Jennifer hello, Everyone Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel Live. [ cheers and applause ] okay, okay. Shut up i am your guest host for the night, Jennifer Lawrence. I am the fourth and final guest host of the week. Jimmy will be back on monday, so until then, it is up to me to save health care. [ laughter ] as i was getting ready for the show this afternoon i suddenly got very nervous about hosting. Then i remembered the advice my mom gave me about overcoming stage fright. So i drank an entire box of chardonnay and i feel much better. [ cheers and applause ] it was an honor to be asked to fill in for jimmy tonight. I was so excited to do this, i told the producers, i dont even want my money for this. And they said, no, jennifer, we insist on paying you. 29 less than the male guest hosts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i know it might be weird to see me up here. I am an mtv best kiss award winner. [ laughter ] but i really am a regular person, i dont get caught up in all the celebrity bs, i dont care that ive never been named people magazines most beautiful woman in the world, or that Julia Roberts has gotten it five times. I think there would be like some kind of limit. [ laughter ] but this is fun. Guest hosting a talk show is kind like the hollywood equivalent of house sitting. You swing by, you check the mail, you feed the guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] jennifer hi, guillermo. Guillermo hi. Jennifer whos been the best guest host this week . Guillermo of course you. [ cheers and applause ] jennifer hes full of [ bleep ] but ill let it slide because i know how sad you are about the dodgers. Guillermo i know. Jennifer did you guys watch the game last night . Dodgers lost a heartbreaker to the astros. The people of l. A. Havent been this disappointed with a pitcher since Gwyneth Paltrow made quinoa lemonade. [ laughter ] the good news is that most dodger fans were able to put a positive spin on the whole thing. Next year. Next year. That was about the only comment dodger fans made as they came out of the stadium in stunned silence. I cant even talk. Im kind of speechless right now. The next time theres a world series, im not going to be alive, okay . [ laughter ] jennifer not with that attitude. [ laughter ] congratulations to the astros. They not only won the championship, but a oneinalifetime chance to turn down the visit to the white house. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. My other obsession lord jesus god Kim Kardashian is here. [ cheers and applause ] i recently went over to kims house for dinner, which was the best night of my life. I drank five martinis and wound up naked in her closet. Im dead serious, ill ask her about it. Im excited to be hosting a talk show on hollywood boulevard. Ive always dreamed of working three doors down from a wetzels pretzels. I have to admit im on edge after this ktla news report from right outside this very theater. Its the case of the 25,000 herpes sore. And it could happen to you. [ laughter ] jennifer for the record, ive never had to pay for herpes. [ laughter ] if i did, it would kill me, because im cheap and a hypochondriac. Despite the threat of highpriced herpes, i wanted to mingle with some of the locals while i was here in hollywood. So i came up with a simple game. I ran up to people on the street and asked them to name five movies ive been in. Simple if you have low enough selfesteem. [ laughter ] the point was to put them on the spot and humiliate myself. And guess what . Both happened. Jennifer can you please oh my god jennifer name five movies Jennifer Lawrence has been in. With you in front of me i cant think of any jennifer can you name five Jennifer Lawrence movies . Oh, gosh. Please jennifer lady, for the love of god i know, i know, ive seen i know your movies jennifer did you see that mov movie . No. Jennifer no . Didnt see it . No. Jennifer did you know who Jennifer Lawrence is . This is the worst day of my life. Jennifer lawrence. Nope. Jennifer hey. Hey, whats up . Jennifer whats up . Do you smoke weed . Sometimes. Jennifer yeah . Yeah. Jennifer when you smoke weed, do you ever watch Jennifer Lawrence movies . No. Jennifer cool. Me neither. Can you name five Jennifer Lawrence movies . Five Jennifer Lawrence movies . Jennifer i know. Who is that bitch . Jennifer aniston could i tell you. Jennifer Jennifer Aniston is way lert than Jennifer Lawrence, do you agree . Yeah. Jennifer much better. I love her. Jennifer prettier, funnier. Yes. Jennifer better movies. Yes, yes, i love her. Jennifer yeah, overall. Yeah, great. Jennifer im Jennifer Lawrence. Oh. Jennifer can you name five Jennifer Lawrence movies . What . Oh my gosh. The one with the woman whos one word kind of like happy jennifer one word. Joy. Jennifer yes american hustle. Jennifer yes im not sure hungry . The hunger games. Jennifer i was in one of those. Definitely the blue you were like the blue jennifer yeah, yeah, xmen. A space one . Jennifer yeah, there was a space one. The hot guy. Jennifer yeah the hot guy. Its the coldest season of the year christmas, wintertime. Jennifer ill just go [ bleep ] myself, dont worry about it. Can you guys name any Jennifer Lawrence movie at all . Jennifer Lawrence Jennifer anybody know where Jennifer Lawrences house is . Oh jennifer can anyone name five movies ive been in . Hunger games. American hustle. Thats what i was going to say. Joy. Jennifer bye, guys. I see these vans drive by my neighborhood, so if you see somebody in a tesla giving you the finger, thats me. Just fiv. Guillermo the hunger games. Jennifer thats a movie. Guillermo joy. Jennifer wow, youre doing well. Guillermo xmen. Jennifer oh my god. Guillermo passengers. Jennifer oh my god. Guillermo winters bone. Jennifer great work. Im so honored youre my biggest fan. Guillermo i love your movies and i love you too. Jennifer oh, shut the [ bleep ] up. [ cheers and applause ] jennifer i do love you, guillermo. We have to take a break. When we come back, parents tell their kids they ate all their halloween candy, so stick around [ cheers and applause ] its exactly what i asked for. Let out your inner child at the lexus december to remember sales event. Lease the 2017 rc turbo for 299 a month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. I got it from the same place i bought your present from last year. Its the thing from the link you sent us. And the year before. I found the perfect gift for you. But it wouldnt ship in time. So i just. Texted you a photo. I bought it with one click. I included a gift receipt. Its the thought that counts . Dont shop like everybody else. This year shop ebay for brand new, nearly new, and totally you gifts. At ally, we offer a credit card with unlimited cash back. But if thats not enough, we offer a 10 deposit bonus into an ally account. And if thats not enough to help you save, we could help you cut the cord. Thats right. Cancel it. What about my reality shows . Ok, if thats not enough, well give you reality. This is too real maybe a comedy . Alright, how about a comedian . Arsenio . Aint nothing funny about laundry well do anything, seriously anything, to help your money grow. People just walking in my house. Ally. Do it right. In the mirror everyday. When i look when i look in the mirror everyday. Everyday, i think how fortunate i am. I think is today going to be the day, that we find a cure . I think how much i can do to help change peoples lives. I may not benefit from those breakthroughs, but im sure going to. Im bringing forward a treatment for alzheimers disease, yes, in my lifetime, i will make sure. Hurry in get thousands of styles from just five dollars right now at old navy. What can you do with two bacon, egg anfor 5 from dunkin . Settle a debt. Make a friend. Save the day. Or keep em both for this handsome devil. With two bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches for 5 the future is in your hands. America runs on dunkin. Why arits because sweeneysing been exposed as aeeney . Double dipping pension padder. Caught spending Campaign Money on lavish dinners and fine cigars for his pals. Investigated for being a lobbyist and a senator at the same time. Sweeney voted to raise taxes 145 times while our economy continues to struggle. South jersey is a mess, and its time to take out the trash. On november 7th, make a change. Dump sweeney. Jennifer welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. I am your guest host Jennifer Lawrence. [ cheers and applause ] music from linkin bridge is on the way. As is Kim Kardashian west [ cheers and applause ] okay, so we have something for you that is both a trick and a treat. Every year jimmy invites parents to pretend they ate all their kids halloween candy. Once again those evil parents delivered in a huge and bigly way. So here it is, the seventh annual hey jimmy kimmel i told my kids i ate all their halloween candy sad. Remember how we went trickortreating last night . Yeah. Guess what . What . Mommy and daddy got so hungry, we ate all of it. Mommy ate it all up. No spit it out spit it out of your tummy i ate all your candy. Aah there was m ms, there was reeses stop it there was this big bag that the fire truck guy gave no last night, daddy ate all your halloween candy. You hear me . I dont like you eating all my candy. Well, im sorry. Youre selfish. Youre selfish. I was so hungry. You just have to ate more lunch. We ate all your halloween candy. Its fine. Thats okay. You can do that, whatever you want to. Im really sorry. Can i get you some more . Aahhh im sorry, i ate your candy, all gone. Yep, and thats why i dont love you anymore. I want more candy in that bucket right now sorry, pal. Not gone. Its all gone. Ooh i ate all your candy last night. Thats all right. I forgive you. Really . Aww wait a minute wait a minute what . I think youre trying to trick me. Were not. Jimmy kimmel told me to do this to you. Why . I dont know, why he wanted me to prank you. Well, i i ill beat him up. Youre going to beat jimmy kimmel up . Yeah i ate it all. Im sorry. [ bleep ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jennifer sorry, kids. Well be right back with Kim Kardashian west [ cheers and applause ] lets get the big guy in place. The ford yearend sales event is here. I can guide you in . No, thanks , santa, i got this. Looks a little tight. Perfect fit. Santa needs an f150. Thats ford, americas best selling brand. 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Many times, people turn to a deadlier option heroin. Addiction is a disease, but help is within reach. Call 844 reach nj or visit reachnj. Gov. Jennifer welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live. I am your guest host and new best friend, Jennifer Lawrence. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show for you tonight. I hand selected our musical guest this evening. Theyre an a Capella Group from my home state of kentucky. Linkin bridge from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] okay, lets do this. I have been obsessed with our first guest and her family for over a decade in a very healthy way. [ laughter ] she is the queen of reality tv, social media, and now, cosmetics, too, with her company kkw beauty. Please welcome Kim Kardashian west. [ cheers and applause ] jennifer so, are you excited . Im excited. Buckle down and get comfortable. My first question, do you think its a coincidence that reggie bushs wife looks just like you . I dont. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is going to be fun. Jennifer so ive been obsessed with you probably not for you. Ive been obsessed with you for a really long time. Can you remember the first time we met . I do, actually. We were at jennifer oh my god. We were at a hotel in new york. And i dont know where we were coming from, but it was late. We were going up to see this axl gevort suite at the greenwich. Im getting in the elevator with kanye, the doors about to close, i hear jennifer screaming i love your show. Across the lobby. Jennifer that was the same hotel where i was taking off my bra under my shirt and kanye tapped me on the shoulder. I was like, what . Oh my god so recently i went over to your moms house for dinner. Yes. Jennifer it was ever i could have ever credreamed of. Was it . Jennifer yeah. [ laughter ] because i have to say, so jennifer came over for dinner like two weeks ago. Jennifer yeah. Ive never seen my mom more drunk in our lives. Jennifer i was way more drunk than your mom. You take it easy on your mother. Not possible. It was it was so funny. Ive never seen this jennifer no. Dont even remember. [ cheers and applause ] at that point it was like two they had like a few too many drinks for my taste. Jennifer yeah. Well, you were drinking tea. [ laughter ] so i understand. And i remember getting naked in your moms closet and ordering you to dress me. Yes. Jennifer you dressed me fabulously. I looked amazing as you could see in that video. Is my memory correct, did you call kanye to come up in the closet . Did you want him to style me . You said, im not joking, i really want kanye to style me. So i said okay, and i come back in and youre fully buck naked. I get on the intercom and tell him to not come upstairs. And we put on one of my moms dresses and you wore it throughout the whole dinner. Jennifer oh, i have it. I went home in it. [ laughter ] do you and kanye like fart in front of each other or talk about farts . [ laughter ] do you fart in front of him . I dont fart, what are you talking about . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jennifer theres no real good way to segue into that. I was just thinking, because i asked you to get me gasx, i remember kanye looking down the table like, oh my god, she farts i had one of those stabbing gas pains in the back of my ribs. You did. Jennifer because i was so excited. [ laughter ] i feel like i know you so well now. Jennifer yeah, inside and out. [ laughter ] yeah. So one thing that a lot of people might not know if they havent watched every single episode from the time the show started is that you run instagram and social media, but youre also a bona fide hacker. Totally. Im retired. Im fully retired. Jennifer tell me about those days. Yeah, i used to be like the goto spy that everyone would call and try to get info on their boyfriends or husbands or whatever. Jennifer how did you get it . What did you do . I just probably was in a really insecure, untrusting relationship, and i had to use jennifer oh, that far back. Its far back. Its not like that anymore. I dont hack anymore. Jennifer kanye doesnt have a password on his phone. Yeah, no, he doesnt. But actually, we shouldnt say that. He does, people. [ laughter ] jennifer oh, yeah, yeah. He doesnt have pictures in his phone, so youre good, you can take his phone. There is this service that i figured out that you can call someones number and make it look like its anyone elses number calling them. So what i figured out is how to get into the voice mail system is if you call the number, but make it look like its your own number calling. It tricks the system and gets right into the voice mail system. Were screwed now that theres texting. Because no one leaves voice mails anymore. Jennifer right, yeah. But i got all the dirt back in the day. Jennifer total creeps are screwed. I got major dirt back in the day. Jennifer wow. Do you think you could like hack like a president s twitter and maybe like stop a war . Like you could save the world. [ laughter ] in theory. Kind of like that game we were playing at the house, remember . Jennifer i dont remember. [ laughter ] you were like, okay, if you could save the world, who would you rather sleep with . Donald trump or kim jongun . Jennifer oh, who did you say . I think we were just laughing so hard we didnt choose. Jennifer oh, thats i would have made you choose. I get very aggress whiff im drunk. Yeah. Jennifer i probably put you in some sort of hold where you were going to pass out. [ laughter ] yeah, no, i dont know if we chose. Jennifer another random question. Does khloe is khloe like in on you being subtly rude to her . Or ow just subtly rude . What do you mean . [ laughter ] like about her style . Jennifer yeah. [ applause ] i love khloe jennifer no, of course you do. We go through periods and her and i are really vibing right now. Yeah, im just maybe i was rude about her style. Jennifer okay. But i love her style, really. Jennifer i dont have a sister so i dont know how it works. Its a freeforall. You can say anything. Jennifer to be honest, if you had styled my suitcase i would have probably been like, sick. If id already packed it, i would have been annoyed. She unpack the it. Jennifer you put all the work in. The polaroid was a really nice touch. I wanted to for this show, i couldnt stop having ideas. I wanted you to come and like organize my closet and stuff. I will, eye come over and organize, polaroids and all. Jennifer please do. Okay, wait wait, what do i okay. I made you something but i dont know if we have enough time what should i do . Just wrap up the conversation and go to break jennifer okay, when we come back no, wrap up the conversation. Okay, kim. [ laughter ] ha ha ha ha ha ha ha very funny stuff. When we come back, i have many deeply personal questions i need to ask kim. [ cheers and applause ] dicky next week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, idris elba