Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20180201

And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 814, p. A. steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my goodness thank you very much [ cheers and applause ] welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here thank you heres what people are talking about. Of course, last night was president trumps first state of the Union Address. Some people watched it on nbc. Some people watched it on cnn. While most people watched it on mute. [ laughter and applause ] i read that trumps speech fell nine minutes short of breaking president clintons record for the longest state of the union. And when he heard that, trump grabbed the mic and spent ten minutes reading the itunes user agreement. [ laughter and applause ] by using this software, i agree he also said america is a a nation of builders, and that we built the Empire State Building in just one year. Then he ruined it by congratulating bob the builder. [ laughter ] robert builder, are you here . [ applause ] please stand up. This is pretty big. Trump announced that he signed an executive order to keep Guantanamo Bay open. Of course, trump thinks Guantanamo Bay is a water park at six flags. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its so much fun. Have you ever done a lazy river . I saw that First Lady Melania Trump held her own white house reception before the state of the union. Yep, even the first lady was like, ive got to drink before this thing. [ laughter ] double. Make it a double. Oh, this isnt good. I saw that trumps nominee to be the new ambassador to chile is facing criticism because he apparently doesnt know much spanish. [ light laughter ] but trump is trying to get him up to speed. In fact, he even made a helpful video where he translates some common spanish phrases. Take a look at this. Welcome to the donald trump spanishtoenglish translation guide. Lets begin. Hasta manana. Hashtag melania. [ laughter ] habla mas despacio. Please sing despacito. Hola, me llamo donald. Hello, this is my llama, donald. No entiendo. I dont have a nintendo. And finally, eres muy hermoso. Where is omarosa . [ laughter and applause ] jimmy very interesting. Very interesting, right . That will help. Steve that will help everybody Everybody Wins jimmy i saw that yesterday a glitch kept sending iphones the same cnn news alert over and over again. But if i wanted to be annoyed by the same cnn news alert over and over, id just watch cnn for five minutes. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, this is pretty crazy. I read that nasa just found a a satellite thats been missing for 13 years. Its hard to believe, but for 13 years, an astronaut has been wandering through space like this. [ car alert beeping ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] we have a great show tonight. Give it up for the roots, ladies and gentlemen [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah, thank you, roots hey, guys, do not forget, this weekend we are taking the tonight show on the road. Thats right [ cheers and applause ] we ae headed to minneapolis, minnesota, for a live show after super bowl lii. Its a giant show. Dwayne johnson is going to be there. [ cheers and applause ] and were going to be talking to him and then were going to air the world premier for the trailer of his brandnew action movie, skyscraper. Steve ooh. Jimmy thats gonna be fun, yeah. Plus, the awardwinning cast of this is us will be on the show. [ cheers and applause ] everyone knows theyve got a a big episode coming up sunday night. I mean, im crying already. [ light laughter ] i already i just have a a feeling whats going to go down. Steve its gonna be a lot of weeping. Jimmy people are going to be talking about this. But theyre going to come on the show and theyre going to talk to us. And it will be fun. And then we have the star of the super bowl halftime show. [ drum roll ] he has a new album, man of the woods. It comes out on friday. Justin timberlake will be with us [ cheers and applause ] steve jt jimmy Justin Timberlake Justin Timberlake. He will be talking. He will be performing. We have some other fun stuff planned. Some surprises. I cant wait. Its going to be fantastic, you guys. Super bowl [ cheers and applause ] super bowl sunday, after the super bowl, its us. Speaking of the super bowl, i did this fun thing for the super bowl. I did a thing with pepsi. Ive done things with them before. And its a cool thing. Youll see it super bowl sunday. And i said, you know what i always wanted to do . Something on that pepsicola sign thats on the east river. Do you know it, here in new york city . Steve oh, yeah. Jimmy if you drive by the its a beautiful old the pepsicola sign is giant. Anyway they said, yeah, well do that. They put me up on on the sign. [ light laughter ] the most frightening thing that ever happened to me. I just want to tell you this, because if you see it, i dont want you to think its cgi. [ laughter ] i was actually an idiot and got on top of this thing. But i think we have video of me going up. Like theres me. I had to get in a cherry picker just to lift me up. Steve was it warm out . Jimmy its the coldest look at this. Im on im sitting on the s of the pepsicola sign. [ laughter ] im five stories up. It is freezing, icecold. And then there i am, coming down. [ beeping ] im just [ laughter ] how happy im so happy to see the ground. Steve oh, my gosh jimmy they had a harness on my back. It was i was going up in the cherry picker, and im like, im going to bail. Im going to bail on this. Im like, i cant do it, i cant do it. And then i went to the second catwalk and then the cherry picker kind of stops a little bit going up. And i was so its like going up the longest roller coaster. [ light laughter ] and i was just so nervous, and i got clipped every, like, five feet in case the thing just the thing fell down, i would go down with it, so i dont know why im clamped. Anyways, but then i had to sit over the s, and, like do and do stuff. Steve it looks like you froze your s off. [ laughter ] jimmy no, i just steve lucky you werent sitting on the p. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy anyway, it was so fun. And if you saw if you saw at the end there, that was a drone camera that filmed the whole thing. So no camera man in his right mind steve is gonna risk his life. Jimmy would be up there. No smart human being would be up there. Thats why im chained to the sign up there. But anyways, check it out. Its on super bowl sunday sometime during the super bowl. Im not going to say what time its on. Steve hmmmhmmm. Jimmy hmmhmm. Steve hmmhmm. [ mumbling ] [ light laughter ] steve i aint gonna say nothing. Jimmy anyway. Its gonna be fun. Anyways, and just check that out. [ cheers and applause ] i cant wait. I cant wait to be in minneapolis. Steve i Love Minneapolis jimmy im excited to go there. Ive never been. Steve ive been many times. Jimmy its always fun doing the show in a different city. You get to meet new people, you get to try new foods. I heard they have great food there. A juicy lucy. Do you know what im talking about . Steve mmhmmm. [ light laughter ] thats the hamburger . Jimmy you know what im talking about quest . Questlove whats a juicy lucy . Steve with the cheese inside . Jimmy yeah, it is a a hamburger with like a chunk of cheese on the inside or something that melts on the inside. So when you bite into the cheeseburger, you get scalded by hot cheese. [ laughter ] steve its like a meat hot pocket. Jimmy its like a meat hot pocket, yeah. Thank you, higgins. Thats what i was looking for. [ light laughter ] but hey, i got to thinking about this. Maybe instead of going to a a restaurant, ill just show up at some random persons house for dinner. Bring a bottle of wine. Steve yeah. [ applause ] jimmy hang out. Meet the family. [ cheers and applause ] so then we got a little more organized here. So if you guys want me to come to your house for dinner, email jimmyvisitsminnesota tonightsho. [ laughter ] give me a recipe that youre going to make for dinner, a a special recipe, a family recipe and a reason why i should come to your house. Meet the family, meet the kids. And im going to show up. Im going to come and it will be fun. [ cheers and applause ] put the whole thing on facebook live. I cannot wait i love you, minnesota i cannot wait [ applause ] but first, we have a fun show tonight. She will be cohosting the 2 2018 winter olympic Opening Ceremony here on nbc. Katie couric is stopping by [ cheers and applause ] plus, shes one of the stars of the new movie, Fifty Shades Freed. Were talking to rita ora tonight steve oh [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and rita is also performing a brandnew song from that movies sound track with liam payne to close the show. [ cheers and applause ] it is going to be good steve oh jimmy Fifty Shades Freed. Guys, it is time for screen grabs. Here we go. Makes me wanna screen grab jimmy now these are some weird, funny things that you guys have found on the internet or other places and then sent into us. This first screen grab was sent in by dan olson in hastings, minnesota. He was watching his local news and spotted this. Land o lakes dog show. Down here it says, dogs are not allowed. [ laughter and applause ] going to be an interesting show. Steve very good show. Jimmy its a very interesting show. This next one was sent in by sara leoni in san tan valley, arizona. She was looking at facebook and saw this for sale. Tool thing. I dont know what this is, just make me an offer. [ laughter and applause ] i dont know what it is. Steve its a tool thing. Jimmy it ended up in my garage, ill sell it to you for whatever. This next screen grab was sent in by randy hile in phoenix, arizona. He was watching his local news and saw this. Bank robbery arrest. 10yearold accused of bank robbery. Has criminal history. [ applause ] steve wow. Jimmy great old man, this guy. This next one was sent in by Matthew Scott right here in brooklyn, new york. Its an article he spotted online. Lets see what it says. Jetblue is hiring pilots. No experience necessary. [ laughter and applause ] steve hey, why not, man . Give it a try. Jimmy as long as you have fun, thats all that matters. Steve who are we to judge . Jimmy just have fun. This next one was sent in by riley sirovcheck in toronto, canada. He was searching for a gym and came across this one here. Anytime fitness. Closed now. [ laughter and applause ] might want to change the name. This next one was sent in by tess ginardi in philadelphia. She got an email from Banana Republic that said, why every guy needs a polo in his arse. [ laughter and applause ] arsenal. If you click on it, you need a a polo in your arsenal. Steve arsenal. Arsenal, yeah, sure. Jimmy were down to our last one here. Its from stephanie macik in cleveland, ohio. She spotted a photo of a guy online. She thinks that he looks a lot like me. I dont know if i see it. Take a look at this guy here. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i dont know if that looks like me at all. I dont know. Let me try something now. [ applause ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah [ laughter ] jimmy im kind of digging this right here. Thats all the time we have for screen grabs, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] if you have a funny screen grab, email it to us at screengrabs tonightshow. Com. We might put it on the show. Stick around after the break. We have puppies predicting the super bowl. Check it out [ cheers and applause ] iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim Colonel Sanders oh, same as always absolutely nothings changed oh please ignore any likeness to Famous Country singers im definitely not a woman oh wait, theres one thing thats new about me its my Smoky Mountain barbecue its Finger Lickin good what happens now. Determines what happens to the rest of the world. Lets go experience aweinspiring performance in the 2018 lexus lc 500. This never gets old. Experience amazing. See Marvel Studios black panther in theaters feb 16th. See Marvel Studios black panther new year, new phones for the family. Join tmobile, and when you buy one of the latest Samsung Galaxy phones get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. Yahoooo ahoooo plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. Spectacular so, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new Samsung Phones. Whoa join the uncarrier and get a Samsung Galaxy s8 free. All on americas best unlimited network. Its not just something we say when you arrive. The warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. So come on over. Well give you the inside track. And let you into some Little Secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. Welcome to ireland. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back, everybody guys, super bowl lii is this sunday. We will be there in minneapolis doing the tonight show live right after the game. Im very excited for that. And i am pumped for the big game. Youve got the new England Patriots taking on the Philadelphia Eagles [ cheers and applause ] they both have amazing offenses, strong defenses. They have brilliant coaches. Its nearly impossible to predict to who is going to win. But youre in luck, because when it comes to predicting things, we have a secret weapon and its puppies. [ cheers and applause ] thats right, ladies and gentlemen, its time for the puppy predictors super bowl lii edition here we go. [ cheers and applause ] its the puppy predictors jimmy welcome to the puppy predictors super bowl lii edition. Heres how it works we have 11 puppies. [ audience aws ] we have two bowls of kibble. [ light laughter ] one representing the new England Patriots. The other representing the Philadelphia Eagles. Whichever teams bowl gets the most puppies will be crowned the super bowl champs. [ cheers and applause ] now, lets meet the puppies [ cheers and applause ] [ audience aws ] jimmy hi guys. Guys, we have ron bell. Cal mcadams. Mary kennedy. Ted mooney. Donna braylon. Peter winston. Roger blaine. Lisa armstrong. Bruce devins. Angie griffin. And gary frick jr. [ applause ] now, listen up. Before we release you, okay, i want no i want no whining, no buttsniffing, no colluding. [ laughter ] gary, gary frick jr. , get over here. Gary, pay attention. Gary pay atten yes, very good. [ laughter ] now, look. You guys ready to do this . And see who are going to be the super bowl champs . All right. Here we go. Release the puppies. [ audience aws ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, its a tight oh, looks like a landslide. The new England Patriots are the super bowl champs [ cheers and applause ] [ dinging ] the new England Patriots will be crowned the super bowl champs. Enjoy the game, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with katie couric. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] hi. Im the one clocking in when youre clocking out. Sensing your every move and automatically adjusting to help you stay effortlessly comfortable. I can also help with this. Does your bed do that . Oh. I dont actually talk. Though im smart enough to. Im the new sleep number 360 smart bed. Lets meet at a sleep number store. And were gonna get the phone his phone,ry sorry. Uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceactivated doubletone okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. Burned me up and down, shno way to cool it. Every time you kiss me its like sunshine and whiskey like a bottle of jack straight to the head. One shot, two shot, copper tone red. Every time you kiss me its like sunshine and whiskey. Applebees handcrafted burgers. Any burger just 7. 99. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Oh theres one. A the sea cow manatees in novelty ts . Surprising. Whats come at me bro . Its something you say to a friend. Whats not surprising . How much money matt saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. At at t, buy one iphone 8 and get one on us. Thats one for you, and one for. Your bbf your backup singer. Your frenemy your boo your roomie so one phone for you and one phone for someone in your squad. Buy an iphone 8 and get a second iphone 8 on us. Do you always put cheezit grooves in your sandwich . Of course. Theyre chips. Chips plus sandwich equals the perfect lunch. Oh dont forget the pickle. Its kind of a big dill. More cheezit variety, more cheese flavours. Because real cheese matters. More cheese flavours. In the state with more ski mountains than any other, family fun reaches a new peak. So whether youre a speed demon or more of a snow angel, your winter chariot awaits. Pick the best peak for your family getaway at iloveny. Com new york state. Its all here. Its only here. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy our first guest will be cohosting the 2 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony on february 9th, right here on nbc. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome katie couric [ cheers and applause ] jimmy katie couric [ cheers and applause ] oh, come on katie hi jimmy hey, we love you. I am so happy to see you, jimmy. Jimmy im so happy to see you. And hi, everybody. Jimmy yeah this is a a rare thing to say, cause i cant say this of that many people, but youve actually hosted the tonight show before. Thats right. Back in the dark ages, in 2003. Do you remember that at all . Jimmy 2003, oh, please. So jay leno and i switched places. I was anchoring the today show. We came up with this idea that we were going to do this job swap. So theres me at the desk in l. A. And jay leno did the today show. Jimmy from new york or from yes, he did it from new york. Jimmy how fun was that . What do you remember about it . Well, its really hard. This job is really hard, jimmy. Jimmy thank you. Thank you so much. [ light laughter ] thank you. Its really and i remember sitting around a a big circular table, and all the guys w

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