Theyre marigolds. I dont have time for this today, man, i have a show to do. So do i. Whats that button do . I dont upon, man. I just do cokes and sandwichs. I heard it either starts stephens s ohowr blows up the sun but only an idiot would press that, right . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jon stewart. John oliver. Samantha bee ed helms and rob corddry. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey whats going on . cheers and applause whats going on, man . Jon whats going on . Stephen how was your weekend . Jon great. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen . Stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than 10 minutes ago. F. B. I. Director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. cheers and applause jon wooo stephen huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. That shows no gratitude at all. Jon man. Stephen did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about . I mean thanks for the presidency, jimmy. Now dont let the door hit you where the Electoral College spli im shocked. My heart is pumping. My pulse is racing. He fired the f. B. I. Director who has said under oath that hes investigating the trump campaigns ties to russia. No rationale has been given yet as to why but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. Audience booo stephen i think i think i might know why. I think he was fired because comey couldnt ge guess the name rump pel still skin. Trump sent comey a all right in which he writes does everything have to be about him . Well, i greatly appreciate you telling me that i am an amazing lover, i am leaving you for a younger woman, on the advice of laughter now, well have more on this tomorrow when they scramble to cover the whole thing up. But laughter but speaking of coverups, speaking of coverups, this whole trump campaignrussia tie thing will not go away, no matter how many times trump tweets that the whole thing has gone away. The latest is former National Security adviser and sam the eagle cosplayer Michael Flynn see you at comiccon, sir. Flynn, you remember, was fired after just 24 days because he lied about his connections to russia and he also failed to report money he received from russianlinked companies, including 45,000 for attending a gala dinner in moscow where he sat next to russian president vladimir putin. Really nice dinner, too. Jon man,. Stephen no, no. It was a beautiful dinner. He got to choose between chicken, fish, or duffel bag full of untraceable thats the glutenfree option. Well, yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, obama warned trump about hiring flynn. And it was just as effective as when obama warned america about hiring trump. applause . cheers yeah. He seems persuasive. He seems persuasive. Just couldnt seal the deal. If he did that, why didnt trump heed this warning . Sources say trump thought obama was joking. You know, that old joke why did the chicken cross the road . Hes working for the russians. And its actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume. And obama wasnt the only one. In a Senate Hearing yesterday, former acting attorney general and future robin wright awardwinning role, sally yates, said she also warned the white house about flynn. And that created a compromised situation, a situation wherein the National Security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the russians. Stephen so yates told the white house that flynn was compromised, and he was fired immediately. 18 days later. laughter thats a lot of lag time. If only there was some quick catch phrase trump had for removing people from their jobs. Oh, i know youre not my soninlaw. applause but out, out. applause i dont know. But trumps not worried about the testy imonalof satly yes or the testimony of former intelligence director james clapper, tweeting director clapper reiterated what everybody, including the fake media, already knows there is no evidence of collusion with russia and trump. Um, mr. President , a little tip when you put no evidence in quotes, it really makes you seem innocent. cheers and applause and to really drive the point home, trump photoshopped that tweet into his twitter banner. If youre going to photoshop something into this picture, id recommend maybe a black person. Just just pretend pruar pred its a college brochure. People are still angry about the Health Care Bill that Congress Passed last thursday. Audience boo youre a little late, but thank you. And trump knows why wow, the Fake News Media did everything in its power to make the Republican Health care victory look as bad as possible. Far better than ocare ocare, of course, is an abbreviation for the words obama and cares if you die. laughter applause and House Republicans yay yay were gonna die and House Republicans are taking heat, like idaho congressman and hispanic dilbert, raul labrador. Youre mandating people on medicaid accept dying. You are making a mandate no one wants anybody to die. You know, that line is so indefensible. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. crowd boos stephen hes right. Hes right. They die from saying things like that to an angry mob with nothing left to lose. applause ch jon you cant say that. Stephen that is ballsy. Labrador defended his remarks, saying, during ten hours of town halls, one of my answers about health care wasnt very elegant. Oh, the problem isnt what he said. Its that it wasnt said elegantly. Let me try for just a second. Let me try. Uhhuh help uhhuh. Uhhuh. laughter applause laughter this really messes with your depth perception. laughter here we go. Here we go. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. laughter elegant cheers and applause look where i lit it. Look where i lit it. There you go. That is some that is some good filter. laughter another defender of the bill was director of the office of management and budget and man asking god to strike him down now, Mick Mulvaney. This sunday, he told cbss John Dickerson why we shouldnt worry about the new Health Care Bill. The bill that passed out of the house is most likely not going to be the bill that is put in front of the president. So the president kept saying this is a great bill and its a good bill but its incomplete isia whatyoure saying. We remember School House Rock when we were kids, im a bill, yes a bill, but its going to go through that process. Stephen ood its just like School House Rocks. Here to respond from the capitol steps, please welcome care bill. Bill, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen bill let me just ask you something im just a bill, yes im only a bill. And im sitting here on capitol hill stephen i understand. Thats my song . I know its your song, bill. Its how youre known. But do you agree with Mick Mulvaney that are you not yet in your final form . Thats right, stephen. The house may have passed me, but now i go to the senate, and the whole thing starts all over again. Its a long journey, but i cant wait to be a law stephen bill, you should know, a lot of people dont like you. They dont . But, stephen im just a bill yes im only a bill and im sitting here stephen we know. Listen. Oh, thats right, we established that. Stephen now, bill, i have to ask have you even read yourself . Well,o, read me. Stephen they didnt, bill, and if you become law, 24 Million People could lose their health insurance. What . Thats terrible. Well, at least i cover preexisting conditions. Stephen no, you dont do that, either. My god, im a monster. Who created me . Stephen bill, i dont know how to tell you this, but donald trump. Is your father. No thats not true thats impossible cheers and applause stephen read yourself, bill. Read yourself, bill. You know it to be true. Noooooooooooo stephen calm down, bill, calm down. Its going to be all right. No, i have to be stopped. If no one else will do it, ill veto myself stephen no, bill no, bill, dont aaarrgghhh stephen oh, my god. Hes hes no, im not. They made copies. Were all screwed stephen Health Care Bill, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, rob corddry, and ed helms stick around. You never know whatll inspire you. The rhythm of the waves. The language, the laughter. Or the noise in the night. I take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. A lot of people have vertical blinds. Well, if a lot of people jumped off a bridge, would you . You hungry . Im okay right im. Im becoming my, uh, mother. Its been hard, but some of the stuff he says is actually pretty helpful. Pumpkin, bundling our home and Auto Insurance is a good deal like buying in bulk thats fun, right . Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, unlimited data on tmobile, now thats a treat. Why did verizon take so long to offer it . Is it because their lte network was built six years ago . Six years ago . Thats like a hundred in phone years. Tmobile built newer, faster, more advanced lte to handle unlimited data. Switch to tmobile, now covering 314 million americans and growing. And right now, get 2 lines of unlimited data for a hundred bucks, all in taxes and fees included. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Narrator to do time is what is right. Ralph northam. Army doctor during the gulf war. Volunteer director of a pediatric hospice. Progressive democrat. In the senate, he passed the smoking ban in restaurants, stopped the transvaginal ultrasound antichoice law, and stood up to the nra. As lieutenant governor, dr. Northam is fighting to expand access to Affordable Healthcare. Ralph northam believes in making progress every day. And he wont let donald trump stop us. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back to the show, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right there. Thats the band right over there cheers and applause stephen oh, my god. I am there is there is an absolutely electric feeling in this building tonight. It is so incredible to see m show here. Jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. We were all just talking backstage. None of us has aged a day. And just seeing those guys, it just really takes me back. I mean, i can still remember my last day at the the daily show like it was yesterday. I cant i cant put it into words but it can put it into flashback. Is this. Is this working . Can we do the effect, please, jim . Thats the. Ahhhh. My final day. So many memories. But there comes a time when a man has to do something completely different the same character, half an hour later, half a block away. laughter courage. Okay, just got to pack up my lucky mug. Gotta pack up my lucky box of free printer and my lucky and my lucky tangerine ibook the sleekest, most stylish product apple will ever make. Hey, stephen. cheers and applause steen i, samantha bee getting ready to head out, stephen . Stephen yeah, samantha bee. I am opinion i cant believe youre leaving right in the middle of the george w. Bush administration. There will never be another president this good for comedy. I mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, least once a month pup know. I know theres one thing for sure there is no scenario in which i will ever say, gosh, i wish george w. Bush was president. cheers and applause . Stephen you look great by the way. You look fantastic. Have you seen my yogurt. Stephen i have not seen your yogurt. No, i have not seen it. Okay. Hey, stephen helms. Whats up you guys. I cant believe youre leaving us, stephen. Its crazy. Its like beyonce leaving destinys child. Were never going to hear from her again. Stephen thank you for stopping by to say gone. Actually, we came because were fighting over which one of us gets your office gli just dont know how to choose. Come on, man. Im already ready to hang up my poster of my two favorite comedians, bill cosby, and subway spokesman jared fogel. Stephen i know one thing, rob. They will never let you down hey, has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen nope, nope, havent seen it. Hello there, chums. cheers and applause stephen hey how about that . Stephen oh, hey, its thats right, its me, steve carell, the lovely correspondent from the daily show in 2005. Why are you talking in that awful british accent . Because unlike you feebleminded chucklemonkeys, im off to hollywood to become a serious actor, but it is me, steve carell, laugh and ill prove it by saying something only steve carell can say, i have so much body hair, that there is an unbroken line of fur between my eyebrows and my ankles. laughter classic steve. Thats steve, yeah. Stephen has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen no, no. Oh, there we are. cheers and applause dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me im hideous stephen jon . What are you doing in there . The show is about what . Were doing another one today . Yes, its a daily show. You have to do one every day. Why every day . You could cover everything you need to say about politics in half an hour on a sunday night people would watch that . On a sunday . I doubt it. Or a wednesday at 10 30, 9 30 central. Everybody, shut up shut the bleep up shut your mouths shut up got it . laughter jon yes why are you eating our yogurts . Because right now, were a family. And if someones in need, were always there for each other especially you, steve carell. Thanks. Jolly good. But i guess im realizing families grow up. Kids go off to college, or star in a billiondollar film franchise about a hangover. Or an Academy Awardwinning franchise about a hot tub time machine. That won an Academy Award . Well, its still 2005. So you cant prove it hasnt laughter . I guess im realizing one day youll spread your wings and leave me. And all ill have left of you is your yogurts. Five minutes to show time, people oh, my god. Get me footage of an old lady slipping onitis. One frozen fanny coming up as steve carell always says. You guys give me three puns about Donald Rumsfelds penis. Schlongald nutsfeld wrinkled shaftsfeld prickretary of prickfense, dingdong rumsballs brilliant no wonder we win emmys all right. Stephen what about me, jon . What do i do . Your eyebrow or something. Makes people think youre smart. Stephen got it but first, before we do anything, our traditional preshow prayer. Hands in, everybody. Okay. Goooo, lbl agenda stephen stick around, everybody. All these people are on the show tonight. Well find out how much of what we said is real. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurhuh. With geico. I should take a closer look at geico. Boats, homes, motorcycles. Even umbrella coverage. This guys gonna wish he brought his umbrella. Fire at will howd you know the guys name is will . Yeah . Its an expression, ya know . Fire at will . You never heard of that . Oh, there goes will bye, will thats not his name take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Allthat was amazing. E sitting. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. Introducing new depend real fit briefs. Now more breathable than ever. In situations like this, theres no time for distractions. Its not enough to think im ready. I need to know im ready. No matter what lies ahead. Get a free sample at depend. Com welcome back, everybody. My first guest is a gentleman farmer, but you know him from his roles in the faculty, half baked, and death to smoochy. Please welcome jon stewart when i see your face mellow as the month of may oh, darling, i cant stand it when you look at me that way oh, baby when i see your face mellow as the month of may thank you, thank you very much. Hello. cheers and applause cheers the news. You have a potty mouth. laughter applause . Stephen that, i do. cheers and applause but might i say, i learned it from you, dad. laughter do you you know that james comey was fired by trump, right . What . laughter stephen did you i got a question for the audience. When i said that comey was fired by trump, you all cheered. Why . laughter is it because what he did to hillary . cheers and applause but you know hes investigating trumps campaigns ties to russia, which now will evaporate like cotton candy in the ocean. No, you know what youve got. Audience boo they were riding a wave that was like a beginners surfers class where they were like, im standing up oh, no, wait now im on my knees homeland on. I hate that guy, i love that guy, but trump did it but they didnt know how to feel and it was interesting to watch. Stephen well, listen, you y dont stephen you live on a farm. I live in new jersey. laughter applause . Stephen there are farms in new jersey. No stephen you have a farm. You have a farm. On a night like this when james comey has just been fired, do you miss, you know, doing a show like this . Because you used to, you know, talk ab