Im glad youre here. Im glad were all here. Very nice. You know, there are a lot of things to dislike about l. A. Traffic, pollution, people. But its important i think its important sometimes to stop and appreciate the fact that, a, we dont have to scrape ice off our windshield every morning. And b, i can wear the same pair of tealcolored dolphin shorts to work every day since 1985. I appreciate it, and i like to think my coworkers appreciate it, i really do. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, i just swal heed a cough drop whole by accident. [ laughter ] what im saying is its a heroic act, me beg here right now. This is from loudoun county, virginia. This is a cautionary tale. It reminds us the importance of always checking for black ice before you go outside. Oooooh i have to say, i respect that hes able to laugh at himself enough to post that video. Or more likely i respected his wife was able to laugh at himself enough to post the video. Speaking of slippery places, at the white house the chief of staff, john kelley, is reportedly asking people who work at the white house whether or not theyre planning to stay on the job through the end of the year. Morale among staffers is reported to be low. Why, i have no idea, seems like everythings going great. [ laughter ] a lot of trump staffers want out. In fact, this video captured outside the white house after an allstaff meeting. [ laughter ] seems to indicate there is some unrest. I think i saw melania in there. [ laughter ] President Trump had his first Cabinet Meeting of the year today where, youre not going to believe this, he took time out to reaction to his bipartisan meeting yesterday with members of congress. Got great reviews by everybody other than two networks who were phenomenal for about two hours. Then after that, they were called by their bosses, oh, wait a minute. And unfortunately a lot of those anchors sent us letters saying that was one of the greatest meetings theyve ever witnessed. Jimmy really. A lot of those anchors sent you letters, saying it was one of the greatest meetings ever . I bet the handwriting on those letters looks a lot like kellyanne conways. [ laughter ] trump also unveiled one of the bigly items of his agenda for the new year. Something this is something every americans concerned about, and that is, strengthening libel laws to punish those who publish unflattering books about you. Our current libel laws are a sham. And a disgrace. And do not represent American Values or american fairness. So were look at that. We want fairness. You cant say things that are false, knowingly false. And be able to smile as money pours into your bank account. Jimmy oh [ laughter ] come on, now saying knowingly false things while the money pours into your bank account . Not only is that trumps Business Plan in its entirety [ laughter ] its literally what theyre going to write on his headstone. He knowingly said false things while money poured into his bank accounts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i really cant there are parakeets flying into mirrors that have more selfawareness than donald trump. [ laughter ] heres another one. Trump tweeted this this morning. The single greatest witch hunt in American History continues. There was no committee lose, everybody including the dems knows there was no collusion, yet on and on it goes, russia and the world is laughing at the stupidity they are witnessing, republicans should final control. Now first of all, republicans taking control, republicans have control of the senate, the house, and the white house. You cant give zero stars while youre driving the uber. [ laughter ] what more control can you take . [ applause ] secondly, im not a historian, but to me the greatest witch hunt in American History was the one where we were actually hunting witches. [ laughter ] it happened in salem in the 1600s. They executed 14 women, five men, and two dogs. Even if you and everyone who work for you is innocent, which some of them have already admitted theyre not that witch hunt was worse than this one. Unless theyre executing two of your dogs . For being witches . [ laughter ] yours isnt the greatest. Even the bad things that happen to him are the greatest. And as for the part about russia and the world laughing at our stupidity, yeah, well. When youre right, youre right, that one. They definitely are laughing. [ laughter ] heres some of our stupidity. The t directed official government websites to cut any mention of Climate Change or renewable energy. Those phrases are not permitted to appear on government websites. Which is actually a great idea. Instead of solving problems, we just stop talking about them. It could save a lot of money. For example, the National Cancer institute spent about 5 billion a year on research. What if instead of spending that money we changed the name of the thing to the National Institute . No more cancer. [ light laughter ] well then youre not going to like the rest of this. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] well, ill give it a try. What about the bird flu . What about ebola . We dont need to worry about ebola, we just replace the centers for disease control, we call it the centers for ease on down the road. [ laughter ] right . Last year we spent 300 billion on hurricanes . Change the National Weather service to the national nice weather service. [ laughter ] tenday forecast, 7 see, theres no problem that cannot be solved by sticking your head deeply enough in the sand. Its the trump way. The president , by the way, reached a major milestone yesterday. I dont feel like this has gotten enough attention. According to the washington post, which has been keeping track i guess, yesterday trump told his 2,000th lie since taking office. [ laughter ] happy lie2k, everybody. [ laughter ] 2,000 lies in 11 months. Hes averaging 5. 6 false claims a day. Which is impressive considering the fact hes only working about 2. 6 hours a day. [ laughter ] and all the while that hes lying, he is continually imploring us to just believe him. We are just getting started, believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe me. Believe. Jimmy you think abe lincoln ever said, believe me . Believe me, he did not. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the volume of fiction that comes out of his orange mouth is staggering. Its so brazen i almost cant help but admire it. I watch it and i go, 2,000 lies is an unprecedented achievement. Tonight were going to look back at his many prevarications with the Mini Documentary that shows us how we got to this remarkable moment in misrepresentation. I would say without a doubt it was the greatest achievement in the history of lying. To be honest, i inherited a mess. Its a mess. He is quite simply the babe ruth of [ bleep ]. Obamacare covers very few people. Donald trump makes tricky dick look like honest abe. I never met putin, i dont know who putin is. He said one nice thing about me, he is the greatest liar of alltime. Cspan presents, pants of fire the road to 2,000 lies. I, donald trump, do solemnly swear january 20th, 2017. Donald trump puts his hand on the bible and begins a historic journey to 2,000 lies. God looked down and he said, were not going to let it rain on your speech. And trump comes roaring out of the gate. He lies about the rain. The crowds. His Time Magazine covers. His victory marches. I guess it was the Biggest Electoral College win since ronald reagan. And this is week one. I said, he cannot sustain this pace. But trump was just getting started. By march he had amassed four times as many lies as any president had in two terms. You look at whats happening last night in sweden. Sweden sweden, that was a classic. Only trump could have lied that lie. You know, the cubaamericans, i have 84 of that vote. So many great lies. I mean, obamas wiretap . You saw what happened with surveillance. You stand by that claim . I dont stand by anything, i just you can take it the way you want. He even lied about lying. I think one of the greatest of all terms ive come up with is fake. I guess other people have used it perhaps over the years but ive never noticed it. Then there was twitter. Gamechanger. Twitter proved to be a critical platform as trump continued past 750 lies. Finally hitting 1,000 lies in august of his first year. Weve signed more bills, and im talking about through the legislature, than any president ever. For a while harry truman had us. His politifact numbers were off the charts. This is unheard of it was in the bag. But he didnt let up. If anything, he doubled down. He interviewed me for three hours in the white house, it didnt exist, okay, its in his imagination. After a long, arduous road, trump achieved the impossible. His 2,000th lie in office. We can build the wall in one year, and we can build it for much less money than what theyre talking about. Usa, usa, usa what can you compare it to . Michael phelps in 08 . Roger bannister running the fourminute mile . A young tiger woods . Its unfathomable. Hes got three more years. Or maybe even seven. Or maybe six months, who the hell knows . President trumps miraculous milestone in mendacity seems destined to stand the test of time. Bing Bing Bing Bing bing bing even if it should fall to some futur in the fake history books is forever secure thanks to his total lack of shame, unlimited capacity for [ bleep ], and his pants of fire. The American Dream is dead. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow, thank you, mr. President. On behalf of a grateful nation. We have to take a break. When we come back from the break, a special visit from peter and stewie from family guy. Stick around, well be right back resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only rty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. Extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. With advils fast relief, youll ask, what pulled muscle . What headache . Nothing works faster to make pain a distant memory. Advil liquigels and advil liquigels minis. What pain . I have to tell you something. Dad, one second i was driving and then the next. They just didnt stop and then. Im really sorry. I wrecked the subaru. I wrecked it. Youre ok. Thats all that matters. vo a lifetime commitment to getting them home safely. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. When it comes to presenting evidence, nobody does it better. Shes also this close to finding bigfoot. But when it comes to mortgages, shes less confident. Fortunately for megan, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so she can understand the details as few as eight minutes. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. Rocket mortgage by quicken loans. Welcome back to our show. Chris hemsworth,ar music from the great Alves Costello is on the way. I have a halls right here. By the way, i want to mention this. Those of you, anyone expecting a baby any time in the near future . Okay, all right, congratulations to you. Ikea has a special promotion you might be interested in. Allow me to present what is either the most creative or repulsive ad for baby furniture of alltime. Jimmy thats right, youre not seeing things. If youre pregnant, you pee on the ad. [ laughter ] and theyll give you a deal on a crib. Which if youre not pregnant, why would you even buy a crib, you weirdo . [ laughter ] [ applause ] its only available in sweden but its getting a lot of attention. A story here in los angeles is jumping on the bandwagon with the sale that isnt limited to women or cribs. Ikea wants you to pee on an ad and get a discount on a crib . I say, eye sea yeah shmikea. Murrays Home Furniture warehouse, you can pee on any piece of furniture in the store and get it 20 off, any piece of furnitu furniture pee on a sofa, 20 off. Pee on a rug, 20 off. Bunk beds, sealy posture, pee on all of them, get 20 off. Ask one of my satisfied customers. I came in and peed on an ottoman, got 20 off. Easy as one, two, pee come to murrays Home Furniture warehouse where our prices are guaranteed lowest or your purchase is pee announcer this offer is illegal. Jimmy oh, well, forget it, then. Hey, were only i dont know if you know this, if you keep track, were days away from a Major Television milestone. One of americas most beloved and longestrunning comedy shows is hitting a big number this week. In fact, its celebrating its 300th episode on sunday. And tonight were fortunate enough to be joined by two of the stars of the show. Please say hello to Peter Griffin and his son stewie from family guy. Its just family guy, yes. Were about to celebrate our 300th episode on another network. Thats right, im not afraid to say it, another net. Jimmy its okay to say fox. Youre halfway to the simpsons now. How many episodes did the simpsons have . 40,000 . Listen, im sorry they again, thats just the way it goes. Ask seth mcfarland, they almost never ask a host back a second time. Jimmy actually, they did ask me back a second time. Oh, well, god bless you. Yeah, we love jimmy kimmel. Your initials are j. K. i love you, j. K. , youre my favorite latenight talk show host, j. K. , i never miss an episode, j. K. Jimmy i get it. Saying j. K. Like just kidding. I think youre hilarious, just kidding i mean, j. K. Did i do it . You did one. Jimmy i thought you didnt understand the baby. Oh, look who saw the pilot. [ laughter ] jimmy ive actually been watching for a long time, thank you very much. Weve been watching you a long time too. We loved your prem program the man show. Remember that . Girls bouncing around on trampolines and you and some hairy guy saying things that might not play in this day and age. [ laughter ] jimmy i dont remember that at all, i think i was drunk during that period of my life. Lets focus on for episode 300 . Thats what we call a pivot. Its something with a dog and a baby, i dont know. Jimmy its going to be something with a dog and a baby, everybody, i like that. [ applause ] i want did say congratulations. Peter griffin and Stewie Griffin from the family guy. Wait, i have a joke for when you host the oscars. Harvey weinstein is watering his plants jimmy you guys can probably keep that one for yourselves. Thank you, stewie and peter. Tonight on the show, music from Elvis Costello, darren criss is here, be right back with Chris Hemsworth so stick around [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by zip recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Try it for free at ziprecruiter. Com live. With 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. at least your taxes are free. In the lincoln continental. [laughing] intuit turbotax. Directv has been rated number one in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 ble. Rs running. But some peoplee just like some people like preshaken sodas. Having their seat kicked on an airplane. Being rammed by a shopping cart. Sitting in gum. And walking into a glass door. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, call 1800directv. Trust 1 doctor recommended dulcolax. Use dulcolax tablets for gentle dependable relief. S. And dulcoease for comfortable relief of hard stools. Dulcolax. Designed for dependable relief. Jimmy welcome back. Tonight on the show, from the assassination of Gianni VersaceAmerican Crime story, which starts on fx next wednesday, darren criss is here. [ cheers and applause ] then, one of the greats, and one of my favorites of alltime. With his song from the movie film stars dont die in liverpool, Elvis Costello from the mercedesbenz stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see elvis in las vegas at the wynns encore theater from february 28 to march 10. Elvis is also going to do a performance of his great song alison that you can watch in its entirety on our Youtube Channel later on tonight. Tomorrow night, Annette Bening will be here, director Paul Thomas Anderson will join us, and well have music from sylvan esso. Please join us for all that. Our first guest tonight has given his heart, soul, and beautiful blonde hair to Marvel Comics as the mighty thor. Next, he tackles a reallife hero, as a green beret in 12 strong. It opens in theaters january 19th. Please welcome Chris Hemsworth. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy whats happening . Thank you very much. Just wrapped avengers a couple of days ago. Jimmy which one . Three and four. Jimmy that could be it, that could be all the avengers . Yeah, we shot most of last year, back to back. It was a long, long shoot. Jimmy has it sunk in this could be the last time you ever see the hulk again . [ laughter ] stop looking at the green tennis ball that represents the hulk . [ laughter ] its funny, we were the last couple of months had just felt like you wanted to get to the end. All of us were like, how many more days left . This last week i was sitting there and as they wrapped me, all of a sudden it hit me, wait a second, i didnt soak this up enough, i didnt maximize, i didnt say goodbye to everyone, whatever. Weve been doing this seven years or something you. Jimmy yeah, and its something that everybody will remember forever, really. It feels like im a fan of that world and what were a part of as much as everybody. Jimmy did you steal a hammer, at least . Take a hammer home . A few. [ laughter ] jimmy a few. How many hammers do