Dr. Phil, Michael Bolton and usicle guest marren morris, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey, jon good to see ya cheers and applause jon hello, everybody. Stephen hey welcome hey, everybody how are ya . Hi, chris cheers and applause piano riff thank you ry thank you very much welcome to the late show. Thank you so much thats a thursday crowd. Thats electric those are people alive on this planet right now. Welcome to the late show, folks. Im Stephen Colbert. Happy groundhog day hows everybody doing on groundhog day i dont know if you saw the latebreaking news, but today, americas foremost psychic rodent, Punxatawny Phil came out of his hole and indeed saw his shadow. So the bad news is six more weeks of winter. The good news we have six more weeks laughter meanwhile, donald trump started his day at the National Prayer breakfast. Ive always said the Prayer Breakfast is the most important prayer meal of the day. Trump took a moment to show a tender side. What i hear most often as i travel around the country are five words. Stephen please. Dont. Grab. My. bleep cheers and applause is that five . I kid about this, but as a christian myself, i know that the National Prayer breakfast has been, since eisenhower, a solemn occasion and an opportunity for president s to bring people of all faiths together and share what is most sacred to them. But we had tremendous success on the apprentice. And when i ran for president , i had to leave the show. Thats when i knew for sure i was doing it. Stephen yeah, thats when president s know for sure. Just like when president Wink Martindale had to leave win, lose, or draw. He just knew, thats when it became serious. Of course, the rest is history. Movie star, arnold schwarzenegger, to take my place. And we know how that turned out. The ratings went right down the tubes. Its been a total disaster. And i want to just pray for arnold, if we can, for those ratings. audience reacts stephen you heard him correctly. Your ears do not deceive you. The president used the National Prayer breakfast to insult arnold schwarzenegger. And tomorrow, hes going to roast Rosie Odonnell at the tomb of the unknown soldier. laughter in less than an hour, governor schwarzenegger had a response. Hey donald, i have a great idea. Why dont we switch jobs . You take over tv because youre such an expert in ratings, and i take over your job, and then people can finally sleep comfortably again. Hmm . cheers and applause stephen ow oh oh damn, is this the war of 1812 . Because the white house just got burnt laughter and arnold isnt the only world leader trump is feuding with. On saturday, our president spoke with australian Prime Minister and friendliest guy in the sauna, Malcolm Turnbull and lashed out at turnbull on the phone call. Please dont pick a fight with australia theyll cut off our supply our uggs, koala jerky and hugh jackman. Trump was upset about a previous ovreement for the u. S. To accept ter aanhousd refugees being held in australia, tweeting, do you believe it . The Obama Administration agreed to take thousands of Illegal Immigrants from australia. Why . I will study this dumb deal what . Dont you know humanitarian aid is not a deal . Okay . Unicef doesnt go to refugee camps and say, all right, ill trade you this bag of rice for your juice box and a captain america pencil. And some of those losing super bowl t slits. Come on. Jon oh, oh, oh. Stephen speaking of looming wars, says it has testfired a new ballistic missile, and this morning President Trump tweeted a stern response iran has been formally put on notice for firing a ballistic missile. On notice. Do you know what that means . Because no one seems to know what that means. Because National Security adviser Michael Flynn did not signal that the u. S. Would take any concrete actions, whether military or diplomatic. So when we say on notice, we just mean, we noticed. And you know what i noticed . Trump keeps stealing from me. On my old show, i put people on notice on my onnotice board. And this isnt the first time donald trump has plagiarized me. I came up with the whole over the top tv character whos desperate to be loved, doesnt believe in facts and had a pet eagle. cheers and applause thats mine thats mine. Plus, we both ran for president. Only one of us knew it was a joke. laughter so for stealing my old act, i am putting donald trump on notice bring out the on notice board cheers and applause here it is still got it. Right up here. Thank you, good man. Everybody say hi to my scenic designer brendan. Brendan, everybody, say applause now, brendan, i originally wanted to do this bit yesterday and i couldnt. Why not . We didnt actually have the on notice board. Stephen why . Where was it . In my parents house in massachusetts. Stephen where do we do the show . Here in new york. Stephen the important thing is we have it now. I havent cleaned this thing in a while. What the bleep is a Mike Huckabee . Goes right there. Okay. Lets fill this in. Lets see. Donald duck, don giovani, our gay apparel comma don we now, here we are. Donald trump cheers and applause all right lets get this in here. All right. All right. Donald trump what do i do . Its been so donald trump for stealing my on notice bit and a couple other things donald trump, you are officially on notice cheers and applause boom hows that feel . Do you have any understanding the effect that just had . Exactly the amount as you putting iran on notice. Zero. cheers and applause stick around, everybody we have a great show for you tonight. Dr. Phil is here. So stick around cheers and applause i tried hard to quit smoking. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Every great why needs a great how. Its crispety. Its crunchety. Its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. Which means we can deliver equal uploads and downloads. Welcome to 8 and a half maple street. Its half a house. And a half bath, its a full house to the wilsons. Because they have fios, the only 100 fiber optic network, with uploads as fast as downloads, their half house has full internet. Cable only offers upload speeds that are a fraction of their downloads. Now you might think its a little odd that the wilsons have a half house, but they think its a little odd to pay for uploads that arent up to speed. Get 150 meg internet with equal uploads and downloads, tv and phone for just 79. 99 per month online for one year. Visit getfios. Com or call 1888getfios to learn more. Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Cable cant offer speeds this fast at a price this good. Only fios can. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody stephen my first guest give it up for jon batiste and stay human how you, my friend . You feeling good . Jon feeling good. Stephen feeling free . Jon fine just being me. Stephen well, folks, my first guest tonight is the host of televisions number one rated daytime talk show. Please welcome dr. Phil cheers and applause dr. Phil, thank god youre here. Youre here just in time. I feel like our entire country is a fighting, on your show. Really . I hadnt noticed. Stephen heal a nation for us, dr. Phil. What do we need to do to heal the divide in america, or is it time to break up . I dont think its time to break up. Stephen all right, thats good to hear. Because im from texas, and you know where texas would go if they secede. We would be o on the other sidef the damn wall. Stephen thats true. You know that would be true. Stephen why do you think nobody can talk to each other anymore . To tell you the truth, i dont think anybodys trying to get along right now. Everybody ised off, and its like they dont want to get along. If im negotiating with somebody, if im negotiating with you, the first thing im going to do is try to figure out how to get the most of what you want i possibly can. Stephen you want to give me what i want when were negotiating. I said im going to give you the most of what you want i possibly can. Stephen if i take everything you give you get nothing, did i win . Because trump says were going to win, win, win, win, win. Is negotiating all about winning . Of course well, certainly you want to win, but youve got to define win. If win is all onesided, thats not going to last very long. If you and i make a deal and i say, heres the deal, you do all the work, i get all the money, i might talk you into that today, but three or four days later, excuse me, kiss my as, im not doing that anymore. No one goes along with that. Lets start by saying what do we agree on. Stephen what do we agree on . Because seems like right now during the campaign and right now, too, people are having trouble agreeing on reality. What is im serious. No, youre stephen people are having trouble agreeing on what is a fact, what is an alternative fact. Why is this no, anytime theres a dispute and ive done this. This is what i do. Stephen ive seen your show. Number one daytime show, dr. Phil. And i did these things before that. Anytime theres a dispute, first thing i do is say lets figure out what we agree on because we might agree on more than we think and then we can have the things to the side we disagree on. You say, what do we agree on . Everybody agrees were all americans, that we all enjoy the freedoms that we want, we all want to be safe. Everybody agrees with those things. Stephen its the price we pay for that. Im not talking about what we dont agree on yet. Im talking about what we do agree on. Stephen sure, everybody wants to be safe, americas a great country, im not sure everybody agrees everybody is american because people accuse each other of not being a real american all the time. Well, we all live here, lets say that and we all want to be fe here. Past the van at the airport. As long as we dont leave and cant come back. Stephen thats true. You have to say, what do we agree on. You say, what do we not agree on . Okay, now were talking about the disagreements, but we at least have some common ground. Nobodys talking about that. The people out demonstrating, more power to them, listen, this is america, you can do that if you want to. cheers and applause i think if thats what they want to do, great. I think, at some point, the dialogue has to start. Stephen okay. Um okay. laughter i absolutely dont know enough to talk intelligently about politics. I dont know enough to talk about the geoeconomic impact of things happening overseas versus here. Im not competent to talk about that. The difference is i just know it. Stephen thats refreshing. Thats refreshing. My dad used to say and i can hear him saying it just like used to say, boy, you better spend 5 of your time deciding whether you got a good deal or a bad deal, and 95 of the time deciding what the hell youre going to do about it. And that was real good advice. Stephen what does that mean . If you dont like the outcome of the election the elections over. What are you going to do about it . Okay. Its not people are debating the election like its not over. The election is over. Stephen oh, its definitely over, yeah. So the question is stephen hes definitely the president of the united states. So what are we going to do about it . Thats why i say i hope people start a dialogue, start a narrative and try to influence things that seem, if they are how they appear, really radical. Somebody needs to start a narrative so we pull this back to some sense of nonidiocy. Stephen without naming any names. I mean at many different levels, its not just at the white house. There is a lot of stuff going on about healthcare, immigration, all sorts of things. Stephen you had a guest on your show recently that people have become fascinated with. The guest was on there a few months ago but for some reason its really taken off in the last couple of weeks. Do you know who im talking about . I do. Stephen a young lady, i dont know her name, but she has a catch phrase that has gone viral, and if im pronouncing this correctly they all know it. Stephen its lets see some of the magic. Did you see the hos are yeah. So the audience is a bunch of hos. Yeah. Catch me outside how about that . What does that mean . I said. Shes 12. Stephen i wouldnt want me to catch her outside. Shes a 12yearold. Stephen could you help me with something you like to heal differences between people especially if friends have fallen out. Youre great at getting people back together. One of my oldest friends in the world works at the show, named paul denello. He and i have a problem and i would love if you could help us. Could you do that for us . Well, whats the problem . Stephen his dog is the problem. His dog doesnt have respect personal space. Hes right well, the story goes a lot better if youre the one telling it. Could we get him out here . Stephen paul, would you join us . Paul denello, everybody. Paul, whats up. How you doing . Stephen do you mind doing this . Paul, how long have we known each other. 30 years. Stephen how old is your dog . Nine. Stephen you had 21 good years. H you had 2 is good years. Stephen he had another dog before this. Hes long had a problem with my dog. Stephen i love his dog. I made a deal with cbs when i started the show because we make our office a dogfriendly office, and they said okay. Almost entirely for paul. And when he brings riley to work, riley loves paul, always wants to be with him. Paul often forgets that riley is at the office because hell leave my office and riley will stay in my office when paul leaves and whine and scratch at the door, and while i love riley, rileys not my problem. Rileys pauls problem. What kind of policy is that if its an opendoor policy for dogs and hes putting restrictions on us . Youre closing the door when you leave and the dog cant come out, its not an open dog policy for dogs. Stephen he said i love riley, but but means forget what i just said, now im going to tell you what i really think. Thank you. You dont really love riley, you tolerate him because hes your friend. Stephen im glad youre here but youre completely wrong. Is riley here . Stephen could riley come out . Come here, riley. audience reacts stephen now, this isnt fair because riley is cuter than i am. Okay. Now, riley i love riley, and and. Stephen i love riley and riley is your dog. How much do you love riley because you never seem to know where he is. Dont they use dogs as therapy dogs because you pet them and they reduce stress . Riley is a gift. Its an intervention. Hes a gift to you. Thank you, phil. Ive said this a million times, you should not fight in front of the dog. It upsets the dog. You know, no telling whats going to happen to the dog. Stephen do you have a dog . I i do and take it to work every day so i should probably recuse myself. Stephen im still angry. I dont feel any better. What do i get out of this therapy session and how much do i owe you . You should scuff up the dogs ears, you wont be so angry. Stephen scuff up . Yeah, show him how to scuff up the dogs airs. Is this what to . Thats it. Does the dog look happy . Stephen riley always looks a little sad. A little sad. Dogs look like their owners. laughter paul looks a little sad most of the time. Had it ever occurred to you to bathe that dog . This is her bathed state. Oh, this is it. This is as good as she gets. Im starting to come over to your side. Stephen thank you. Youre welcome back anytime, dr. Phil. Thank you paul. Thank you, riley, i love you. But its time to go. Dr. Phil airs week days nationwide. Thank you, everybody back with a special late show on the road. Refinance your home. Ubs and bank statemo or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] and go comply etelonline. Securely sharer youncfinaial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] tawell, the only place youn, need go. Oll . Londons got the best of everything. Cornwalls got the best of everything. Sport sport nightlife nightlife both fashion adventure im tellin ya, britain is the only place you really need go. Expedia. Everything you need to travel britain better. All right . How do you become americas bestselling brand . Ooohhh yeah. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Im breating, lets go. You make it protective. Can you go a little faster . Just trying to be safe. You make it hard working. Hey guys. You make it so everyones happy. Going further to make life better. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Thats the unlimited effect. Stream your entertainment and more with unlimited data when you switch to at t wireless and have directv. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. The Trump Presidency is a me of stunning change. Out with the old, in with the new, up with the lunch. And not just in washington. Theres also been a painful president ial transition in pennsylvania, as we discovered in this special late show investigative special investigation. Jim . Gettysburg, a name we all learned as children for one historic reason. The hall of president s wax museum. A 60yearold tourist attraction featuring all 44 president s. But tragically the digital revolution has killed americas long love affair with waxedbased entertainment. The museum has closed its doors and recently all of our former president s were sold on the auction block. Finally, a chance to purchase your very own abraham lincoln. Honey glazedga prednisone or your dads friend from work. But only one president for me, Martin Van Buren, our most eighth president , the notorious m. V. B. Was responsible for the trail of tears. He caused the Great Depression of 1837, and was beloved for his nickname the little magician. I knew i had to drop everything and go get him. But it was a saturday. So i sent out my most single and childless staff member, aerial. Ahhh hopefully, someone fed her cats. Aerials mission, bring back Martin Van Buren at any cost under 2,000. Yum. But first check out the competition. What brings you here . I h