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COM The Colbert Report October 12, 2013

Heroes. Sean hannity modeled himself on ground beef. laughter i myself, i myself, look to the unshakable confidence of the bill oreilly, the reassuring statesmanship of peter jennings, and the being on tv of bill hemmer. laughter but fox news anchor shepsmith has always been my personal hero, so personal that ive kept it from everyone, including myself. laughter you see, shephas a foolproof internal barometer for when the country needs a break from this kind of washington infighting. So instead, he reports on a daredevil being pushed out of a planed in a coffin, the video of which shep does not have. There we go. Thats the clouds. And in a little while the plane will fly by there, moments away, from my understanding, plane will fly right by, and theyre going to push a guy in a box that looks like a coffin, and he will float, and his parents will be proud. Guy flying through air. Try to imagine. , everyone together, close your eye. Stephen theyre closed, shep. My mind is a blank canvas, ....

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COM The Colbert Report October 11, 2013

Cheers and applause stephen welcome toot report. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you so much. Nation, thank you for joining me in here, out there, all around the world. Mr. And mrs. America. Nation, you know it is day 10 of the government shutdown. You know what day 10. Let me actually just add that to my frequent shutdown punch card here. Right there. Oh, hey i win a free c. D. C. Ebola morningy. All right, thats fantastic. Now, folks, tonight, tonight, there are dramatic new developments in the obamaboehner shutdown debt ceiling Tag Team Death match. There has evidently been some progress in that they have found new things to completely disagree about. All right, that, information, that is the big news. But ive only told it to you so far. I havent ....

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COM The Colbert Report October 11, 2013

Your moment of zen. Let me get this straight youre asking me if its hard to get laid off of a job ive held since 19 fricking 44. Yeah, yeah. Is that what are you asking me. I this that is what i asked you, yeah. Let me ask you a captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome toot report. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you so much. Nation, thank you for joining me in here, out there, all around the world. Mr. And mrs. America. Nation, you know it is day 10 of the government shutdown. You know what day 10. Let me actually just add that to my frequent shutdown punch card here. Right there. Oh, hey i win a free c. D. C. Ebola morningy. All right, thats fantastic. Now, folks, tonight, tonight, there are dramatic new developmen ....

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COM The Colbert Report October 21, 2013

Mr. And mrs. America. Nation, you know it is day 10 of the government shutdown. You know what day 10. Let me actually just add that to my frequent shutdown punch card here. Right there. Oh, hey i win a free c. D. C. Ebola morningy. All right, thats fantastic. Now, folks, tonight, tonight, there are dramatic new developments in the obamaboehner shutdown debt ceiling Tag Team Death match. There has evidently been some progress in that they have found new things to completely disagree about. All right, that, information, that is the big news. But ive only told it to you so far. I havent newsed it at awe. laughter and we all know that is the ultimate show of a tv newsman. You may not then because youre not in the biz, but we in broadcasting tend to model ourselves on our heroes heroes. Sean hannity modeled himself on ground beef. laughter i myself, i myself, look to the unshakable confidence of the bill oreilly, the reassuring statesm ....

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COM The Colbert Report October 22, 2013

Myself. laughter you see, shephas a foolproof internal barometer for when the country needs a break from this kind of washington infighting. So instead, he reports on a daredevil being pushed out of a planed in a coffin, the video of which shep does not have. There we go. Thats the clouds. And in a little while the plane will fly by there, moments away, from my understanding, plane will fly right by, and theyre going to push a guy in a box that looks like a coffin, and he will float, and his parents will be proud. Guy flying through air. Try to imagine. , everyone together, close your eye. Stephen theyre closed, shep. My mind is a blank canvas, paint me a picture of the news. Theres a man in a box trying to disconnect handcuffs he does not have a key. Hes racing feverishly. The gforces are very strong, the flying continues, who, who. I dont know. Oh, here we go. Was that it . Zoom in now. No, that was a breakup in the feed. laughter . Stephen folks i think well all remember where we we ....

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