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COM The Colbert Report March 5, 2013

[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Do a jedi mind bheld these folks. Destroy captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit down, we have to get to the show. [cheers and applause] nation, the dreaded 2 across the board sequestration cuts kicked in last friday. And i say its good. [ laughter ] its time to put the government on a diet. [laughter] and just like a real diet, the best way to lose weight is to take a cheese grater and just shave off 2 everywhere. [laughter] looks good. Looks good. No one is going to recognize you at your high school reunion. [ laughter ] folks, f ....

United States , District Of Columbia , Dan Flynn , Mitch Mcconnell , Kirk Bloodsworth , James Willis , Comedy Central , High School , National Debt , Fair Deal , Jedi Mind Trick , Ben Kenobi , Senate Minority , Senate Minority Leader , Senate Minority Leader Mitch , Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell , Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell , Mount Desert , Mount Desert Island , Desert Island , Two Friends , Police Denial , Research Improving , Heart Disease , Health Health , Health Family ,

COM The Colbert Report March 6, 2013

Im always right. [laughter] you have a [laughter] who is it . Aah that is no way to tell me, doctor. [laughter] whatever happened to doctorpatient confidentiality . Hes using twitter hey, daniel, you got aids. [laughter] semicolon, frowny face. [laughter] will i find you, shove a chainsaw up your [bleep] and turn it on and kill you. Wow they are really mad at lebron. Me . Well, good luck, because a chainsaw is really hard to start. Youre gonna be in my bhole for an hour. [laughter] getting that oilgas ratio, pulling the choke out. Unless you have an electric chainsaw, and thats not gonna kill me. Thats gonna feel great. [laughter] see you next week. Good night. [cheers and applause] [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit do ....

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COM The Colbert Report March 5, 2013

[cheers and applause] jon thats our show. Join us tomorrow at 11 00. Here it is your moment of zen. Do a jedi mind bheld these folks. Destroy captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by med [the colbert report theme music playing] [cheers and appl captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [crowd chanting stephen [[. [cheers and applause] stephen whoo [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. Good to have you with us. Folks, please, sit down, we have to get to the show. [cheers and applause] nation, the dreaded 2 across the board sequestration cuts kicked in last friday. And i say its good. [ laughter ] its time to put the government on a diet. [laughter] and just like a real diet, the best way to lose weight is to take a cheese grater and just shave off 2 everywhere. [laughter] looks good. Looks good. No one is going to recognize you at your high school reunion. [ la ....

United States , District Of Columbia , Dan Flynn , Mitch Mcconnell , Kirk Bloodsworth , Paul Rudd , James Willis , Comedy Central , High School , National Debt , Fair Deal , Jedi Mind Trick , Ben Kenobi , Senate Minority , Senate Minority Leader , Senate Minority Leader Mitch , Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell , Minority Leader Mitch Mcconnell , Mount Desert , Mount Desert Island , Desert Island , Two Friends , Police Denial , Research Improving , Pay Attention , One Man ,