmo wont overlap with mr. Stephens live sameday broadcast market share. Whatever that means. Oh, and besides, elmo has to be in bed by 7 30. Stephen the nottoolate show with elmo premieres may 27 on hbo max. Elmo, everybody well be right back. Yay yay cheering panting place that you laughed about well the names have all changed since you hung around but ose dreaave remained and theyvturnedund whod have thought theyd lead ya back here where we need ya welcome back, america. It sure is good to see you. Do i use a toothpaste that or one thats good for my teeth . Now i dont have to choose. Crest 3d white. It removes up to 95 of surface stains. And strengthens enamel. From the number one toothpaste brand in america. Crest. Step up. Prep up. Up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, theres another prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for one d or many loves. For kings, this queen, and you royals in between. For my now. 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Ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. Words are loud but actions are louder. Prp. Up. With descovy for prep. Get help paying for descovy for prep. Learn more at stepupprepup. Com vo . Especially when your easilyg distracted teenager has the car. At subaru, were taking on distracted driving. With sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The subaru forester. The safest forester ever. Charmin ultra soft is so soft much are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. My guest tonight is an actor you know from the big sick, silicon valley, and of course, his blockbuster abs. Please welcome to a late show, kumail nanjiani. Hello, kumail how are you . Stephen fine. laughter the people at home will never know or understand the chaos you just saw as we tried to make this phone call begin. Well, no, i have been recording the whole time, and this is definitely going on twitter. Stephen good. Blow the lid off this socalled professionalism i have here. Hey, how are you . Im im im great. What if i said that . Thriving in the apocalypse. laughter stephen youll make a lot of friends. How are you, stephen . Stephen im okay. Im here with my family and thank god they know what theyre doing so we can actually have this conversation right now. My boys, unfortunately, are in school still, so they have to get dragged out of here to go to their online classes and its just me and my lovely wife evie right here. Are you at home with your lovely wife emily gordon . Yeah, its just me and emily and our cat bagel, and were just trying to you know, first of all, i was really excited to talk to you. How are you doing through all this . Stephen well, you know, as a parent of essentially all Adult Children who weve managed to wrangle into our house for the last nine weeks, there is that positive aspect of it is that well never get them all together like this again. Right. Stephen and thats, you know, thats joyful on a certain level, but, of course, behind that is the knowledge of why, you know. Thats like ive compared it to an ominous soundtrack being played in the distance at all times. And also, its a little strange to not know what the right thing to do next is. Weve all gone into quarantine and were not sure what the responsible thing to do next is, and thats got its own level of anxiety. Well, the other thing thats hard about this, i dont ioes normal latenight conversation. Stephen nothing about this feels like normal late night. Im here to tell you, as a guy whos been doing it every night for nine weeks, not normal is normal. So, please. Well, this is the other weird thing thats hard about this is theres no way to, like, process through this, you know what i mean . Usually no matter how horrible a tragedy you go through youre, like, all right, i have to go through different stages of grief or i have to process through this and then ill come out on the other side. This is literally something that there is no way for you to process through, youre just in it. So, for me, the best is only when im not actively thinking about it, and thats another weird thing. What happened was i was really obsessed with the news updates, you know. Looking up stuff all the time, all the time. And then, at some point, i just had to be, like, this is not helping my mental state. Its really doing nothing to keep me or my family safer, so i just had to completely check out of those updates because it just you know what you already know, and theres just so much information all the time that i just had to sort of the only way i could get through it is by not constantly thinking about it, which also feels, like, cowardly or something. Stephen i i dont think youre a coward. I think thats perfectly human. You have to give yourself a break. I understand youve gotten a little emotional during the quarantine and that there have been some unusual things that have made you cry. laughter yes, on the podcast. We have a section in it where you start every podcast with what was the weird thing that made you cry this week, and one of them was just a couple of weeks ago, you know when people got really into breadmaking. And i understand youre super into breadmaking right now. Stephen this week, i have finally buckled down and made my own sourdough starter from scratch and ive got an actual, ive got a boule rising in the next room. I dont know what a boule is. Stephen its like a lump of dough. Okay, so its all these people were sort of tweeting pictures of bread and some people were annoyed at them and i just saw a picture and i was, like, wow, i really i like seeing this picture, so i just tweeted and said, im genuinely enjoying you guys making new bread, i want to see pictures of it. So, for three days, people just tweeted pictures of these gorgeous and notsogorgeous loaves of bread they were making, and just looking at these pictures and the pride that people im getting emotional right now just the pride people had in what they made, this really small thing you know, were in this world where everything is out of our control, and theyre, like, making these loaves of bread, and it just made me cry for three days straight. Stephen no, i get it. Its beautiful. Its the staff of life. You want to do something thats useful and nourishing and a creation at the same time and simple, in all this chaos and uncertainty you want to do something simple and beautiful, i totally get it. I will hit you, instagram or twitter . Where are you getting these photos . Twitter. Stephen i will hit you on twitter with this bread. Were baking it tonight. You will see whether you let me know whether it was beautiful enough to make you cry. No, no, even the ones that werent beautiful made me cry. It feels like magic, you know, like making bread. I never i have no idea where to start. I dont oh, my god. Okay. Yes. laughter stephen okay. Legally i want to get on to your new film the lovebirds but legally im required to ask you about your body. Because it is a sensation. A global sensation. You have a new finelytuned physique because youre going to be in marvels eternals. You blew everybody away on the reveal, you out krasinskid krasinski. Yeah, thank you, actually when i saw you talking about that on your show, i was so excited when that happened. That meant a lot to me. Stephen is it degrading in quarantine or is it slowly just turning back into normal adult male . No, so here, ill show you, i basically i sort of saw the quarantine coming early so i just bought a bench and some weights. Stephen okay. So i have been working out as if its the only thing tethering me to sanity. Because i think it is because, again, i feel like im saying this a lot, but when i first started working out a lot, it just made sense. I would just, like, start crying because i think stephen you think of all that bread you cant have. Oh, yeah, i think thats why i was crying. Just pictures is all i could do. Because i think like, in the beginning, i felt like 30 of my brain was just working all the time to not freak out. It was working to keep that door shut, you know, 30 of my brain. Then when youre working out, you can kind of only focus on the weight. So the door flew open. So in between sets i would sit and get really emotional. And then the clock would go off,. Eights, y in the first couple of weeks. Stephen the new film is the lovebirds with your costar easter ray. It filmed in new orleans during mardi gras, right, last year . Yeah, we shot through mardi gras last year, yeah. Stephen and i know you guys were supposed to be released in theaters, but, of course, nobodys doing that right now, and, so, its going to be available to stream on netflix starting when . Starting may 22, friday. Stephen may 22, friday. So normally big premiere, red carpet, how are you going to do the premiere at home . Are you going to glam up . What are you going to do . Well, emily and i, we ordered four pies this morning. Stephen dessert pies, like pies . I got a key lime pie because i still like keeping up the diet, but this weekend its a key lime pie. I got an apple pie, Blueberry Pie and then i ordered a strawberry mascarpone pie but they called and said they were out and i switched to a chocolate pie. Stephen and thats it . Yeah. I mean, thats all. What else do you do . Stephen just hands behind your back and just a race to the other end of the crust . Yeah. Stephen please say its going to be a pie eating contest. I am so excited stephen well, kumail, so nice to see you. Give your best to emily and stay safe and stay sterile and stay all ripped and stay off the bread and i will send you the photo later and give our best to the pies. I cannot wait. Thank you. Stephen the lovebirds is available on netflix starting this friday. Kumail nanjiani, everybody well be right back with a performance by andra day. 2 00am again . Tonight, try pure zzzs all night. Unlike other sleep aids, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. And longer. Zzzquil pure zzzs all night. Fall asleep. Stay asleep. Guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Oh, oh, announcer ® onceweekly ozempic® is helping safe drivers do save 40 . Many people with type 2 diabetes like emily lower their blood sugar. A majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. Heres your a1c. Oh my a1c is under 7 announcer and you may lose weight. Adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. I lost almost 12 pounds oh announcer for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as heart attack, stroke, or death. It lowers the risk. Oh and i only have to take it once a week. Oh oh, oh, oh, ozempic® announcer ozempic® is not for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. Do not share needles or pens. Dont reuse needles. Do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or Family History of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. Stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis. Tell your doctor if you have Diabetic Retinopathy or vision changes. Taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. Common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. Some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. Onceweekly ozempic® is helping me reach my blood sugar goal. Oh, oh, oh, ozempic® you may pay as little as 25 for a 1month or 3month prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. I didnt hear it. Look, he was an incompetent president , thats all i can say. Grossly incompetent. Thank you. Yeah, obama never did that im okay. Capital one knows life doesnt update you about your credit card. So meet eno. The capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Whats in your wallet . Does your deodorant protect you all day . Thatwe put dove men you and care to the testm. With mike who transforms homes for those in need. I feel comfortable and protected all day long. Dove men care 48h freshness with triple action moisturizer. I dont have to worry about that, do i . Are irritated. Harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. Crest gum detoxify, voted product of the year. It works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. Gum detoxify, from crest. Polo marco. polo si . Marco. polo scusa . Marco. polo ma io sono marco polo, ma playing marco polo with marco polo . Surprising. Ragazzini, io sono marco polo. Si, sono qui whats not surprising . Geico helping you save even more on car and motorcycle insurance. Ahhh. Polo. Marco. polo now get an extra 15 credit when you switch before october 7th. Stephen welcome back, everybody. And now, with a special bill withers medley, ladies and gentlemen, andra day. Aint no sunshine when shes gone its not warm when shes away aint no sunshine when shes gone and shes always gone too long any time she goes away i wonder this time where shes gone wonder if shes gone to stay aint no sunshine when shes gone and this house just aint no home any time she goes away and i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know i know, i know my friends feel its their appointed duty they keep tryna tell me all you want to do is use me oh, but my answer, yeah to all that use me stuff yes, i wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used oh, you just keep on using me until you use me up until you use me up well, sometimes its true, you really do abuse me you get me in a crowd of highclass people, oh and then you act real rude to me, but oh, baby, baby, baby, baby when you love me i cant get enough i wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used oh, you better keep on using me until you use me up until you use me up nt use me oh, untiu stephen andra day has partnered with give directly for her personal campaign, igivedirectly, helping those most affected by covid19. Thank you, andra. Well be right back. Stephen stick around for james corden. But first, lets say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs the late late show, oh, oh the late late show, ooh oh, oh its the late late show james hello. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late late show