President trump tweeted this morning as part of one of his paranoid antimedia rants the people were protrump, virtually no president has accomplished what we have accomplished in the first nine months, an economy roaring. Hes right, no president has ever accomplished what hes accomplished. After nine short months we have more Nuclear Weapons pointed at us than ever before in the history of the united states. The president is overcompensating a bit because he had a rough day yesterday. A candidate he worked very hard to endorse in alabama lost his election. Senator Luther Strange lost his republican primary runoff to ray moore by 10 points which was very disappointing are president. Usually when trump goes allin on a loser its a casino with his name on it, at least he makes some money. [ cheers and applause ] it was an embarrassing blow to his ego. He even went so far as to do something he never does, he deleted three tweets today, where he bragged about how well Luther Strange was doing because of his endorsement. Moore got his endorsement from Phil Robertson of duck dynasty, in case you worried america wasnt officially a reality show yet. Roy moore is a terrible person. He called the 9 11 attacks divine intervention and hates gay people so much, there is literally no way he didnt one of them. I mean, he has to be. [ laughter ] roy moore actually called for outlawing homosexuality. Not gay marriage. Gay. Okay . And pulled a handgun on stage at a campaign rally. So of course donald trump today tweeted, he sounds like a really great guy who ran a fantastic race. So who settle he isnt reaching across the aisle in between failing with Luther Strange, who by the way is now back to work trying to kill superman, and the failed grahamcassidy health care bill, it has been a bad week for donald trump. But hes not one to admit defeat. He was full of both b and s today at the white house. He tried to claim they have the votes to beat obamacare. I just wanted to say on health care, we have the votes for health care. Jimmy no, you dont, but go on. We have one senator thats in the hospital. He cant vote because hes in the hospital. Im almost certain we have the votes. But with one man in the hospital, we cannot just claim that we have them. We hive tave the votes. We cant do it now because we have somebody in the hospital sir, whos in the hospital, which senator are you referring to . In other words, he cant come here and vote because hes in the hospital. Who is in the hospital . Jimmy he doesnt know whos in the hospital [ laughter ] [ applause ] somebodys in the hospital, okay . Why do you keep asking him whos in the hospital . The senator whose name he couldnt come up with is thad cochran of mississippi. Who moments after that comment tweeted, thanks for the well wishes, im not hospitalized. [ laughter ] im recuperating at home in mississippi and look forward to returning to work soon. There was no senator in the hospital. Even if he was there was still at least three other republicans against the bill which means grahamcassidy wouldnt have passed whether he was in the hospital. To recap, mr. President , there was no senator in the hospital, you didnt have the votes, is bill didnt pass and youre bad at math, okay . [ cheers and applause ] this is funny. Jared kushner, who of course is trumps adviser soninlaw, someone looked into this, noticed jared is registered to vote in the state of new york. And you see as gender female, as a woman. This is his official Voter Registration card. Gender, female. Party affiliation is none declared. Thats right. Hes not a republican or democrat. Hes just an independent woman. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hes registered as a woman in new york and in new jersey hes registered also, as gender unknown. Which according to his fatherinlaw means he cant serve in the military. [ laughter ] but how good is that . Jared kushner registered to vote as a woman . And he used the private email server for white house business. I say lock her up lock her up [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] lock her up so the president , he traveled to indianapolis today to give a sneak preview of his new tax plan. But im sorry, you shouldnt be allowed to release a tax plan until youve released a tax return. But he did anyway. He had a lot to say about this tax plan. He made a lot of claims, he threw out numbers, he talked about how much it costs to build the white house fence. Its a lot to digest. So we slowed him down to half speed for tonights indianapolis edition of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing slowly ] so i said, how much is the fence youre talking around the white house . Sir the fence will cost approximately 50 million. I said, what . I kid you not. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy why would he kid . The president is also doubling down on his war against the nfl. I should probably note trump has been ranting and raving at Football Players who chose to kneel during the National Anthem to protest racial injustice. Hes very opposed to men getting down on a knee, for good reason, every time he does i he ends up married to a woman who hates his guts. [ laughter ] the president called for boycott of teams that allowed these peaceful demonstrations, telling people to turn off the tv. How hilarious that Trump Supporters now have to stop watching football, bet you didnt see that coming. Maybe youll be swayed by the powerful story of discrimination shared by former notre dame football coach lou holtz. How do you think the coaches and the owners are handling this controversy this week . Well, i think its a real problem. And the reason is this. That its a workplace environment. Its just like working with walmart. Youre in a workplace, you have certain obligations in trying to please the customers as best you can. I say that theres an awful lot of things that happen in this country, but i want you to know ive been unfairly ticketed. I was given a ticket when i didnt exceed the speed limit because i was coaching at one school and the Patrol Officer graduated from the other and he let me know he was bitter. That happens in life. Jimmy you see, lou has been the victim of discrimination too. [ light laughter and applause ] jimmy not only did the cop give him a ticket, he confiscated his teeth [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know who else weighed in . All the way from russia, where he is now inexplicably a citizen, none other than Steven Seagal. I think its outrageous. I think its a joke. Its disgusting. And, you know, i respect the american flag. And i myself, you know, have risked my life countless times for the american flag. Jimmy right, he risked his life twice, actually. Once in under siege, another time in under siege 2. How dare these athletes disrespect his sacrifice . [ applause ] Steven Seagal also defended russias interference in the u. S. Election using the old everybodys doing it defense. Every country is involved in espionage. Every single country. The americans spy, the british spy, the russians spy, we all spy on each other, lest be honest. However, for anyone to think that Vladimir Putin had anything to do with fixing the elections or even that the russians have that kind of technology is is stupid. Jimmy hold on, i need to hear him say Vladimir Putin again. Vladimir putin. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy dubbed in someone elses voice, that is the best, i love that. He looks great too, doesnt he . Why does he look like he doesnt look like Steven Seagal. Somebody who went to cvs and bought a Steven Seagal costume on the way to a party. All right. Its time to get serious. Last night on the show i spoke up about an issue i feel very strongly about, an issue that could affect our lives for many generations to come. I urge you to call your congresspeople to tell them to put a stop to this. Pumpkin spice pizza. This is a real thing from a restaurant chain called villa italian kitchen. It is the latest atrocity in what i call the pumpkin spicing of america. We have Pumpkin Spice in everything now. Pumpkin spice almonds, waffles, m ms, ice cream, cream cheese, oatmeal, toaster strudel, there are Pumpkin Spice marshmallows, english muffins, oreos. We even have a Pumpkin Spice president for gods sake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it too is much. And i was going to leave that alone, but now that we have Pumpkin Spice pizza, something has to be done about this, somebody has to stand up hey im never going to stop, jimmy kimmel Pumpkin Spice is going to take over the world jimmy who are you . Pumpkin spice. Im Pumpkin Spice, bitch. You know youre going to bow down because this is my time. Jimmy no, no, im not. Listen, mr. Pumpkin spice call me pump daddy. Jimmy listen, pump daddy, youre totally off your lane here. You can have coffee, you can be in muffins, im okay with Pumpkin Spice oreos. Please, im begging you, stay off post pizza. Stay off pizza oh, pizzas just the beginning, sucker. Im working on Pumpkin Spice french fries. Pumpkin spice bacon. Pumpkin spice pickles. Pumpkin spice hot pockets. Jimmy Pumpkin Spice on the helicopters . Pumpkin spice underpants, Pumpkin Spice lego batman, Pumpkin Spice prilosec, Pumpkin SpiceSecurity Guards. Jimmy what is a Pumpkin SpiceSecurity Guard . See for yourself, over there, look. [ applause ] jimmy oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. What the hell have you done to my fguillermo . Hes my galairmo now. Jimmy guillermo. I dont like that at all. Hey, my girl wants to be on tv. Nutm nutmeg, get in here hey jimmy hi, how are you doing . Isnt she fine . Jimmy shes great. Honey, tonight youre getting a trick and a treat. Now carry me the [ bleep ] out of here. Jimmy oh, come on now. Well, im happy they found each other. All right. We are going to [ applause ] are we going to go with that for the whole rest of the show or what . Guillermo no way. Jimmy no, okay, all right. When we come back, we ask people on the street, do you have a condom on you . And what may very well be the greatest local commercial of alltime. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. With flavors youll love. Re like new savory grilled mediterranean shrimp. And new sweet and spicy Nashville Hot shrimp. Plus our classics like garlic shrimp scampi. 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New charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. And its softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. We all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin . Jimmy hi, welcome back to the show. Liam neeson, science Bob Pflugfelder, music from old dough mi dominion is coming. According to cdc, incidents of sexually transmitted diseases have reached a record high in the united states, more than 2 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis last year. We did it, guys, we made America Great again. [ cheers and applause ] serious thing, they say a number of factors are fueling this new epidemic. But mostly it comes down to tinder and bachelor in paradise. [ laughter ] did you ever carry a condom in your wallet . Guillermo, do you carry a condom in wallet . Guillermo never did. Jimmy i never did either, way is always a realist. [ laughter ] today i was wondering if people still do it. I thought it would be a good question to ask folks on the streets. This afternoon we went outside, asked people, are you carrying a condom on you . This is a game. We will see an individual, say hello, and then based solely on that introduction, we will guess, together, whether that person is holding a condom. Okay . Got it . Lets begin. Hi, whats your name, where are you from . Larry thomas from los angeles, california. Are you carrying a condom on you . Jimmy is larry from l. A. Seemed like he was holding a blunt in his hand or is that my imagination . Is he carrying a condom . Everyone says yes, lets find out. Yes no, sir. Jimmy he had to think about it for a second. Next up. Whats your name, where are you from . Ev vain hand, im from chicago, illinois. Are you carrying a condom on you . Jimmy is evan from chicago carrying a condom . Everybody says no. Lets find out. Im not. Why not . Im here for abstinence and purity, sunshine. [ laughter ] jimmy this is definitely the place for that. Hollywood boulevard, they call it purity central. All right, lets see another one. My name is martin from germany. Are you carrying a condom on you . Jimmy wow, everybody says yes. Does martin have a condom . Yes, i do. Do you want to see . Yeah. This side this side. Here it is. How long has that been there for . About four months. Jimmy it said lust on it too. Well, good luck to you and your weiner schnitzel. In germany condoms are called flugelhorns, thats a fact. Lee from philadelphia. I just moved here. Are you carrying a condom on you . Is emily carrying a condom . The audience is mixed. Actually yeah. Awesome. A magnum. Got to have some fun. Jimmy thats a healthy attitude. Emily might be setting someone up for an august award moment. Awkward moment. Oh, a magnum . Okay, we have one more, i believe. Whats your name, where are you from . Al, los angeles. Are you carrying a condom on you . Jimmy does al from los angeles have a condom on him . Lets find out. Uh no. Oh. You should. Okay. Its pretty weird out there. I guess so. Thank you. Jimmy you know, i always wondered if weird al carried a condom. Now we know. Should set him up with emily. Thats the fun thing about going outside, you dont know whos famous or whos posing as a famous person. I do want to say its important to use protection. But in the end the only truly safe sex is with a cantaloupe, okay . [ laughter ] as promised i am about to show you what i believe might be the greatest local ad ever made. This is a commercial for a dentist in jonesboro, arkansas. His names dr. Abernathy. Dr. Abernathy wanted to promote something calls pips which he uses to treat patients. He got a green screen and some very unlicensed footage. And the rest is now local tv history. Doctor, youve put away your traditional instruments. Whats wrong . Nothings wrong. I just dont need them. Instead of scraping around inside the root, lazers gently clean out the canal with pulses of light. Whoohoo you said it, han. Thanks to pips, root canal treatments are easier and more efficient than ever before. Theres no more need to fear root canal treatment. Laser dentistry is faster, less invasive, and much more comfortable than with traditi traditional drills. Look at how well it fixed this insurmountable problem from the dark side. You all may have the force, but i have pips. Jimmy wow. [ cheers and applause ] thats everything. The hawaiian shirt tucked into the pants. I think theres a very good chance this dental office will soon be hearing from a lawyers office. We have a good show, music from old dominion tonight, science Bob Pflugfelder is here, and we will be right back with liam neeson, so stay with us [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live brought to you by the middle earth shadow of war video game, in stores october 10th. Shadowofwar. Com. Fit the box, fit the mold have a seat in the foyer, take a number i was lightning before the thunder lightning and the thunder thunder, feel the thunder lightning and the thunder thunder, thunder thunder thunder the autumn carved turkey is back for a limited time at subway. So much turkey. Im going on a target run. You need anything . Toilet paper. Cereal. Maybe some chew toys. Got it. Get new lower prices on thousands of items. Target run and done. Jimmy hi, there, welcome back to the show. Tonight a man of great mystery and science but mostly science, science Bob Pflugfelder is here with demonstrations and explosions to delight and amaze. Like these. Jimmy and then if we survive that, they are nominated for not one but two cma awards, happy endings, old dominion from the mercedesbenz stage. Tomorrow night kaley cuoco will be here. David muir will join us, and well have music from the xx. Our first guest is an oscar and golden globenominated jedi knight who you should never borrow something from then forget to return it because he will hunt you down like a dog to get it back. His new movie about Richard Nixon and deep throat is called mark felt the man who brought down the white house. If we could get indictments, in your opinion, who would we get . How high . Maybe attorney general . What about the president . Jimmy mark felt the man who brought down the white house opens friday in new york and l. A. , please welcome liam neeson [ cheers and applause