A real toetapper. In addition, all future Broadway Productions of aladdin will now be known as fiddler on the flying carpet. Finally, we are no longer going to use arabic numerals or algebra, or math of any kind, which is pretty obvious if youd read our tax plan. laughter stephen you thank you very much hey, whats going on, lewis hey, everybody please have a seat. Sit, sit, sit welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, stephen colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, this morning, if you havent seen, Time Magazine has announced their ca david perdue in a momet that inspired a lot of people. It was not blake shelton. No, the person of the year is the Metoo Movement. I agree, i agree. Which means everyone who still subscribes to magazines just learned what a hashtag is. laughter great choice, i think. Really a great choice. Though a movement where Sexual Assault survivors are actually believed shouldnt be on the cover of time. Itul cheers and applause at announcement do you subscribe . Do you subscribe . I dont. The announcement was made on this mornings today show. They do it every year. It always exciting for them. Really a shame matt lauer couldnt be there. I said shame i said shame now it will be a long monologue. Last years winner was donald trump, and this year, he came in behind the Metoo Movement at number two. But thats fine with trump. Hes got a long history of creeping behind women. Trumps got to be annoyed, because a few days ago, he tweeted, Time Magazine called to say that i was probably going to be named man person of the year, like last year, but i would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway yes, i said probably is no good. I also passed on sexiest man alive, best in show, and the j. D. Power award for best midsize sedan. thanks anyway. Enjoy sad applause and it really it really had to be the Metoo Movement, because it seems like every day a new man is being accused of sexual misconduct. But not today. Today its the same man minnesota senator and former minnesota senator, al franken. Franken i know, i know but franken has been accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct, and today, a former congressional aide said that franken tried to forcibly kiss her after a taping of his radio show. She ducked frankens lips and that, as she was leaving the room, franken told her its my right as an entertainer. No, it isnt. Im an entertainer. And i happen to always carry a copy of the bill of rights for entertainers. Lets see what we have here. Check this out here. applause there are some rights. There are some rights we entertainers enjoy. I have the right to ride the rides at disney ahead of children. I skip security at the airport through one of those unmarked doors, you people cant see. And unlimited free stuff from apple. I have a bowl of Wireless Headphones on my kitchen counter. People think theyre mints. Its a choking hazard. Now, franken says, this allegation is categorically not true. But this accusation appears to be the straw that groped the camels back. Now, eight democratic senators. Were up to, i think, nine or 10. 20. At least 30. Stephen do i hear 29 . 30 31 . 31 . 31 sold to make room for the gentleman from alabama. applause huminahumina. The idea is so popular among democrats that al franken is quoted as saying i strongly believe al franken should resign. Oh, wait no, thats me speaking of sexual harassers who should resign tomorrow, donald trump. cheers and applause today, today, trump made a big announcement about the middle east. Stephen yes, he recognized it in a speech, but im still pretty sure he couldnt recognize it on a map. laughter cheers and applause which one is it . Is it the little one . Now, this declaration could inflame the entire region. Jerusalem is a holy city to three world religions, and both palestinians and israelis claim it as their capital. Every inch is disputed. They even had to draw a line down the middle of the sixpiece mcnuggets at the jerusalem mcdonalds. Theyre still fighting over the gaza chicken strip. God ordained honey mustard. Barbecue sauce is a shonda. Part of the conflict is over who controls the sacred sites for both religions at the temple mount, which, like trump, has a golden dome and sparks holy wars. But trump explained why he did it. Stephen why start now . And he managed he managed to get every word in the speech right, except the last one. God bless you. God bless israel. God bless the palestinians, and god bless the united stshh. laughter stephen i am really looking forward to this january 30. Were live when trum addresses a joint session of congress for the shtshh of the union. My fellow americans the stssh of our union is clear. Huminnahuminnahuminna get off cheers and applause freph freph. The capper its capper of cappers, trump then signed the order that will further divide muslims and jews surrounded by christmas trees. Peace talks roasting on an open fire because the move was opposed by france, the u. K. , germany, russia, china, saudi arabia, turkey, syria, and the pope i never thought id say this but donald trump is really bringing the world together laughter and in response, palestinians have declared three days of rage. After that, theyll go back to their normal weeks of seething. But despite the criticism, trump said he was still committed to the mideast peace process. Facilitate a Second Coming of christ. So is this truly . Will recognizing jerusalem as the capital of israel hasten the return of jesus . Not if i have anything to say about it. Stephen god its the lord, everyone give it up hey, everybody, whats up . Happy holidays stephen really . Happy holidays . Yeah, you got to keep it vague. You never know who youre talking to. Could be buddhists out there. What am i supposed to say, merry nothingness . laughter whole united shsst. Stephen god, everybody weve got a great show for you tonight. Ed helms is here. But when we return, ill tell you about the hottest holiday gifts. Dont miss it. Its very good. Weekend deals are back at target this weekend hundreds of deals up to 30 off with cartwheel in the target app. Save big with weekend deals every weekend. I remember the warmth and the wonder. Twinkling lights mixed with the scent of spruce. And now, my chance to relive it all. Magic. Glade limited edition fragrances. Can your phone get loud . Hello moto. Why stay trapped in your ear buds when you can turn it up with alexa . Alexa, blast my music. alexa playing your music. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Smart speaker with amazon alexa available now on the moto z2. And take an extra 25 off this weekend at kohls. Give joy with jammies for the family a cuddl duds throw pillow or a keurig and for a limited time only yes2you members earn Double Points give joy get joy this weekend at kohls. Because everyone likes easy. Sure do. Because everyone is on the go. Because we all like to save energy, p. Shhh. Because sometimes we want it cool at night then toasty in the mornings. Introducing the easy to use, energy saving, adjustable from everywhere, easy on the wallet and the eyes, nest thermostat e. E is for everyone. band playing cheers and applause this time of year, like the one from tiffanys, featuring their trademark tiffany takes on everyday objects, like tiffanys rose gold vermeil crazy straw for 350. Its opaque, so you cant see the liquid going through it, finally answering the question, what if we took a fun thing for kids and made it for adults and not at all fun . And this truly is a crazy straw, because to buy it, youd have to be mentally unbalanced. laughter but for the highend gift giver, there is really no better source than the mother of all Lifestyle Brands the goop holiday gift guide. Gwyneth paltrows onestop shop for highend goopy gift ideas like goop glow, which promises you can drink your way to glowing skin for 55. Pro tip drink it through your gold crazy straw so you cant see that you just paid 55 for tang. laughter goop promises it will reduce the freeradical effects of the sun, pollution, stress, and helps face down oxidative photo goop also promises that these statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration. Yeah, but youll believe whatever they say, because youll have literally drunk the koolaid. Of course, fans know that any goop gift guide would not be complete without their perennial favorite, the goop jade egg. Used by women to increase Sexual Energy and pleasure, this nephrite jade stone helps connect the second chakra the heart and your yoni. Cbs would prefer i not explain what a yoni is, but lets just say theyre taking Stocking Stuffer to a whole new level. laughter now, this is important, this next parts important. Goop cautions, please be sure to follow the instructions included with your egg. Dont just race ahead like you do with ikea furniture, because you cant fix this with an allen wrench. Youll need your plumber allen with a wrench. laughter in fact, theres a whole list of instructions that starts with, one working with a jade egg is more than just putting a stone up your vagina. laughter you know what . You know what . I dont want to know what two is. laughter and dont to worry about retrieval, because the eggs are predrilled for string addon. We recommend using unwaxed dental floss. Its also handy if youve got a piece of popcorn stuck in there. laughter applause you know, its the holiday time, its the holiday time, a lot of people are home from school, and i certainly hope youre watching this with your grandparents right. Hi,nana. The holidays are always stressful, so goop recommends the residential float tank. Get the benefits of flotation therapy in the privacy of your home for a mere 16,500. Cool you can pretend youre waking from hypersleep in an alternate future where it isnt stupid to drop 16 grand on a coffin filled with water. If your loved one enjoys the float tank but feels there isnt enough chance of drowning using it, goop recommends the personal yellow submarine, which allows one to experience a dimension usually reserved for explorers and marine scientists you know, people who have been taught how to operate a submarine. Well, fans of this show know that i, too, have my own highend lifestyle brand covetton house. Baroque simplicity. Shabby elegance. Give me money. Covetton house. laughter introduce our new line of covetton commoners objects, featuring sterling silver reimaginings of items you might find every day in your garbage, like this oneofakind costco receipt. Handspraypainted silver. 68 is what i spent that day at costco. It will cost you 1500 bucks. And for the healthconscious loved one, covetton presents the covetton shine luxury sip sac, the drinkable cleanse that comes with its own sterling plastic straw. Covetton promises it eliminates toxidative isotropes using sciencism. laughter and the f. D. A. Promises to put me in jail if i keep saying that. One use only. Of course, christmas can be stressful, so why not give the gift of relaxation with covettons residential meditation tank. Door, and wait for the deep, permanent relaxation to descend. Plus, if you push it off a dock, it becomes a personal submarine. laughter finally, since goop has cornered the vaginal egg market, we offer the covetton premium sensual is butt stick. Yes. laughter individually selected by my landscaper, the butt stick connects your ninth chakra the butt with this stick. laughter it naturally increases Sexual Energy through its patented spirit splinters. There are no instructions with the butt stick, because working with a butt stick is nothing more than putting a stick in your butt. If you need floss, youre doing it wrong. laughter but if you do get into trouble, you can always call allen. Well be right back with ed helms. cheers and applause twos. Like tmobile and netflix. Right now when you get an unlimited family plan, netflix is included. Ho ho ho tmobile covers your netflix subscription. Best Christmas Gift ever . So you can binge watch all year long. Now youre thinking christmas and now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. And one to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Lackluster lips . Dont think so. Lips lose natural color over time. Chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back to the show. Im so excited because you know my first guest from the hangover movies and the daily show. He now stars with owen wilson in father figures. Please welcome my friend, ed helms applause please welcome ed helms cheers and applause of atlanta. Hot lant, ga, i grew up right in the middle of it. It. Stephen on peach tree street. Almost. Stephen at the varsity. I was born in a fry in a french fry vat at the varsity. Stephen wow, right in the basket, right there. Right there. Stephen and they salted and you gave you back to your mom. Im a southernfried baby. Stephen so weve got the office weve got hangover. But the thing people recognize you for, im sure, they stop you and say, wait a second. Ed helms, youre the voice of captain underpants. Yes. Stephen okay. cheers and applause that is but hold on stephen that really captured you there. That looks like a southernfried baby right there. Stephen it does. Thats not what i get recognized for so much. Stephen really . I dont think i look does it. Stephen ive seen you in your underwear. Thats true is there Democratic Convention . You know whats funny, my friends who have kids stephen their kids dressed up like captain underpants, which is so adorable. But, also, my phone is filling up with pictures of children in their underpants and im not comfortable with that. Stephen no, no. No. So, please, stop sending me these pictures. Stephen exactly. You cant exactly say to the policeman, no, but i am captain underpants. Yeah. Stephen and im admiral handcuffs. Get in the car. You want to send a message, dont send you the photos. No more, thank you. Stephen as i said, we have known each other a long time, get along great, helmscolbert. We had a little we had a little disagreement you and i at can the the daily show. It has to do with this . Yeah, okay. Lets get into this. Lets solve it. Stephen do you want to explain it, or do you . Ill take a stab at it. Our officees were adj occupancy, and they didnt have any indicator if someone was in there or not. Stephen they had a lock. They had a lock, but no sort of vacancy sign. What do you do when you go up to the door. Stephen you knock. No. Stephen you knock that is so wrong. Stephen to see if someone is in there stephen, you check the handle. If its locked, you walk away. Why would you knock . Because then the person has to answer while while poo is coming out of them. Stephen we dont know. We dont know if thats what it is. It could stephen i never did at the daily show. I went to a restaurant. Heres the deal. Heres why you dont do that. Tell me. Stephen because when the jiggle happens back me up. When the jiggle happens, you could go, oh, wait, did i lock the door . Diremember . Is the door lock working . Did you put it all the way shut . Knock doesnt sound anything like the door opening. This sound like door open, and you panic, you pinch off the stream, and you cant start again. No, heres why youre wrong. Stephen guilty, guilty heres why youre wrong. Because when somebody knocks and you have to answer and you say, sorry, im in here. Then they know who you are. And then stephen they think youre kermit if you answer like that. And then you have to go in a meeting with them two minutes later stephen you and know that theyre human and you use the bathroom. But they also they they know that stephen hey, you used the bathroom. They know youre the one who probably just, yeah, left an odor or who knows what . Stephen thats your first problem. I dont leave an odor . You dont. Stephen no, no. Oh, yes you do laughter . It really was just at you. That message was at you. So out of line. Stephen there are other things for us to talk about other than bathroom humor. Again, i hopenana has joined for the evening. You have a choi on Comedy Central coming pup. Its called the fake news with. Ted nelms. Stephen what is that . Well, it is a totally fake news broadcast. Hosted by stephen youre working for cnn now. Youre work for cnn. Im working for tfn, the fake news. Thats our fake sort of network. And it looks just like cnn. It looks just like, you know, fox news, msnbc. We just made it all up. Theres no actual news in it. Stephen so literally every story is made jiewp every single story, and we throw to correspondents and its all stephen is it recognizable . Like things about, like, our president or russia or congress or any its sort of like its sort of like the onion that way. Its sort of sideways of reality, but im in character as ted, in elms stephen and not anything like ed helms. Hes a lot like ed helms, but more like wolf blitzer, maybe. Stephen oh, okay, so terrible at his job. laughter stephen what did i say . I think you say the united shtssh. Stephen you are a proctologist and you dont know who your father is. We think our father died of colon cancer, which is why i became a proctologist in his memory. But it turns out that was all a lie, and we and we just we just find that out at the beginning of the movie. Stephen okay. And whats happening in this clip . Oh, clip. We got the clip. Yeah, so, were just finding it out, actually, from our mother, played by the amazing glenn close. Stephen another jim. I spent my whole life trying to honor my fathers memory. And you have. What memory . I stare at bleep all day long because of a fictional mans colon cancer. Pete, could you pivot into Plastic Surgery or or something less butt related . I mean, youre really smart. I dont see why not. Kyle, how are you not freaking out right now okay, thats not fair you cant tell people how to freak out. I want everybody to calm the light is going quickly. Its the last chance for family photos. Not a good time, annie. Stephen now that was shot in atlanta, right . Yeah. That was shot in my home town. applause guilty g. A. Have ed helms here. Oh stephen hey, you want to go use the bathroom later . laughter . [firewor[ ]xploding] hurry in to old navy get gifting with up to 60 off the entire store. Thats up to 60 off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. Well its a perfe