Baldwin. And Charlamagne Tha God. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen whooo whooo hey hey jon hey stephen whats going on . cheers and applause how are you, man . Jon whats happening. Stephen good to see you. Hey, thanks so much. Please, youre very kind. Thanks so much, everybody. So nice to be here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause happy happy tax day, everybody. This is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who wont release his. Now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a home office. laughter i do a lot of reading in there. I do a lot a lot of reading in thrnchts a lot of tweeting, you know. Stephen but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. cheers and applause beautiful idea. Lovely. Lovely idea. But the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the womens march did not get trump to release his woman, bucet ni try, nice try. But he did release some tweets. I did what was an almost an impossible thing to do for a republican easily won the Electoral College now tax returns are brought up again . laughter okay, i know you won, but you know those things arent related, right . Hey, i just won a spelling bee why are you looking in my crawl space . laughter thats all right, thats all right, thats all right. And trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. Someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over yes, who paid for the rallies . I mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasnt pepsi. laughter delicious. I could go. Delicious product, though, its a delicious product. Please buy it. Are they a sponsor . Are they a sponsor . Sure, why not . And yesterday, during sean spicers daily spicening, the up again. Is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns . Umm, well have to get back to you on that. If you want i mean, so you. I mean, really . Really. So he may . No, i said id have to get back to you on that. So you cant even say if hell ever release his taxes . No matter what happens . How about this scenario aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness the one way to destroy them and free humanity is they are easily susceptible to 2000200stef itemized tax returns from donald j. Trump. Would he release them then . I said id have to get back to you on that. Stephen hes consistent, hes cannot. Of course, who has time to worry about taxes when were about to go to war with north korea. But never fear, the white house and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume. laughter the danger zone i would like to see i wouldnt mind i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. Jon yeah, that would be nice. Stephen obviously, if his wife was there. And pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u. N. Representative warned thermonuclear war may break out at any moment. Now, this show pretapes, so if youre watching this at home right now, we made it to. cheers and applause 11 11 41. Im going to call 11 41. And this time, it isnt north korea with an erratic, triggerhappy leader. According to one russian official, trump is more impulsive and unpredictable than kim jongun. Well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you elected him. laughter cheers and applause laughter our president. cheers and applause what . What what i just put the i forgot to put the im sure cbs wont mind. laughter luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on the fox and the friends. The Vice President is in asia doing the fourstop tour, and he said, basically, the u. S. Is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. You have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. Have you ruled out a military strike . I dont want to telegraph what im doing or what im thinking. Stephen okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking and that youre familiar with more Current Technology than te laughter no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. Trump never gave a straight answer. Did we sabotage the north korea strike . I dont want to comment on it. Okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile . We will find out. All right. Stephen all right. Have a good war. Now heres a word from our sponsor everblast subterrean, leadlined bunkers, everyone else is dead. Theyre still working on their motto. Theyre still working on their motto. Are they a sponsor for us . Id love to be in my blast shelter with a pepsi. It would be fantastic. Also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north koreas leader but, you know, theyve been talking with this gentleman for a long time. They have all been outplayed by this gentleman. Stephen i dont think trump knows kim jonguns name. . Are they going to a strip club together . Why does he keep calling him this gentleman . Either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is this gentleman. And, mr. President , youre known for your nicknames. Your lyin ted, your crooked hillary. And this guy is a name bonanza. How about shiitake mushroom hair, the dear eater, chairman cow, the dictator tot, el presidumpty, the glorious peoples repiglet. Anything at all for this. cheers and applause looks fantastic. Now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else will do his fighting. Just listen just listen to one of his rallies will last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. Get em out. Get em out. Get em out. Look who we have here, some wonderful people. Awwwww. Get out of here get out get out unbelievable u. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. stephen u. S. A. u. S. A. that guys in charge of the u. S. A. laughter now, that was in louisville last year, and trumps supporters provided all the slugging. And now those protestors are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. laughter but the president has a simple counterargument suck it. Because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. Oh, immune to lawsuits. I finally know why he ran for president. Mr. Trump, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you. Okay, ive got an idea. Give me that hat. One White Nationalist whos being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages because heimbach, acted pursuant to the directives and requests of donald j. Trump. So to sum up a white supremacist roughs up protestor, protestor sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. Progress, baby steps. Baby steps. cheers and applause makes you feel somewhere, somewhere in here. Trump is scheduled to make a state visit to Great Britain later this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. A petition to cancel the visit was signed by 1. 8 million people. cheers and applause 1. 8. Wow 1. 8 million. Thats a huge number. I mean, thats like a fake inauguration crowd number. laughter and he doesnt want just any arrival when he gets there. Trump wants a goldplated carriage ride with the queen. I dont know why either he wants the goldplated carriage ride with the queen . To make him feel important. Or. Oh no your majesty if you hear the sound of tictacs, just open the door and get away. Im telling her to get away from him. You understand, im the good guy if this scenario. You understand. Im being helpful in the thing i just made up. applause cheers thank and the golden carriage is just one of trumps flashy demands. We actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to Buckingham Palace with the rest of his wishes. Its the actual letter because its got the president ial seal right there, and you cant fake that. laughter legally, i think i could go to jail. Jon thats it. Stephen i dont know in england what they do with that. Jimmy, here we go ehhh. Dear queen, while im in great england, tremendous britain, the u. K. , i demand to do the following things pull a sword from a rock, kiss a sleeping woman, deport paddington bear, decapitate the exwife of my choosing, mind the gap, have a slice of shepherds pie if thats a sex thing invade narnia, and kill harry potter laughter sincerely, donnie. It was all funny until harry potter. But some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i dont just mean the Founding Fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. Wheeeeeeee no, im talking about our old friends the obalm as. This week, they were in polynesia, and someone managed to get this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle posing for a picture on a yacht . Wow. Michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. laughter can we get that back up again . Lets get a closer look. Hes taking the picture on an ipad. Daaad come on this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his Leaning Tower of penis. And we miss you, sir. We miss you. cheers and applause and the obamas werent even the most power boat, because joining them on the superyacht were oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen. That is nearly all of americas strategic likability reserve i just pray to god they put dwayne the rock johnson in a secure location. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Alec baldwin is here. Stick around. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. Yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh. Ing to geico. We should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico insures way more than cars. Boats, motorcycles. Even rvs geico insures rvs . Whats an rv . Uh, the thing weve been stuck on for five years weve been over this, jeff. Were stickers im not a real moose . Give him some space. Deep breaths, jeff. Whats a sticker . . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up for the band, everybody jon jon. If im not mistaken, if im not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if im wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. Would you please tell us who is sitting in. Jon blues legends cab mow and taj mahal. Yeah, baby stephen thank you for being here, gentlemen. Well be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, taj mo. Thank you for being here. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. Pliez welcome the great sir alec baldwin. applause wooo wow what a nice crowd you have. Stephen they are lovely people. We decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. Because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. Its chilly in here. cheers and applause stephen its comedy weather. Its comedy weather. Keeps the guests fresh. I was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said im not going to wear a suit, i have this dirty i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. So whats up . Im sorry, i didnt dress up for you. Stephen you are always dressed up. You look like you are do tae kwon do or something. Im about to clean your pool. Stephen can i ask you a quick questions about the obamas. They were on geffens yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. Do you ever do stuff like that . Because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, i never get invited to those parties . You dont . Stephen no, i havent. Why do you think that is . laughter no, but im saying, like stephen im too darn busy. You are. Sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, ill be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, come to mick jaggers daughters wedding, or something. And im like, i cant. Im up here in canada making a movie. Ill say to them, can i get out of work to go to mick jaggers daughters wedding. No you cant get out of work to do that. Stephen what a hard life you have. My wife will say, nobody feels sorry for you stephen nobody should feel sorry for you. You have a lovely wife. You have a brand new daughter or son . We have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, oh, alec, what happened in here . It was the baby. Stephen oh, sure. Not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is a silly thing were doing now. Stephen exactly, right now. When i saw your donald trump for the first time. cheers and applause i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. When saw your trump i went, oh, thank god. Somebody has cracked that nut. Do you like doing it . Its amazing. I think more than anything its kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and Say Something to me on the streets. You are in new york, and people come up to the on the street and Say Something. Our daughter carmen is three and a half, and i call her the reincarn aition of elaine strich. Thank you that you got that. People will walk up to me, and well be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Theyre like thank me for the trump thing. And my daughter carmen will look at them and say, i dont like you laughter like enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. Just go away stephen whats your hookin . What is the thing you have to do . Is it is it your face . Is it the hair . Is it the hands . Is it the voice. Theyre sitting there on s. N. L. And i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lor lorne would say, i want you to come do trump . Stephen i would like you to do your trump, please. Come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks. I go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind o ended, im not going to do the movie. I picked up the phone and called lorne and said, im trump. Here i come. Im on my way. And we get in the room and they showed footage of him. Its totally a caricature. You pick a few things. Im sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. Youre trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. Youre like. cheers and applause stephen thank you. Hey, thank you thank you stephen now, trump isnt your first sort of questionable president. You have experience with because i found out you went to g. W. , right . Yes stephen george, with university. Stephen you ran for president of the school. Stephen and im really jealous, because nixon is my guy. Is he. Stephen i remember the watergate hearings. Thats my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from himself. He calls you alex. You know what the greatest part is, from our mutual friend Mark Weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned he writes. Stephen as far as you are concerned of the recent George WashingtonUniversity Student body elections. You cared enough to enter the arena. Are you ever going to reenter the arena . No. Stephen entertainers can be president s. You did one of the most astute, super political show for years, and that is i think trump its not going to swing back its not going to stay that way, meaning its not going to open the door for nontraditional candidate s. Stephen no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. Right, it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. applause but clinton, bush, obama, trump. Is will swing back. Some guy who is, like,er stephen really any of place would be nice. Do we really care at this point . Stephen the guy from Governors Island would be fine. Governors island. The mayor of Governors Island. Stephen we have to take a little break but well be right back with alec baldwin and his new book nevertheless. applause at lincoln, were all about making things simpler for you. Like, imagine having your vehicle serviced. From the comfort of your own home. Introducing complimentary lincoln pickup and delivery servicing. Because the most important luxury of all. Is time. Pickup and delivery servicing on the entire family of lincoln luxury vehicles including a complimentary lincoln loaner. You never know whatll inspire you. But i take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. 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Okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. The guy that shot this picture he shot both pre a friend of mine. Stephen did you get a break the second time because it was like a twofer. We put a lot of vaseline on the lens the second time. Stephen why a memoir . Youre only 59 years old. What are you trying to remember at this point . Exactly. Im aflailed i wont have the memory or energy for it 20 years from now. I thought to myself while i still have a few shards of memory left ill do it now. Stephen obviously, i read the bo