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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart March 26, 2014

Virgins. [laughter] first well check in with the situation in eastern europe. Last time we looked Vladmir Putin was insisting russia had no soldiers in crimea, russia had no designs on crimea and russia wasnt that stumped in a crossword clue for six letters former soviet ma peninsula starting with c. Most are under russian control. Armored vehicles slashed through wall walls and troops took over the last remaining Ukrainian Air base. Jon there has to be an entrance. What are you doing . What are you kool aid man, come on be a person. Obviously the kool aid man could be forgiven. Theres no way old san degreea hip sangria hips is getting through there even if there was a door. [ laughter ] this is empire takes back. President boobs akimbo here. [laughter] has finally gotten what he wanted not only annexed crimea but crushed the spirit of the
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COM The Colbert Report March 25, 2014

I have to say, and i dont believe that i of said this before, ladies and gentlemen, i think, i think i think that your song of love is so beautiful you could sing the dark lords power right down. cheers and applause were going to do it tonight. Were doing tonight. Nation, i am back from spring break cheers and applause is i want all of you to know i spent every minute of it working deep undercover at the aruba senor frog to investigate whether theyre socalled bottomless margaritas are in fact bottomless. Well, folks, they are not. Let me tell you, i hit rock bottom. Any way, its good to be back. I return to a pleasant surprise. My studio was not annexed by vladimir putin. Not that it wouldnt be justified. I happen to know that we are russian dressing in our cat food in our refrigerator. More on that later. Now folks, oh, hello there. Give me one second. I just want to enjoy a little tasty slug of tobacco. Hmmmm, hmmmm, please be seated. Now, folks, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. I am detected no ....

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COM The Colbert Report March 29, 2014

Stephen right there. Is this it, is this were welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you for joining us. Steveen, stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Nation cheers and applause thank you so much. Right through the uprights. Thank you. Nation, thank you, please, sit down, everybody. Nation, if you have been watching the news, and i hope you have been, Vladimir Putin takeover of crimea is a sobering reminder that we cannot trust the subans unless they have a scottish accent. And folks, things just went from bad to borscht. We learned that it included taking ukraines combat dolphin, thats right, the dolphins like the ones pec tured here, they were trained by the Ukrainian Navy to attack enemy targets. Stephen yes, these dolphins were trained to defend ukraine. If only their soldiers ....

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KGO Good Morning America March 27, 2014

The dramatic rescue caught on tape. This morning, the construction worker who narrowly escaped death speaks out. What was going through his mind as that wall of flames closed in on him . Oh, no, oh, no. And we do say good morning, america. George wrapping up a Little Spring break for him. The weather is not helping this morning in the search for missing flight 370. New satellite images appear to show hundreds of pieces of debris. Weve known that, but nothing has been found yet and planes have been grounded today because of the weather. David kerley will have an update for us in just a moment. Also this morning, that historic meeting in the vatican city between president obama and the pope. Of course, you and i had the opportunity, the honor, a very humbling honor and there we are meeting pope francis just a few months ago, a beautiful and really quite peaceful experience. It really was. It was his wednesday audience shortly before ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart March 25, 2014

Seems to have shown the worst. A jumbo jet carrying 239 people. Were doing everything we can to get as many detail as possible from the sources around the world. Jon the accurate and humble assessment from cnn until they realized oh, bleep we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill. [ laughter ] bleep it lets go nuts. And they did. With everybody everything in their bag of tricks. Giant floor maps. Big flake airplanes. Little fake airplanes. Holographic airplanes. No airplane detail left unspoken. A plane like this is around 61, 62 meters end to tend. 6162 side to side. Jon you are telling them what a plane looks like . [laughter] did you forget who watches cnn . You could tell 90 of your viewers look out the airport window at the plane they are about to get on. [ laughter ] but, of course [ applause ] theres a saying cnn is popular at airports. [laughter] man does not live by hologram alone. Give me a people are asking about black holes and on and on and on and conspiracy theyre row ....

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