And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 797. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy come on. Thats what you want right there. That is a hot crowd right there. Thats what you want. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to the tonight show. This is it. Youre here. [ cheers and applause ] im so happy youre here. I want to wish everyone a happy 2018. Happy new year. [ cheers ] a lot of people are making new years resolutions. Some people are losing weight, while the president s losing his mind. [ laughter and applause ] you must have heard about this, after his Mental Health was questioned in a new book, President Trump went on twitter and said that hes a very stable genius. [ laughter ] trump said it was an accident. He was trying to edit his okcupid bio. [ laughter and applause ] thats right. Trump tweeted that hes a a genius, and he said, in fact, thats what the j in donald j. Trump stands for. Donald jenius trump. [ laughter and applause ] this was all started by this new book about the white house called fire and fury. At first, trump didnt care because he thought fire and fury was just a new flavor of doritos. [ laughter ] i love it. A lot of weird stuff in there. For instance, it says that trump insists on stripping his own sheets. [ laughter ] he said one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could [ applause ] good night. Tuck me in. Well, this wasnt any huge surprise. This book says that donald and melania have separate bedrooms. Yep, trump sleeps in the white house master bedroom, while melania sleeps in new york city. [ laughter and applause ] steve heyoh jimmy yesterday, trump aide Stephen Miller went on cnn to defend the president. Everyones talking about how jake tapper cut him off. But i noticed he had a very interesting way of saying the word, dynasty. Check this out. The reality is that the president is a political genius who took down the bush dynasty, who took down the clinton dynasty. [ laughter ] jimmy my favorite show is duck dinasty. [ laughter ] somewhere trump was like, what an idiot. [ laughter and applause ] over the weekend, eric trump celebrated his 34th birthday at a mexican restaurant, and he and don jr. Wore sombreros. Which backfired when their dad had them deported. [ laughter and applause ] you just hate steve you never know, yeah. Just one mistake. Jimmy hey, the Golden Globes were last night and seth meyers did a great job hosting, didnt he . [ cheers and applause ] he was very funny. But everybodys talking about the big speech oprah made. And a lot of people are saying that maybe she should run for president. [ cheers and applause ] itll be weird at her state of the union when Congress Keeps checking under their seats for a free car. [ laughter ] you get a car, and you get a a car, and you get a car [ cheers and applause ] but this could be a big story. In fact, two of oprahs Close Friends said that shes thinking about running in 2020. While two of trumps Close Friends said, please dont refer to us as trumps Close Friends. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, you guys, this is going viral. The u. S. Figure skating championships were last week and jimmy ma chose a pretty interesting song for his performance. Watch this. Fire up that loud another round of shots turn down for what [ cheers and applause ] turn down for what okay. I like it. Turn down for what. Was he talking about shots . [ laughter ] jimmy so if you want to know who the bad boy of figure skating is [ light laughter ] its still not that guy, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] even Tonya Harding was like, come on, show some respect for the sport. We have a great show for tonight. Give it up for the roots, everybody [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yes. The roots right there, ladies and gentlemen guys, it is monday. Were so excited to be back. We have a huge week of shows ahead. Hugh grant will be here, greta gerwig, saoirse ronan, sam rockwell will be joining us. Steve wow. [ cheers and appla] jimmy plus performances from a ap ferg and camila cabello. [ cheers and applause ] but first we have a great show. We love this woman. The star of the new movie, proud mary, taraji p. Henson is here. [ cheers and applause ] she is fantastic. Great movie. Plus, from saturday night live, michael che is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] new cohead writer. Hes a good dude. Steve love michael che. Jimmy taraji, michael, the roots, and i are squaring off in a new game weve been playing around the office. Its called quiplash. And its really, really fun. And so were gonna see how how we do well. Tariq, good luck. [ laughter ] and we got great music from sofi tukker, everybody right there. Steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy theyre great its good to be back. You have a good break . Steve i had fantastic break. Jimmy yeah, i went to i took the kids skiing, went to utah. Steve oh, great. Jimmy i did a lot of pizza slicing. Steve love it. [ light laughter ] jimmy smoked a bologna. Steve in front of the kids . [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] i got a tube of bologna, and i smoked it. [ laughter ] steve i thought you meant something else. Okay, never mind. Jimmy what . I got a smoker. So i went to like a [ laughter ] steve this is a family show. Jimmy have you ever smoked a bologna . Steve in college, maybe. [ laughter ] not like, you know, no big thing, right . Jimmy i put like a glaze on it. Because i read about this thing on the internet or something, i dont know how i ended up you know, those worm holes. Next thing you know [ laughter ] steve smoke a bologna, man. Jimmy i may have googled smoking bologna. Steve oh, my god. Jimmy sorry, sorry. Anyway, i found a glaze. I put a slice in it. I made a maple not maple, brown sugar glaze with, like, soy sauce. Went fullon gourmet bologna. [ light laughter ] wait until you see this picture. Steve ooh. [ audience oohs ] talking about right there. Steve wow. [ applause ] its like a ham. Jimmy yeah. Steve id eat that. Jimmy you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words . Well, its also worth one meme. Ill show you what im talking about right now. Its time for this week in memes. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] this week in memes this week in memes yeah jimmy first up, take a look at this photo of donald trump. [ light laughter ] this meme is called, when you dont get that afternoon nap. [ laughter and applause ] cranky. Next is a photo of queen elizabeth. Her meme says, when the wedding is open bar. [ laughter and applause ] heres a photo of oprahs partner, stedman, from last nights Golden Globes. [ light laughter ] his meme says, when you just realized youre going to be first lady. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] steve wow. Jimmy next we have a photo of vladimir putin. His meme says, when the dj announces your name at your sweet 16. [ laughter and applause ] next is a photo of angela merkel. Her meme is called, when you dont know how to raise the roof, so you push the wall. [ laughter and applause ] next is a photo of willem dafoe at the Golden Globes. [ laughter ] his meme says, when you see your ex has gained 30 pounds. [ laughter ] steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how you doing . Steve smoke that bologna. Jimmy next up, heres a a photo of prince harry. His meme says, when you hear, omg, was that ed sheeran . [ laughter and applause ] next up, heres argentinian coach eduardo berizzo. His meme says, when you get a a good soccer idea. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, heres a photo of kim jongun. His meme says, ermagherd, im a dertercterv. [ laughter ] that was this week in memes. We are playing quiplash after the break. Stick around, everybody [ cheers and applause [bees bees by simon and garfunkel ] bees bees the volkswagen atlas. With easyaccess 3rd row. Lifes as big as you make it. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for forty bucks each. With netflix included. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. Lets rock this joint it all comes down to this. The energizer bunny™ gets the snap hes still going [crowd cheering] nothing outlasts energizer® ultimate lithium™. No i dont want there to be white marks. Nothing theres no dust, theres no marks. Oh my god, its dove no white marks. On a 100 colors dove invisible dry spray, awarded best of beauty by allure. Ok, so with the awardwinning our customers have 24 7 access, they can even pay their bill beep bill has joined the call. Hey bill, were just phone hi guys, bill here. Do we have julia on the line too . k, well well just phone hey sorry. I had you muted. Well yea lets just phone so what i was thinking ok well well phone yeah lets just go ahead phone oh alright the awardwinning geico app. Download it today. This is our town. These are our neighborhoods. And we love this place as much as you do. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the tonight show, everybody tariq and i are about to face off in a new game called quiplash. Weve been playing it around the office. First were going to need a few more players. [ drum roll ] and we found some good ones. She stars in the new movie, proud mary, which is in theaters on friday. Please welcome taraji p. Henson [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my goodness oh, i love you. Hi. Jimmy also, from saturday night live, its michael che, everybody right there. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy nice to see you. Now, heres how the game works. On our phones, were each going to get a couple of fillinthebank style prompts. Like, a good name fosi bar for pirates is blank. Then we each secretly type in the funniest answer that we can think of. And when were done, two answers will go headtohead on the big screen. And the other players, along with the roots, will vote on which one they think is funnier. But you dont know whose answer is whose until after you vote. Okay, lets all take our seats and grab our phones. Here we go. And lets start this game up. Lets go. Quiplash lets do it. [ cheers and applause ] sit back and relax. Jimmy yeah. And its hosted by like a a virtual host. Thats him right there. Its time for quiplash with your host josh schmitty schmitstinstein. Thats you, isnt it . Jimmy thats not me. Thats not me. Thats a real thing. Thats a guy, there. Jimmy its how the game is played. All right. Here we go. All right, were all in. I dont want to jinx it, but i feel like were really gonna change some lives here today. Jimmy i got bangs. I dont like my image. I want to change it. Jimmy i know. I got a time for round one. Jimmy all right. Round one, here we go. The more folks who chose your answer, the more points you get. Go. Jimmy all right, what do we oh. You got a good one . Uhhuh. Jimmy i dont. I sent mine in [ cheers and applause ] oh, oh i think its really good. Vote for me. Jimmy im in, im in youre in . Jimmy oh, wait, youre not in. Im in jimmy oh, yeah, you are. Wait answer jimmy you have to answer you have another question oh, i have another jimmy youve got two questions. Oh, shoot [ laughter ] jimmy youve got to be funny twice. Oh, [ bleep ], i spelled things wrong shoot. [ laughter ] jimmy unbel [ cheers ] lets see whats won. Number one on the list jimmy all right, here we go. A new name for bananas. Jimmy a new name for bananas. Monkey fruit or nannies. I win jimmy youre cant say it was yours. Oh, i cant . Jimmy no. Oh. Jimmy i think nannies is really funny. No. No me jimmy yes crushed on that one, man. Thats terrible jimmy that wasnt even that funny. That wasnt even that funny. Nannies. Next prompt nannies. The worst curse, every full moon you turn into blank. [ light laughter ] time to vote. Who do i vote for . One of those is really good. Jimmy oh its a tie. A tie. Jimmy all right. Up next, the title of a a drama clearly gunning to win an oscar. Jimmy i cry a lot. Vote now. [ laughter ] jimmy come on. Come on, man. Thats cheap. Thats cheap. Thats a cheap laugh. The musical. Jimmy ive got to vote for it. Yeah, i gotta vote [ talking over each other ] all right. A boner [ cheers ] bang, bang that was perfect. Jimmy you got quiplashed tariq, well done, man. You know what that means. You know what that means. We need more women on this panel. [ cheers ] vacation idea, going to visit the museum of blank. I didnt i didnt answer. Okay, vote. [ light laughter ] jimmy really . Really . Natural booty [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. Che, nice job. Im voting for you, che, because i want to be on snl again. Thats all for round one. Heres the scoreboard. Jimmy thats yours. Whos in the lead, now no, thats only round one. Were going to play two rounds. Theres more . Jimmy whos in the lead right now . Not me. Jimmy oh get on my level. Get on my level. Lets go. This is not good. Jimmy get on my level . Round two is pulling into the station jimmy all right, round two. Worth double the points. With double the points and bonuses. Double, double. Okay, i have to put my funny cap on. Jimmy yeah, i know, exactly. All right. Here we go, ready . [ light laughter ] jimmy uh i think im going to win this one. Jimmy no, im going to lose this one. [ light laughter ] all right. That was so stupid, but i tried. Theres no way i dont win all of these. [ light laughter ] this is so unfair, because che really is a comedic writer. Jimmy well, exactly. Our first prompt is, the worst office has a view of blank . Okay. Voting time. Pick your favorite. Jimmy an outhouse with no walls. [ light laughter ] one of those is mine. Jimmy i know which one is yours, come on. Enough of the natural booty. All right, we get it. [ talking over each other ] jimmy exactly. We get it. [ talking over each other ] jimmy youre so good. I did not know im in the house. That was me. Moving on, a terrible drill sergeant would be constantly yelling blank. Its voting time please. Oh, i got to vote. What happened . I went to google. Oh. Jimmy jimmy whats up, man . Aw, man. Jimmy yo youre getting close now, man. All right. Okay, next one. A forgotten book in the classic harry potter series, harry potter and the blank. Ready, set, vote. [ laughter ] jimmy come on. Enough with the boners. Yo, che enough with the im not doing it enough with the boners and the booties its cheap shots. Jimmy its cheap im not doing it, man. We all know sex sells, its horrible oh, cmon, man. Thats good. Use your brain, not your boner thats perfect comedy. [ light laughter ] jimmy roots, dont vote come on. Its irony. Jimmy i know, i know. [ light laughter ] its a call back. Its a lot of comedy things. Oh, no thats amazing. Jimmy i did you, i got next one, a terrible name for a street drug. [ laughter ] not with you one of those is mine [ laughter ] jimmy one of those is mine. One is those is mine. Jimmy oh, che got this. Oh hey jimmy thats what im talking about. A little respect, right there. We got your message already. Natural booty, okay. Okay, lets check those final scores. Jimmy lets hear the its gonna be tight. This is gonna be close. Come on. [ drum roll ] yeah [ cheers and applause ] yes yes yeah thats how you do it, right there. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to taraji, michael che, tariq trotter, and the roots. The break. Stick around, everybody. Taraji, it was close. [ cheers and applause ] wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena at at t, buy one iphone 8 and get one on us. Thats one for you, and one for. Your bbf your backup singer. Your frenemy your boo your roomie so one phone for you and one phone for someone in your squad. Buy an iphone 8 and get a second iphone 8 on us when you have directv. Dad promised he would teach me how to surf on our trip. When you book a flight then add a hotel you can save. 3 waves later, i think it was the other way around. Everything you need to go. Expedia. You for four years. You named it brad. You loved brad. And then you totaled him. You two had been through everything together. Two boyfriends, three jobs. Youre like nothing can replace brad. Then Liberty Mutual calls. And you break into your happy dance. If you sign up for better car replacement™, well pay for a car thats a model year newer with 15,000 fewer miles than your old one. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Lips lose natural color lackluster lips . Dont think so. Over time. Chapstick total hydration moisture tint. Our 100 natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. Chapstick. Put your lips first. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest is an Academy Award nominated and en proud mary, which hits theaters this friday. Please welcome the very talented, the lovely taraji p. Henson [ cheers and applause ] yes [ unintelligible ] jimmy thank you for coming back to the show. Thanks for having me back. Jimmy i love having you, please. And thank you for playing the game. I know you always are fun. Congrats on everything. How was your holidays . Everything good . Everything was good. Jimmy yeah. I did not have the assistance of my mom or my little sister, so it took me three days to cook. [ light laughter ] jimmy three days . Three days. Jimmy really . Whatd you make . Everything. I made turkey. I made my grandmothers special barbecue chicken. I made jimmy did you smoke a a bologna . Cause i did. Im not that good. You smoked a bologna . Jimmy oh, yes. Wow. Jimmy it was good. [ light laughter ] will you will your jam is chili, right . I love chili. I make five chilies. I make a veggie chili. I make turkey chili. I make a beef chili. I make a chicken white bean chili, and i make a salmon chili. [ audience oohs ] jimmy you made a salmon chili . You take the salmon and you put it in the frying pan and you chop it up like ground beef or ground turkey. And you do your chili. Jimmy really . Yeah. Thats for the pescatarians. [ laughter ] jimmy yeah. But you got a new addition to the family. Yes. Jimmy i want to show a a picture. Cause man, oh, man, you got a a beautiful new dog. Just look at this. [ audience aws ] look at him jimmy look at that. [ audience aws ] are you kidding me . That is the cutest dog ive ever seen. He is so cute. I miss him. Jimmy oh, no. Whats his name . Kball. Jimmy oh, kball. Yeah, because hes built like a little football player. [ light laughter ] jimmy hes unbelievably cute. What kind of dog is this . He is a miniature french and he snores. [ audience aws ] jimmy thats even cooler. He snores and he snorts. [ light laughter ] jimmy and heres him with his with his new daddy. With his daddy in the hoodie. Jimmy in a hoodie. [ light laughter ] he fits in the hoodie. Okay, wait a minute, yall. Pray, because i left them home together. [ light laughter ] im very concerned. Jimmy really . You dont know whats going to happen . Well first of all, kball is such a good dog. He pooped on the floor and he went right into his playpen. [ light laughter ] he knew he was wrong. Jimmy he knew he was wrong . He knew he was wrong. [ light laughter ] hes probably hijacking all the toilet paper rolls in the house. Its gonna be a mess when i get back. But its okay. Jimmy is he going to stay that