Congratyoullations. Please shred this card so it cant be used for evidence n and, of course, today youre a woman. Goodbye. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, a whole lot of more. Plus stephen welcomes Saoirse Ronan van jones and Michelle Wolf featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. We are exactly one week one week from the possible election of Alabama Senate candidate and depressing sequel to toy story, roy moore. laughter you do not want him to play woody. laughter he has been accused just a character name has been accused by at least nine women of Sexual Misconduct while they were teenagers, but the president is standing by his man for a simple reason. Forward to fighting alongside the president to maga of course, thats the sound teenage girls make when they see roy moore at the mall, magah laughter now, moore has repeatedly denied the allegations. Evidence of a relationship with roy moore when she was 17 or as roy moore called her, a mature honey. laughter this woman found a note in her scrapbook signed by moore that says, happy graduation, debbie. I wanted to give you this card myself. I know that youll be a success in anything you do. Unless that thing is accusing me of writing you this card. And this woman says she knows that moore was 34 and she was 17 when they dated, because she saw photos of herself in the yearbook and thought thats the age i was when i dated roy moore, because my braces were off. laughter thats right no, thats right right, its very important roy moore would never date someone young enough to wear braces. Hes more of a retainer man. Leave the headgear on. Leave the headgear on. But the campaign is moving full steam ahead, and this morning, roy moore spokesn, porter, had an interesting defense of the candidate. Poppy, we need to make it clear that theres a group of nonaccusers that have not accused the judge of any Sexual Misconduct or anything illegal. Stephen yes, lets be fair. Lets be fair. Its just nine women. What about all the women who havent accused him of Sexual Assault . laughter i mean, everybody cheers and applause yeah, come on. Yes. Yes yes everyone remember, lets not make the same mistake. Everyone was so quick to call Jeffrey Dahmer a serial killer and cannibal, but we forget about all the people he didnt eat. Come on laughter and the madness, the madness of defending him does not stop there. Listen to moores chief strategist, dean young, explain with a camera rolling that even if moore did everything hes accused of, its not his fault. What im okay with is judge moore made it perfectly clear, if he did date a teenager, he didnt know about it. So, i cant tell you how many times ive been on a date and didnt ask a girl how old she was especially after i asked her mama if i could date them. Stephen im from South Carolina and that is why our state motto is, hey, were not alabama. cheers and applause theres limits. What does he mean, roy moore didnt know about it when he dated teenagers . Heres a hint if you have to ask her mama if she can come out and play, shes too young. But not every republican is throwing their support behind moore. G. O. P. Senator jeff flake just tweeted out a photo of a check for 100 to roy moores opponent, doug jones, with a memo line that reads, country wow cheers and applause wow i cant believe that someone still uses checks laughter remind me not to get behind jeff flake at the grocery store. , of course, it hasnt been all defending pedophiles for donald trump. Hes also been assaulting mother nature. Yesterday, he signed an order slashing the size of bears ears and grand staircaseescalante national monuments. Its reasonable that he doesnt cace about them. Theyre Just National monuments. Theyre not confederate monuments. Yes, give it up for the confederacy. Just tricked you into that. Heres trump making his big announcement. National monuments designations of both bears ears and grand staircaseescalante. Stephen so hes opening millions of acres of protected land to strip mining. But on the bright side, escalante is the first time hes ever spoken spanish. laughter if you dont count taco bowl. Now this is and this is true. This is an unprecedented move. Trump cut these parks by two million acres, which is the largest rollback of federal Land Protection in the nations history or it will be until he turns the grand canyon into don jr. s ball pit. laughter now, the decision you know hes peeing in there. Now, the decision isnt popular with everyone. Several native american tribes are suing, in part because its estimated that bears ears alone holds more than 100,000 native american cultural and archaeological sites. You know, if trump goes ahead with this plan, im worried that native americans will stop trusting the federal government. laughter applause and the Outdoor Clothing company, patagonia, changed their home page to a black screen that just says, the president stole your land. cheers and applause thats strong. Thats bold. laughter well, today, the International Olympic committee announced the punishment, and buckle your borscht, because russia is banned from participating in the 2018 winter olympics. cheers and applause i i i agree. Its time to do something. But that is shocking russia was punished for interfering with the results of something . Not only is russia banned, but the countrys government officials are forbidden to attend, its flag will not be displayed at the opening ceremony, and its anthem will not sound. Also, for the duration of the games, any russian dressing served in Olympic Village will be referred to as cheater sauce. laughter i could go for some. Like a hamburger with some cheater sauce on that. But the i. O. C. Wont bar all russians. Any athletes who can prove they never doped will be allowed to compete as individuals wearing a neutral uniform, but the forever show that russia won zero medals. Well, what happens if one of the nationless athletes wins gold . Do they just stand on the podium staring at nothing while we listen to two and a half minutes of whatevers on the radio laughter i hope so. Because id love to see a speed skater tear up to my sharona. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Saoirse Ronan is here. But when we return, stupid Paul Manafort tricks. Stick around. This just in from washington d. C. , the 21st amendment of the United States constitution has been repealed. Setting prohibition back into immediate effect. Sale, distribution, and possession of alcohol what, are you serious . I just got a text from this as well. Sources confirm that agents are headed to bars, to the liquor stores, and will even proceed to enter american homes. Weve got to start this immediately, go ahead and pull the drinks off the bar. Is this real . Uh yeah, it is, unfortunately. Sir no, no, sir this concludes our special report. Im just trying to do my job. Well youre not doing a very good job. crowd chanting we want beer if everyone could just calm down. crowd chanting we want beer good evening again, america. I have some good news. Look. Hey its the bud man this buds for you. crowd chanting u. S. A, u. S. A. squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody squeak the melody we bring your family amazing value every day. T. J. Maxx. Marshalls. Homegoods. Family is the greatest gift. Give joy with a Brilliant Diamond bracelet a diamond ring. Or a sprakling diamond necklace and earring set give joy, get joy this weekend at kohls. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human right there. Give it up for the band jon. Jon hey whats happening . Stephen jon, you know what im excited about . Jon whats that. Stephen ive got this book right here. Ive got Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. And im excited about im not the only one, because its just come out that esquire magazine in their list of the top books of 2017 has declared that Stephen Colberts midnight confessions is one of the best books of this year cheers and applause yeah. Right there best. Book cheers and applause boom ive got to fan myself. Oh, my lord. Right now. Go by buythis for your loved ones. Everyone is going to want this husbands, wives, grandchildren, grandparents, cousins, people you have never met, people on the street. Buy them. Hand them out like gideon bibles. This is christmas, this is hanukkah, this is kwanzaa, this is for next year years ramay this right now. Its one of the best books of 2017. Its not one of the best books of 2018. So if you buy it now, youre cool. If you buy it next year theyll be like, why are you buying that 2017 thing . Anyway, congratulations. Congratulations to everyone involved. applause you know, information, the investigation by f. B. I. Director Robert Mueller into the Trump Campaign conditions. There are still so many Unanswered Questions who will be indicted next . Whos secretly cooperating with the investigation . How many walnuts is mueller storing in his cheeks for winter . Well, this week, the mueller squad dropped a couple bombshells about former Trump Campaign manager and man flirting with his phone, Paul Manafort. Manaforts under house arrest right now, after being indicted for lying about millions in payments from foreign governments, dodging u. S. Taxes, and conspiracy against the United States. It is a damning list of serious charges that can only be described as former Trump Campaign manager. laughter with all of those charges against him, manafort really needs to lay low, especially since he is under specific court order to refrain from making statements to the media or in public settings. Paul manafort wants the court to relax the conditions of his house arrest, but, unfortunately for Paul Manafort, Paul Manafort is an idiot because we just learned that as late as last week, Paul Manafort and a colleague were ghostwriting an editorial about Paul Manaforts political work in ukraine. And his associate to ghostwrite the oped to appear under someone elses name. Something totally unrecognizable cliek pauline womanfort. Of course, of course, the main thing manafort needs to do is distance himself from any connections to russia. So, naturally, his collaborator was a longtime russian colleague, who is currently based in russia and has ties to a russian intelligence service. laughter manafort is so tied to russia, hes going to get banned from the olympics. laughter applause mamamy sharona this just makes me wonder if there are other articles manafort could have been ghostwriting. Because just today i dont know if you saw this i took a buzzfeed quiz which game of thrones character are you that thinks Paul Manafort is innocent . Well be right back with Saoirse Ronan, everybody hurry in to old navy get gifting with up to 60 off the entire store. Thats up to 60 off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. I remember the warmth and the wonder. 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Try cool mint zantac. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my first guest from movies like atonement and brooklyn. She now stars in one of the best movies ive ever seen lady bird. Darlene, can you excuse us . Darlene, stay. Why arent you in algebra two. I switched sections. Why . Arent jenna and kyle enough . Im sorry that youre jealous. Jenna is a moron, you know. Shes not, shes in a. P. Calculus. How do you assign the role by the way. You just never showed up to claim it. What role . The tempest. There is no role of the tempest. Its a madeup thing so we all can cap particip youre the center of attention, you can. Yeah, well you know your mom bleep are fake, totally fake. She made one bad decision at 19. Two bad decision please welcome Saoirse Ronan. applause entire plot of the movie and it wouldnt affect peoples experience because in some movies youre waiting for the explosion or the big event. Exactly. Its not overly dramatic at all. Stephen the big event of this movie is every moment in the movie. Peoples lives honestly told. Yeah, i keep describing it as sort of like a photo album, and every moment that greta has chosen to, like, show and spend time with is so considered and well thought out, and shes just shes done such a brilliant job. Like, thats her first film. Its her first film and, you know, its amazing to be a part of the whole stephen that almost makes me angry that its her first film. I gln its extraordinary. The paces she has. You would think a firsttime director would be a little nervous and rush moments. Also, i dont understand for firsttime directors as well, for some of them, theyre finding their feet and figuring want to be. And i think because greta was involved in francis hahn, and things like, that shes found her style already even before she took to directing and stuff. Stephen and, also, this is in some ways her story. Yeah. Stephen you know, this is in essence. Stephen in essence her story. But not yours, okay. Youre not from sacramento, california. Im not. Im actually not. If you thought i was, you were wrong. laughter . Sacramento accent, i never realized before and i dont know if you stephen i have been to sacramento. I am aware of how boring it. Sacramento is a beautiful place. Stephen very beautiful but theres not a lot to do. But very pretty and we like it, and greta loves it, and thats the main thing. There are actually certain sounds she would pick up on, like the way i would with an irish accent, and she would really hone in on that. He would be like, no, no, you have to say it like this. And it became quite specific. I find with capitol hillian accents in general because theyre in the sun and super laid back, they dont my accent we probably talked about in the last time my accent is so sort of like errr and its out there and very melodic and sort of like, like me i feel like wit with the califon s. Stephen i never had a girl come up and say, like me. But the stephen theres i bounce to it. And i think with a californian accent its more laid back. I fount that difficult. Stephen your scenes with laurie metcalf, theyre actively, and if she does not win best supporting actress, she is not only fantastic but supporting the emotional Playing Field that youre on. Yeah. Stephen i mean tstarts off with the two of you like, sleeping in the same bed. Yeah. Stephen and then immediately in conflict. Yeah, and its what you were saying that moment to moment, every every piece in this movie and every scene or every shot that we see or every interaction, it is just like inviting us into this world more and more. So, like, one of the very first scenes between laurie and me self were in a car, and were listening to the grapes of wrath and weve gotten to the end of it and were crying and stephen and the next minute you are throwing yourself out of the car while its moving. Yeah, yeah. Stephen yes. They dont get it yet because they havent seen it but its actually a really good seen scooep. Yeah, there are all these wonderful intricacies within the relationship. Stephen stephen im not the only whon likes it. If dethroned toy story 2 as the best movie ever on rotten tomatoes. Its 100 on rotten tomatoes. I didnt know we beat toy story 2. Stephen they had it coming. I feel a bit guilty about it. Stephen really . Yeah. We were talking about that backstage how toy story has stood the test of time. Stephen yeah, sure. So hopefully lady bird will as well. Stephen yeah, yeah. I think it will. Because, again, its just about how people relate to each other. Yeah. Stephen now, that collicism is a big part of this movie did we talk about it the last time we were here . I dont think we stephen were you raised catholic . I was raised catholic, yes. And its a much more sort of cultural thing in ireland there are, obviously, very religious catholics as well. I went to a Catholic School and made confirmation and first communion stephen this movie you ate unconserated communion crackers. There is no way you would get away with that in ireland. Stephen its bread. Its against the rules. Stephen its definitely against the rules. God will be looking down on you judging you, Stephen Stephen that accent put a chill down my back just now. Youre like a char