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COM The Colbert Report June 27, 2012

offers happy ending. (laughter) then, my guest writer richard ford is here with his new novel called canada. i m going to ask him what it s aboot. (laughter) there s going to be a spice girls musical! i ll tell you what i want, what i really, really want not that. (laughter) this is the colbert report trchlt. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen: welcome to the report everybody, thank you so much! (audience chanting stephen ) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. right off the bat i want to thank some of you for joining us. (laughter) but only some. because some of you are not welcome at all. of course, i m talking about los illegals which, of course, is spanish for mexican. (laughter) we are powerless against them, folks, thanks to the supreme court yesterday overturning arizona s.b.-1080, arizona s attempt to implement their own immigration policy in opposition to the current federal immigr ....

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COM The Colbert Report February 22, 2012

the federal election commission because i was about to announce my presidential candidacy. (cheers and applause) now not going to happen. others said i was cancelled because i offended the catholic church when i compared the pope s hat to a giant yet stylish prophylactic. (laughter) still, others said, others said i was in rehab, always an attractive option, if they have that for diet coke. and one person, or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabraised off of joan rivers skull, accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. i guess you watch stephen colbert because he s coming back. oh yes. finally, tonight. he left for mysterious reason, at least last week the report came out they are suspending the show indefinitely and we re not saying why. he had a nose job. developed cover stores stories what are some them. i m rested. that is what they always say, i fell asleep on the operating table. you watch stephen is going to ha ....

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COM The Colbert Report February 21, 2012

some people said that my show was cancelled by the federal communications commission at the request of the federal election commission because i was about to announce my presidential candidacy. (cheers and applause) now not going to happen. others said i was cancelled because i offended the catholic church when i compared the pope s hat to a giant yet stylish prophylactic. (laughter) still, others said, others said i was in rehab, always an attractive option, if they have that for diet coke. and one person, or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabraised off of joan rivers skull, accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. i guess you watch stephen colbert because he s coming back. oh yes. finally, tonight. he left for mysterious reason, at least last week the report came out they are suspending the show indefinitely and we re not saying why. he had a nose job. developed cover stores stories what are some them. i m rested. ....

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COM The Colbert Report February 21, 2012

the little inland lakes that dot the parts of stephen: tonight, hi. how you been? (laughter) before we start the broadcast tonight, i just want to address my recent absence from the national conversation. as the hub around which the republic turns, i can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this. (laughter) now i m sure you felt the same way i do when i m in a room with no mirrors. (laughter) and folks, there were some wild rumors about why i was gone. these are actual rumors from the actual internet. some people said that my show was cancelled by the federal communications commission at the request of the federal election commission because i was about to announce my presidential candidacy. (cheers and applause) now not going to happen. others said i was cancelled because i offended the catholic church when i compared the pope s hat to a giant yet stylish prophylactic. (laughter) still, others said, others ....

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COM The Colbert Report February 21, 2012

presidential candidacy. (cheers and applause) now not going to happen. others said i was cancelled because i offended the catholic church when i compared the pope s hat to a giant yet stylish prophylactic. (laughter) still, others said, others said i was in rehab, always an attractive option, if they have that for diet coke. and one person, or whatever part of that original person has not been dermabraised off of joan rivers skull, accused me of taking time off to have plastic surgery. i guess you watch stephen colbert because he s coming back. oh yes. finally, tonight. he left for mysterious reason, at least last week the report came out they are suspending the show indefinitely and we re not saying why. he had a nose job. developed cover stores stories what are some them. i m rested. that is what they always say, i fell asleep on the operating table. you watch stephen is going to have new eyes. wrong, joan. (laughter) (applause) i did not (cheer ....

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