laughter donald trump won the presidency, and then i heard a strange noise. It sounded like a scream, like some kind of screaming. What did you do . I crept into the living room. The tv was on. I was so scared. So scared. Msnbc, the anchors, they were crying. They were crying. laughter seriously. You have all that already . What do you need me for . I want to come in there with you. laughter stephen thank you very much. Thank you hey, everybody please, youre very kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. Very nice, very nice group of people. Happy friday, everybody. Doesnt it feel great . cheers and applause getting so close. Getting close to the end of the year. And everybodys working on their resolutions. Mine is for america to knuckle down and make pick our own president next time. cheers and applause donald trump donald trump donald trump continues to deny any russian interference in the 2016 election. Now, the Washington Post published a massive article yesterday, and we learned that in january trumps advisers begged him to accept the findings of the Intelligence Community about russian interference. As one aide remembers, this was part of the normalization process. There was a big effort to get him to be a standard preside laughter if you can get him to accept that russia hacked the election, see if you can get him to accept who won the civil war. laughter i gotta say, he looks good. Jon he looks good. Stephen i dont know. He got a tan somewhere along the line. And nearly a year into his presidency, trump has never convened a cabinetlevel meeting on russian interference or what to do about it though, he and Michael Flynn did get together to shop for thank you cards. Ive got one right here. Thank you for putin me in office. cheers and applause thats nice. Thats very nice. The post article also claims that privately, Vladimir Putin is thrilled. For one, its estimated that the whole plan cost less than 500,000 to execute. That is nothing to him. Putin is reportedly the richest man in the world. He spends more than that on chest wax and nipple sharpeners. laughter , of course, he can kl dont dont dont think thats not true. Of course, there may be a reason trump doesnt care about preserving our democracy. Its that he doesnt know how to vote. See last month in new york, here in the city, we had an election for mayor, and the president voted absentee, but his ballot did not count because he got his own birthday wrong. I cant remember when i was born. I demand that i release my longform birth certificate. I think i was born in kenya. Thats what im hearing. People are telling me. Its got to be. cheers and applause i i got i dont i i i no idea if that has anything to do with that. Now, heres the thing, trump was born on june 14, 1946, but his ballot application lists hissing about the as july. So he made himself a full month younger. Watch out, ladies seriously, watch out. Hes a monster. Dont go near him. Hell grab you. cheers and applause but heres the crazy thing trump isnt the only member of his family who doesnt know how to vote because melania, ivanka, and jareds Mayoral Election votes also did not count because melania incorrectly wrote in her address. Under county, the first lady wrote in u. S. A. Rather than new york. She then failed to sign the inner envelope not to mention what she put on the outer evelope. laughter applause like those notes you get in chinese toys. And ivanka did not mail her ballot until election day. Im sure theyll get it in time, because i dont know how mail works. I made no att as for jared kushner, he failed to even bother to send his in. Its too bad. It might have been his last chance, because they dont let you vote from prison. cheers and applause do that . I dont think they do. But you have to be careful with your binge because netflix had a viral tweet about their own film, writing, to the 53 people whove watched a christmas prince every day for the past 18 days who hurt you . laughter they they thats that is thats funny because they watch everything we do. But i mean, i get it. It would be crazy for someone to watch a christmas prince every day. I mean, how many times do you need to see the story of amber, a careeroriented Young Journalist who travels to the european nation of aldovia and goes undercover as a tutor for the royal familys young daughter, only to find herself falling in love with the misunderstood and sensitive prince who she loves for who he is, unlike that ambitious lady sofia. And, oh, my god, its makeover time and amber looks so gorgeous in her ball gown, but of course shes wearing sneakers underneath because shes still a little bit rock n roll. And finds out shes really a journalist, and she gets caught up in aldovias bitter succession scandal, which is the story of the century. But she cant use the christmas prince to further her career, and its, like, will she choose her job or the christmas prince or can she have it all . cheers and applause my heart is racing. You cant youd have to be crazy to be obsessed with that. But the netflix tweet went viral, so its only a matter of time before other Big Companies start using our information to make fun of us. Pretty soon, well get a tweet from amazon that says, dave johnson of eau claire, wisconsin, just ordered a subpar leaf blower. What a dingus. laughter and this ad from google home hey, brian, we only recorded you and beth having sex once this month. Everything okay . Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jodie foster is here. And we have a special, with mr. Tom hanks. Plus, the premiere of my Christmas Song with run the jewels. Stick around if you could see your cough, youd see all the sickness youre spreading. Robitussin cf max. Nothing lasts longer and treats more symptoms for your cough, cold and flu. elevator bell ringing robitussin cf max severe. Because its never just a cough. But it might be hard to handle like the flame that burns the candle the candle feeds the flame topped steak twisted potatoes at applebees. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. My bladder leakage was making me feel like i couldnt spend time with my grandson. Now depend fitflex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. Go to depend. Com get a coupon and try them for yourself. Hows it going down there . Thats good. Im over it though. laughter thats fine. I miss her more than you anyway. Hey, my window is closing. Yeah thats okay. Alright miles. I love you. phone hangs up yeah i love you too. band playing cheers and applause five decades. Please welcome jodie foster. applause cheers and applause . Coppertone baby . I was at three. Stephen at three years old. I was. Well, i just did the commercial in the 60s and there you know, the advertisement with the little girl im not a billboard. Just in case you were wondering. Stephen all right. Im just the television baby. Stephen just the television baby. Okay, well, could have gotten it. laughter but weve been watching you for, you know, in various forms on various media for 50 years. The movie that a lot of people know you from, best got to know you was silence of the lambs which was made in 1991. Little one stephen because its really scary. I guess it is. I guess so. laughter thats what people say. Rehearsal, i just never wanted to talk to him again. laughter and they had these this glass partition between lecter and clarice. Right. You must have gotten kudos for that, right . I guess so. Character is a full thing its the little sweater, big hair. Stephen i have to write that down, little sweater. laughter so youve been making movies for over 50 years. Do movies still wow you . Youre a director yourself now. Youve been an actor for many years or do you look at the movie and go, i know how they made that. Katharine hepburn said, do you want advice about how to act . And she gave him advice about how to work on camera. Do you do that . Do you work with someone who has never been on camera before and say, this is how you have to do it. I work with people all the time who had never been on camera. I never went to juilliard. I feel like i dont have any credentials as an actress. laughter . Im almost embarrass. Stephen what position do you play . Ah. I try not to play. I do you know, i have a bunch of nerf ball they say throw around. Stephen who is your team . Green bay. Not having a great year. Stephen do you have a relationship to green bay . I think thats a little too personally, actually. laughter i really love the cheeseheads. I like to wear those. Heart. It was in los angeles. Stephen thats fancy. Do you keep it up . I do. I have friends who live there, and my nieces and 97 use live there, so i speak french with them. I mean, theres not much you can do in los angeles speaking french unless you run into french people. Maybe when im playing football all by myself i speaking french . Stephen have you seen translations of your movies into french and gone, thats not what its like at all . I actually dubbed my movies in french most of my life. Stephen you do your own how do you say silence of the lams in french . speaking french . Stephen its not as scary. Sound like a delicious dish. Tonight, we have the silence of the lams. The lamb is very quiet because it is dead. But so delicious. applause weve got to take a little break but well be right back more jodie foster. Stick around, everybody. Nosy neighbor with a keen sense of smell. Glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. 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At tmobile when you holiday twogether, great things come in twos. Like tmobile and netflix. Right now when you get an unlimited family plan, wow tmobile covers your netflix subscription, so you can catch the hottest new movies and shows all year long on us. Amazing and its your last chance to buy any of these hot new Samsung Galaxy phones and get a 2nd one free. Thats one samsung for you and one to gift. Just in time to finish off your list. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. applause . Really long time, hours and hours and hours and hours. So i havent really wanted to add yet another opinion into the mix because i feel like now we really need people need to id love to hear complexity about it. And cheers and applause i feel like theres that says, you know, blacks can vote, and theyre like, oh, well yesterday they couldnt. I dont accept that. I think that theres i think that you have have to have a number of different ways that the culture changes. So if there was, like, a summit where we all got together and shared all of our stories and were able to, in a really complicated way, talk about the dynamics that weve all grown up with, that the things that made us who we are, that made us men, that made us women, i mean, that would be a good thing. Thing. applause . Happen between people and neighborhoods and people coming together and telling both sides of the story. And being able to look somebody in the face and hold their hand, and i think thats whats missing, really, is a the other side of the equation. Stephen right now were hearing some of the truth. I dont know where the reconciliation happens. Yeah, me, too. Stephen what is the road to reconciliation . Because right now it is someone is credibly accused, thankfully the women are believed, and then and presently, the person who is accused of it, for all we know, has just disappeared. Where does the reconciliation happen . When we saw all these beautiful narratives by incredibly articulate actresses, for example. I was just so proud of the women and, you know, really seeing the details of how they processed what had happened to them. And i would love it see the men on the other side. I would love to see how they could process understanding what stephen whats happening right now certainly and the volume is heartening and the speed might be trowlg over a problem again. Right. I mean, there isnt probably a woman in this room, certainly or in the world who doesnt have a metoo story. And probably im just going to go out on a limb here i think mostly what women would like doob wooive just for it to stop. They would just like it to not happen. applause so that they can so that that we can all go on and do things like, you know, win nobel prizes and laugh the episode is about, like a lot of black mirror, all around the theme of technology. This is a motherdaughter story. A mother would like to keep her child safe. She has all of the paranoias that sometimes new parents have, and she would like she finds this device that allows her to figure out a way to keep her child safe, and it may require an implant stephen and she is going right now shes going for it. Stephen and shes going right now to the company to have her child enchipped. You have a recommendation. She will be part of the trial period. Its been tested, right . Of course,. Shes not like a guinea pig. Its tested and safe. This is the fine tuning before the full launch. Look at the kids. Were getting feedback on with which features their customers use most in the real world. Yeah response so far is just incredible, sense of security, peace of mind. I mean, the stories weve been hearing, they are truly inspirational. Okay, then. applause . Hanks. Seriously. Thank you my bladder leakage was making me feel like i couldnt spend time with my grandson. Now depend fitflex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. Go to depend. Com get a coupon and try them for yourself. Go to depend. Com for those who know what theyre really building. Always unstoppable. Fa la la la la with la la. Of h lly, oh when you walk by every night talking sweet and looking fine. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la. Oohh. Im so into you. What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight. Its just a sweet, sweet fantasy bab. Its time for the holidays. Holla back holla hey. Hurry in to old navy get up to 60 off the entire store with sleepwear from seven dollars and sweaters from ten dollars. At old navy. band playing cheers and applause just like that. applause . Stephen yeah . In all honesty, ive done a lot of talk shows with a studio audience and stuff like that. You have got the best studio audience of any show. cheers and applause im glad im glad we had cheers and applause that really got me. Stephen thats a really good movie, and thats the truth. Im throwing a kowtow right now. Its a major truetrue. Of. Stephen you can cry a little bit right now, just let it out, just cry a little bit . At christmastime i was thinking about. laughter all the all the dogs ive had that havent made it to december. cheers and applause i love you, stephen colbert. Another mint . I could use one. Stephen sure, hold on. Oh, great. Got it. Stephen okay, all right. Wow you know what . It smells like christmas in here now, doesnt it . Uhhuh. Stephen okay, bigger hero, jim lovell from apollo 13, ben bradlee the post. Oh, man. Well, i will say because only because on multiple occasions, jim lovell could have burned up into a billion particles during his fiery 250,000mileanhour reentry from outer space into earth, to splashdown into an ocean. I would say that is slightly more badass. Than publishing the pentagon papers. Yeah, risky both sides. Risky both sides. Stephen how about sully or woody . Woody is a pacifist, because there is no gun in that holster. Stephen did sully have a gun . laughter thats the implication of what youre saying. laughter syllables,. Stephen i know how it works. Whats with this dumb box . I thought we were just talking but this bit has worked. cheers and applause i remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. We have a fragrance for that. Glade limited edition fragrances. What throbbing head . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Theres supposed to be three of you. Wheres your brother . Wheres your brother . Hey, wheres charlie . Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance. cheers and applause what do you think . Hey, think ben will like it . Yeah, was i the only one hearing the angelic music . Im serious, i never know what to get him. Sigh. Mrs. Layne, fios is a 100 fiberoptic network. That, plus this sick console, hell be like whaaaaaattt. Your new tech is best on the 100 fiber optic network. So get fios. Now just 79. 99 per month with a 2year price guarantee with a 2year agreement. applause . Can tune out the real world for just a little bit no politics, no enraging news, just family and friends focusing on what really matters, unhinging your jaw and swallowing a Honey Baked Ham like an anaconda. I especially love holiday music, and not just the christmas kind. You might remember that, last year, i celebrated the spooky spirit of halloween with my original novelty song, the halloween wiggle. But, unfortunately, my crass friends, run the jewels, ruined it. Stick my face in the candy bar turn you around like bleep stephen i was mad at those guys and so was hershey. But were all good now. And to prove theres no hard feelings, i invited killer mike and elp back to help me get into the Christmas Spirit with our brand new holiday song, jingle jingle, santa party. So, get ready for familyfriendly cheer. I love snow and i love sleigh bells love singing carols, and boy, i love sleigh bells. Its a jingle jingle santa party. Jingle, jingle santa party christmastime the merriest time of all theres gingerbread andivitiy eggnog, candy canes and yummy yule logs. Christmas has treats up the wazoo, but the best christmas treat is being with you hohowake bleep up. Wake the bleep up. Yeah, yeah, r. T. J.