Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2017

Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170304

You see, when i was younger, i had an affair with doikk nats. Hes a member of the cantina band. Oh, yeah, thats right. You know that guy. Stephen know him, paul . I loved him. There he is, holding his dorenian beshniquel. And lets just say, that wasnt the only thing doikk knew how to blow. When i first heard doikk play at the mos eisley cantina, he made love to that instrument, and then he made love to me. It was an experience ill never forget, because i had no idea what sex he was or how he did it. Under those clothes its kind of a kind of a train wreck, i have to say. I just poked around and hoped for the best. That sounds like a beautiful evening. Stephen it was. So yeah, paul, im preaw song to have sex to. Have you ever seen him again . Stephen only in my dreams, paul, only in my dreams. And on weekends. Hes got the kids. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Cate Blanchett. Paul rust. And comedian mo amer. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen wooo cheers and applause stephen good to see you. How are you . Hey thank you very much. Jon hey stephen hey, chris cheer please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well, the revelations about the trump teams connections to russia just keep on coming. Yesterday, we learned that attorney general Jeff Sessions met with a Russian Ambassador during the campaign and then whats the word . Lied about it to congress. So yesterday sessions made this announcement i have recused myself in the matters that deal with the trump campaign. Stephen senator, you cant recuse yourself from all matters that deal with the trump campaign. You dont have to be the prosecutor, but you might be a defendant. cheers and applause huge, big, big, Jeff Sessions fans here tonight. laughter senator, what about that time you lied to senator franken . In retrospect i should have slowed down and said, but i did meet one russian official one time. That would be the ambassador. Thank you, all, take care. lahter . Stephen yall come back now, hear, hear. Seriously, were getting a subpoena. You all come back now, okay . You cant just end a press conference with the one piece of relevant information you have. That would be like darth vader saying, by the way, luke, im your dad. Take care, bye 2 i dont know have darth vader is southern in this analogy. It would be fun if he was. And then the day got a little more not good for the trump white house, because they admitted that in december, trumps soninlaw and frat guy who seems nice at first, jared kushner, joined Michael Flynn at a meeting with the Russian Ambassador this guy. Who surprise also met with trump advisers carter page and j. D. Did everyone trump knows have a relationship with the Russian Ambassador . Hold on. Wait a second. Can we jim, do you have a picture of bannons nanny . There you go. She checks out. Thats fine. laughter speaking of american institutions. Disney. Theyve had a long history of progressive values, from their positive depiction of a woman with seven husbands to touting the benefits of hallucinogenic. Drugs. laughter and now disney has struck another blow for openmindedness. The new movie beauty and the beast will feature disneys first openly gay character. The director revealed that gastons sidekick, la fou, played by actor josh gad, will explore his sexuality in a small, but significant subplot. Stephen now, if you dont remember lafou from beauty and the beast, hes this guy. laughter applause no, no wait, wait no incompetent sidekick who sucks up to the bad guy. Yeah, thats the one. Right there. laughter first off, i just want to say lafou might not have known he was gay, but the rest of us did. He sang a whole song about how thick gastons neck was. Also, first gay character . What about timon and pumba, and every disney prince ever . You know, the buff guys with no body hair who cant kiss the beautiful girlfriends without singing a threeminute show tune first . Come on. Come on. Its fine. Its fine. cheers and applause who left this fabulous shoe laughter i have to get the other pair now, unsurprisingly, some people are freaking out about the samesex surprise in the film. Although, they really dont have the moral high ground if they think two men kissing ruins this kids movie about a woman who is held captive until she falls in love with a giant angry animal. laughter hey, this is a question i dont get to ask often enough anybody here enjoy marijuana . Anybody . cheers and applause some people do. Some people do. Not everybody, some people do. Everybody who just clapped, better hope that Jeff Sessions does redesign, because since he took over the Attorney Generals Department he has taken a hard line on the stickyicky. And he laid out his opposition at the National Meeting of attorney generals. Im not sure were going to be a better, healthier nation if we have marijuana being sold at every Corner Grocery store. Stephen maybe so, but those Grocery Stores will sell a lot more pretzel bites and. Itrshmallow fluff. applause this seems like a strange time to launch a new war on weed. For one thing, planet earth 2 just came out. laughter and currently, 28 states have legalized marijuana for recreational or medicinal use, and sessions comments have thrown the countrys marijuana. Industry into a panic. If only there was something that could help chill them out. laughter we have a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Cate Blanchett is here. But when we return, im hitting the streets to cheer america up. Stick anderson. Cate blanchett cheering vo they say glory awaits at the finish. But what about the start . cheering continues that moment you suck up every doubt, every fear, every reason why not and decide to begin. Every start matters. Introducing under armour, now at kohls. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. Wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena as ai can embrace a worldr, full of surprising moments. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts today. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. band playing cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody, the best band on Television Cheers and applause now, jon, jon, we talked a little bit about this two days ago. Were in lent now, and its friday, and so im not eating any meat on friday because its lent and im aing catholic. But im not eating any meat any time during lent. Are you giving up anything . Jon um, sure, yeah. laughter stephen is it is it is it a secret, jon . Jon i havent decided yet. Ill add on afterwards, you know, after the 40 days. Stephen so when you come up with whatever you give up, youre just going to tag it on to the back of lent. Jon like roll over minutes . Does god accept roll over minutes . I didnt ready that. Jon i play a lot. My works out gli have to change folks, were over a month in to the trump administration, people are worried. Are you guys worried about this . Im worried, too. Will trump deport friends and neighbors . Will the press be silenced . What percentage of sean spicer is lunch meat . laughter these are questions that we all deal with on a daily basis. And this is manhattan, which donald trump lost by 89 . Back in november. cheers and applause these are nice people. These are nice people, trying to cheap donald trump up. Its so nice. So there, out on the streets, a few gloomy faces around. But i really believe that id like to believe everything is going to be okay, and i wanted to get out there on the streets and reassure others who are feeling a little low. Jim . Stephen thank you, jon welcome to uhh late show street show takin it to the street. Tonight, were going to let everyone know its going to be ok. Here we are in front of the beautiful Trump International with you and thisbe. Whats on your mind . How are you feeling . Its hard to get through the day, ya know. Stephen really . Its hard to know how to behave, what to listen to, what to look for and how to move on, and how to make a difference in the world. Stephen is there anything specific thats worrying you right now, matt . I mean, theres a lot of things the ban on immigration, getting rid of the n. E. A. Stephen its not a ban. Its not a ban on immigration. They just cant come here. You could still emigrate, you just cant come here. What is thisbe eating there . Shes eating milkbones. Stephen did she bring enough for everybody . You can have one if you want laughter yummy, yummy. Stephen its actually not bad. I would use this to dip into hummus. I gotta say, the milkbone, it sticks with you. laughter just wanted to remind everybody thats watching, this interview is brought to you by milkbone. Milkbone you can eat it. How are you guys feeling . Are you guys worried about anything . We have our own we have our issue with brexit. Youve probably heard about brexit. Stephen yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are pulling out of the european union. Were not happy about that, and were worried about that. Stephen what did you guys think when you had heard that President Trump had been elected . I cant swear on here, can i . Stephen sure. Hes an absolute wanker. Stephen you could say that. You can wanker all you want, we dont know what it means. Whats a wanker . Its like a tosser stephen whats a tosser . Whats a tosser . bleep . Stephen oh, yeah, i know what that is. The theme of todays late show street show, takin it to the street is, uh, everythings what do you need to be reassured about . Well, ya know, i actually know that everythings going to be okay, but i just want the rest of the people to know that everythings gonna be ok. Stephen ive always heard that if you just smile through something that upsets you, it actually makes you feel better about it. It starts to make you feel better about it. Stephen ready . Were going to do smile therapy, okay . President trump says he wants to bring back torture. laughter President Trump asked Rudy Guiliani to come up with a legal way to ban muslims from entering america. laughter that does feel better. Stephen i see some other things, you got milkbones. Whats the other one . Its just a pouch of treasure troves. Its a wonder nugget. Stephen whats the wonder nugget . Its Peanut Butter something. Stephen and this is for dogs . Its called the wonder nugget . It is, yeah. laughter i do feel better. Stephen wonder nugget. It tastes like something. Who wants a marshmallow. Are you worried about nuclear war at all . Oh, of course, yeah. Nuclear football being in those tiny hands is pretty disturbing. Stephen would you like something to make you feel better . I sure would. Stephen all right. See . Its working. Stephen theyre all wearing make America Great again tshirts. Oh, no stephen yeah. Make America Great again. Now, matt, before i let you go, im going to write you a prescription which im allowed to do because i got a tv show for one carne asada burrito and 20 minutes of googling young paul newman. You think you remember, but you dont its pretty special stephen do it some place private. I will. Stephen heads up marshmallow dont tell your teacher dont eat it off the ground mmm. Well, everybody, thats it for the late show taking it to the street, everythings going to be ok edition. I just want to remind everybody that everythings going to be okay, all right . Look, theres his peepee. cheers and applause well be right back with Cate Blanchett. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Visit verizonwireless. Com droid to discover todays hot deal. Chevy ireally. T awarded car Company Three years in a row. Lets see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. 2016 j. D. Power highest quality breaking. Ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards now through march 13, get 20 below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. Thats over 8,000 on this chevy impala. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® school lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Lines . An develop fine lines what lines . The chapstick total hydration collection. Our advanced skin care formulas instantly smooth and transform your lips. Chapstick. Y putour lips first. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a twotime Academy Awardwinning actress currently making her. Broadway debut in the present. Please welcome Cate Blanchett applause a standing ovation. Stephen, of course do you get that all the time . Stephen ummm. Yet. I was about to be humble, but im not going to. Its lovely to see you. Listen, ive got a confession to make. I dont publicly. Stephen i dont get star struck but i do get a little im such a huge fan of yours. cheers and applause youre such a brilliant actress, and im not going to go into the whole gladdial thing, but everything youve done. And youre an intelligent, lovely person. A fashion icon. Oh, but i cant but disappoint. You dont see me first thing in the morning. Believe it or not, i dont wake up like this. Stephen oh, no. What are you like at home . Its pretty ugly at 6 00 a. M. , i look like ia cross between Phyllis Diller and stephen a gladdial. Yes. Im covered in im in my pajamas, which ive been wearing for i wear my pajamas most of the time. Stephen do you have kids . I have four. So im covered in pancake mix, and bananas and vegemite. It takes a toll. Stephen can you explain vegemite to me . I tasted it ive tasted it in new zealand, and it was shocking to me. Thats because you, as an american, live on a diet of sugar. Really want to go here . Theres so much theres so much to love about this magnificent country. Stephen vegemite . It tastes to me like someone went, i wonder if we can find a way to make salt taste like it went bad and its brown. Thats because you spread it on like Peanut Butter. Australians have been trying to explain this phenomenon for decades. I cant believe, being a jackson fan that you havent kind of crossed that bridge. Stephen i tried it. I tried it when i was in new zealand. Did you put jam on it. Stephen no, am i supposed to. You put a tiny scrape and put the rest on your pajamas. Stephen i did have a tiny little scrape there and i can still taste it 10 years later, 10 years later. My son, my youngest son, thought it was a jam and took a giant bite of it. That will do it for you. Stephen it was one of the saddest faces i have seen in my entire life. You won two oscars. Nomi f applause . Stephen why not . Why not . The reason i ask is that, you know, there was a huge hullabaloo at the oscars this part sunday night. Oh, it wasnt that bad stephen ive never been backstage. Can you imagine what it must have been like for everyone up there, absolutely so shocking. Awful. Its like sort of being married to the wrong person. Its but, you know, at first for me what was most upsetting is in australia, theres a we have a wonderful, wonderful sort of Cultural Industries, but often success is not reward. But here in this country, the wonderful thing about america is success is rewarded. And butt now i think in the last since the inauguration, this notion of the cultural elite has really kind of got going. So anyone who has got a voice and success in the Cultural Industries is suddenly marginalized or considered, you know, their voice isnt significant or worth being parent of the, you know, popular parlance. And they kind of handed it to the administration on sunday night, that theyre a bunch of duffers. Stephen because they looked like idiots. But theyre not. Stephen and he gets to point and go, hollywood, sad. Ysad, which is such a profoundly interesting thing to say. Stephen yeah. Hollywood sad. Stephen hollywood sad. Make me happy, not sad. Yeah. Stephen well, whats the secret to winning an oscar . As soon as they give it to you, run off stage before they can give it to moonlight. Yes. At least two films got to win. Stephen its nice. Its nice, isnt it . Its really nice. Stephen its twice the oscars. They dont have to do it next year. Stephen now, you are on broadway debut. Im so surprised this is your broadway debut because youve done so much theater in australia. My husband and i ran the sydney theatre, this is the last play he programmed. Stephen its at the Barrymore Theatre in new york. Thats me. Stephen its called the present. Its a chekhov play. Im not familiar with the present. Its because chekhov wrote it for an actress who was rejected it stephen wasnt good enough for the woman he had a crutch on . No, and he put it, as richard says in his sock drawer and it was never found. It was a broken fragment of a work, and what people dont realize about chekhov is its fun gle its a comedy. Cherry orchard his most well known play say comedy in four acts and its always played for the mis

© 2025 Vimarsana