[ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Thats very nice. Welcome, welcome, hi, brooklyn thank you. Too kind, thank you for coming. Thanks. We are on the road, beaming into your heads from the opera house at the brooklyn academy. Please, its an opera house. Thank you very much. Was there enough bike parking for everyone tonight . This is our third time broadcasting from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] you know what . A lot has changed since we were here in 2015. Williamsburg is the new murray hill. Bed sty is the new williamsburg. Tickets to hamilton are only 500 each now. I dont know if im going to make it to the end of the week. Ill be honest with you. My blood mozzarella level is like. 375 last night. I ate at frankies three nights in a row. My daughter yesterday, shes 3 years old. She asked if we can move here. She said can this be our home . [ cheers and applause ] we were sitting on the bed this morning. We had the window open and he a breeze came in and it smelled good. I said it smells good, right . And she said sometimes it smells like dog poop. Sometimes it smells like flowers. And i really think that sums brooklyn up perfectly. Sometimes it smells like dog poop. Sometimes flowers. You know, it seems like every time we come to brooklyn Something Weird happens, and sure enough this afternoon, Something Weird happened. We have breaking news out of brooklyn, a cow is on the loose. Youre looking at a live picture from news copter 7. You can see the cow is near the soccer field there. In l. A. We go thank you similar thing every time gary busey gets out of his pen. So this cow was actually a baby bull, it escaped from a slaughterhouse. The only slaughter nous brooklyn that hasnt been converted into an art gallery event space. It ended up on a soccer feel which any parent can tell you thats the worst place to be. It took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. The police were finally able to wrangle it and i believe it was charged with endangerment. This is the first cow chase if two years. I think you might be going a little overboard the farm to table thing. The good news, the bull will not wind up under a slice of melted parmesan. It turns out, and i love this fact, they have a policy where if an animal escape as slaughterhouse, it gets to go rehabilitation facility for misbehaving cows. Thats the good news. The bad news is it is also where they sent harvey weinstein. Im still not sure if it is too soon yet. We have a great show for you. A man i admire intensely, David Letterman, is here with us tonight. David letterman. I dont know if i can say this, David Letterman is to me what beyonce is to everyone else. If dave had any idea how excited that i am he is here tonight, he would not under any circumstances be here tonight. If that isnt enough, and by god, dont you think it ought to be, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all week, mr. Paul shaffer cletones be rocking. Jimmy this is how we got letterman on the show. We kidnapped paul and said youd better show up. Also we have music from fifth harsh an harsh, harmony. Somewhere guillermo . Do we know . Jimmy okay. Now i understand whats going on. Yeah, bring him right in. Thank you. Sometimes he gets a little bit drunk. Hi, everybody [ applause ] jimmy what they call a brooklyn burrito. The good news is it didnt mess your hair up at all. No, its perfect. Jimmy say hi to everybody. Hi, everybody jimmy as you know, brooklyn is home to many great cooks and artisans and bakers. It is also home to the worlds biggest maker of Fortune Cookies. They are based in brooklyn and they have a factory in long island city. I happen to love a good Fortune Cookie so we took a field trip to learn how they put a fortune in the cookies and to learn maybe how to write our own. This is the place . Jimmy yeah. Lets check this out. All right. Hey, jimmy. Nice meeting you. Did you carry them all . Jimmy can we come in . Were exhausted. Welcome to wonton food. Jimmy how do i look . You look good too. So these are them. The batter goes from up here to down here to all the machines. They get baked jimmy when you say you get baked, these people are high . I meant the cookies. Jimmy the cookies themselves. Okay. How many fortunes are in one of these rolls . Jimmy 4,000. I didnt write everyone of them. Do people who are gluten free ever just buy the roll . No. We dont sell the paper by itself. Jimmy were going to make a lot of money you and i. I would love to help but i know guillermo also would love to help write some fortunes. That would be great. Then you need to meet the committee. Jimmy does it have to be unanimous . Yes. It does. Ladies and guys or just guys . Both. With the ladies well do good. Jimmy oh, yeah, especially with these hats. This is where you write the fortunes . This is where we write the fortunes. Jimmy it is not as magical as i imagined. This is where peoples fates are decided in a cubicle . It is quite poetic if you think about life and the plight of the american worker. Well give you a little time. Jimmy well work on it. And ill come back and join you. Jimmy thank you. Well get to work. I cant think of anything. What are you writing . I put money is not everything but you can buy a lot of expensive things. Is that good . Yeah. Im going to write it also. Money is not everything. Thats not the cheating . What cheating . That was my idea. Jimmy no, no. Give me another one. Mexican food is better than chinese food. Jimmy mexican food is better than chinese food. It is almost the same thing. Jimmy almost. But not exactly. I have a period at the end of my sentence. I think hes watching us. What about this . Pay your bill and go home. Thats a good one. Jimmy theres fried rice in your goatee. Fortune cookie is like a wife. You may get a good one or you may not. Jimmy i like it. If you read this out loud, you will get syphilis. Wow, thats a good one. Jimmy yeah, thank you. So how are you doing . Jimmy i think were doing well. We wrote a bunch of them. I feel like the vetting committee will love them. It would be great if we could get an endorsement from you to the committee before we start. Excellent. Jimmy lets do it. Im really nervous right now. Me too. Im the last member of the committee. Jimmy youre the vetting committee . Yes, i am. Jimmy this is my friend guillermo. He will begin with my first idea. My first idea. Jimmy thats what i said. Read it. You are about to eat a cookie. Jimmy cute, right . Alice likes it. I got one. Jimmy thank you, alice. Maybe youll like mine more. How many orange chickens have to die before you people are happy . [ laughter ] we even lost alice on that one. Go ahead, guillermo. Dont order best if theyre not fresh. Jimmy you will soon be coming into a large sull of bed, bath and beyond coupons. Youre killing me. How about this . You will find love in a starbucks bathroom. Lucky numbers 13, 18, 27, 9. All thumbs down . Someone will buy you a tequila shot. Wow congratulations i got 100, yeah thank you very much thank you thank you i think we should maybe have a tequila shot. I happen to have some tequila. Jimmy i happen to have some shot glasses. How do you say cheers in chinese . Jimmy that was fun, huh . Nice people. Give me one of those Fortune Cookies, will you . Here. Jimmy thank you. Mine says, new and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you. Thats bad news for you. Let me read mine. You are about to get hit by a bus. Jimmy what . You are about to get hit by [ crash ] jimmy the one time the bus goes by. Tonight on the show we have music from fifth harmony and well be right back with David Letterman. Slept. Youre not you. Tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol®. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx helen fand every year, we get a giwe split it equally. Except for one of us. I write them a poem instead. And one for each of you too. And one for each of you too. Helen cool. That actually yours. That one. Yeah. Regardless, were stuck with the bill. To many, words are the most valuable currency. Last i checked, stores dont take words. Man some do. Oh. alert beeps not everyone can be the poetic voice of a generation. I know, right . Such a burden. Pay back a friend day is october 17th. Get the bank of america mobile banking app today. Get an instant pot or air sale fryer just 99. 99 cuddl duds sheets or throws 29. 99 plus take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more youll get kohls cash too. Right now at kohls. Show. That is the worlds most dangerous bandleader paul shaffer, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all this week. This is night two of pauls miniresidency with us. Like Britney Spears in las vegas. So you can call me brittney from now on. Jimmy i will do that. He is our mini resident tonight. Then, this is their selftitled album. Its called fifth harmony and so are they. Fifth harmony, live from the tidal x benefit concert just down the street at Barclays Center tomorrow night, howard stern will be here. Cardi b will be with us. And later this week, billy joel, tracy morgan, Woody Harrelson tony bennett, and maybe even a surprise or two along the way. Two very long years ago, our first guest left us to fend for ourselves. But hes back, thank goodness, with a new show on netflix and a very furry face. On sunday, he will receive the mark twain prize at the Kennedy Center. Please welcome David Letterman. [ cheers and applause ] [ applause ] jimmy thank you for being here. Im so excited to be here. It is so good to see famous people again. Just to be out of the house, ladies and gentlemen and paul, you didnt tell me you work here now. I was afraid to tell you. Thank you. Jimmy he goes by brittney now. How are you and thank you, everybody, very nice. Jimmy how are you doing . Ill tell you something. Youre looking at a man who is laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. I dont know if youve had this problem for a year. I have been looking high and low. I am determined to find a shirt that looks good untucked. I cant find one. Jimmy i think theres a website. Could it be that hard . Jimmy is this suit youre wearing from the late show . Or is this something you had to go out and get on your own . None of your business. Can i talk to you, jimmy . Jimmy yeah, sure. Talk. You know me, im a celebrity. Jimmy yeah. And when stuff happens, just to give you an example, ill start slow. Many its, many, many years ago my niece got married. When youre getting married, you want like a big thing and a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner and all that crap, and presents. So i thought long and hard and said i have to get big impressive presents because i am the top star of the day. I figured it out and you get a set of tires. And you wrap them up individually so you have four enormous gifts. And theyre tires. So i thought, well, this is fantastic. My work is done here. Who cares if they won them or if they use them . And then i think one time, because youre in show business and you would get the joke, i said to you, ties. Jimmy i didnt take it as a joke and in fact i will wearing one of the ties. Thats a beauty. That one shouldnt have gone out. Jimmy you sent me a few days after you left the late show, all of your ties. Im happy about that. And i am still delighted. And one time my agents son was having a bar mitzvah, sent him a pack of cigarettes. It is only a joke. We all understand that. You understand it. The kid understood it. Everybody did. So a couple years ago when i was either fired or i retired. Jimmy okay. All a blur now. And people were mindlessly saying nice things about me. You were effusive. Jimmy yes, yes. By the way, for the purpose of this conversation, i have nothing but the highest regard for all the talk show men and talk shows. Even jimmy fallon. Jimmy thats nice. Yeah. So people were saying nice things so i said, and conan obrian who is like some sort of god on mt. Olympus. He runs around telling people he went to harvard. We dont know. So he goes on my old show, the Stephen Colbert show. Jimmy on friday. He wrote something that was just beautiful. Do you remember that . The thing conan wrote for you . Yeah. No, i dont remember it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i happened to see this. Tonight on jimmys show, he is talking to an agent vagrant. The viewer guide will say that. So any way, conan, this beautiful thing. And i thought this is the perfect opportunity to send a [ bleep ] show business he gift. So i thought, do you know what ill do . Ill send him a horse. Thing hollywood you can get livestock and stuff for shows. And i get a couple of cowboys and ill send him out a horse. And the idea will be that hell have the horse on the show and the horse will take a dump on the show and it will be hilarious. Isnt that hilarious . Jimmy it is hilarious to send someone a horse. Yeah. So like two or three days later, i realized, oh, no, things have gone terribly wrong. I get this lovely letter from conan saying, my wife loves the horse and she is going to keep the horse because she is an etres treean. Im presbyterian. Are you jewish . No. So now im screwed because i was counting on her returning the horse and i would get my money back. Jimmy can you return a horse . Oh, yeah. A terrible discount. So i dont hear anything about it until conan shows up on the late show that i used to be on with Stephen Colbert. And now hes lost his mind. Did you see it . Jimmy i did. Was he like a crazy man . Jimmy not only did i see it but he complained to me personably the horse. Like its my fault . Jimmy well, you did send him the horse in all fairness. It was a joke. Take a dump on the stage. Load him up and get him back. Thats what it was. You dont think the horse knew what he was supposed to do . Not my problem. So now i didnt see it. From what i infer, as conan will not shut up about the horse. And the horse has gone crazy. Something happened. Maybe its been around conan all day. Jimmy the horse is said to be unrideable. Of course he is unrideable. All he had to do was take a dump on the stage. So now hes complaining like the may be litigation. And maybe ill get a call from peta. And apparently he broke into conans mansion . Jimmy the horse broke into his mansion . That i didnt hear. And one of conans servants was kicked in the head. Jimmy oh, boy, thats no good. So if you run into conan, it was supposed to be a joke. How crazy can the horse be . Jimmy horses can be crazy. I dont want to defend conan. It sounds like you are defending him. Jimmy bottom line, you need a better gift. Look at this. It is not kicking anybody in the head. [ cheers and applause ] for the sake of this, if i had sent you the horse, there would be none of this, my wife loves it. Were keeping the horse. I mean he has a half achor in studio city. Where is he going to keep the damn horse . Jimmy i think thats the question he was asking too. The point is no good deed goes unpunished. Jimmy when in doubt, an edible arrangement is a nice gift. David letterman is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live in brooklyn are brought to you by Google Home Mini powered by the google assistant. Ask it questions. Tell it to do things. A little help at home like only google can. They can fly. Travel at the speed of light. And command the currents. They dont need another way to get around. Or do they . [ engine revving ] that one. This. That one. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . When youre a doubledipping like steve sweeney, its important to maintain a certain. Lifestyle. Thats why sweeney spent over a hundred grand of his Campaign Funds on highpriced meals and other gifts. Were talking fine cigars, fancy watches, pricey restaurants, and expensive wines all to charm the type of folks who helped him raise your taxes 145 times. Too many in south jersey are struggling. But steve sweeneys looking out for himself, not for us. Jimmy David Letterman is in the guest chair. Again, im here but everybody here used to work for me. How did i end up without a show . Jimmy youre more than welcome to have this one. Then no one would have a well, we would be down to jimmy. Jimmy tell me about the netflix show if you would. Will there be a studio audience for the show . These good questions. Do you know what they do . Like do you have a movie you like . Jimmy spiderman. So you call them up. They have aware house somewhere. And somebody goes through and they finds spiderman. They get the disk is that they put in it an envelope with your name on it and they shoot him. Jimmy netflix isnt doing that anymore. Theyre not . Jimmy theres a whole new wallow over. I dont know anything about that. It increases the possibility of electrocution in your own hole. Jimmy do you have a title for the show . No. But were looking for interesting guests. Jimmy i heard you asked howard stern. Yeah, i think he would be good. He seems to be nervous about it. And any time you can get howard to be nervous, i think youve accomplished something. Jimmy you mentioned you would welcome donald trump and the pope together woflt that be together or separate . Ill tell you who we got. You know the whercommercial whe the guy saw as boat in half and weve got his brother. So were all set to go. Jimmy this event at Kennedy Center thats happening, are you feel more comfortable now . Accepting more accolades . No, no, it is a fixed fight. They have to have somebody show up and im not doing anything. So i said ill be there. And by the way, thank you for your participation. Jimmy thank you for asking me. I would have been devastated if you havent. I almost felt like you asked me because you knew how upset i would be if i were excluded from the event. Thats true. Youre not thinking about it. Jimmy this network . Eventually, sure. How long have you been here . Jimmy almost 15 years. It will be 15 years in january. Time to go . No. Youre right where you want to be now. Jimmy i guess so. Do you feel like you miss it . No no some parts. I miss wearing makeup. Jimmy sure. Thats the best. Do you like the band or not . Its a terrific band and we get to wear makeup and play music. We have it made up here. Jimmy what do you think the old band thinks seeing you guys . Absolutely pissed. Jimmy ive heard you say youre an entirely different person. I am. Thank god because the great struggle in life i