Stephen welcomes Molly Shannon, Thomas Lennon and comedian owen smith. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater is new york city, its stephen colbert. cheers and applause . Stephen hey, everybody. Please sit down, everybody. Sit, sit, sit, sit. You, down, thank you very much. Thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. All week long, all week long President Trump has tried desperately to convince us that he is a stable, steady meeting to the press, met with foreign dignitaries, it was a nice act. But like many men his age he can only keep it up for so long. laughter today, today, today he returned to the same unstable, reactionary president weve all come to know and know. This afternoon he was meeting with lawmakers to discuss immigration policy. Several of these lawmakers suggested lifting restrictions for immigrants from haiti, el salvadore and various african country, trump reportedly said why are we having all these people from [bleep] hole countries come here. Jon wow laughter tz sir, theyre not [bleep] hole country, for one, donald trurp isnt their president. applause tz am i right . I dont know. But the p alternative. He thinks the united staights should instead bring more people from countries like norway. You know what im saying . Nor norwegian people . You kch my drift, people with blond hair who need a lot of sunscreen. You get what i am saying . Im saying im a racist . Are you getting that part . Is this on . But that wasnt the only packet of International Craze ray sauce he squirted out today. In an interview with the the wall street journal he reassured us things are going great with north korea saying, i probably have a very Good Relationship with kim jongun. Probably . That is definitely terrifying. How do you not know if you have a relationship with someone . Im probably married to melania. She certainly is around here a lot. Now at one point donald trump sa driving to drive a wedge between the u. S. And south korea. But assured us that, i know more about wedges than any human being thats lived. Oh sir, you are a wedge. cheers and applause the simplest of tools. laughter but Mechanical Engineering joke is what that is. But it wasnt all foreign wars, he also discussed wars inside the white house. When asked about whether his rift with steve bannon was permanent, trump said, i dont know what the word permanent means. Its true, not even object permanence. Thats why peekaboo is so terrifying, where did mommy go. Shes behind the couch with the laughter trump also created some problems for supporters of the foreign Intelligence Surveillance act. Remember that . They have tapes saying you do remember it. Today congress voted to reauthorize it but it was touch and go for awhile because a Bipartisan Coalition wanted to add an amendment to protect americans were being spied on which is good. I dont want the nsa listening to everything i say. Thats alexas job. But Trump Administration just supported straight reauthorizeation with no changes. Yesterday we got a statement from White House Press secretary and woman standing over a grave swearing the rest of the sorority to secretary resee, Sarah Huckabee sanders saying the Administration Urges the house to preserve the useful role fisa section 702 authority plays in protecting american lives. Because your life is important to them. I mean theyre only halfway through listening to now thats wh through 60. Jon a lot of volumes tz. Stephen that is i a clear statement from the Trump Administration other than donald trump who tweeted has spoke on controversial fisa act today. This is the act that may have been used with the help of the discredited and phoney dossier to so badly sur vail and abuse the Trump Campaign by the Previous Administration and others. laughter i dont know, what does that mean, what . Jon you got it. Stephen are you asking the Previous Administration and others . Just others . Well, that certainly narrows it down. Theyre all spying on me, obama, crooked hillary, big foot. laughter ted cruzs dad. Look, call me crazy, but i am mentally ill. Naturally chean we got huge fans of Mental Illness here tonight. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I cant believe you got through security. Naturally republics in congress freaked out, so two hours later trump acted like two hours hadnt passed. With that being said, i have personally directed the fix to the unmasking process since taking office and todays vote is about Foreign Surveillance of foreign bad guys on foreign land. We need it. Get smart we need to get smart . Youre the only one live tweeting a debate with yourself that youre losing. laughter what are you talking about . What isnt trumps only tool for spreading confusion. Yesterday he held a joint press conference with norwegian Prime Minister and office fun gal erna solberg, the president opened by celebrating an aircraft deal with norway. In november we started delivering the first f52s. And f35 fighter jets. Stephen all right, big sale. The only problem with the u. S. Selling norway these powerful 552s is that aircraft does not actually exist. laughter yeah, that is how good our Stealth Technology has gotten. Were making planes even we cant see. Now the president probably just misspoke or as he calls it, spoke. Although there is a chance he was talking about the f52, a fictional aircraft that feature prominently in the call of duty video gameer jon wow. Stephen could be. Not a good sign if the president wants to use video game weapons. All right, generals, if north korea attacks, we hit them with a turtle shell. Grab the princess and then warp whistle the hell out of there. But norway may need their fleet of f52s soon to counter a serious threat. The American GeneralRobert Mueller told his marines based in norway there is a war coming. A big ass fight. Stephen yes, a big ass fight, a real mother fjording throwdown against some total oslos. Thats kind of a scary statement from an American General. But dont worry, President Trump had a very reassuring ass answer. When will that war come. Maybe he knows something that i dont knee. Stephen a please dont tell me. He might be throwing me a surprise war. No spoilers. laughter but the big moment came when trump was asked if he would be willing to sit down with an interview with Robert Mueller. Again, john, there has been no kollusion between collusion between the Trump Campaign or russians or trump and russians. When they have no collusion and nobody has found any collusion at any level, it seems unlikely that you would even have an interview. Stephen yeah, why would mueller interview trump in an investigation about trump . I mean watch any cop show. Excuse me, sir, the lab found blood stains in your car. I have zero questions. Youre free to go. laughter but the president didnt seem worried about this russia investigation. He barely even mentioned it. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. Can i only say this, there was absolutely no collusion. No collusion. No collusion, Everybody Knows it. Stephen its like the old goebbels quote, if youea lie often enough it becomes true, then again im a nazi so maybe dont take advise from me. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Molly shannon is here when we return, i share my new years confessions. Stick around. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back directv has been rated number one in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like preshaken sodas. Having their seat kicked on an airplane. Being rammed by a shopping cart. Sitting in gum. And walking into a glass door. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, switch to directv and get a 200 reward card. Call 1800directv. Feel the power of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Stephen welcome back, everybody, say i had to jon batiste and stay human right over there, everybody. applause . Stephen you know, of my favorite things to do on this show is confessions. Jon oh yeah. Stephen and with 2018 now, were about to do our first confessions of 2018. Anybody, speaking of the catholic church, anybody catch pope francis new years day address it was so beautiful. He called for global peace and for kindness toward the worlds refugees. And he also urged all of us to dump lifes useless baggage. We want to holy father but hes in office until 2020. Of course you know applause its no secret, as i said, im a catholic. Im a bad kit lick, the most common kind. laughter for instance, i hardly ever get to church on sundays but im going to binge watch all the masses over my next greak. Now what i miss most of all is confession. So if you dont mind i would like to confess to you my audience, you wont tell of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. applause . Stephen standard disclaimer, i dont know if these are technically sins but i do feel bad about them. Okay, i will be right back. Forgive me, audience, at my friends new Years Eve Party i screamed, tonight were going to party like its 1899. Then released farm animals and cholera. laughter . Stephen at our office party, i took my pants off in the elevator. Then pushed all the buttons in the most inexcusablable way possible. laughter . Stephen sometimes, sometimes, audience, i like to pull the fire alarm to drown out the sound of the fires i start. laughter i bought a ton of cute holiday wrapping paper with polar bears on it and now im worried i wont be able to use it before they go extinct. Yeah, i agree, thats why i am confessing it to you. Audience, i got those adult coloring books cuz i thought adult meant they would have naked people in them. I bought a lot of peach crayons. laughter i never launder my towels. I just showered. I believe im cleaning the towel by rubbing it on me to a party and i say i have other plans, my plans are not going to their party. applause plaws when i visit my relatives, i always leave with more iphone chargers than i came with. laughter im going to open a store. There are things in my refrigerator older than my refrigerator. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, i like to spend the day in a comfy bath robe watching ellen, or at least i did before she got the restraining order. laughter forgive me, audience. We forgive you stephen thanks, well be right back with Molly Shannon. applause thit works with smart lights, smart plugs, and over 1,000 other smart home devices. Which is. Just smart. Like instead of always turning on the Garbage Disposal by mistake, just say, hey google, turn on the kitchen lights. Or that moment you realize, oh no, the iron hey google, turn off the bedroom plug. Hey google, make it cooler. But then your wife can say, hey google, make it warmer. Its Google Home Mini and the rest of the google home family. Before we start, i just want to say if anyone still doesnt have fios, please stay out of the way so your lag doesnt get us all killed, ben. Whats so good about fios anyway . Uh. Whats so great about a 100 fiberoptic network that makes your gaming system actually work awesomely . Hey. Did you take out the trash . Haha, garbage boy dad, i already took out ben. Its not funny. Gaming is best on a 100 fiberoptic network. So get fios. Now, just 79. 99 per month with a 2year price guarantee with a 2year agreement. Stephen that song takes me back. I needed it. Jon oh yeah. Stephen hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the late show, you know my first guest from her six seasons on snl and playing many memorable cars including superstar, Mary Katherine gallagher, she now stars on hbos divorce. Long weekend, on vacation. I was thinking something bigger. We could do that meditation safari weve always wanted to do. Im going to dianne. Say something. Great. Stephen please welcome Molly Shannon. applause im excited to be here. applause so cool. Stephen hey, im so glad you are here. Thank you. Stephen i have wanted to talk to you for years im such a big fan of yours for so many years now. Im a big fan of yours im so nervous to be here. Stephen why, you are an old pro. Thanks. Stephen i mean not old pro. I didnt take it that way. Stephen showbiz term, you are are a hand at this. Thank you, its funny though when you havent done Live Television for awhile. I still get really nervous. I forget like how your heart pounds, you forget about that for some reason. Stephen yeah, well now mine is. I had forgotten about it until you told me just now. First of all, i just want to say, i love, i love stupid things for the same of them just being as stupid as you can make them. You and will ferrell did something just wonderfully stupid on new years day. Tell the good people what you two did. Thank you, stephen. Will ferrell and i hosted the rose bowl parades accord and tish and we had so much fun doing it. It was drk dsh it was thrilling. Stephen but and for no other reason like it wasnt in support of some other thing. No. Stephen you arent making a movie with theetion characters, you just where did it come from . It was just for fun. I think. Stephen but you didnt tell the viewers. No. Stephen that it was a joke. No. Stephen and some of them were not happy. Is that right . Yes, i heard about that. Stephen yeah, well i dont know if you have seen this but you got this amazing amazon reviews because w prime, amazon prime, could you watch this right here, if you look at this. Okay. That is how many people liked it. That is how many people hated it. And everybody in between was really confused. I absolutely loved it. Can we do we have a clip of this . Show the people what we are talking about here. Coming now. Dont go crazy, cord. I cant help it it is the mayor of pasadena, carry tornak. Carry tornnabbing. Carry tornabbing. Carry tornak, having a pint of beer with you in the pub later. Carry tounnak two hours, two hours. Stephen i just asked how long you did that. Two hours, stephen. Stephen two hours of that in character. In, ka, it was a little hard. I was like oh, i hope i dont get in trouble or Say Something bad. Stephen can you get in trouble for saying something bad on am glorntion you can do anything there. I dont know. Stephen i will read you one of the reviews. I wish i didnt have to give this any stars. The two hosts needed to be placed in a psych ward some place. I was so disappointed in the coverage. One, because of the hosts and second because they didnt show all the floats. So anyway, much respect for not telling anyone what the hell was going on. Thank you, thank you. Stephen now age then you have done so many characters over the years. Mary katherine gallagher, obviously. Tera rialto, the schwety balls. Sally omalley. Yes. Stephen now you have always done characters . Because i have a suspicion you have because we got this. Yes, that shall. Stephen how old are you. That was when i was probably nine or ten and that is one of my best friends that i grew up this is you right here. Yeah, we would always do characters growing up. And she was the girl who first told me that she could picture me in the movies. We saw this Robert Altman movie called nashville and karen black had a southern accent and she was singing and she said can i picture you being in the movies, we were like huck finn, and tom sawyer i go you could. I could pick picture you in a southern accent in the movies, we would have conversations like that. Stephen where did you grow up. Cleveland, ohio. Stephen did you have a sense of how one would go be in a movie. No, not at all. But my dad was like my momma gypsy rose. He was like, you go in, when are you out in hollywood you go into those talent agents and just tell them hey, hold the phone, i got talent. Like he he had real like old timey advice. Stephen how one of watch was your dads name. Jim sweetest. He was a dapper dresser. And he was irish and he was just like, he took a real interest in people. And he was just the best. I adored him. Stephen now no, this kid who how old were you. I was like ten. Stephen about ten, smoking a camel straight. Yeah. Stephen so kids who like actor kids, kids doing characters like this with cigarettes might be a little bit of a handful and your dad was a single dad. Did you make life hell for him when you were a teenager. He did have a hard time, because he had to take us to school and cook and clean the house and we get worried about getting behind in the cleaning. So he, this is before he got into recovery. He would take speed, went to clean the house. And he used to take. Stephen on a thursday night. Thursday night we just pop a little dexamil because we be so behind in the cleaning and it was a combination of an amphetamine and trang lyzer, a perfect combo. Stephen yin yang. Kind of speedy but calm, so daddy is cleaning. And he would still be cleaning and my sister mary and i would go to bed and the sun would be rising and she would come in my room, she was like daddys still downstairs cleaning slarm and then we went down to the basement and he would be folding laundry with a cigarette in his mouth, a speed freak like, folding laundry. But then the house was Sparkling Clean and he would play jud