People seem to like it. Online i get likes from the tweets. Ive seen the comments. Thats called reverse trolling. Stephen im sorry . Yeah, people gang up on somebody, give them a lot of confidence, say theyre great, say how much they love them and try to make it sound sincere, like i did earlier. See you later. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trumps trumped up tax plan. Plus, stephen welcomes steve martin. Mark feuerstein. And a performance by steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much thanks, everybody ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Now cheers and applause now, ladies and gentlemen folks, have you ever woken up and said to yourself first thing in the morning, what can i do even in my own small way to make rich people richer . laughter well, if the answer is i have never done that, then you did not write Donald Trumps tax plan. laughter yesterday in indiana, the president revealed the plan and made a solemn promise i am doing the right thing. And its not good for me. Believe me. Stephen i believe you. laughter doing the right thing never seems to be good for donald trump. Oh, what do people like . Racial equality and football . How do i ruin both of those at once . piano riff now, it looks like cheers and applause not sure what were applauding for, but im all for it. And it looks like trump is how should i put this . Uh, whats the word . Lying. Because, based on the last trump tax return that we know anything about, this plan would have saved him 31 million in taxes. Thats 31 million for himself. Those are lotto numbers i mean, thats not just powerball, thats im in powerball. laughter even though the g. O. P. Tax plan will benefit only the wealthy few, theyre pitching it to the everybody else. See if you can guess its subtle, but see if you can guess what group Senate Republicans are trying to court with this message from South Carolina senator tim scott i like to put it very simply. We want to help you hashtag keep yo money. Stephen yes. Keep yo money, of course, was the catch phrase of the popular 90s show yo mtv tax. laughter its not like senator scott is the only republican who could have delivered that message. They could have gone with the g. O. P. s second most diverse senator, caucasian q. Whitington iii. laughter piano riff but they already have him promoting the bills original hashtag retainthyestate. laughter hey, does anybody remember how during the campaign, donald trump kept complaining about Hillary Clinton was using a private email server for government work . You guys remember that . Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen the lock her up, that lock her up stuff . Yeah, well, this week, we learned that at least six of president trumps closest advisers used private email addresses to discuss white house matters, including ivanka trump, and Jared Kushner. But of course, donald trump has no problem with this, now. I have not seen trump go back on his word like this since he didnt build a border wall or repeal obamacare or give up his business or release his tax returns or never play golf. laughter he is flipflopping so often. cheers and applause piano riff its nice to have some donald trump fans here tonight. Jon they love him. Stephen hes flipflopping so often, next sunday hes going to take a knee during the national anthem. laughter and applause piano riff yeah. And this private email thing could have legal ramifications because Jared Kushner didnt disclose the fact that he was using personal email to the Senate Intelligence committee. I get it. You want to save some things for the trial, just to keep it spicy. laughter and, apparently, the committee is not pleased. They sent kushner a letter, instructing him to turn over all relevant documents from his personal email account, as well as all other email accounts. Bold and underlined. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Theyre whipping out the font on this guy. laughter you bold and underlined. You only get results with the rough stuff. I hear down in gitmo, they use italics. laughter jon woo stephen yeah. Even worse for jared, when his lawyer attempted to forward him the committees letter, he accidentally sent it to a fake kushner account run by a prankster. laughter and that prankster is now in charge of the Opioid Crisis and middle east peace. laughter jon oh, my goodness. Stephen now oh, theres big news out of the tweeto sphere right now because of this, did you hear this . Twitter just doubled the character limit for tweets to 280. audience reacts yeah, 280. They have to because, as shakespeare so famously said, brevity is the soul of wit, but i got all these extra characters to fill blah, blah, blah, blah. Hashtag im really christopher marlowe. laughter piano riff and, like Everything Else in the world, this is about money. See, twitters been around for 11 years, but the company has never turned a profit. But now that is all fixed. Because, think about it, if 140 characters earned you zero dollars, then 280 characters will double that laughter thats just math. Jon yeah. Stephen but heres the thing twitter is doing a slow rollout of this new increased character limit with a select group of users, and donald trump isnt in the test group. laughter oh oh, no jon hes on there all the time laughter applause stephen that is a huge dis jon yeah. Stephen i mean, thats our Foreign Policy jon thats the whole thing. Stephen twitter is his whole thing. Trump and twitter go together like nazis and tiki torches. laughter i personally think its for the best. If trump had more than 140 characters, he could fit his whole message into one tweet, and then i personally would miss the dot, dot, dot; dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Those are the only parts of his tweets that arent lies. laughter but, theres a lot applause lies. Lies piano riff jon yes. Stephen but theres a lot on the president s plate right now. Lets see, what is he thinking about . Working on his new tax plan, the crisis in puerto rico, the threat of nuclear war with north korea which is why hes staying focused on football. Evidently, earlier this week, trump called Dallas Cowboys owner, jerry jones, four times in one day to talk about anthem stuff. Hey, jerry, its don again. So what do you really think about the flag kneeling . Oh, john kelly just walked in. Uh, thats right, president of china jackie chan. Thats laughter that is my final offer, take it or leave it. Aloha laughter cheers and applause im sorry about that. I had to read him the riot act. Trump has called on the owners to fire players that protest, and he explained why that might be harder than you think. I have so many friends that are owners, and they are in a box. I mean, i have spoken to a couple of them. They say, we are in a situation where we have to do something. I think theyre afraid of their players, you want to know the truth. Stephen yes, n. F. L. Owners are afraid of their players. Need proof . Look at these owners. He is terrified. laughter the guy to the left of him has got gloves; hes going to strangle him. And look, this guys praying for his life laughter just about everyone you can think of is weighing in on the n. F. L. Debate, and, yesterday, someone you would never think of did as well 90s action star and jeanclaude van dammes waterbed, Steven Seagal. laughter seagal showed up on a british morning talk show to discuss the matter. I believe that everyones entitled to their own opinion, but i dont agree that they should hold the United States of america or the world hostage by taking a venue where people are tuning in to watch a Football Game and, you know, imposing their political views. I respect the american flag, and i myself have risked my life countless times for the american flag. Stephen yes risked his life countless times for the american flag. And sure, none of that was real. laughter but then again, neither is his hair. laughter you know, i think theres more Steven Seagal could have said on this issue, and i intend to do it, right now. Jon woo get it together. Oh, snap oh, wow laughter applause stephen these Football Players have the fans under siege. They may think theyre above the law, but they may soon find themselves on deadly ground. laughter theyll find most americans are out for justice, because theyre laughter no because theyre feeling under siege 2, the sequel. laughter and if these protesters dont like this country, they can feel free to challenge me to mortal kombat. Wait, was i in that . Find out if im in that. One things for sure, you mess with Steven Seagal, youre not only going straight to hell, youre going straight to dvd. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause steve martin is here. But when we return, awkward photos of beautiful celebrities, all for a good cause. Stick around. Joey has unique features. Thats why at petsmart we carry Royal Canin Breed Health Nutrition formulas. Now spend 50 on royal canin and save 10 on your next purchase and when you buy any bag of dog or cat food we give a meal to a pet in need. Petsmart for the love of pets. Kyle, we talked about this. Theres no monsters. But you said theyd be watching us all the time. No, no. No, honey, we meant that progressive would be protecting us 24 7. We just bundled home and auto and saved money. Thats nothing to be afraid of. But good night, kyle. [ switch clicks, door closes ] i told you i was just checking the wiring in here, kyle. Hes never like this. I think somethings going on at school. [ sighs ] hes not engaging. I think somethings going on at school. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. [hello moto] can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats an edgetoedge screen. Can your phone get loud with an alexa you can take anywhere . Alexa, turn it up. And alexa, add a moto z to my cart. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get a free projector mod when you buy a moto z. Available across all major carriers. Do i use a toothpaste thati had whitens my teeth or one. Thats good for my teeth . 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Im a quick packer. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human louis cato on the guitar give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause jon jon yes stephen jon, you know whats got me excited is that we have the book here. Jon uhhuh. Stephen we have a gentleman who brought a copy of the book with him, Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. And id like to tell that man right there, you and everybody watching that im proud to say the midnight confessions, we just found out, is now a New York Times number one best seller. cheers and applause thats it. Jon there we are. Stephen there it is, man. You put it out. You put it out there. Somebodys going to put it in there, and we did it. And i just have one quick confession that is not true. I have no idea how many people have bought it, but i hope a lot of people do, because its a good book. Its a good book. Jon yeah, its a good book stephen and it was a good feeling when i said we did that and thats the world i want to live in, okay. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen i do have one other confession here, is that i also have an ice cream, called Stephen Colberts americone dream. If you havent tasted it, you have to check this thing out. And ill tell you wy cheers and applause besides the fact you can never have too much dairy, is the fact that all the money i receive from this goes to charity, the Americone Dream Fund, which we usually give away at the end of the year. The staff here all get together, we figure out where it goes to. Its a really fun night when we announce that. But heres the thing last night, nick kroll was on, promoting his new show big mouth which is about puberty, and he was asking celebrities ot there to tweet awkward photos of themselves when they were teens with the hashtag puberme. Now, i wanted to start, but i dont have any awkward photos of my teenage years, so instead i tweeted this suave guy right there. cheers and applause yeah. Thats me when i was 13. Hey, ladies, who wants to hear me recite from the silmarillion . laughter then, and this is absolutely true, right in the moment when we were talking about it, i thought, as long as were doing this hashtag, why not do some good here as well . So, right on the spurofthe moment, i said, hey, im going to challenge celebrities out there. If you put out a photo of yourself at a very awkward pubescent age, with the hashtag puberme, and the hashtag puertoricorelief, i will make sure that the Colbert Americone Dream Fund will give money for every tweet to puerto rico relief. Now cheers and applause jon have a little fun. Yeah. Stephen heres the thing, it was honestly a spurofthe moment idea, and i had no idea how much money we had to give. So thats why, before we broadcast last night, we actually lifted part of the interview out until i checked on the balance of the ice cream account. Now that weve checked on it, i want to show you the part of the interview with nick we lifted, because i asked nick to name how much i would donate per tweet of celebrity and this is what he said. How much money should go to each celebrity who does this . I have no idea how much money a thousand dollars. Stephen jesus laughter well, i talked to jesus and hes in. cheers and applause so, i am happy to announce hes very generous. piano riff im happy to announce that for every celebrity and again, i get to determine whos a celebrity laughter who posts their awkward teen photos with the hashtag puberme, and hashtag puerto ricorelief, the Americone Dream Fund will donate 1,000. To the one america appeal. Now, weve already got some great entries from colbert verified celebs. This actually came through today. Here is a puberty photo from sarah silverman, who at 13 was looking cooler during puberty than i do now. laughter the very talented aidy bryant sent this one. I believe this was the yearbook where she was voted most likely to become a thoughtful squirrel. laughter heres here we go, heres secret eats adam richman at his bar mitzvah. Before that ceremony, he was just a boy versus food. laughter here is oh, i love this one. This is Kumail Nanjiani preparing for what i assume was his Backstreet Boys audition. laughter there was the cute one, the bad boy, and then kumail was the one who always carries dice. laughter and then theres the lovely and talented alison brie. This isnt a contest, but that is a winner. laughter that headgear alone puts her in the top 1 of awkward. laughter so were already into the tens of thousands of dollars in here, which is fantastic. cheers and applause i want you celebrities to step up and tweet those photos with the hashtag puberme and hashtag puertoricorelief. I want to see bowl cuts, i want to see brace faces, a constellation of acne across your tzone. laughter and to make sure theres money enough in the fund, please go get more Stephen Colberts americone dream ice cream. Do your duty and eat the whole pint tonight. If you dont hate yourself in the morning, youre part of the problem. laughter well be right back with steve martin. cheers and applause work. School. I think its time we mixed things up. Oh yeah, in your face and in conclusion, cats. Four flavors, four shapes. Cheetos xtra cheesy mixups. Its iphone season and everyones celebrating but this year celebrate more responsibly. How much data did i use last night . What did i sign up for . Hey jimmy, wheres your iphone season spirit . Be smart and get the new iphone 8 from sprint youll get the best price for unlimited and Network Reliability within 1 of the other guys. Works for me its an iphone season miracle im going to sprint vo celebrate at sprint get the new iphone 8 and save 350, plus upgrade to the latest iphone anytime for people with hearing loss, with iphone forever. Visit sprintrelay. Com. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a grammyAward Winning banjo player. Hes also done a bit of comedy work. Please welcome steve martin cheers and applause thank you wow cheers and applause thank you very much thank you yeah stephen thank you for that. Thats what i was doing. Stephen i know. Theres nothing like a butt shine on your desk. laughter nice to see you again. Thanks very much. Stephen ive not seen you since you came on here with Edie Brickell to perform last time. Well, you know what . Stephen what . That is exactly true. laughter the way you figured that out. laughter stephen so what have you been up to . I have done so much im up to about 190. But, i laughter stephen okay, good. Yeah, but i have been doing so much. I have a new album. I dont want to make this a promotional spot. laughter i hate that. You know, when youve got a new album, oh stephen cheers and applause Stephen Steve you know, i tell you something, thank you for showing this, this is my new album. Im with the Steep Canyon Rangers. cheers and applause stephen sure. A band ive worked with for almost ten years. Weve kind of grown together musically. And this is our second album together and thats why i wanted to feature them on the cover, and show them and then, you know, have a laughter stephen thats awfully nice. And have a little picture of myself. Stephen thats very generous. Yeah, thanks. Stephen was this the only album cover you guys worked on . No, but first of all, you have to understand, this is the c. D. The vinyl is laughter unbelievable. Stephen oh, wow. The fidelity must be amazing. Unbelievable. Stephen how much information you can get in there. So where are you going with that . See, the title of the album is the longawaited album. Stephen it wasnt the only title you guys came up with. No, we had other titles and we did actually mock up album covers to see if the title would work. Stephen youve got to ,to see if its good. I brought just a few to show you. Stephen theres another choice. Yeah. Your dream come true. Stephen your dream come true more banjos. Thats right. Stephen do you want to read the titles or should i read the titles . You read the titles because youre in comedy and im now in music. laughter stephen yeah. Well, well see. Okay. Yeah, hey, i have an idea. Stephen what . You read one, ill read one. laughter stephen all right, ill try this one again then. Okay. Well, thats not fair to you, you have to do the same joke twice. Stephen your dream come true more banjos cheers and applause okay. Songs to whittle to. applause stephen live outside Carnegie Hall thats good. applause you did good on that one. Stephen yeah. And this is my favorite. As white as you remember. laughter applause piano riff you know how your sit your suit fits you when you stand up . Stephen yes. But when you sit down, it no longer fits you . Stephen yes. The sleeves are too short, legs are short. Stephen a little tight in the crotch. Well, no. Stephen no . Not with me, no. laughter stephen plenty of room . I dont know what that means. Stephen i do. One of the reasons i had you on, not to put you on the spot, but youre one of my comedy models, my comedy heroes. Thank you. Stephen i dont think i could have done that crazy high status idiot character i did for ten years without having listened to all your comedy albums when i was younger. Amazing influence. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen and, you know, Jerry Seinfelds good, too, but hes not on til tomorrow. laughter yeah. By the way, Jerry Seinfeld is one of my heroes. Hes like a retrohero, like a guy who came up behind you and is better than you are. laughter im talking about you. laughter no, better than i am. I think hes fantastic. I love to listen to him. Its kind of he almost puts me at peace. I can just listen to him talk. I like it. Stephen yeah, i feel that way about jim gaffigan. laughter not a joke, its true. laughter yeah, thats why they pre tape these shows so you can cut that out. laughter stephen yeah. I do this to my producer, if i want something to not be in the show, i just do this. If you watch the show that means the next thing or something you just saw got cut out of the show. And also, i would like my producer to cut out that i just revealed that. laughter youre also, to use the fancy word, a polymath. Youre a connoisseur of art, a playwright, you have a show on broadway in december. Yes, i do. Stephen whats the show coming in november . The show is called meteor shower. I have been working on it for the last two years, it was at the globe theatre, the long wharf theater in connecticut. And now i got a call about three weeks ago from the producer and he says, steve, your show, the play you wrote is going on to broadway, starring amy schumer, keegan michaelkey, lauren binante, and alan tudyk, and it is going to be directed by jerry zaks, multitony Award Winning director who did hello dolly with bette midler, on stage right now, and its going to be at the what i think is one of the best theatres for comedy in new york, the booth theater. And i said to him, you know what . I am way too high to deal with this right now. cheers and applause anyway, thats whats happening, yeah. Stephen wow. So whats it about . Is it about a meteor shower . Yes, its about a couple who lives in ojai, california, sort of distant, inland a bit, and they host a meteor shower with another couple they dont know that well. Stephen like a Meteor Shower Party . Yeah, to watch meteors. Two couples, four people, and then chaos ensues. Stephen we just had the eclipse this summer. Did you go anyplace to see the eclipse . I am so bored with eclipses. laughter actually i saw a partial eclipse in new york city i cant remember how many, maybe 15 years ago. It was so beautiful. This is no joke. You know that thing instead of looking up, you look down and you see the shadows in the trees and they do something so strange. It was so beautiful. So all these people in new york on a Beautiful Day were looking down. Stephen thats a metaphor for laughter piano riff uhhuh. I also happen to know are you still doing on tour with martin short . With martin short. Yes, thats my main job. Stephen really . cheers and applause i tell you ing i lo. Stephen yeah. About touring around with marty short. No paparazzi. laughter stephen just left alone. My wife thought that marty and i were too close, but we resolved that, because we got one of those beds with the adjustable sleep numbers. laughter stephen okay. So hes got his and yeah. Were good buddies. We have nicknames. What have you got . You going back in time . Stephen what good buddies you are. There you go. Stephen there you go. This is this summer, you and martin short. You know, we forgot where we were. laughter stephen mmhmm. So you said nicknames for each other . Nicknames. I call him buddy. Hey, buddy, have a good show tonight, buddy. Stephen whats he call you . Spotlight ceiling time suck mood killer. laughter laughter applause cheers and applause piano riff stephen almost like king tut. Yeah. Stephen how is he as a kisser . Does he have soft lips . We did that at the diane keaton a. F. I. Tribute. Stephen doesnt matter where you did it. I dont remember what the premise was. The premise was, hey, i really like you stephen exactly. laughter now, you met him when you were doing three amigos i imagine. Three amigos, yes. Stephen do you do films anymore . I miss steve martin on camera. Im so interested in what im doing right now, besides no offers, but laughter stephen really . No, i really like touring around, being live, which is strange. I cant even believe im saying that. Stephen why is it strange . You like a live audience, right . cheers and applause absolutely, this is great. I tell you what it was. When i was doing stand up Jerry Seinfeld is the opposite. He loves it and thinks its great. I was alone out there and thinking ahead and thinking, will that work . On to the next, what is the next thing, and now i have a partner, and we just laugh, we enjoy each other, we smile, were happy offstage, onstage, laughing, lets go. Stephen and if it doesnt work, its his fault . Exactly. Stephen now you have these partners. You like to reach down there. Stephen thats where things are. Oh, i see. Stephen if i put them up there, it would take focus away from us talking. Thats professional show business. Stephen this is where the money is. Yeah. Stephen the money is right there. You know what i would like to do . Put tinfoil on this and sit like this. laughter stephen you could. Get a little extra light. Stephen you could. What to you think about what weve done with the place. Do you like the theater . I actually do. I think the graphic thing stephen the stained glass. Yes. And central park. Stephen from the top of the hotel next door, and it changes seasonally. Videos. Wow, the things they can do. Stephen yep. laughter well, are you touring now . Are we done . Stephen no, we have time. Were never going to be done, steve. We kind of did this. Stephen no, but i was going to say if you dont want me to say youre going to do a song coming up. Oh, i am. I am going to do a song. Stephen you are going to do a song coming up . Yeah. cheers and applause yeah, with i must say, with the grammy Award Winning the Steep Canyon Rangers, the band ive worked with all these years. Stephen so, stick around, because steve and the band, at the end of the show, will do a cut from the longawaited album, available now, steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers. Well be right back. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen thanks, steve. Well be right back with Mark Feuerstein. Im living that yacht life, life, life top speed fifty knots life on the caribbean seas its a champagne and models potpourri on my yacht made of cuban mahogany, gany, gany, gany watch this dont get mad bell mnemonic get e trade and get invested when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. 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That one. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, in the last year alone, youve seen my next guest in royal pains, prison break and the new season of wet hot american summer. He now stars in the cbs sitcom 9jkl, please welcome Mark Feuerstein cheers and applause hey, good to see you how are you . Hey everybody look at these people thank you. cheers and applause i mean, they got up stephen they did you didnt have to do that thanyou very much stephen when you come out here and do this, they kind of have to thank you. Stephen nice to see you again. You were so great at the emmy awards. Stephen oh, thanks very much. It was so fun cheers and applause wasnt he fantastic . You introduced me and rashida jones. Stephen lovely young lady, talented, funny person to come out there with. I was honored to come out with her and hear my name said by you tonight and on that night. Stephen it was much more fun than i thought it would be since those things are usually such a drag if you lose. Especially if you lose, like we did. laughter i thought you should have won. Stephen thank you very much. I thought you should have won, too. Both of us should have won. Thank you. Stephen theyll all pay eventually. laughter now, listen, no pressure, but because hes coming out to do a song a little later, you are technically both following and opening for steve martin right now. I am the meat in a steve martin sandwich. Stephen i was telling him, kind of gushing on him earlier about how influential he is and how much i loved him, still do, but what a hero of mine he was, is he a hero of yours . I was such a huge fan of his. I wasnt a theatre kid, i didnt act throughout my childhood, when i started in college, but the one thing i did do was imitate the comedians that i loved. So we would be at dinner, my father was a lawyer and he would have clients, and at dinner he would say, mark, do eddie murphy, mark, do steve martin. My only experience of acting was imitating comedians. So i would dive into wild and crazy guys, and they would come and say, steve, how can you be such a swinging sex god . laughter stephen that was tipping you out to the clients. Correct. He got a lot of business, everything worked out and everybody won. Stephen sure. You have been starring on tv 20 years, caroline in the city, west wing, royal pains, wet hot american summer. Its amazing, thank you. Stephen what do you think keeps the people coming back to Mark Feuerstein . Whats the hook . I have no idea. Who knows what the hook is . Stephen obviously the eye candy. Thank you. The taking the shirt off. I have heard good positive things and negative things all along the way, but recently ive had to listen to them directly because we have this new show, 9jkl thats coming on to cbs 8 30 monday nights, youre going to love it. Im an executive producer, my wife and i created the show together. Stephen so you hear the notes directly . I actually have to go to something called testing. Have you heard of testing . Stephen i have been in a testing room once behind the mirror eating m ms while i heard people say, why does he have a job . Yes, ive gotten to listen to those same things. Stephen its heartbreaking. Many people liked it, but one person in the eightamerican focus group, people who were in las vegas killing time before the mayweather fight stephen why to they always do it in vegas . I dont know. Because there is a lot of people walking around, i dont know. Stephen there are people in new york city. Thats a fair point. Maybe theyre saving them from losing 50 in that hour on a slot machine. So they go in to this testing thing. They sit there and judge you and you have to sit there and watch them. And some people like it and some go, eh, i dont know. Stephen anything personal about you that hurt your feelings . Yes, sure. I dont like him. Hes not good. Stephen did you want to rush into the room . I want to break the mirror and say, excuse me, buddy, this is my life on the line here stephen and not only that but the show is very personal to you. A lot of this is based on your own life story. Thats correct. I was here shooting royal pains for, like, eight years and my wife and kids are in l. A. So, to save money, i stayed in an apartment my parents own, which is next to the apartment i grew up in, that they live in. Stephen as an adult man. As an adult man. Every morning i would wake up to my father coming in in his Tighty Whities going, mark, you want breakfast, eggs, french toast . At night, after a 15hour day, i would come home trying to get into my apartment, like a gun slinger in a night gown, my mother would whip open the door and say, would you like to come in for a salad . I got black and white cookies. And i would sit with her for 45 minutes and hear about the days events. Stephen because youre a good son. Because im a good boy. So, anyway, for two years, my wife and brother and baby lived on the other side in 9l. Stephen get out so for two years i was living between my parents and my brother and their wife and baby, and i told this to a producer and he said, thats a show he was speaking like louie mayer. I dont know why, or why i did that voice. Stephen you were talking to a carnival barker from 1920. Kid, youre what we call a natural yeah. Stephen we have a clip here. Can you tell us whats about to happen and why is this. Yes, im on a date, my mother is ruining it. Stephen played by the lovely and talented by the amazing linda ladd. Stephen jim . So . So . doorbell ringing josh laughter thats just my elderly neighbor, probably lost her teeth again. Shell find em. laughter doorbell ringing you know what . If we stay quiet, maybe shell go away. Oh laughter whats going on . Perhaps i dont quite understand your relationship with your neighbor. Stephen based on a true story. Yes, it is. Stephen thanks and lovely to see you again. So great to see you, too. Thank you. Stephen 9jkl premieres monday 8 30 on cbs. Mark feuerstein, everybody. Stick around, because we have a performance coming up by steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers. speaking hindi speaking spanish hraaerrr wookiee . Campbells new star wars soups. Made for real, real life. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. All smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. [hello moto] can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats an edgetoedge screen. Can your phone get loud with an alexa you can take anywhere . Alexa, turn it up. And alexa, add a moto z to my cart. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 dollars off a moto z2 force edition and a free projector mod. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. We can now repair complex at saortic aneurysmsare, without invasive surgery. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for varicose veins. And if we can precisely treat eye cancer with minimal damage to the rest of the eye, imagine what we can do for glaucoma, even cataracts. If we can use dna to diagnose the rarest of diseases, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. School. I think its time we mixed things up. Oh yeah, in your face and in conclusion, cats. Four flavors, four shapes. Cheetos xtra cheesy mixups. When i walked through a snowthats when i knewtte, i had to quit. For real this time. Thats why im using nicorette. Only nicorette gum has patented dualcoated technology for great taste plus intense craving relief. Every great why needs a great how. [ america by the 7seater volkswagen atlas. Lifes as big as you make it. And i am a senior Public Safety my namspecialist for pg e. My job is to help educate our First Responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies. Everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. I live right here in auburn, i absolutely love this community. Once i moved here i didnt want to live anywhere else. I love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other peoples lives. Together, were building a better california. Stephen and now, performing caroline, please welcome steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers cheers and applause can you tell me why you left me standing in the parking structure caroline, i was the almost perfect boyfriend, ever, for you and, you even said that to me one time at the olive garden please return my car and leave the keys inside the glove compartment caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline caroline, you are the hardest thing ill ever put behind me never thought youd leave me stranded not a glance into the rearview ill be looking for someone who wears their hair exactly like you and who swears a blue streak when the tarheels lose the quarterfinals caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline if you ever find another please dont put a post on facebook i would rather think i was a deep regret you cant resolve if i have a drink with someone i will tell her all about you that will be the big mistake that i will make on my first date caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline yes, i know that we could not have lasted daily life can not be that intense ill phone my friends and try to explain why this past year i have acted so insane caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline caroline, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline, oh, caroline oh, caroline cheers and applause stephen the longawaited album is out now thank you. Stephen steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause thank you so much. Cbs eye on the community. Presented by target. Food has the power to transform lives. With the help of target, the San FranciscoMarin Food Bank addresses hunger headon in the community. Our food pantries are vibrant. People feel welcomed, and theyre being respected. It helps our team members see the work that they do in the store every day. How that actually relates to their communities. Cbs eye on the community is sponsored by target. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show, everybody. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by cbs are you ready yall to have some fun feel the florks tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from cramswick, effronfelt encallentarf, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden cheers and applaus