[ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the senate reached a deal this afternoon to reopen the government. Though its a little like when theres a power outage and then the lights come back on and you see how crappy your apartment is. [ laughter ] yay oh right. The senate reached a deal this afternoon to reopen the government, after Senate Majority leader Mitch Mcconnell promised to take up an immigration bill that included protections for daca recipients. I dont know, is that a face you can trust . I dont even trust that to be a face. [ laughter ] it looks looks like bill gates tried to paint a selfportrait with a blindfold on. To try to avoid the Government Shutdown, President Trump sat down with Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer on friday over cheeseburgers. Are you gonna finish that, said schumer about trumps first term. [ laughter and applause ] over over the weekend, the white house released a photo showing President Trump working during the Government Shutdown. Heres the photo. [ laughter ] classic a classic example of a powerful executive hard at work. Empty office. Empty desk. [ light laughter ] and then theres trump looking completely natural on a phone. But the white house didnt say who he was talking to, so were left to guess whos trump calling . [ light laughter ] seth a reporter at the New York Times to brag that his phone cord is 63 long. The other phone right next to it. [ light laughter ] ghostbusters, because he just saw eric in the hallway. [ laughter ] 1877cars4kids. [ light laughter ] 911, to tell them he sat down and he cant get up. [ laughter ] trying to get his phone to spell out boobs like his calculator. [ laughter ] dialing the first nine digits of putins phone number over and over again before getting nervous and hanging up. [ laughter ] and finally, Building Maintenance to tell them the corners of his office are missing. [ laughter and applause ] this has been whos trump calling . [ applause ] Vice President mike pence, today, called reports claiming that President Trump had an affair with an adult film star nothing more than baseless allegations. Thats right, its just another case of she said he paid. [ laughter and applause ] a new abc Washington Post poll has found that voters are nearly evenly split on whether President Trump is mentally stable. Said trump, so its 40 40 . [ light laughter ] according to an interview with adult film star stormy daniels, President Trump is afraid of sharks. And once told her, i hope all sharks die. [ light laughter ] right back at ya, said sharks. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this week for a limited time, taco bell will begin selling french fries. So even in the shutdown, trump is still signing executive orders. [ laughter ] amazon has opened its first Cashierless Convenience store in seattle. But theyve already been oneupped by cvs, whose stores apparently have no employees at all. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hello . I need my pills Delta Airlines has announced that it is tightening restrictions on support animals that can be brought onboard flights. While Spirit Airlines is loosening them. [ laughter and applause ] and finally very exciting. Thanks to newly developed technology, we here at late night now have the ability to record the tiny voice that is inside Donald Trumps head. And you might be surprised to know that like everyones inner voice, we all have them, Donald Trumps is filled with paralyzing fear and selfdoubt. So here it is, the tiny voice in the back of Donald Trumps head. Hey, donald. Its the tiny voice in the back of your head. And im letting you know that your greatest fear is true no one likes or respects you. The two World Leaders youre standing between are embarrassed to be on stage with you right now. As soon as this is over, theyre going to go to dinner and talk about you. Theyre going to talk about how weird it is that a 70yearold man cant stand still and always has to swing his body around like a first grader who has to pee. [ laughter ] and then theyll probably talk about a bunch of stuff you dont understand like politics and countries and sanity. And theyre not going to invite you to dinner. You know what youre going to do for dinner . Youre going to eat a cheeseburger in bed. Sad [ cheers and applause ] seth we have got a great show for you tonight hes starring on broadway in his oneman show, stories by heart. John lithgow is back on the show, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] there he is. Star of a great new film and a fantastic actress. Mom and dads selma blair is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and cocreator of one of the funniest shows on television, comedy centrals drunk history. Derek waters rejoins us on late night. [ cheers and applause ] so youre here on a great night. Before we get to that, the oneyear anniversary of President Trumps inauguration was marked this weekend by nationwide protests and a Government Shutdown that ended today, despite trump doing as little as possible it resolve it. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth its been a year since trumps inauguration and the historic womens marches that followed. And on saturday, we saw yet again that the womens march wasnt merely a onetime phenomenon, but a sustained movement unlike anything the countrys seen in decades. Women across the country were on the march today. Thousands took to the streets from coast to coast. They rallied for a variety of causes, with a focus on having their voices heard in novembers midterm elections. Taking to the streets in over 300 rallies in all 50 states. But it just wasnt in the u. S. Where women and ch where women marched. This was the scene in nova scotia, where half the town of sandy cove also participated in the womens march. Seth wow. Half the town was protesting. That, i have to say [ applause ] thats got to be super awkward for people who werent there. [ light laughter ] dale, i didnt see you at the womens march. Oh, yeah, was it a good turnout . Half, dale it was half [ light laughter ] of course, one of the best parts of any protests are the signs. And this year it was especially refreshing to see children participating. Like this sign that said vote for women. This sign that said boys are equal to girls and girls are equal to boys. And then there was this little girl who clearly got to write her own sign. [ laughter and applause ] although to be fair, its possible she spent more time on that than the Trump Administration did on the original travel ban. [ cheers and applause ] dont forget dont forget the purple circles the purple circles make it legally airtight. Of course, trump who was cooped up in the white house all weekend watching coverage of the protests, couldnt help but weigh in tweeting beautiful weather all over our great country. A perfect day for all women to march. Get out there now to celebrate the historic milestones and unprecedented economic success and Wealth Creation that has taken place over the last 12 months. Lowest female unemployment in 18 years. Dude, you know thats not why they were marching. [ laughter ] trumps the kind of guy who if he came home to find his wife dumped all his clothes on the sidewalk would say to her, i get it. You want to see me naked. [ laughter and applause ] i pick up on stuff. I pick up on stuff. So the oneyear anniversary of trumps inauguration saw a second Straight Year of sustained nationwide protests. But, of course, it wasnt just the protests that marred trumps celebration. The government is shut down for the first time in more than four years. The art of the deal president could not reach that deal with democrats and a few republicans. And just a few hours ago they marked the oneyear anniversary of his presidency by rejecting a budget bill. This is the first time in modern history, the first time in modern u. S. History, that a party thats controlled the house, the senate, and the white house, has had a Government Shutdown on their watch. Seth you got to hand it to trump, he finally did something no other president has ever done. Bush couldnt do it. Obama couldnt. We made history. We made history. Now trump has, of course, tried to claim its actually democrats who will suffer politically from the shutdown, tweeting over the weekend this is the oneyear anniversary of my presidency and the democrats wanted to give any a nice present. Democratshutdown. But theres at least one immutable law of physics that still applies in washington. For each trump quote, theres an equal and opposite trump quote. [ light laughter ] and the question of whos to blame for Government Shutdowns is no exception, because when obama was president , trump was very clear about who was to blame. Whos going to bear the brunt of the responsibility if, indeed, there is a shutdown of our government . Well, if you say who gets fired, it always has to be the top. I mean, problems start from the top and they have to get solved from the top and the president s the leader. In 25 years, in 50 years, in 100 years from now, when the government is you know, they talk about the Government Shutdown, theyre going to be talking about the president of the United States. Who was the president at that time . If there is a shutdown, i think it would be a tremendously negative mark on the president of the United States. I hear the democrats are going to be blamed and the republicans are going to be blamed. I actually think the president would be blamed. [ laughter ] seth theres literally literally [ cheers and applause ] not one situation where there isnt an old trump quote that completely contradicts his current position. I wouldnt be surprised if theres an old trump tweet out there that says only a loser would wear a baseball cap with a suit. [ laughter ] in fact, trump was asked point blank in 2011 how he would handle a potential shutdown differently from thenpresident obama. And in retrospect, lets say he was a little overconfident. Im a deal man. I made hundreds and hundreds of deals and transactions. He never did deals before. How can you expect a man thats not a deal man, that never did a deal other than, frankly, becoming president of the United States, he never did a deal. How is he going to corral all these people . So how would you do it now . Youre in the oval office right now, its wednesday i would get everybody together and wed have a budget and it would get done. Theyve all gotten together. Well, thats because they dont have the right leader. You dont have the right leader. This is the president of the United States has to get this done. But its pretty sad, because the whole world is looking at us and laughing at us. [ laughter and applause ] seth its amazing. I agree with everything he just said. Of course, in reality, republicans control all three branches of government. And on top of that, we have a president who repeatedly sold himself on the campaign trail as an ultimate dealmaker. We need a president thats going to be able to make deals, great deals. I wanna make great deals. Thats what it is. For the people. I do hundreds of deals. I do the deals come out of my ears. If you cant make a good deal with a politician, then theres something wrong you. Youre certainly not very good. You cant leave the white house, go to hawaii and play golf for three weeks and be a real dealmaker. [ audience ohs ] it doesnt work that way. Seth thats right. You cant go to hawaii to play golf and be a dealmaker. You have to go to florida [ laughter ] and you cant do it for three weeks. You have to do it for an entire year. [ laughter ] and yet even as the Government Shutdown ended, the selfproclaimed deal man was m. I. A. Completely absent from the negotiations and leaving everyone confused about where he stood. In fact, in order to counter that growing impression that trump was sitting around doing nothing, the white house released a series of official photos of what they called president donald j. Trump working in the white house during the democrat shutdown. Including this photo of trump walking around. This photo of trump talking to people. And this photo of trump supposedly on the phone. Look at him. Hello, police . Come quick, somebody stole all the work off my desk. [ laughter ] you know, you dont really look like youre working when youre staring directly at the camera. [ light laughter ] you look like you just got busted having phone sex. I gotta call you back. [ applause ] the main reason the government was in this mess in the first place was that trump doesnt know what he believes, other than the fact that he spent the entire campaign promising to build a wall. And now his partys scrambling to find a way to follow through on that promise, even though they know its absurd. Even trumps chief of staff john kelly reportedly told lawmakers trumps promises on the wall were uninformed and is now saying the socalled wall doesnt even have to be an actual physical barrier. Did he really say the president was uninformed on the wall . Yes. Well, i had a meeting. I was sitting right next to him, next to mr. Kelly and heres what he said. He said, the president of the United States, when he was campaigning, made promises that were not fully informed. He said ive educated the president and the president has evolved on the issue. And when i asked general kelly, whats a wall . He said, it could be the inhospitable terrain. It could be Border Patrol agents. It could be drones seth oh, my god, this wall keeps getting worse and worse. It could be terrain. It could be drones. Soon its just going to be a tunnel painted on the side of a mountain. [ laughter ] so we have a president making cartoonish demands that everyone knows are impractical, who has absolutely no Guiding Principles or knowledge of policy, and who changes his views on a whim depending on who hes talking to. And a former Campaign Aide told the New York Times that trump doesnt even care to learn. The misconception is that the president does not know what he does not know. In my experience, the reality is that the president knows what he does not know and does not think he needs to know it. [ light laughter ] so its simple. Its not that he does not know what he does not know, its that he does know what he does not know. Which means he doesnt know what he does know and he does think that he doesnt need to know it. You know . [ cheers and applause ] just to give you just to give you an idea of how incoherent and scattershot trumps views are, he spent the weekend bashing democrats over daca, tweeting the dems just want Illegal Immigrants to pour into our nation unchecked. Even though he, himself, has spent months insisting that he wants to deal with the d. R. E. A. M. Ers, the young undocumented immigrants brought here as children, with compassion. The daca situation is a very, very its a very difficult thing for me, because, you know, i love these kids. I love kids. I have kids. They shouldnt be very worried. They are here illegally. They shouldnt be very worried. I do have a big heart. Were going take care of everybody. Well, i have a great heart for the folks were talking about. A great love for them. I feel having the democrats in with us is absolutely vital, because this should be a bipartisan deal. This should be a bill of love. Truly, it should be a bill of love. Seth of course, a bill of love is also what trump pays porn stars in hush money. This weekends shutdown was very much the Trump Presidency in microcosm. A president with no Guiding Principles and no knowledge of policy flailing wildly, and relegated to making cartoonish demands from the sidelines, while everyone else scrambles to figure out how to make it work. I dont know what trump would say about that, but i do know how his biggest critic feels. The whole world is looking at us and laughing at us. Seth hes right. This has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with john lithgow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] announcer for more of seths closer looks be sure to subscribe to late night on youtube. This is Google Home Mini. 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