That was a great one. He was going to interrupt the show to get him some more. Or, b, the more likely scenario, as hollywood has taught us, when a black president interrupts your show a meteor is headed towards the earth. So i start flipping around. Im flipping around, right . Im flipping around. Its clear all the news people know what this is but they cant say it yet. And this goes on for like a half an hour. Its going to be the president addressing the nation from the east room at the white house. We can only speculate on what that might be. What ive learned from government officials, this is the result of an incident that the United States initiated. We think, we think what . What do we think . A c. I. A. Operation. Can i say overseas . Yes, yes, yes. I can say it had something to do with something overseas. Yes. A brave, serious c. I. A. Operation overseas. Jon can i say that it involves a bearded dialysis patient . Can i say its more extremist than a bread box . No . For gods sake, seacrest doesnt draw out an elimination this long. I know the president wanted to break the news himself. But at least couldnt the news let us know that we could all relax. All we knew was the president was going to tell us something about national security. Its like when your mom leaves you that super Early Morning voice mail consisting of, its your mother. Call me. And thats it. You dont know, is it malignant or did the neighbors kid get into brown . You dont have to say exactly what it is. But just go and, by the way, dont worry. But then finally at 11 35 p. M. Eastern justice time, the president of the United States tonight, i can report to the American People and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama Bin Laden. cheers and applause jon you know what . Give him a little musical theater there. Yeah, thats nice. I could do that. A lot of fans here of my less than impressive movie career. Why dont we . cheers and applause there you go. All right. Here we go. As an american, as a new yorker, you felt like the news couldnt get any better and then it did. Today at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in abbottabad pakistan. Jon what . Not only do we kill bin laden, we kill him in abbottabad. It sounds like the name most new yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill bin laden. Abbottabad. Theres no question in my mind. Hey, ill tell you what i would do. You give me a gun, you drop me into beep abbottabad or whatever they call their beep cities over there. Ill give him a shot. Ill go over there. Ill go to beep aabbottabad and shoot him in his abbottabad. I have to tell you a United States raid to get bin laden in abbottabad, new yorkers couldnt be more satisfied. Bin laden has been buried at sea from a u. S. Navy warship. Jon you just threw him off a boat . Shark infested waters . Couldnt we at least have considered carbonite . Put it up in the west wing, do a little wall hanging or something . I suppose i should be expressing some ambivalence. I suppose i should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being and yet, no. I just want details. What look did he give when bin laden realized that the helicopters overhead were not giving traffic and weather updates . Do you think he pulled a kalkin . Maybe he gave a little more dramatic chimp mung. I mean, believe me, he wasnt expecting it. You know, he was living in some upscale pakistani suburb for some time when we got him. You know, this guy is out there preaching suicide bombings and jihad pretending hes gandolf wandering the frontier. On any occasion like this, there will be people who will try and give us perspective. This is not the time. There will be some including al qaeda supporters al qaeda affiliates who will not be happy about this. No doubt are already plotting revenge. As satisfied as we are right now we also realize that this increases the threat to the United States. In the short term, there could be some kind of a reprisal attack. Jon yes. We shouldnt have killed him. Now the terrorists are going to want to attack us. You know what . Even when they do, you know who wont see it, bin laden because we shot out his eyes and now he lives in a pineapple under the sea. cheers and applause i am way too close to this whole episode to be rational about this. In any way, shape or form. Last night was a good night for me and not just for new york or d. C. Or america but for human people. The face of the arab world in americas eyes for too long has been bin laden. Now it is not. Now the face is only the young people in egypt and tunisia and all the middle Eastern Countries around the world as their freedom rises up. Al qaedas opportunity is gone. Al qaedas opportunity is gone. For the last ten years al qaeda had the worlds attention. They apparently wanted an ideology competition. For all of our rights and wrongs and the worlds rights and wrongs, all al qaeda seems to have come up with is all right, we kill some americans. How about killing some british people. Bombing yemen. A shoe bomb doesnt work . How about an underwear bomb . They have nothing. I went on google earth last night. Take a look at the time lapse footage of our southern coast. Not only did we get fully erect but our testicles descended. Were back, baby. Well be right back. Dove men care body wash has hydrating micromoisture for healthier stronger skin. No matter what you put it through. Care makes a man stronger. Cheesy bites with new ranch crust flavor cheesy bites pizza is back and sweeten it up with a hersheys triple chocolate brownie for just 5. 99. Only at pizza hut. I really want a cupcake, but not the calories. Lil sweet sliding down the bannister. Ouuuh lil sweet brought you some sweeeet diet dr peppers. Oh yeaahhh. That is sweet. Diet dr pepper. Its the sweet one. The buttery jack was a huge success. People went crazy for a burger with melted garlic herb butter. Now, heres the sequel. With portobello mushrooms. Boom. Hang on, i dont want anyone to trip. Ok. Oh yeah. Thats jacks new portobello mushroom buttery jack, the sequel to the classic and bacon swiss, topped with the same melted garlic herb butter, plus portobello mushrooms and grilled onions. Spoiler alert its awesome. Get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swifts music videos, interviews, and more. Xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. cheers and applause jon welcome back to the program. Thank you for joining us on this historic day. We have complete coverage of bin ladens death from the best beep news team on television. Were going to start with aasif mandvi who spent the last several years deeply embedded in the lawless border province of waziristan. Aasif, your reaction to the news. cheers and applause well, i guess surprise. You know, just because of that thing where everyone including me thought bin laden had been holedup in a cave here in the worlds most remote mountains. Turns out the son of a bitch was living in the suburbs. Nice suburbs. A Million Dollar mansion in abbottabad. Thats like the greenwich of pakistan. Ive been humping it up the hindu curb puking from altitude sickness and wiping my ass with scorpion husks, osama bin trust fund was living two miles from a golf course. Jon im sorry, aasif. Does abbottabad really have a golf course. It literally does. I could have been on the 14th fairway. beep Osama Bin Laden. Jon samantha bee is actually tonight in abbottabad. Thats right, jon. Aasif is right. Abbottabad is exactly what you wouldnt have expected. A relatively affluent bedroom community. Jon how do the residents that live there, we saw the guy who tweeted the news about whats happening. How are they taking that . They are shocked. Shocked so few westerners had ever heard of this picturesque hamlet famed throughout pakistan for its mild climate and top ranked schools, a well heeled retirement haven for highranking Pakistani Military men but also just an hours drive from the bustling capital of islamabad. Look at this hidden gem, four baths, eight bedrooms, space for all your wives, plenty of room for a pool there right on the left. Jon sam, are you trying to flip his house . A little steam cleaning, patch some of those bullet holes, use a little brainout on the carpet. Jon thank you, sam. Americas allys in the war on terer also tell brating this tonight. John oliver, what is the scene in london . Jon, let me tell you. Absolute jubilation here, jon and understandably so. This weekend those two showed the world what love really is. The balconyy, the crowd, the kiss, the second kiss. My heart hasnt stopped beating 1,000 miles an hour since friday. Jon john, are you really still talking about the Royal Wedding . Of course i am, jon. What else is there to talk about for goodnesss sakes. Jon john, you know Osama Bin Laden was captured and killed. Yeah, yeah, youre right. Much in the same way the Prince William captured the heart of Kate Middleton and then kills the the dreams of every other single english woman. Jon john, john, its over. Out of the news now. I know, jon. 300 million pounds, boom, gone like that. Jon jason jones was partying with new yorkers last night. He appears to be in an airport. Looks a little rough around the edges. Jason, how are you feeling . How are you feeling, jason. I was hammered last night. Not even sure how i got to this airport really. New york knows how to party. cheers and applause you know what im most excited about . I am excited to finally fly pre9 11 style again. Im talking with my nail clippers, my giant shampoo, jon. You know how long ive been waiting to wear my laceup boots, jon . Jon, im bringing my beep machete. Jon jason, i dont think a machete even pre9 11 i dont think a machete was ever cool on a plane. Whatever. Jon its just not. Oh, man. Have airports always been this bright. Jon jason, i dont want to say anything but it looks like last night you might have gotten a face tattoo. Oh, nuts. Man i was so wasted i dont remember what happened to me. I guess ill have to gather up my friends and retrace my steps and piece together this little mystery. Jon didnt that almost exact same thing just happen to you like two years ago . Still a funny premise. Jon thank you, jason. Jason jones. Cheesy bites with new crust flavors flavor pizza huts cheesy bites pizza is back with your choice of 1 of 7 crust flavors, like bbq and ranch. No one has more flavor. Only at pizza hut to love this life is to live it naturally. [moo] they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Its just a summer thing that it was just a summer thing. It takes guts. Double it up this summer. With a hot deal from mcdonalds. The twofifty double combo. A mouthwatering double cheeseburger. And small fries for just twofifty. Its just a summer thing delicious just got doubled. This summer at mcdonalds. Ba da ba ba ba cheers and applause jon welcome back. My guest tonight is a lawyer and the founder and chair of common good. Its best selling book now out in paperwork. The new after word is called the death of common sense, how law is suffocating america. Please welcome back to the program philip k. Howard. Sir, nice to see you, sir. applause thank you for joining us. The book is the death of common sense. Let me ask you, how did it die . Was it shot in the eye . I feel terrible. Youre here on a day when ear all consumed by this. Youll come back again on more reasonable times. This book, i read this book maybe ten years ago, 15 years ago. It really kind of was a stark portrait of how we have maybe legislated ourselves out of efficiency or reality. Right, right. People cant make choices anymore. You cant. You become the governor, you show up and you find that 75 of the budget is precommitted in legal concrete so you cant do anything about it. Even if the case in new york there was this juvenile facility upstate that, where there were no juveniles but it cost 50 million a year to run but the governor cant close it because of a law that says you have to give one years notice whenever theres a unionized employee before closing a facility. So the law books are filled with literally tens of of thousands of pages of requirements. Jon is there anything, you know, how old is this country . 230, somewhere around there. 240. Older than we are. Jon anybody that old is going to have polyps, going to have things that you need to clear out. Is there a process to clear out the things . And are these the things that people would want to clear out . The brush, if you will. Our founders made a mistake. They didnt realize it would be ten times harder to repeal a law than to pass it in the first place. So whats happened is that law has become a oneway racquet. You can add new programs but never subtract them. We have subsidies from the new deal for cotton farmers. Cotton is at an alltime time. They get 3 billion a year in subsidies from american tax payors because of a law passed when they were starving in 1936. Theyre not starving anymore. Theyre actually corporations. Jon to be fair though, their underwear is very comfortable. Is there a process . You have undertaken trying to get this as a process. It feels like we have a partisan system that works on political time and then we have a governing system that tries to work on efficiency but nobody pays any attention to it because were too busy with, you know, birthers and all the political garbage and none of the efficiency garbage. Right. Whether to Fund Planned Parenthood or not. That sort of thing. Thats right. What happens is the people running government are shackled to this huge, rusty 19th century early 20th century legal infrastructure that doesnt allow them to make choices. They cant approve the power line after a year. They have to wait ten years. They cant balance the budget. They cant, well, last week they cant maintain order in the classroom because they cant touch a child so the sevenyearold in queens is arrested by the police and put in handcuffs. I mean really. Its that stupid. Because the teacher doesnt feel like she has the authority to restrain him. Jon its fear on the teachers part based on sort of a litigating society. How do you empower people to have authority when that authority if you stick your neck out there are teams of lawyers and other and rat thaus will be there to chop it off. How do you convince people that its worth snit. You have to change the system. You have to actually give them, give teachers the authority, give the president the authority to approve the power line. You have to pull the law back to where it is supposed to be which is boundaries which Design Authority for people but give them the freedom to take responsibility. It is true in America Today that the most important public choice no one. Its illegal to take responsibility. Jon is it legal to hold people accountable then for their wrong choices some. No, you cant do that either. Jon so we have a system where choices cannot be made and accountability cannot be laid out. That sounds like a perfect system. It is perfect. Jon is it possible to change this . Or are we locked in by a slipup in the founders design to not being able to do this . Well, there is a problem in the founders design, but the way you change it is you make the idea of a basic overhaul to restore responsibility an agenda item. You have to actually create a public dialogue so that there are actually very good political leaders who will run with these issues. I talk to them all the time. I help them write speeches on both sides. Obama will run with many of these issues if he thought that the public would accept the idea of giving government officials more authority and scraping away some of the old subsidies and that sort of thing. But right now its political suicide. There are a bunch of people, governor Mitch Daniels who is a republican of indiana is another one who i think would run with these ideas but we first have to make it popular for them to know that we need to overhaul the system. Jon right. Thats what were trying to do in our campaign. Jon my feeling is, you know, every time, lets say you kill a bin laden you get one week to do whatever you want after that. And then the whole thing is done. It really is an interesting book to read. As this project goes forward i want you to come back and inform us about if its gaining any traction, if it has any efficacy and what were seeing from it because it really does seem like we need a spring cleaning. Startover. Dont. Jon like a midlife crisis for the country. Well get country a convertible. The death of common sense. Its on the book shelves now. Feeling that Late Afternoon energy dip . Dont go on a junk food trip just introduce yourself to chobani flip naturally delicious key lime crumble with White Chocolate and crunchy graham crackers. Its the break, you make summer never looked so good. Bud light lime® same 100 natural lime flavor in a new bottle. Summer on. Happy anniversary to me its safeways anniversary. Happy anniversary to me but youre the one whos gonna save some serious money. Happy anniversary to me right now with your club card usda choice ribeye steak is 7. 99 a pound 32ounce gatorade is 69 cents and select quaker cereal is 1. 49 happy anniversary to me. Safeways huge anniversary sale its just better. cheers and applause jon all right, everybody. That was our show. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00. Tonights program pure id. We will temper it over time. Here it is your moment of zen. Guess what . Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioning sponsored by Comedy Central tonight, what happens when a war hero has to save the country that he loves from a mess. He shall create. Its the Republican National convention. Restoring honor and dignity to the white house. [cheers and applause] [ ] jon hi, everybody. Welcome to the the daily show boom. Im jon stewart. Our second night in st. Paul. Our guest tonight will be former speaker newt begining good morning and its day three of the Republican National convention with the talk of hurricane gustav and Tropical Storm palin theres been very little focus on the real reason where the republicans chose the state of minnesota it hasnt voted republican for since 1992 and why . John oliver has more. Hi, jon. [cheers and applause] the obvious question may not be in any ideology Election Strategy but here in minneapolis airports lindbergh terminal in gate c11 across from the dvd rental kiosk and just passed the snoopee statue. Jon show republicans are here in minnesota for to storm gay sex. Jon the larry craig bathroom. Youre right, jon. Through this entrance the cream of the Republican Party is deciding this countrys future whilst simultaneously gorging themselves on man flesh, human offal and of course the cream of the Republican Party. And jon, remember, remember, jon, these delegates need it. They spend every day of their lives legislating against their true natures but every four years like [bleep] work they get their relief. Jon thank you, john. I believe jason jones has more on bathroom stall three. Though i have a presence in small number four, this week is about transition without ai