[cheers and applause] jon: that s is our show. here it is your moment of zen. norad is gearing up for the annual santa tracking mission. santa has a couple of m-18 s on its tail. they captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen: whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. yeah, i like it. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen: welcome to tonight s episode of the report, everybody. thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. hi am so glad to be alive. what a time to be in the news biz. i mean between the holidays, come on. events are unfolding all over various places. yesterday fox news s the five held a round table on a houston school administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. and over on cnn jake tapper s lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. so those stories are covered. and you know where things are
[cheers and applause] jon: that s is our show. here it is your moment of zen. norad is gearing up for the annual santa tracking mission. santa has a couple of m-18 s on its tail. they captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen: whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. yeah, i like it. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen: welcome to tonight s episode of the report, everybody. thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. hi am so glad to be alive. what a time to be in the news biz. i mean between the holidays, come on. events are unfolding all over various places. yesterday fox news s the five held a round table on a houston school administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. and over on cnn jake tapper s lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. so those stories are covered. and you know where things are
captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen: whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. yeah, i like it. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen: welcome to tonight s episode of the report, everybody. thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. hi am so glad to be alive. what a time to be in the news biz. i mean between the holidays, come on. events are unfolding all over various places. yesterday fox news s the five held a round table on a houston school administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. and over on cnn jake tapper s lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. so those stories are covered. and you know where things are always happening? washington d.c. where congress only has ten workdays left. so you know there s going to be a flurry of activity as they pack for vacation. because, folks, this congress
housing, food and medical care. stephen: that s right. the government is paying for research chimps to retire to louisiana. because not even psychologically scarred aprils want to live in floor airports want to live in florida. nation (applause) big sunshine state fans tonight. nation, this is great news. because it means congress can agree on a social safety net as long as it s not for human beings. and if they re willing to reward research chimps with curby retirement, i see no reason why we shouldn t just offer the same deal to our elderly. as long as we can use them for medical experiments first. face it, come on, face it. they already swallow whatever pills you put in the tray. and since we won t need chimps for research any more, we can have them do all the things congress refuses to pay people to do. like rebuilding our bridges or paving our highways. i mean it would be so much better because a chimp on a tricycle is funny but a chimp on a steamroller, hilarious. c