[ cheers and applause ] welcome back to the only tv show that thinks there are too many shapes of pasta. Five is plenty. Next week, a cheerleader whos brave enough to take a knee. [ audience groans ] [ screaming ] [ valley girl voice ] drama teen girls always make such a big deal out of everything. [ normal voice ] come to my show in vegas, and while youre there, feel free to chisel steve wynns name off anything you see. Dont forget to buy tickets to my tonynominated show in new york city. The baby name of the week is beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice. And finally, its your nascar highlight of the week. [ men making nyoom noises ] [ man screaming ] [ man making zzt noises ] [ men making nyoom noises ] anybody else think that cheater Kevin Harvicks car sounded funny . That joke is for my base. My apologies to the Deaf Community who will not be able to understand that video. Goodnight. [ cheers and applause ] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for coming out. Thank you so much for coming out. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight our guest tonight, was the National Security adviser to president president obama. Here to talk about her new memoir, susan rice is joining us on the show, everybody cheers and applause were going to have a lot of fun. Also on tonights show, the pope is getting horny. Lewis black is here to fix health care. And donald trump is cockblock congress. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with pope francis, leader of the worldwide Catholic Church and president of the tall hat club club. Francis has shaken up the church for years now. He said he disappoint judge gay people. He said your pets will go to heaven. And now hes considering maybe the biggest change yet. Pope francis signaling a possible depasture from a centuriesold tradition in the Catholic Church the requirement of celibacy for priest is open for debate. During mass yesterday, the pope didnt refer to the celibacy issue but warned if we spend our days content that this is the way things have always been done, then the gift vanishes, smothered by the ashes of fear and concern for defending the status quo. Trevor oh the pope is considering getting rid of the celibacy rule for catholic priests. And im going to be honest im happy about this. But it is going to be awe little bit weird when you start seeing your priest on tinder. Yeah. laughter hes going to be there like name of the father, the son. Swipe left, swipe right. Oh, priests having social lives is going to affect their sermons, right . Theyre going to be preaching, we know from genesis that it was just adam and eve, but if there was, say, a zoe in the mix, eve would understand. I also like it. I really like it because i think its cool that the pope is looking to update the church. I think religion should always be updated. If hes interested i have suggestion of my own. Do we need to go to mass . Its 2019, maybe a podcast once a month. Just to mix things up. Also, why is the communion waver so bland. How about a bowl of hummus to go with it opinion body of christ. Tasty. See what im saying. And while were at it, that song. Like, just update the whole thing. Just come out like popepopepope. Were all getting blessed cheers and applause laughter my church will be dope. All right. Lets move on from getting saved to a fine whiskey. But you hate washing tblass. Good news. Forget tide pods. There are now whiskey pods. Glenlivet unveiling their new Capsule Collection saying no ice, no stir, no glass, were redefining how whiskey can be enjoyed. The pod of whiskey is encased in a pod made of seaweed extract. For now, they are not available for purchase in the u. S. Trevor yes, finally, a whiskey you can hand out on halloween. laughter here you go, kids watch wash down that candy with some of this. I get why theyre doing it but doesnt make drinking whiskey less cool. Can you imagine don draper being like, dont worry about the account. I have everything under control. laughter i think, like, whiskey pods make no sense, you know, because whiskey is not about speed. Its about enjoying it, the flavor, the smoke, the conversation that goes with it. You cant condense that into a pod that explodes in your mouth. Youre losing the ambiance. Its like going up to people watching a sunset and g, dont waste your time with that ill just blast this flashlight in your face its the same thing laughter so i dont know, i think whiskey pods are not a good innovation. Im going to get drunk the oldfashioned way, soaking a tampon in whiskey and putting it up my butt. Lets move on to our top story. Impeachment, its how america tells a president , its not me, its you. And right now, a president with great and unmatched wisdom is fighting off an even greater and more unmatchedder scandal. So lets catch up on all the latest updates with our ongoing segment, the fantastic road to impeachment. Probably president ial harassment. Trevor the big news today is that the white house has taken its fight with congress to the next level, officially sending word that is will not participate in any aspect of the impeachment probe. Yeah, which is crazy, like, trump cant just decline to participate. Like, this is not the vietnam war. laughter and this new tactic, this new tactic threw everything for a loop because you see today was meant to be the big day when congress would hear testimony from Gordon Sondland, ambassador to the e. U. , and jeff ross stunt double. But just before the cspan cameras started rolling, the white house pulled the plug. Were following breaking news this morning and its moving qekly, the white house block e. U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland from testifying before Congress Minutes before he was set to appear on capitol hill. He was set to testify behind closed door on the ongoing impeachment of President Trump. Democratic adam schiff calling it strong evidence of obstruction. Trevor Donald Trumps white house blocked an ambassador from testifying in front of congress. I bet trump was scawrd the ambassador would exonerate him too much. Trump is like, i have to maintain my bad boy image if im going to run these streets. laughter so at the president s behelt, sondland pulled out of this impeachment hearing. People hadnt heard of Gordon Sondland. It appears everything trump wanted from ukraine went through him. Theres almost no one who was more involved in pushing the president s priorities in ukraine than Gordon Sondland. Even before President Trump spoke to the president of ukraine, Gordon Sondland, the u. S. Ambassador to the e. U. , had been pushing the ukrainians to commit to investigations mr. Trump wanted. The ambassador to the e. U. , Gordon Sondland, worked behind the scenes to help carry out trumps wishes in ukraine, a country that isnt even in the e. U. Trevor another thats your first red flag right there trumps ambassador to the e. U. Was getting involved with a country that wasnt in the e. U. Thats not his jurisdiction. That would be like santa doing the tooth fairys job. Thats not cool. Because then its just a creepy old man standing over your kids bed. What are you doing . Nothing weird. Im just buying your kids teeth. Now that i am saying it out loud, that sounds weird. And the Reason Congress is so intent on having sondland testify isnt just because he was at the center of the ukraine scandal. Its also because he has Text Messages that show what was going on behind the scenes. Text messages given to Congress Show sondland and another diplomat discussing a possible link on september 9, bill taylor, the top u. S. Diplomat to ukraine texts, i think its crazy to withhold Security Assistance for help with a political campaign. Sondland responds, i believe you are incorrect about President Trumps intention. The president has been Crystal Clear no quid pro quos of any kind. Adding, i suggest we stop the backandforth by text. Taylor texted Gordon Sondland, saying security conditions and white house meetings are conditioned on investigation. Sondlands response, call me. Trevor okay, i i dont know if these guys are guilty or not, but you have to admit, those texts look hela suspicious. The only time you say, stop texting, lets talk on the phone is when something shade segoing down. Its 2019. Nobody talks on the phone. The only reason to talk on the phone is to wish your grandmother a happy birthday or to commit criemedz. Or to commit crimes with your grandmother on her birthday. All right, nana, you tell me who wins at bingo and ill take care of the rest. laughter at the same time, i dont blame sondland for wanting to shut down those texts because do you see whats happening there . The guy he is texting with is being so explicit, i dont think its a good idea to commit this crime. Its like yoyo. He reminds me of the one guy on the Bachelor Party group chat and he said, see you at the cocaine and the hookers. Its like, delete, delete, delete. Now, in response to the stonewalling, the democrats have issued a subpoena to ambassador sondland. But that may take months or long tore wind its way through the courts. In the meantime, congress is also hoping to hear testimony from the whistleblowers. And, remember, there are now two whistleblowers. Theres the first whistleblower who has secretaryhand information and the second whistleblower with firsthand information. And then you have trump, with small hand information. Normally getting testimony from a whistleblower might not be such a big deal. But this time, theyre talking about taking extra precautions to conceal this persons identity. And it could be because the whistleblower is shy, or maybe its because the president has implied they should be executed. I dont know. Either way, democrats are looking at some novel ways to ensure the whistleblowers safety. The House Intelligence Committee is taking extreme measures to protect the whistleblower from a president itching to learn his identity. And this country has to find out who that person was, because that person is a spy, in my opinion. There are growing concerns about the whistleblowers safety. Its still unclear when the whistleblower might talk to lawmakers. But the committee is considering using an offsite location, limiting staff and members who could be present. Possible steps include a remote location for testimony, and perhaps masking the persons face or voice. Trevor wow maskmasks and fake voices just o make sure that trump doesnt know who this person is. Seems a bit extreme. I mean, all they really need to do is disguise the whistleblower as trumps daughter tiffany. And he will be like, who is this person . I have never seen her before in my life. laughter now, i understand why congress is being so careful here. This is serious stuff. I also think at the same time this could be a big opportunity for the democrats. Because, i mean, if youre going to be disguising the whistleblower, why not take this thing one step further and turn it into the tv event of the year. Coming soon, a topsecret, incremental hearing in the impeachment process. Will have everyone asking, who is the masked whistleblower . Sworn testimony that will have Celebrity Panel guesses. Donald trump used the power of the presidency to try and dig up dirt on his political rival. I am so freaking confused right now. I dont know who i am. The president is trying to hide evidence that he engaged in an illicit quid pro quo. Wooo this fall, everyone will be asking, whos behind the mask . The masked whistleblower. Coming soon to congress. cheers and applause . Trevor well be right back. cheers and applause youve got to do it. And lets do. G it. Lets do. Freshly prepared chicken. s full attention like my the delicious kfc 20 fill up. With eight pieces of extra Crispy Chicken and sides, well surely get your kids off their phones. And they may even look at you. Their loving parent. Kfc, its Finger Lickin good. Take prilosec otc and take control of heartburn. So you dont have to stash antacids here. Here. Or, here. Kick your antacid habit with prilosec otc. One pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. Do it even if youre not supplets do. E doing it. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. When a new story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call back in black. cheers and applause everybody hates the American Health care system. Its expensive, its broken, and its the reason i do all my own dental work. You cant tell, but all my teeth are tic tacs. laughter but on top of being awful, were now learning our Health Care System is also disgustingly deceptive. Tonight, millions of americans rush to the emergency room, then slammed with surprise bills. Nearly 65 of hospitals across the country use Emergency Rooms staffed by outside companies. Its a loophole that allows providers to charge patients more because the e. R. S are considered out of network. Liz canon who had insurance and even verified that her hospitals and doctors were in network before the procedure was on the hook for nearly 94,000. A surprise bill for 94,000 thafor that kind of money, i ber come out of surgery as a goddamn transformer. Then i can turn into an ambulance and take myself to the hospital for free and whats all this crap about doctors being out of network . If youre not in my network, then get your finger out of my ass not only are hospitals robbing us blind, the worst part is, theyre making all of these prices up. Even if its not an emergency, we found there can be surprising swings in what a given procedure or test can cost. The cost for an ultrasound of the abandon in dallas ranged from 115 to an estimate of 2,459. From 100 in the bay area, to 2800. And where the price is set can affect your cost, whether insured or not. Anywhere from 100 to 3,000 . Whos setting these price, contestant on the price is right . laughter 3,000, 100 everybodys right guess what . I can make up numbers, too. How about i pay 1, asshole cheers and applause so hospitals and Insurance Companies want to keep prices a secret. But luckily, a surprising hero wants to make a buck, so theyre putting costs out in the open. Groupon, famous for deals on everything from sky diving to concert tickets is now offering patients discounted medical treatment. It could help you avoid the headache of a surprise medical bill. Patients can find 91 mammograms in atlanta, and 54 heart scans in oklahoma city. Chest c. T. Scans can sometimes cost over 1700 depending where you live. At crown valley imaging in l. A. With groupon you paw a flat rate of 299 bucks. So thats where weve gotten to. We have to rely on shitty website for our health care. Boy, thats going to be fun i think im having a heart attack. Hold on, let me see in groupon has a deal. Great, ill get one heart surgery and a yoga class laughter now, obviously, congress should outlaw Surprise Medical Bills. But, obviously, Congress Wont do shit. Thats why i took matters into my own hands and started the lewis black clinic. Are you tired of Surprise Medical Bills . Then come on down to the lewis black clinic. You wont find any surprise bills with me, because at my clinic, everything costs 100, no matter what. Liver transplant, 100 open heart surgery, 100 a candy bar, 100 and that better be in cask you took the wrong hand yes, but we didnt take your savings. Thanks. laughter and at my clinic, youll never be surprised by a diagnosis because ill warn you ahead of time. Bad news youve got herpes. You havent even looked at the test result no, but you just look like a guy with herpes. laughter applause so stop by the lewis black clinic. The only surprise will be if you leave feeling better. laughter cheers and applause Trevor Trevor lewis black, everyone. Well be right back. chee halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. But, boy, are you gonna want it. Introducing the new stuffed cheezit pizza from pizza hut. Youre welcome. [trumpet plays] [gust of wind] [sounds of items hitting phone] [trumpet plays] [thud] [spray of sprinklers] [trumpet plays] introducing new Vicks Vapopatch easy to wear, with soothing vicks vapors for her, for you, for the whole family. New Vicks Vapopatch. Breathe easy. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight has helped shape dipolmacy and Foreign Policy under two u. S. President s, most recently serving as National Security adviser and ambasador to the United Nations under president obama. Her new memoir is called tough love my story of the things worth fighting for. Please welcome susan rice. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the show. Its great to be back. Thanks so much. Trevor it has been a while since i have seen you. The last time you were here on the show i guess was maybe three days before the president ial election. Did you see any of this coming, anything that were living through right now . laughter i kind of did see it coming not what were living through now, but the possibility that trump would get elected, as i write about in the book. Trevor right. But, you know, those times, just think back it was a time before we were all losing our mind on a daily base. It was normal. Trevor right. You know . It was normal. And now, gee whiz or jesus christ, more accurately. Trevor when you look at the white house today, people are saying, things are freaking me out. Is that normal or is this a special time and a strange white house america is experiencing . This is not normal. This is beyond strange. Yes, the white house is an intense place, the jobs are tough, blah, blah, blah. But people are not crazy. laughter and you dont wake up thinking that, oh, my god, tomorrow everything could just literally fall apart. So this its important for americans to understand that this is not normal. Thats part of what i hope people will get out of this book is that, you know, there is a way that National SecurityDecision Making is supposed to be made. Theres a way a responsible white house is supposed to work. Theres a way policy gets made that is actually supposed to be conducted in the interests of the american people, rather than the interests of one man, for his own personal, political, or financial gain. We are in totally were in the twilight zone. Trevor ive been particularly interested about whats happening in the Trump White House. When it comes to leaks. Regardless of whistleblowers, but the leaks. Some people say the leaks are Holding Trump back from being a president , because a white house cannot function effectively if youre leaking every step of what is happening along the way. Do you think the leaks are a good thing . Do you think theyre a bad thing . Do you think people should have Blind Loyalty . How do you think it should work when youre working with a president in the white house . Well, first of all, if you talk to journalists and i have a number of friends who cover the white house theyll tell you that trump is the leaker in chief. Hes the one putting out a lot of this stuff. But whats also so depressing about the Trump White House as somebody whos worked in the white house. These are hard jobs. And, yet, everybody there is stabbing everybody else in the back. Nobody can trust the guy in the office or the woman down the hall not to be screwing them to the press. And that theres this sort of sense of, you know, everybody trying to destroy everybody else. And trump being the one that you dont know if youre going to come into work one day and, you know, halfway through the day he tweets that youre gone. Trevor let me ask you this. Lets talk about, for instance, syria. If you were advising in and around syria, and the military decisions that are being made right now, donald trump has bee its not about i. The whole problem with trump is its all about i. Its not an americafirst Foreign Policy. Its a mefirst Foreign Policy. The United States cheers and applause the United States of america had an understanding with the kurds, which he has honored for two and a half years. And, yes, it began under president obama. We worked with the kurds. They did the fighting, in effect, for us, to take out isis. Now we have turned around because donald trump woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or president erdogan of turkey promised him something and im actually really curious to know what it was in order for him to sell these guys out without consulting anybody on his National Security team. And what is going to happen now is not only will we have broken our word and left these people vulnerable to turkish invasion and these turks want to kill the kurds. I mean, its that simple. But, also, there are some 10,000plus isis fighters, terrorists, who are the kurds have been holding in detention. Trevor as prisoners, yes. And now they have to go defend themselves without the United States against the turks. Do you think theyre going to be paying attention to those prisoners . Or do you think maybe theyre a little bit pissed, and they just might lose the key . Thats 10,000 or more hardcore terrorists who have the United States and europe in their crosshairs that donald trump has just let go. For what . Thats why everybodys so pissed. This is as serious as a heart attack. Trevor wow. When you looked back on everything you have done, everything you achieved, everything you were part of, is there anything you wish you could have done differently . Well, i write in this book how my mother warned me not to go on the sunday shows in 2012 when i went on to talk about benghazi. He literally said, i smell a rat. The rat was not that it was somebody setting me up. Her perception was when youre in a crise and youre the first person to go out and share that information, that information is inevitably going to change, and the message will be assailed, not just the message. And she was right. And i think maybe others of my colleagues perceived that better than i did, too. Trevor wow. But so the lesson, everybody, is listen to your mother. laughter applause trevor whether youre in government or at home, listen to your mother. And thats what i tell my kids trevor thank you so much for coming back to the show. Thank you so much. Trevor tough love is available now. Ambassador susan rice, everybody. Well be right back. Thank you so much. cheers and applause sleep this amazing . Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our liquid has a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep