Much whats going on . Hey, everybody whats going on. Hi, paul. Hi, matt, whats going on. I like it. I like your jackson pollock. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen hey, thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause thats very nice. Ladies and gentlemen, please, have a seat, everybody. Youre too kind. Thanks very much. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well today. cheers and applause today, its 13 days after hurricane maria, yet another disaster struck puerto rico donald trump visited the island. laughter but before the president left for sant juan, he gave this objective assessment of his administrations Disaster Relief efforts. In texas and in florida, we get an aplus, and ill tell you what, i think weve done just as good in puerto rico, and its actually a much tougher situation. Stephen you know you cant give yourself an aplus, right . Thats thats not how grades work. I have done an outstanding job this semester. Im saying all as, which is why i am so proud that i just admitted myself to harvard. I cant i just i never even took the s. A. T. S. I never took the s. A. T. S. Dispi just decided i got a 1600 on my s. A. T. S. I just did it. Once he was there in san juan, trump made it clear how much he loves puerto rico. Ive been to puerto rico many times, i think most of you have known, and ive always loved it. And your weather is second to none. But every once in a while, you get hit, and you really got hit, no question about it. Stephen that is trumpsplaining at its best. laughter you probably didnt notice with all your beautiful weather, but you guys got a hurricane. It was a huge one, believe me. You guys knew you were on an island, surrounded by salty water. Big, wet, salty, delicious. Youre not supposed to drink it. Thats just a little tip. And trump addressed the devastation this hurricane caused. To him. I hate to tell you, puerto rico, but youve thrown our budget a little out of what . Stephen what the budget is out of what . Its like a fireman rescuing you from a burning building then saying, do you understand what our water bill is going to be now . Do you know how many sexy calendars were going to have to sell to pay for this . Trump even took time to meet with victims of the hurricane. Although, he could use some help with the small talk. We have a good house, thank god. In the meantime, here you are. Exactly. Exactly. Were going to help you out. Thank you. Have a good time. Stephen have a good time. Youre at a disaster site, not working the floor at your casino you havin fun here . Listen, im gonna comp you a half a gallon drinking water. Enjoy your hurricane. Dont forget to tip your fema worker. cheers and applause now, donald trump applause , of course, trump didnt just go to puerto rico to talk. He also handed out muchneeded supplies in the trumpiest way possible. Here you go. Bon apetit from downtown. Yes, let them eat one more. Let them eat paper towels. After that, he went to a hospital and distributed antibiotics with a tshirt cannon. All right, whos got a fever. Jon a little bit callous. Stephen then, trump also passed out some flashlights, though he wasnt sure why. Flashlights. You dont need them anymore you dont need them anymore stephen you dont need them anymore . 95 of the island doesnt have electricity. You dont need flashlights anymore, because all these news cameras from my poetoop are pointed here at me and im here for the long hall. Gotta go, bye. Two. And trump learned a lesson about Water Purification tablets. So, wait, you put it in dirty water yeah, and then you can drink it after ten to twelve hours. Would you do it . Would you drink it . Sure. Really . Really. Stephen yes. Yes, shed drink it because its the only water she has. Just like shes only talking to you because youre the only president weve got. cheers and applause she doesnt have a choice she wishes the president wasnt so dirty. And trump did take time to thank the First Responders. A lot of people got to see the real coast guard during this incredible trouble. And especially, i think, here, and in texas. Was incredible what they did. So thank you all very much. Thank you very much. We appreciate it, really appreciate it. Would you like to Say Something on behalf of your men and women . Sir, im representing the air force. No, i know that. laughter stephen on. Ye, no, look, look, i know youre the airfare force. I only said coast guard and pointed at you because when you think about it, what is the air but the coast of the sky that you are guarding . Who wants paper towels . Any . Any want there you go. There you go. I dont think he could i think i have more vertical than donald trump. Thats one thing i can say. Who wants some paper towels . Of course, back on the mainland, the country is still reeling from the shooting in las vegas. The official government response has been fine. Has been pro forma. But i do have a beef with one thing that was said yesterday by white house spokesperson Sarah Huckabee sanders, when she was asked about tighter gun laws. Theres a time and place for a political debate, but now is the time to unite as a country. I think that we can have those policy conversations, but today is not that day. Stephen huh, where have i heard that before . The whole guncontrol thing, this is not the time and place to be having that conversation. I dont want to do this gun control discussion right now. Theres a day, place, and a time for all that. Lets wait and have that conversation later. Im more than happy to talk about this in a few days. Right nows not the time. This is not the time to have the discussion. This is not the time for this. Its just not the time to dive into the politics and try to score political points on this topic. Stephen they always say that a gun tragedy is never the right time to talk about stopping the next gun tragedy. Its like your alcoholic uncle wrapping his car around a tree and getting out saying, todays not the day to talk about my drinking okay . Im still drunk right now. Heres to the tree what were we talking about . Who wants to go for a drive . But Congressional Republicans have been working on something kind of disturbing specifically new legislation to make silencers easier to buy because thats the problem with gun violence the noise. The bill is called the sportsmens heritage and recreational enhancement act. Recreational enhancement act . That sounds like a viagra ad. Though if these guys would just take viagra, they wouldnt need so many guns in the first place. cheers and applause youll notice jon yeah, get it away. Stephen youll notice that a sportsmens heritage and recreational enhancement spells out the share act. How disarming. Its like if you named a bill weve got a great show for you tonight. Michael weatherly is here. And when we return, more awkward celebrity teen photos. Stick around. Ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Boy i wish your mom was here. Applebees 2 for 20. Instead of over there. screaming i aint afraid to say it. Go blue ill kick it. She needs this kids. Mom needs this. screaming have some. Just get it done. Reliving the glory days isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Behold the power of energizer® ultimate lithium™. Music the 1 longestlasting battery. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Adjusting a tropical mood. We let it transport us. Adventure. We have a fragrance for that. New Glade Plugins car. Crafted by glade. Sc johnson. Heineken is served its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste stay human and the band right over there. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. As i said just a moment ago, standing over there, the president was in puerto rico for a little over five hours today, and yet, somehow, theres still a lot of work to be done, and everybody wants to help, obviously. Americans are good people who want to help other americans. Well, i got a parttime gig as the spokesface for ben jerrys americone dream. cheers and applause i love it. I love it. I love it. Look, i ate the whole pint. Theres nothing in there. You can just serve this one again. I give all of my proceeds to charity every year with the Americone Dream Fund. Well, last week, nick kroll was on to plug his new Netflix Series big mouth about the awkwardness of puberty, and he asked me and other celebrities to put up awkward photos, like this one of me. cheers and applause there you go. With the hashtag puberme. I suggested that the Americone Dream Fund could donate 1,000 for every celebrity who did that. I issued that challenge last wednesday, and im happy to say that, unlike my facial hair at age 14, the results have been coming in strong. We got a new stack of photos here for tonight. What have we got here . This is one of my favorite actors from veep. This is a 13yearold version of mr. Tony hale right there. cheers and applause that is never seen had him with hair before. He looks like he just saw the very first victorias secret catalog. laughter okay. Oh, this is one of my favorite people in the world right here. See if you can recognize who this is. That is sam beeat age 13. Yes. cheers an cheers and applaus isnt that amazing . Both men and women look like this in canada at age 13. Her face says teen, but her haircut says, mother of two. laughter oh you know who this is whos that . Jack black. There he is here he is at 12. I think hes 12 right here being depicted as an adorable japanese aipa may character. Only explains the eyes that big. This person, this is amy sedaris, one of my favorite people in the world. applause nothing nothing awkward about it. Coond of adorable. I just love her so much. I have to show that photo. This is this is who is this . Who is this . This is who is this . Who is this . Oh, its thomas middle itch from silicon valley. Wow, thats amazing. Hes he actually looks more gawky and adolescent now in his 40s. Hes the only person who has ever benjamin buttoned backwards into puberty. What have we got here . Oh, this is come oyoull never guess who this is. Weird Al Yanukovych right there. Unbelievable. Hes the only person on earth who could make a coconut and bendystraw combo kind of cool. Heres cutie pie himself, Brad Whitford right there. This is before the invention of the comb. He was hes seen her in midmolt. And this is this is as he calls it himself, this is the nuclear option, what im about to show you. This is the neutron bomb of biewb tee photos. Heres our good friend, john oliver. cheers and applause this is this is, i think this was taken right before he did a 30minute deep dive about why stephanie should go to prom with him. So remember, if you want to help, go to oneamericaappeal. Org. Theres still plenty of time. Theres still plenty of need. Wait, steve, ive got one more photo. cheers and applause neil, good to see you. One more photo. Stephen please, have a seat. Please, have a seat. I dont have anything. I i heard i heard you were looking for. cheers and applause stephen neil, neil, you have something to add to the discussion . I heard you were looking for embarrassing celebrity puberty photos. I just heard. I just heard. Stephen we rits for a good cause, neil. I just happened to be walking by laughter . Stephen just walking through manhattan. Just walking by with one such photo of me mounted on cardstock just coincidentally. Stephen what camera should he show it to . Stephen show it to this one here no, im not going to stephen all right. cheers and applause i gotta say, how old are you . 13. Im 13. Stephen youre 13 years old yeah. Stephen that is prime puberty right there. Im feeling it. Stephen that is neil depube tyson right there. You have a fair amount of you look selfpossessed. You have a lot of confidence in your gaze right there. I was feeling the universe. Stephen it looks like youre the center of the universe in this photograph, neil. Neil, thank you so much for being here. All right. Stephen always happy to have you. Remember, if you want to help, go to oneamericaappeal. Org. Well be right back with Michael Weatherly when i look at you, i look back on my life and i know what it was for. What if i struggled. What if i sacrificed. And what if i swore id succeed. So you could wake up one day with the choice to be anything you wanted. Well then, my great granddaughter. It would all be worth it. With 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. Whentrust the brand doctors trust for themselves. Nexium 24hr is the number one choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. And all day all night protection. When it comes to frequent heartburn, trust nexium 24hr. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. band playing cheers and applause stephen thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the late show. My first guest spent 13 seasons on ncis and is now dr. Jason bull on bull. Please welcome Michael Weatherly. Hey, there, Michael Weatherly. There you go nice to see you applause whats going on . No, no, no. You first. You first. Age before beauty. You know, im so excited to be here. I just want to if i could, start with something. So and im so glad that we get this moment because i had stephen i always have a good time with you. Dont touch my cards. Dont touch my cards. This is exactly how the dreams started stephen did you say you had a dream about me . Yes. Stephen this is a family show. What are you about to tell me . Cbs, cbs. It was important and my wife thought it was important i tell you. Stephen you told your wife about this dream. Some things you have to tell your wife and its the kind of marriage we have. Stephen i want to point out. Im not your wife. You dont have to tell me. laughter . So we i came in my dream i came on your show. Stephen in your dream, you came, in your dream, about me. cheers and applause just these are just jokes, folks. These are wet dream job s. Stephen go ahead, yeah. Stephen im flattered. Flattered, frankly. So in my dreernlg im sitting here with you and its its not going well. So stephen not possible. Not possible with a Michael Weatherly no, youre and youre struggling with me. Youre, like, trying to help me. Stephen im struggling . With me. Because im a disaster. And in my dream, you turn to the audience, and you go, can we just take a break . laughter and then you turn to me and said, serving okay . And i said, well, im a little tired. And youre like, i can tell laughter so you took me off to the corner, and you said, excuse us. And everyone, you know, said, stephen, thank you. I went over there, and we talked about stuff life, marriage. You know hows everything going . Got to balance the work and the life. Got to make sure you take care of yourself or what kind of father are you going to be to your children . I said, i feel better, stephen. You said lets go do this. We did the interview, and it was fantastic. And i woke up and i said, Stephen Colbert just fixed me. Stephen work wow. applause . Stephen come with me . Come woow me . Can we take a break. Come with me for a second. No, no, come with me. Okay. All right. Michael, it is not appropriate to talk about your dreams on a talk show. laughter okay, were going to go back over there. Are you okay . Im good. I just thought it was a funny little bit stephen system t. S. A. , it is, it is, but everyones really uncomfortable right now . Laugh. Im so sorry. Should i flings. Stephen no, never apologize. Theyre like piranha. Theyll turn on you in a minute. So convey confidence. Stephen youre a fragile creature, youre in show business, youre a little boy, and you need love at all times. cheers and applause so how you been . laughter . Ive been terrific, stephen. How have you been . Stephen now, listen you were you ever in puberty . Yes. I i went through a john denver sort of phase that just ended, really. Stephen is this you . That is me. I borrowed john olivers glasses. cheers and applause stephen that is really sex, man. I got the bieber, john Denver Stephen dorothy hamill. Theres actually theres actually theres pictures of Hillary Clinton that look a lot like this, actually, when she was at yale. Stephen oh, yes, yes, ive seen those photos. Ive seen those photos thats what i was shooting for. Very few people were hillary fans in 83, but i was one of those. Stephen you look like a 12yearold firstyear law student there. I understand when you were a kid, your dad sold i would love this. If i was a 12yearold boy your dad sold swiss army knives. Yes, that is true. My father of an importer of Swiss Army Knife from 1973 about to the late 80s. Stephen thats when there was only one. The Swiss Army Knife and that was it. You had to get it from switzerland. It was original. Stephen i have a Swiss Army Knife here and this is one of the deluxe ones. This has things i dont know what they do. Can you explain to us what some of the rarer versions, the tools on a Swiss Army Knife are. Please dont hurt yourself. Were not insured for this. This one is super good. Its a saw. That will saw through anything, that will just stephen this one . Open it that way. Stephen theres the saw. Well do the where is the picture of me. You can saw that in half. Here ill hold this side. cheers and applause laughter stephen there you go. And now i can be me. So thats a saw. Stephen okay. And so actually, when i was in the fifth grade, my father was explaining to me the difference between paying cost for something and wholesale and then retail. And so i caught on to this idea that i could actually get that knife which was retailing for, like 50 for 7. I asked dad if i could get a few. And then what i did was i brought them to school and i started selling them. And they were moving like hot cake s. Stephen youre talk Swiss Army Black market. Evidence adding 10 . Stephen 7 and you were charging 7. 70. I had to take care of me. Stephen two candy bars. Travel time, school bus. I was putting in a lot of hours. Stephen mr. Huber, not puber although that would not humor him at all. Mr. Huber caught me and brought me up to the Headmasters Office and i had at that point a duffel bag with about 50 knives in it stephen you, they would put you in jail now. Yes, yes, well, you know, it was the 70s. And the headmaster, mr. Sterns, looked at me very sternly, as headmasters should have those names, and he said, this is very wrong and normally you would be heavily punished. And i said, im sorry. And he said, okay. I need 10 champions, and if you could get my seven fishermen stephen wow, headmaster on the make you. Stephen have bull season two. Okay. Season two of bull. The people are loving the bull. After 13 seasons of ncis, which is the most popular drama on the planet. You cant, like, walk down the street in taipei, Something Like that, youre famous everywhere. How does it feel to have another hit on your hands . Its a lot of fun to do bull. And the important thing about bull is hes changed a little bit in season two, and he has a little more flimflam in his glam. And im laughter . Stephen explain to the people what bull does. They may not know. Bull is like a trial scientist, which means that he goes into the courtroom and hes trying to win the case fur by reading what the jury might be thinking. Stephen helping you put together the proper jury for yourself and how to but hes working a lot of aipgles you wouldnt think about that. We have glenn gordon cameron, and he has taken the reins and moved it in a totally insane direction which i am deeply in love with. Its a fastpaced, really energetic, quasicomedy, where we go to court. Stephen and do you does bull always help innocent people or does he sometimes get god glt people off the hook and we just dont care anymore as a nation . laughter no, no. Hes it matters to bull whether or not whether or not good is being served. Stephen thats not the same thing as innocent. Are these people innocent . Well, sometimes you do the wrong thing for the right glaens answer the question, senator. laughter . Im just saying stephen are the people always innocent, bull. Ill give you a for instance. Ill give you a for instance. Lets say im not going to give you a for instance, it will take too long. Ill tell thu stephen the answer is, no, theyre not innocent. Ill give you the answer. It wont take long at all. Its, you know, theres some gray areas. You can spell gray with an e or an a. Stephen true. Even gray is a gray area. Stephen guilty all right. We have a clip. We have a clip where bull is doing his bull. He is. Hes gray. Stephen hes bulling it up and what is bull doing in this clip . With whom is he bullying. He is talking to a kid whose girlfriend had glioblastoma, it was terminal. Stephen its getting funnier and he assisted in her taking her own life and is now being but it was her idea and she did all the stuff. He was just an accessory. Stephen thats some dark stuff, Michael Weatherly. Yes, but hes being accused of murder and, of course, he was really trying to help her. Stephen i understand. Is he dr. Death or a kid in love with a girl whos gone. Stephen jim. Look at me. Did i say, game over . Did i say we were defeated . They may have more point on the board, but the game is far from over. Dont patronize me. You dont get a name like bull because you give up before the game is over. What are you talking about . Thats your name. You were born with that. Maybe i was. Maybe i wasnt. applause . Its a gray area stephen for the record, for the record, your characters name is dr. Jason bull. We dont know that for sure. Stephen yes, we do okay. Stephen well, Michael Weatherly, thank you so much for being here. A pleasure. Stephen always wonderful to hear about your dreams. Please share them more the next time. Make them spicy next time. All right. Stephen all right. Bull airs tuesdays at 9 00 on cbs. Thats Michael Weatherly, everybody. Well be right back with natasha legerro. applause we cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Zorba the greek by Mikis Theodorakis the allnew Volkswagen Tiguan with available pedestrian monitoring. The new king of the concrete jungle. Starbucks narino 70 cold brew coffee. In stores now. Only at starbucks. Hi, i need your help. S for ive been trying to find. A knee specialist. But nobody has an opening for months uuuggghhh uuurrrggghhh mr. Powers . You cant always control your feelings. I found one innetwork next tuesday. But choosing unitedhealthcare can help you control your care. Thanks, stephanie. I see on your preventive checklist, youre due for a colonoscopy. Its covered at no additional cost to you. Great no green. Unitedhealthcare at Stanford Health care, we can now use a blood sample to detect lung cancer. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for asthma. And if we can stop seizures in epilepsy patients with a small pacemaker for the brain, imagine what we can do for multiple sclerosis, even migraines. If we can use patients genes to predict Heart Disease in their families, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. applause . Stephen hi highway are you . cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a standup comedian who currently stars on dice. Please welcome Natasha Leggero hello come up here. Here you go thank you. Thank you stephen hi. Hi. Stephen nice to have you back on . Great to be here. Stephen nice to see you again. Something is slightly different from the last time we were together. Just your way of telling me i look fat . Stephen glowing is the word i was looking for. No, i am pregnant, thank you. Stephen oh, congratulations. applause congratulations. But, the amount of weight ive gained, im not really in the glowing stage. Im kind of in the whats natasha sad about stage . Has she been eating too many burritos . Stephen i disagree. I think you look lovely. Oh, thank you. Stephen youre welcome. I feel gross. Stephen is this your first child . It is my first and my last. Stephen okay. Thats why you feel gross, you have never been through this before. No, no. Stephen there are all kinds of fears and apprehensions about this, too, like your body changing. Yeah, it sucks. Stephen yeah. laughter . Stephen no matter what you go to the doctor and complain about they go, thats perfectly normal. Right, right. Stephen my eyeballs are bleeding and theres hair on my chest. How do you know all this. Stephen because i am the father of three children. Why does the wife have to do everything. Stephen im sorry . Im sorry . Im sorry. applause how has this changed has this changed for some people not everybody, i realize but for some people it changes what they want to eat, what they want to drink. All that kind of stuff. Ive had really bad cravings for drugs. laughter i mean, this is not a good time to be sober. You know . Stephen no. No. Like stephen yeah. But then i was thinking, i was thinking, stephen, what if i had, like, a little toak, you know what i mean . Like, maybe the kid will have a few glitches, but the bars been set so low, it could still grow up and become the president of the United States cheers and applause are of America Stephen thats true. I would love it literally, anybody can become president. What an interesting time were living in. Stephen yes, what an interesting form of hope. laughter now, youre your husband, was a friend of the show. Has been on since the last time i saw you. Hes a comedian. Youre a comedian. Is it sort of predetermined that your child will be a comedienne, or do you have higher aspirations . laughter i mean, do you have, like, people in your family you dont want to make more of . I feel like im kind of afraid of my gene s. Stephen what do you mean . You know, like, the people im related to what, if it comes out like one of them. Stephen like uncle like uncle phil or something . Is there do you want to name some names . Yeah, its probably not a good idea. Equal wl, you know, like my brother lifltz in a van that he put an address on. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen how do you put an address on a van . You pull it up to someone who has a house and put a sign up with a halfsign of their address. Stephen no way. Thats possible . He did it. laughter . Stephen i know how im spending my retirement. My aunt, she has to borrow her daughters car because hers has a breathalyzer attached to it. Stephen oh, you have to blow on it before the car will go. Yeah, the state put it on your kerr happen you dont have people in your family like that . Stephen yeah, but they watch the show. laughter applause im going to see them eventually. And im joking, obviously. There are none. You toured with your husband this summer. That is something ive never done with my wife. You actually went out and gigged with him. Yes. Stephen what is that like to be stuck in the van with your loved one . It was fun. I mean, one problem is he was constantly on his phone. Like, he was constantly texting and driving. I already know thats how hes going to die. Ive written his obituary he died doing what he loved arguing with an outofstate stranger on facebook. So sad. He gets into these arguments on facebook. Stephen did you pry the wheel away from him at any point gimean, what can you do . Like, is your wife always on the phone, or are you guys not like that . Stephen no, my wife is perfect. cheers and applause shes watching the show. Perfect in every way shes also shes also cruel and sexy. Those are the adjectives. Oh, okay, thats nice. Stephen is she prefers, she prefers. I think so. Hell do this thing, were driving in the car hell be driving, its his car, his phone will ring, im sitting in the passenger street he answers it on bluetooth, this is how he swoors just so you know, youre on speaker just so you know natasha is in the car. Are your friends calling you up, your wife is a bitch. 9 11 is an inside job. Abortion should be illegal. Bro. Girls dont do that. Stephen you dont warn that somebody is in the car with you . Not like that. Its not like an amber alert. laughter are. Stephen keep it keep it light, natasha. Im happy to say that, you know, were doing this puberme challenge right now. Yes. Stephen to raise money for puerto rico. It turns out you went through puberty. You know, i was born glamorous, stephen. Stephen i have proof not only did you go through puberty, but there you go. You could tune in radio moscow. applause . I mean stephen that is adorable what is that . I used to have to sleep with theyve night. Stephen thats the man trying to keep your smile down right there. Thats you were blond when you were younger . My mom had me get a perm and highlights. I dont know. She said my hair was too fine. I dont know. Stephen its adorable. How old are you right here . There im 32. Stephen oh, very lateonset. Very late hadonset. Now youre in season two of dice a series with andrew dice clay. Yes. Stephen we had dice on here. Hes an insane person. Stephen he came on, like, a month ago, and ive been in comedy for 30 years. He shocked me, stuff we couldnt we couldnt even bleep it. We had to just lift it out of the show it was too dirty. He is so accidentally funny and purposefully funny. I went into a riteaid with him. He stole a bunch of candy and he comes out of the riteaid and takes all the candy out of his pocket and i said, do you need to borrow 5 . And he said, it tastes better when its free. Who thinks like that . Stephen do you your family, your parents, grandparents, if theyre still with us, do they watch you on the dice show . I texted my mom recently to ask her if she was watching. Do we have our text change. Stephen thats what this is. laughter applause i love the idea of a librarian stephen this is your mom . Your mom gets her tv from the library . Shes very supportive, but she does get most of her media from the public library. laughter . Stephen wow. In illinois. Stephen wow. applause yes, why not. Theyll all be gone, soon. Stephen where in illinois . Rockford, illinois. Stephen lovely, cheap trick is from there. Thats the only thing i know about them. Stephen the Season Finale of dice airs this sunday and at your local library. Well be on showtime. Nosy neighbor with a keen sense of smell. Glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. Only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. Guaranteed. Even the most perceptive noses wont notice the trash. Be happy. Its glad. It all started when sophia found the Perfect Little mug at marshalls. Then piece by piece, surprise by surprise, she built the greatest guest bathroom ever. Did she expect to get so much bang for so few bucks . No. But great things happen when you choose surprise. Depend silhouette briefs feature a comfortable, sleek fit. As a dancer, ive learned you cant have any doubts. Because looking good on stage is one thing. But real confidence comes from feeling good out there. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Hungry eyes one look at you and i cant disguise ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] and im an arborist with ipg e in the sierras. The drought in california has killed trees on a massive scale. Any of those trees that fail into power lines could cause a wildfire or a power outage. Public safety is the main goal of our program. Thats why were out removing these hundreds of thousands of hazard trees. Having tools and Technology Gives us a huge edge to identify hazard trees. My hope is that the work were performing allows that these forests can be sustained and enjoyed by the community in the future. Together, were building a better california. Introducing degree ultracle r black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains. And black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. Oh, its actually. Sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. So we created the only bed that adjusts on both sides to 9 out of 10 couples prefer a different mattress firmness, your ideal comfort, your sleep number setting. You can even see how well youre sleeping and make adjustments. Does your bed do that . The most amazing part is they start at 699. Thats 200 off our queen c2 mattress during our fall sale. Ends soon. Visit sleepnumber. Com for a store near you. Some like a ball and chain dont wanna stray too far some like to fly high they wanna reach the stars some have joined the ranks love the things they once hated pretend theyre still in command but they aint foolin me once that flame dont burn so bright its slow death by candlelight woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me some like to shift the same dont wanna share the cream would hold the poor to blame and never feel guilty once that flame dont burn so bright its slow death by candlelight woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me woo se mama waiting on that corner woo se mama but you dont get me cheers and applause paul weller, everybody well be right back. My name is Cynthia Haynes and i am a senior Public Safety specialist for pg e. My job is to help educate our First Responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies. Everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. I live right here in auburn, i absolutely love this community. Once i moved here i didnt want to live anywhere else. I love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other peoples lives. Together, were building a better california. Throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. Just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh . Hey . I paused it. Bam, family time. So how is everyone . Find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. Late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests stephen thats it for the late show. Will be kerry washington, russell brand, and musical guest st. Vincent. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, Julia Roberts and ben schwartz. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show announcer ladies and gentlemen, give it up for