Days . I was sick for 15 of the 16 days. Ive had a cold since september of 2016. Its non i dont use tissues anymore. I had to move to paper towels. I have a roll of paper towels like the Heisman Trophy under my arms. Is anyone else here sick . On behalf of the rest of the audience, thanks for coming. The good news is the bachelor, theres to way i can give him anything he didnt already get in the hot tub. I would like you to allow me to be the first to wish you a happy and healthy new year. I dont know how well top 2017 but were going to try. I was thinking about this today. Babies born in the year, if you were born in the year 2000, youre now old enough in 2018 to not bother to vote. Isnt that something . I did my new years resolution a little differently. This year i made them for other people. They say its better to give. Guillermo, i have a pretty good idea what your new Year Resolution was. What is it . Jimmy guillermo posted this on facebook. You can see he wrote [ cheers and applause ] what kind of gym is this where they dont require a shirt, by the way . I took it off for the picture. Jimmy you wrote good morning from the gym. Fall in love with the gym. Falling in love with the gym . Well, i kind of like the jill now. Jimmy and i like this, too. We are about results. 2018. Too much job to be done. Hispanic stay strong. Is that an arm or a chicken leg or a shrimp . I dont know. Who is we . Do you have a trainer or are you sculpting that body on your own now . No. I hired a trainer. Jimmy what is your trainers name . Cecil. Jimmy you got a trainer named after a salad thats not healthy. Cecil galdona. Jimmy not that dog trainer caesar. No, no. Latino. Jimmy whatever the case, thats one of the sexiest before pictures ive ever seen. He wrote, happy new year, my wonderful friends. Where did this happen . Are you getting acupuncture . Whats going on . You and a poinsettia and where was that . Theres a mexican sushi restaurant. Jimmy thats the best. What . Yes. Half mexican, half sushi restaurant. Jimmy wow so my wife sent me to go get food. I went to get food and when i was getting when i was getting the food, i know a bar tender. He goes you want a margarita . I go yeah, sure. I drink a margarita and he says your food will be ready in a minute. I said can i have another one . So i had another margarita. Jimmy so you had dos margaritas while you were waiting for your food. No, i had three. Jimmy it helps the mexican sushi go down when you have three. Well, happy nuevo ano. He wasnt the only one on new years eve. Cnn sent a reporter to colorado where marine is legal. Reporter theres a little bit of a purple haze. They call this magic bus the cane bus. What do you call it . Like a lazy susan. Reporter like a lazy susan, it makes getting hi easier . Were here at the medicine man. I think i got a little high. Im trying to remember where i am. Jimmy youre not on fox news. Thats i know. I dont know where you get those but if somebody has an extra blazy susan, send it here. President trump was in palm beach for the new year. They were in marlg and look with a great time they had. Its like someone just told him he still has to be president in 2018. On the night of christmas, he tweeted, that was fun, happy holidays but back to work. Then after tweeting, he golfed seven days in a row. It was like his version of hannukkah. It was supposed to only last a day but instead it lasted a week. It was a miracle. Trump has now played golf [ cheers and applause ] a record 91 times since being president which is once every four days. I dont mind it. I think its good for him. He took some time off. He almost seems like new man. Minutes ago, he tweeted, north Korean Leader kim jongun just tweeted, the Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times lflt someone please inform him i too have a Nuclear Button but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his and my button works. Thats right. Happy new year, everybody we have two maniacs with Nuclear Warheads bragging about who has the bigger but the object. Trump tweeted eight times before 8 00 a. M. I know its early but this could be his tweet of the year. He wrote this morning since taking office, ive been very strict on commercial aviation. It was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017. The best and safest year on record. Great job. Not since Harrison Ford was president have we felt so protected on whats clearly, he didnt even read the report which was about commercial aviation around the world. I dont know if he thinks hes president of the world now. If were talking about the united states, its true, there were no deaths in commercial aviation in 2017 which is great. Do you know which other years had no fatalities . 2016, 15, 14, 12, 11 in fact, the last one was in 2009. So thank you, president trump, for being so effective can, you actually went back in time. What wont this man take credit for . By the way, its only january 2nd i might need to be put this aheima iaheimer barrack a hyperbari sleep chamber. A Double Overtime game. Theyll play alabama for the National Championship on monday. It was a great game. Unfortunately the rose bowl i was watching was the bachelor last night. Last night we had the big season premier of the bachelor. You have all these resolutions, read more, speak a fortune language, and then day one. Its the bachelor and youre on the couch. This year it is arie luyen dyk. He was the runner up on the season and somehow they found 29 women who desperately want him. Usually on the show theyll have a couple of ladies with the same name. This year we have twobeckas, two brittneys, and we have this. Whats your name . Lauren. Nice to meet you. Theres another lauren. Ive met two laurens. Nice to meet you. Youre lauren too . Yeah. We have they laurens. Hi, ladies. The four laurens of the apocalypse are on the bachelors this year. Now were down to only three laurens which is manageable but still too many. The bachelor shouldnt be harder to follow than game of thrones. What a group of women this is. This was my favorite moment when becca m. Asked a softball question that arie knocked it out of the park. What are three things that make you excited to be alive. Three things. Excitement. Excitement makes him excited. I think it does for all of us. It will be a long nine weeks. Any way, arie is here with us. And as is tradition, i will predict which woman it will be. Last year i predicted bachelor nick would pick vanessa, and by that, i mean my wife has picked it. My wife has picked four of the last five. Over the next five weeks she decides she wants to be friends with her and have her move in and then the show ends and we cant even remember any of their names. Did any of you play this hq trivia over the break . If you havent played it yet, youre going to. A wedding i went to, the whole wedding stopped. You can win money if you answer 12 questions right. Some of the questions are hard. But some of the questions, some of them its shocking when they reveal the answer because you can see how many people got it wrong. Lets look at the questions. R2d2 is a droid that appears in which popular film franchise . Not everybody got it right. Some think it was a bond villain or a muggle. Heres another one. Which of these critters is not a beetle . 377 people said the rhino beetle was not a beetle even though it was the only choice that has the word beetle in it. Wasnt like one of those was ringo. A trick question. I got mention in the one of the questions. The question is, who is the current host of the tonight show . Jimmy kimmel, jimmy fall honor Mckenzie Fallon . Im not upset that there are all the people that dont know the name of the show. What puzzles me is the 2270 people who chose Mckenzie Fallon. Is that even a person . It sounds like an outdoor apparel catalogue. But it is very popular. It is almost as popular as the game were going to play next. A miracle struck. When the clock struck midnight, the sale of Recreational Marijuana became legal and just like that, millions of fake cases of insomnia were cured. Marijuana is now fully legal for recreational purposes. Hundreds lined up to play. They delivered to it your house. And by the way, real stoners dont like up in front of a store on the day it becomes legal. Real stoners line up maybe four days later if they even remember. We came up with a game to play. Were going out to the streets. One of the people youre looking at right now is high. Shockingly, two of them arent. When we come back, well rye to guess which person it is as we play quote whos high. Whos hi chris the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel hes got a purple heart. bruce we started talking about the service. I outrank him. chris [laughs] yeah. Meals on wheels reaches so many people. Its impactful beyond anything ive ever done in my life. bruce the meals and his friendship really mean, means a lot to me. vo through the subaru share the love event, weve helped deliver over onepoint seven million meals to those in need. Get zero percent financing for 63 months on select models, plus well donate two hundred and fifty dollars to charity. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. Were proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the worlds highest rated bourbon. Their words, not ours. 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Jimmy welcome back. I mentioned earlier the sale of Recreational Marijuana is legal here in the state of california. Were playing a game which we have cleverly titled whos high . In front of our theater, cousin sal, youre not high, correct . I took a few things. Jimmy some people we found on the street, one of those people has admitted that he is high or she is high. The other two are not. I have to figure out with your help which one is high. Okay . Does everyone understand that . Lets meet our contestants. All right. Sheryl is already trying to figure out how to work a microphone so youre suspect number one. Where are you from . Ontario, canada. Jimmy is marijuana legal there . Not yet. Jimmy when will it be legal . July 1st. Jimmy okay. Your eyes look very clear. Well, maybe not. All right, well its very christmassy in your eyeballs. What do you do for work there . Im an aspiring youtuber. Jimmy thats not a job aspiring youtuber . The account is free. You dont have to aspire. All right. Lets meet our next contestant. What is your name . Danicko. Jimmy where are you from . Charleston, South Carolina. Jimmy may i have a look at his clothing, please . What kind of tree is that . Is that palm . Oh, wait a minute, thats a palm tree. All right. What do you do for a living . Im a land survey or. Jimmy do you get drug tested at work . Never. Jimmy all right. All right. And lets keep going to contestant number three. And your name is clay. Where are you from . Louisville, kentucky. Jimmy what do you do for work there . Well, i make pizza. Jimmy oh, boy. Wow, thats perfect. Lets take a look at clays eyes. Yeah. And just for fairness sake, lets to go danicko. Would you mind removing your sunglasses for just a moment so i can have a look and see whats going on there . All right. Now who is laughing hardest right now . I think the dog is, jimmy. Jimmy all right. I am going to say, i feel like dan dloik is putting it on a little bit. Im going to say sheryl. Are you high . No. Jimmy you are not high. All right. Clay, are you high . Nope. Jimmy this is how narrow it down. Whats your dogs name . Simon. Jimmy simon, are you high . Danicko, when did you last smoke . At 20. Jimmy you mean in april or this afternoon . For y4 20. Jimmy all right. We have prizes for everyone. Thank you very much. Lets bring three more in there. I want to give it another shot. I feel like i need to redeem myself. My weedar is a little off. Three more contestants. All right. Les no, way les is high, right . No. Jimmy where are you from . Oklahoma. Jimmy were you pulled into this begrudgingly . I was bored and didnt have anything else to do. Jimmy all right. [ laughter ] jimmy in the middle, your name is jane . Jane. Where are you from . Im from chattanooga, tennessee. Jimmy youre from tennessee. You seem very cleareyed. And now finally our third contestant is craig. Jimmy all right. Craig, what do you do for work . I am currently laid off. Jimmy oh, yeah. Its craig. No. Jimmy its not you . Negative. Jimmy well, it cant be less so it must be jane. No. Jimmy its les. What can i say . Jimmy wow les, come in here. I would like to you enjoy the rest of the show with us. I have to bring my grandson with me. Jimmy wait a minute. Youre with your grandson . Oh, no id better not. Lets get Child Protective Services on the line and bring les in here. Do you have prizes . Yes, ill giving everyone a snow globe. Thank you for playing. Come on in, les. Tonight on the show, the bachelor is here. Dusty slay is with us and well be back with David Duchovny. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. feel the power inof thenew power. Smax. L. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Jimmys gotten used to his whole yup, hes gone noseblind. Odors. He thinks it smells fine, but his mom smells this. Luckily theres febreze fabric refresher for all the things you cant wash. It finds odors trapped in fabrics and washes them away as it dries. And try pluggable febreze to continuously eliminate odors for up to 45 days of freshness. Pluggable febreze and fabric refresher. Two more ways to breathe happy. Jimmy hi, and welcome back. Tonight, the most eligible bachelor on this or any network. Arie luyendyk jr. Is here. I have many questions for arie and he will have no answers for me. Then, a very funny gentleman who will be headlining the charleston comedy festival in South Carolina starting january 19th. Dusty slay is with us. Tomorrow night, Jessica Chastain will be here. Sean diddy combs will join us. Well have music from brandi carlile. And later this week kobe bryant, armie hammer, khloe kardashian, jason clarke. Plus, music from they and prophets of rage. And look who has wandered in here. How are you . Jimmy les i have to tell you something. I feel a lot better about the grandson thing now that i see that this is your grandson, right . Yep jimmy were you guys at the game yesterday . You said youre from oklahoma. Yes, sir. Jimmy and then it didnt go as well as you hoped you turned to drugs. It happened a long time ago. Jimmy have you smoke with your grandpa before . No. Hes good. I dont drink or smoke. Jimmy you sat there while your grandfather got high . I have to make sure he gets home okay. Jimmy wherever he goes, hes going to be okay. Well, hang out, les. Look what you get. It pays to get hi. You get a [ bleep ] snow globe. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you hang out right there. Im going to introduce our first guest. Feel free to hang out. If you have any questions for David Duchovny, hell be right here. Long before Robert Mueller was the most talkedabout member of the fbi, we had a mulder. A fox mulder who is back, alongside Gillian Anderson for an allnew season of the xfiles. It returns to fox tomorrow night. Please welcome David Duchovny. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Im good. I recognize you. 1983, ninth street and avenue b. You owe me a nickel bag of weed, buddy. No guarantees. Jimmy i dont think les knows this is happening right now. Welcome. Its very good to see you. Nice to see you. Jimmy how is your life going . Everything is good. Jimmy are you one of those guys, i know youre from new york. Did you ever go out in times square and celebrate . God know. Jimmy who would do this . Who would ever go out there . Nobody from, no is out there in times square. My family didnt really celebrate new years eve either. We were not a very celebratory family. No touchdown dances, nothing. I remember i got invited to a party on the Upper East Side. I was on the lower east side. And i just assumed, i showed up at like 6 00 p. M. For a party. It was snowing and i saw there was nothing going on in the house and i ended up walking on the Upper East Side for four hours in the snow before i saw signs of life in the house. Jimmy thats one of the saddest things ive ever heard. One of my nicknames in high school was hay seed. I seemed like i was from the country. Jimmy the kids called you hay seed . The coaches. Jimmy do you want to lay down and get into this . I find this very surprising. From time to time celebrities will come on the show and theyre fans of the bachelor to find out whats going on. You watch the bachelor. Jimmy i have watched it. You have watched it or do you watch it . I do watch it. Jimmy and why . Who got you into this . It the couldnt have been something you did on your own. No. It was my daughter and i. She was about 14, four or five years ago, we started watching together. I would watch it for clues to what kind of guy she would gravitate toward. She didnt know that i was watching it for that reason. I would be in silent judgment of her picks. Like she would say that guy is so cute. And i would be like i would be thinking, its more than just good hair. A relationship is based on more than just good hair. Jimmy thats right. When you watch her, do you try to steer her away . You have children. Jimmy well we didnt have this. My kids are 26 and 24. Like maybe we got a little of jersey shore and they werent attracted to anybody on that. But i have little kids now. We dont watch the bachelor yet. It will be going on forever. Jimmy it probably will. Is there one bachelor in particular that she liked that you didnt like that she liked . Yes. Jimmy who was that . I think his name was jordan rodgers. Jimmy Aaron Rodgers brother. He had fabulous hair. My poor young daughter was mesmerized by the flip of his hair. I didnt trust the guy. Jimmy trust no one. Thats right. Im sure hes a lovely guy. Jimmy im sure. Please dont condemn me. Jimmy and your daughter liked him so you naturally did not. Jimmy do you watch the bachelor . No. This is getting heavy. You guys can go. You dont to have hang out. You can take off. Thanks for coming. You could have a pilot at abc tomorrow. I was kind of hoping i would take the seat behind the desk. Jimmy they say les is more. I hear that a lot. Jimmy very good. Theres les and his grandson. His grandson might be a nice catch for your daughter. You know . He has good hair. David duchovny is here the all new 2018 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. Making a target run after cli need vitamins. Inhale. Im out of yogurt i need protein powder. Ill drive. I need ice cream get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. Lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. Un poquito mas rapido, no . [instrumental music plays] [wheel squeaking] beautiful bike, just beautiful. Ha,ha,ha. [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [rain falling] [wheel squeaking] Carlos Carlos dr. Brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] tell cardio right away i need a. Im to help you park safelyball danin your garage. Ring its part of my new years resolution no more mayhem. Making sure your car is pulled in far enough. But not too far. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. You doing your taxes . Oh. Yeah. Trying to sneak them in between set ups. Why are you using turbotax . Hm . Well h r block more zero lets you file online for free even if you itemize deductions. Turbotax doesnt do that. Oh man. At this point, it kind of just seems like you hate money. Yikes that was not me. I think somebody touched something. Unlike turbotax, h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. A more free way to file. Get your taxes won. Its okay, mr. Mulder. The man here wont be troubling you any longer. This is my associate. Nobody has a name. Weve all had many names. You want to see me snap . I dont think youll fire. Let me cut to the point. The man were both looking for is point exterminating humanity. Jimmy thats David Duchovny tomorrow night at 8 00 p. M. Originally, that line as written was you want to see me snap . And i said to chris carter, it feels a little wrong. Jimmy off . Yeah. Why dont i have a gun . Thats the kind of creative input that i give. Jimmy its a give and take. A collaboration. Jimmy a perfect way of putting it. When you started, you know ive loved the xfiles since the beginning. Were you at all skeptical about taking this role . Oh, yeah. Jimmy why . Honestly, i thought a show about aliens, youre going to see an alien or not in the first couple elpisode is over. Jimmy but it turned out to be about a lot more. Were you auditioning for other shows . Yes. For every show that would have me. At that point, i was like, right before that i had great disappointment. I had auditioned for a show called full house a couple years earlier. And i had actually auditioned for all three parts. They configure out how to use me. All they could figure out jimmy all three. So bob saget, and john stamos . And the olson twins. Jimmy and you wanted that. I wanted to eat. I would go home and be told, youre not that guy. Go in for this guy. Not that guy. Go in for this guy. Not that guy. Go home. Jimmy did you get the xfiles right away . No. It was shortly after that. Maybe a year or two after that. I cant remember exactly. Jimmy but even then, you were wondering, whats going on . Even though you were almost uncle jesse. I dont know if i want to get involved in this alien show. Yeah. I had booked this other job that was going at the same time they were going to shoot the pilot, and stupid, i told them i would do this tv movie. And casting, a guy named randy stone who has died since, a good friend. He said i will tell you if you do there show, youll never need work again in the rest of your life. And ive only said that to one other person, woody haralson for cheers. And i said he was [ bleep ] next time i see him. Jimmy theres no way hell remember. Obviously. Jimmy legalized marijuana way before it was in california. It would be a great gag if he told every actor that youll never have to work again in your life. Jimmy it turned out to be absolutely true. Bless his heart. Jimmy its great to have you here. Xfiles back tomorrow night at 8 00. Well be right back with the bachelor, Arie Luyendyk jr. I love you, basement guest bathroom. Your privacy makes you my number 1 place to go number 2. I love you, but sometimes you stink. Febreze air effects doesnt just mask, it cleans away odors. Because the things you love the most can stink. And try febreze small spaces to clean away odors for up to 30 days. Breathe happy with febreze. Mom stuffynosecold nosleep mouthbreather just put on a breathe right strip it instantly opens your nose. Up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone go to breatheright. Com today to request a free sample. When you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. The price is 4. 99 come on in for a subway footlong black forest ham meatball marinara spicy italian get five footlongs for just 4. 99 each right now at subway. At ally, we offer low rates on home loans. But if thats not enough, we offer our price match guarantee too. And if thats not enough. We should move. Our home team will help you every step of the way. Still not enough . Its smaller than id like. Well help you finance your dream home. Its perfect. Oh, was this built on an ancient Burial Ground . Okay. Then well have her cleanse your house of evil spirits. Well do anything, spiritual chatter seriously anything to help you get your home. Ally. Do it right. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 to hel chilis made some. Major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back jimmy last night on the season premiere of the bachelor our next guest met a bekah, a bri, a brittany, a brittane with an e, and a recordbreaking. He puts his heart on the line again, as the bachelor, every monday night here on abc. Please welcome Arie Luyendyk jr. Arie . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy it is very good to see you. Youre the bachelor. Who did you pick . Dont make us go through this again. Were going to find out eventually. Just tell us. I have everybody backstage crazy right now. I have a pretty good poker face. Jimmy can you tell us when was the last time you saw the person you picked . I cannot. Jimmy thats interesting. Usually the bachelor will say, weve been holed up in a hotel room or Something Like that. No. I want to keep it its difficult. I cant tell you anything. Its hard. I will say though, it was an amazing experience, obviously. Jimmy well, sure, you have to say that. Its part of bachelor law. I know. I did fall in love. Jimmy okay. With one of the women on the show . With two women. Two of the women on the show. Jimmy so you have a threesome going. Thats exciting. Wouldnt that be something . Are there rules that say you have to just pick one . Or can you peick couple . No. You do have to pick a couple. Jimmy like the five on the couch. Ill take a couple of you. You do have to pick one. Jimmy and your terminology is interesting too. You say unfortunately. Because if you were really theres something really going on, you would be a little more quaushs the words. No, no, its a very difficult process. Obviously you could see i was very nervous on the first els episode. A couple jokes went right over my head. Jimmy youre a real estate agent. Correct . You work in scottsdale, arizona. Is this helping your business . No. It is a little awkward. I did an open house the other day. And someone talked about this and said youre the bachelor . And the conversation became just about that. I drove someone around and i realized, shes not buying a house. She just wants to hang out so i think this might be creating a problem for me. Jimmy im going to tell you who you picked. Then well study your face and see what your reaction is. My wife has worked very hard on this. She made me wait right until showtime to tell me who she thinks the winner will be. Weve narrowed it down to four. Starting with tia. She gave you a little wiener when she met you. Shes frye the town of wiener. Shes ravens friend. Im ashamed of myself for knowing these things. Shes an arkansas girl, a physical therapist. You will not pick tia but you will keep her around for a while. Yes . Number two. Chelsea. You gave her the First Impression rose. She is very attractive, aggressive, clearly going to be the villain so you need to keep her around for a while. You wont pick her but youll keep giving her roses so she can antagonize everyone in the house. Chelsea. I think we may have learned something there. Becca m. You said shes beautiful. You seem excited to be around her. Shes a rock childer. She made the other girls cry in the appropriato which means shell be around for a while. And you dont see a woman with short hair very much. Becca m single in your final four. And the winner, perhaps your wife, although i dont think so. Becca k. Despite a weird start, making you get down on one knee, you liked her. She seemed to be the most normal. No major red flags. You seemed into her when she was reading questions from her mom and pretendsing her mother is interesting. Thats a big thing to do. You also gave her the first rose in the ceremony which means shes probably the one whose name you reynold off the bat. I believe you will pick becca k oh on, man. Maybe you wont pick any of they will. I would like to see you in a threesome with these twoful are these the final two . Did you pick two glaebeccas . How confusing would that be . Or easy. Jimmy or easy. I hope whatever happened there turned out well and i hope people stop wasting your time when you do open houses. Do you put cookies in the house . I do everything. Jimmy he does everything. Hes the bachelor monday night on abc. And we shall return with comedian dusty slay. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena ,000 deaths in america last year. We need to stand up and say enough. The only way this problem is going to be solved is if we raise our voices. Choose help over helplessness, hope over hopelessness. Make sure that the lives weve lost will not have been lost in vain. Addiction is a disease. When you ask for help, help is there for you. Jimmy our next guest is a very funny man with a great comedian name. You can see him headline the charleston comedy festival in South Carolina on january 19th. Making his television debut, please welcome dusty slay. All right all right. All right. Well, i grew up in a trailer park which wasnt that fun. So im not sure why they call it a park. You know what i mean . There wasnt no rides in there. Theres a lot of money out there. A lot of different kinds of money. You know theres like old money, new money, drug money, blood money. We didnt have any of that. What we had was good money. Thats when your parents buy you something you dont like, they go we paid good money for that good money buys the worst stuff too. Its never anything good. Good money buys like air brushed tshirts with your name on it, from the county fair. I had a lot of t shirts with wolves on them growing up. My mom thought id look good in a wolf t shirt. She was like the more wolves the better. Put them all over that thing. Maybe put a little moon on that thing. Give that wolf something to howl at. I had a hat growing up that just had my name airbrushed across the top. Just said dusty, right across the top. Thats just so i wouldnt get kidnapped. Kidnapper sees that hat hes like, nah his family aint got no money. Just give him the candy. Just let him have the candy. He probably aint had candy in a long time. Im out there trying to get in the van. Theyre like, no, no. We are kidnappers. Im like, i know, im a kid. Trying to get napped up in here. I live in nashville, tennessee now. I live in nashville and last december we had a Tornado Warning and i was listening to the radio and they were telling us what to do during the Tornado Warning based on what kind of house you live in. They said if you have a house with a basement, go into the basement. If you live in a house without a basement, go into a bathroom or a small room. And they were like, if you live in a trailer park, we want you to go to a neighbors house or go outside and lay down in the ditch thats the real news. They were like listen, we dont know what to tell ya. Hell, you made some bad decisions along the way, now youve got to deal with this. Theyre like, yeah i know its raining out there and that ditch is going to be full of water but just get down in it. Yeah its december, its going to be cold. Youre probably going to get sick, but just get down in there. I like that they think that theres a ditch located next to every trailer park. Like it just comes with it. Every trailer park gets their own tornado ditch. No trash in this ditch unless its white trash. Were having a good time. I like that the other option they gave you was to go to a neighbor s house. I dont know what kind of trailer parks they know about, but at the trailer park i grew up in, my neighbor also lived in a trailer. Its like they just wanted us to meet up in one, maybe weight it down. That way the tornado couldnt carry it away. We werent real poor though, we just didnt have everything, you know . Like i never got ice cream growing up. My mom used to just pour milk into a bowl, then shed call me into the room and go, well, youre too late. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. [ applause ] jimmy were going to get you some ice cream. Dusty slay will be headlining at the charleston comedy festival in South Carolina on january 19th. Id like to thank David Duchovny, Arie Luyendyk jr. And apologize to matt damon. We ran out of time. Nightline is next. Goodnight [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight hundreds of powerful Women Joining forces, launching the new times up movement. A call for the end of sexual harassment. How women are seizing the political reins. Plus, social star gone too far. The youtube star famous for shameless stunts. 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