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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20120110

shouldn t you guys have gotten these barrels out of the van before we got in? they re really heavy, dee. we ve already had to do it, like, a million times. where d you get the money for this gas? dee, will you shut up and let me continue?! now, frank, when we get back to the bar, you waterboard the (bleep) out of bruce and get a confession. no problem. now, dennis, you take that confession to the police, use your charm and good looks, and get that reward money. done and done. okay, dee, you continue to be useless. charlie and i will use that reward money to pay off our electricity bill. then we ll probably buy some more gasoline cause i feel like that s a great plan. wait. brakes don t. - brakes don t work. - the gas pedal. wiggle the gas pedal. guys, why aren t the brakes working? because i cut the brakes! wild card, bitches! yee-haw! what?! charlie! oh, god! oh, my god! oh, god! - guys, i can t stop this van! - seriously?! - abort! abort! - go! mastersfield steps up to the

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20120109

captioning sponsored by comedy central jon: hi, everybody. welcome to the show. what a wonderful display of enthusiasm. our guest tonight, author elizabeth dowling taylor. [cheering and applause] nice. wow. such hard name to pronounce. obviously tonight we ll be dealing with iowa and our up-to-the-minute coverage of all the [bleeped] you already know. [laughter] look, i reason the first one to express how on serdly overcovered the iowa caucuses are. it s one poll widely unrepresentative of americans. that being said, watching iowans stuff hand-written ballots into repurposeed gift boxes as to neutralize any east coast big city elitist smear, i would like the drizzle all over it like raspberry balsamic vinaigrette. i want to [bleeped] on this, but it s kind of beautiful. the entire iowa process seems like an historical re-enactment abyet shocks you can its simplicity. you re flooded with a bygone era. it s like walking into a house and they ve got a fire going in this weird

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20120106

da da da da da hi, bob! hi, rick! hi, satan. there you are! ugh, not again. you know you can t live without me. now, get that ass back to bed! saddam, i told you, i don t need you anymore. you can t leave me, satan. nobody leaves me. yes, i can! graaa! [ coughs ] oh, you little prick! goodbye forever, saddam! what are you talking about? you can kill me, but i ll be back tomorrow! not this time. i asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in. let me in where? what the hey, what the hell is this place? hello, and welcome! we re glad you made it, brother! who the hell are you? we re just about to do a play about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. come join us! you re here forever! no! no-o-o-o-o-o-o!! captions by vitac www.vitac.com captions paid for by mtv networks january 4, 2012. from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central jon: hi, everybody. welcome to t

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20120105

at least i ll always have her bracelet. what do you think it s worth? it s fake, mon. ( bender screaming ) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org january 4, 2012. from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central jon: hi, everybody. welcome to the show. what a wonderful display of enthusiasm. our guest tonight, author elizabeth dowling taylor. [cheering and applause] nice. wow. such hard name to pronounce. obviously tonight we ll be dealing with iowa and our up-to-the-minute coverage of all the [bleeped] you already know. [laughter] look, i reason the first one to express how on serdly overcovered the iowa caucuses are. it s one poll widely unrepresentative of americans. that being said, watching iowans stuff hand-written ballots into repurposeed gift boxes as to neutralize any east coast big city elitist smear, i would like the drizzle all over it like raspberry ba

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20120105

nice. wow. such hard name to pronounce. obviously tonight we ll be dealing with iowa and our up-to-the-minute coverage of all the [bleeped] you already know. [laughter] look, i reason the first one to express how on serdly overcovered the iowa caucuses are. it s one poll widely unrepresentative of americans. that being said, watching iowans stuff hand-written ballots into repurposeed gift boxes as to neutralize any east coast big city elitist smear, i would like the drizzle all over it like raspberry balsamic vinaigrette. i want to [bleeped] on this, but it s kind of beautiful. the entire iowa process seems like an historical re-enactment abyet shocks you can its simplicity. you re flooded with a bygone era. it s like walking into a house and they ve got a fire going in this weird pit and they re like, what s that. and they re like, it s booed, but it s burning. the fireplace. but where are the gas jets or the remote. i really think the iowa caucuses are one of the few events

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