But i digress. Here, i brought you presents. This, uh. Ball yay, a ball and this. Snake laughter okay. Wait a minute, give me that snake back. Hey hoho, check it out. Its a christmas miracle it sure is. Merry christmas, everyone. And to all a good night. Now up the chimney i go ooooh thats a tight fit. Oops. laughter Merry Christmas announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes Neil Patrick Harris and megan mullally. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody hey hey, jon. Good to see you hey, chris, whats going on . Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thanks so much, everybody, please, sit down. Thanks very much. Welcome to the late show, folks. I am so happy to be here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You can tell cheers and applause you can tell, are you excited for the holidays, coming up . cheers and applause its very i love it. Im feeling good. Im feeling good this christmastime. All my Christmas Shopping is almost started. Im ea jon almost there, right . Stephen im ahead. Hey, you know whos having a good christmas . Donald trump. He got what he wanted for christmas america. And hes regifting it to his buddies. Hes appointed some more people to his cabinet. Yesterday, a guy named Stephen Miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. Now, we do not know a lot about him. So far, all we know is, hes a picker, hes a grinner, hes a lover, and hes a sinner. And, some people call him maurice. Now, this is the dope on this guy during the campaign, Stephen Millers job was to warm up crowds before trump took the stage at rallies. All right, welcome to the rally, everybody. Hey, where are you guys from . Cool. Were going to deport you right back there, okay. Now put the mic over here. Now, trumps cabinet really is taking shape, and its important that it takes shape, because theres this thing called the line of succession, and it involves most of the cabinet. It goes the president , then Vice President , speaker of the house, secretary of state, the grimace, i believe. laughter just kidding, obviously, theyre all white. laughter jon hey, now stephen its true, its true, its true. Grimace is a person of color. Now purple, purple, but still. Jon yeah, yeah, he is. Stephen here is the actual chart for the line of succession, which doubles as the chart of haircuts you can get at the senior center. laughter now, for those of you out there concerned with diversity, dont worry. The secretary of agriculture appears to be a black guy. laughter applause dont know who he is. Dont know much about him. Dont know much about him. But he seems very nice. But he seems very nice. Stephen now, yesterday, donald trump was in wisconsin, hiding from his intelligence briefing, and he surprised the crowd when he talked about how he felt on Election Night, about all the polls that said he would lose. I really assumed i lost. You know, look, i believed that these things are supposed to be correct, so i sort of thought i lost, and i was okay with it. Stephen yes, i was, too. cheers and applause i was okay with that. I was okay with that. Jon i saw that, i saw that. I was there, too. Stephen that idea did not upset me. Then trump shared a very personal moment. I go and see my wife. I said, baby, i tell you what. Were not going to win tonight. Stephen that is actually my favorite sinatra song. laughter hit it, jonny baby were not gonna win tonight the crooks on the news were it woulda been a thrill to lock up hill but, baby were not going to win tonight chee and applause a little high. A little high. A little high. Trump then went on to describe the moment he realized victory was within his tiny grasp. You know, with the map bing, bing, bing boy, that map was gettin red as hell that map, that map was bleeding red stephen wow. The fact that he was shocked makes me feel closer to donald trump. Because i didnt know this it turns out he also would have been unprepared to host my Election Night show. That would have been two of us. A bit of a shocker. Point is, were all still dissecting what happened in this elti jill stein is demanding recounts; Hillary Clinton is in the woods restaging the debates with a dead squirrel. Well get them. Were going to win this one. laughter one thing that may have tipped the balance was wikileaks releasing thousands of Clinton Emails obtained by Russian Hackers. And we just found out how they did it. Apparently, hackers sent hillarys campaign chairman, john podesta, a fake warning email telling him he had to change his password, and when the clinton folks clicked on it, Russian Hackers got access to all of his emails. I cant believe a trick this obvious took down the most Sophisticated Campaign in history. That would be like winning world war ii by luring hitler out of his bunker with a fake lady hitler. laughter by the way, fake lady hitler . Jon whats that . Stephen my second favorite sinatra song is fake lady hitler. Jon oh, you know that one . Youve got some gams goosestepping into czechoslovakia no . No . I dont want to i havent got the gams. Fake lady hitler fake lady hitler i like your mustache im running towards you im gonna dash. Jon hey, i like that. Stephen it was never released. Sinatra never released that one. Jon yeah, the deep cut. Stephen and it gets even crazier, because this hack would not have happened at all, except for one thing when a podesta aide tried to verify if the hacker email was real, another staffer replied, this is a legitimate email, when he had meant to type that it was an illegitimate email. So thats it, there it is. The entire election hinged on a typo. It really legitimizes our democracy im sorry, de legitimizes. Thats a typo. I apologize for that. So now applau so now applause clapping for the end of democracy cheers so now trump is getting ready to move into the white house, and he has announced his first decoration for the oval office a letter written to him by president nixon. He is going to mount it on the wall right next to his stuffed head of jeb bush. laughter now the letter was written its a real letter, it was written in 1987 and it says, dear donald, i did not see the program, but mrs. Nixon told me that you were great on the donahue show. as you can imagine, she is an expert on politics, and she predicts that whenever you decide to run for office, you will be a winner what pollster did pat nixon use, nostradamus . laughter but littleknown fact that was not the only letter nixon sent to trump. And we at the late show have obtained, from our contacts deep within the national archives, a trove of hithertofore hitherto unreleased correspondence from president nixon to president trump. These are the nixontrump letters, volume one. Let me get into character here. Im Richard Nixon okay. Im Richard Nixon. laughter aboogabooga. Dear donald, i wasnt watching the tv, but pat tells me that you were excellent on wrestlemania. laughter i suspect the whole thing is a fraud. How can the macho man take that many folding chairs to the head . Give my best to the hulkster. Yours, dick. Im really deeply into character at this point. Jon yeah, i see that. Stephen i am not a crook. Okay. Dear donald, i did not see the program, but pat tells me you were wonderful on the fresh prince of belair. just like him, on the playground was where i spent most of my days, chillin out, maxin, relaxin, all cool. I hope when you run for office, you will use this experience to reach out to the afroamericans. Please remind them that lincoln was a republican. Love, dick. laughter laughter this is me being casual. Dear donald, pat and i have followed your campaign closely. How do you keep getting away with this bleep . laughter i mean bllll blll i mean, leaked recordings sunk my reputation, and you talk about bleep and still get elected . You got some balls, buddy. Sincerely, Richard Nixons ghost. cheers and applause thanks so much. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Patrick Harris is here. Stick around blll discover card. Customer service maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Nuits earned in every wash. Earned overnight. And reearned every day. Tide. Americas number one detergent. You never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, join directv today starting at 35 month. No extonra mthly fees. wiback like it could used to . Neutrogena hydro boost water gel. With hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. For supple, hydrated skin. Hydro boost. From neutrogena fios is not cable. Were wired differently. So were offering incredibly fast 150 meg internet, just in time for the holidays. Hurry, freddy, youre gonna miss it coming. I cant believe he is doing this. Its so fast that in the 3. 7 seconds it takes gary watson to beat the local sled jump record, held by gary watson. Fly, gary, fly. His friend can download 13 different versions of the perfect song. His sister can live stream it. While his mom downloads how to se a dislocated shoulder, all at the same time. Only fios offers 150 meg internet with equal upload and download speeds, tv and phone for just 79. 99 per month online for the first year, plus a 200 dollar visa prepaid card with a twoyear agreement. Visit getfios. Com or call 1888getfios to learn more. Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Only from fios. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody my first guest tonight cheers and applause my first guest tonight has a tony and four emmys and a boatload of talent. Please welcome Neil Patrick Harris. Whats up . This is so exciting. Stephen welcome well done, well done, everybody stephen isnt that nice . Whats up stephen people leap to their feet for Neil Patrick Harris. We love you, neil back at you, man. Stephen wait a second you said you loved me, a half an hour ago. Haha, haha stephen theyre easy. Hey, congratulations the last time i saw you, you had not yet won your tony, for hedwig and the angry inch. Congratulations. Thank you very much cheers and applause stephen thats a great achievement. It was so fun. Stephen tony is where its at, man. Anybody can win an emmy, right . Ive got, like, nine of them or something, right . Whos counting. Yeah, whos counting. Stephen and oscars, you can win that for documentary short subject, and grammy has spoken word. But for tonys, you have to bring it, live. You cant fake the tony, man. You cant fake the tony. And it was super fun and very exciting to do, but we actually had a whole chapter a theatrical chapter, together. Stephen we did it was brief. It was a oneweekend theatrical chapter, but did stephen company. At lincoln center. And you were so good. Stephen you did a beautiful job, and i stood on stage with you. It was fantastic. That is so absolutely not the truth stephen it was so the case. There is actually video to prove it that was not true. I was wildly under under prepared, and you were so on your game, you sang great stephen we were all unprepared. We never rehearsed, all together no, i would rehearse the scene stephen until we did the show live in front of an audience. No, youre youre stephen its true. Now youre just lying. laughter stephen its what i do for a living. laughter i had my script in my hand. I arrived a week later than you guys. You were completely off book. You and Martha Plimpton had all these scenes together, you had kungfu bits that you were doing. Stephen we did, we did, yeah. You sang like an angel. Stephen a lot of sondheim is kungfu. A lot of it. Is it weird for you to be here in times square, in the middle of it all, and with no ability to do a musical . Like, do would you stephen i have the ability to i just did sinatra, my friend. I can do i have the ability to do a musical. Do you miss i dont mean skill set cheers and applause stephen i am out of here no, no, no no, im saying quite the opposite. Im saying that you have the talent to do a musical, but you have this gig that youre doing, that keeps you here stephen it is nice to be on broadway every night. If you were to do a musical, what would do you . What would stephen jesus christ, superstar, obviously. laughter what other musical is there, my friend . Jesus christ do you know jesus christ, superstar . Ive heard of it. laughter stephen what would you want to do . Fake lady hitler. laughter stephen i am telling you its such a great show. laughter and applause stephen theres an entire score of fake lady hitler. Now, would you want to play hitler, or fake lady hitler . Oh, fake lady hitler. Stephen obviously, thats where its at. I won a tony for hedwig. Stephen exactly how can i not do fake lady hitler . Stephen when youve got a tony, can you just walk up anywhere, like any broadway show, and go, i think youve got tickets for me. Yo, hamilton is not sold out tonight ive got a tony. Im sorry, we dont have any tickets tonight. Stephen how about for my friend, anthony . Does he have some tickets . laughter youre doing well, but, like, even though, like, youre a big star and everything like that, and i know youre probably rolling in it, you might get a hurt on your budget this gideon. Stephen obviously, you and your husband, david, have two beautiful children, gideon and harper. Twins. Stephen and gideon has put out a christmas list, and, lets see, this is what it says. It says, 1, bounce house. laughter 2 and is this what it says . Lifesized rocket ship. laughter cheers and applause thats what he wants. Stephen and did this did this get mailed to santa . Not just yet. laughter thats thats what hes after. Stephen yeah. You live in the city, right . We live in the city we have yeah, a brownstone in the city. I know, thats what i said to him where are we supposed to put a lifesized rocket . Stephen but is there a chance the rocket will come true . It might not be lifesized. But it will our daughter, harper, asked for a pink karaoke machine. Stephen thats nice. But pink . laughter i get the karaoke part, but does it need to be pink . Stephen she she is fine with, you know, western gender normative choices. Yeah. Stephen and you are not to judge her for that. I dont judge the stephen do not judge her choices but, her other but, Stephen Stephen how she identifies is none of your damn business thats true, thats true. And its really santas list. Her the other thing she asked for was a dollhouse, but a life sized dollhouse, for her. laughter and i said stephen how big is she . We actually have a photo. We have a photo right here. Shes 48 inches tall. Stephen this is you and david and the kids. I said, harper that was halloween. I said, harper, a lifesized dollhouse for you is just a house. You want me to get a house for you . And she said, yeah. And i said, again i said, what is it with these giant gifts . Where do we put a lifesized dollhouse thats large enough for you or a person . Well put it up on the roof. Stephen with the with the bouncy castle. With the and the stephen and the rocket ship. So, yeah, its going to be a late night on the 24th. Stephen you and david put out some incredibly adorable photos of you and the kids. This is your halloween photo, right . We do a fun halloween picture every year. Stephen okay, every year. Do you ever feel like youre like its going to become an arms race . Like, every year theres a cuter one. At some point, youre just going to peak out, and the kids are going to go, dad, you totally failed this year. What is going on . Well, what i i dont worry about that because i just love halloween and i think its super fun and a great thing to do. Its a Good Opportunity to put on some silly costumes, but and get scared. I love haunted houses. But, what i think is going to be tough is when they start dictating what the costumes are going to be. Because right now, we can say, weve got this great idea, and heres what were going to do. Old hollywood. See this . You know, its her name is marilyn monroe, and youre going to well watch a little clip of marilyn monroe, and thats what youre going to and theyre kind of okay with it, but in a year or two theyre going to just declare it has to be something else, and w going to thats the arms race. Stephen oh, no, but you they will, absolutely. By the time they become teenagers, youll be lucky if they talk to you, of course. Understood, but heres the thing, Stephen Stephen your costume is, you two are invisible. And were going to go have fun. laughter speaking of which, weve got to go take a little break. Dont go no way, well be dont go no way . Stephen dont go any way. Well be right back with more Neil Patrick Harris. cheers and applause band playing my hero zero by lemonheads zero really can be a hero. Get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first months payment on select volkswagen models. Right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event. It helps put some distance. Between you and temptation. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. Try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. band playing applause stephen hey, cheers cheers. Were having a few. cheers and applause were having a cheers and applause were having a holiday cocktail here right now. Yum, Old Fashioned stephen its an Old Fashioned, right there. Thats my holiday drink, and every day i