I have skills. Were, like, adorable little navy seals. But im not feeling that adorable right now. Stephen why . Because i did the thing with the cereal and the cookies . I took an oath to be courteous and cheerful, and i try by god, i try. But when i see our thin mints degraded like this, i to mend it stephen fine i just love your cookies so much i wanted to try your cookie cereal, but ill just wait ill wait till january, okay . Just dont hurt me shes crazy youre crazy im scared. You know what . Im not going to let her tell me what to do. Im going to eat this cereal right out of the trash can. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes Mary Louise Parker. Pusha t. And musical guest the Record Company. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey hey, everybody welcome to the late show. cheers and applause oh . . Thanks, everybody thank you so much welcome to the late show hey, jon whats going on . Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. Chanting my name, thats amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. I dont know, there is something in the air. Well, only 12 days are left between now and donald trump cheering thats such a happy thought. Just hold on, snoopy. Jon hold on stephen but heres the deal. Donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house which, hopefully, is as close as he gets. laughter i dont know. Maybe we could put up one of those invisible fences and a shock collar like you give your doberman. laughter but yesterday, trump was asked about and had a perfect defense for the ribbon cutting. I cant take one hour off to cut a ribbon at one of the great hotels of the world . I mean, i think im entitled to it. Stephen yes, i think im entitled to it. Which is also the motto on the trump familyst laughter applause yeah. And his pickup line at bars. audience reacts jon oh oh oh stephen i mean, after all the money i spent on tic tacs, i think im entitled to it. laughter and trump seized the moment to because, you know, Hillary Clinton goes to see an adele concert last night, and everybody says, oh, wasnt that nice . Isnt that wonderful . She goes, she does one stop, she has no energy, shes got nothing going. She does one stop, and nobody complains about that. Nobody complains when she goes to an adele concert all night long. Stephen yeah, nobody complained, except for bill after she screamed the entire song hello directly into his face. laughter singing hello laughter point is, the election is getting ugly. Or as trump would say, it wouldnt be my first choice. applause i dont think so, folks. Listen to this shocking act of vandalism. Today, before the sun rose, a star was attacked on the Donald Trumps star. A protester smashed it with a sledgehammer and then posted the video online. Stephen a lot of people are applauding this, but this is the hollywood walk of fame. As a tv star, trump has earned the right to have his name urinated on by a guy in a spiderman costume. laughter applause all right . Thats sacred. That is a s and defacing public property isnt the only dirty trick the democrats have pulled this election. Conservative activist james okeefe has released hidden camera footage of democratic operatives discussing plans to disrupt donald trump rallies. And the footage is pretty damning. I mean honestly, it is not hard to get some of these bleep to pop off. Its a matter of showing up, to want to get into the rally, in a or, you know, trump is a nazi, you know . You can message to draw them out, and draw them to punch you. Stephen so democratic operatives were training paying activists to incite violence at trump rallies. Which is a waste of money. Donald trump already does that for free. And now okeefe has released a video of d. N. C. Member and man porn, bob creamer, who was caught on hidden camera admitting he sent a man in a donald duck costume to disrupt a trump rally. In the end, it was the candidate, Hillary Clinton, the future president of the united states, who wanted ducks on the ground. So by god, we will get ducks on the ground. Stephen yes, Hillary Clinton ordered ducks on the ground. It was all part of operation laughter applause now, we spend a lot of time talking about trump and hillary on this show. But theres a third candidate whos surprised people with his momentum. Sorry, libertarians, its not gary johnson. Im talking about independent candidate Evan Mcmullin. Anybody recognize him . You shouldnt because that wasnt him. laughter thats a stock photo titled caucasian politician smiling in government building. This is Evan Mcmullin, the conservative mormon who, in one recent poll, is ahead of both donald trump and Hillary Clinton in utah. This is unprecedented. A candidate youve never heard so who is Evan Mcmullin . Hes a 40yearold independent who spent ten years in the c. I. A. Hunting down alqaedas. Leaders. Hes a c. I. A. Agent and his cover is so deep, hes running for president , and we had no idea. Thats good hes really good we didnt know. Nobody knew. Stephen this is the american dream, ladies and gentlemen. A regular guy sees something wrong with the system,he some are calling it reminiscent of Jimmy Stewart in mr. Smith goes to washington. Not to be confused with Jimmy Stewart in its a wonderful life, which reminds us of how watching this election makes us wish wed never been born. laughter now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . Stephen i love the beethoven, jon. Jon so do i. Stephen beethoven can be a little spooky, dramatic. Jon almost halloween. Stephen what are you going to be for halloween, man . Stephen i was a power Ranger Stephen what color . I was the red ranger but i never left my house. Stephen you got dress up as the red ranger and then just sat in your house . There is proof on instagram to prove it. I put it on but i was embarrassed so i didnt leave. Stephen why were you embarrassed . Because when i was a kid, i wanted to be the red ranger. Ranger . Because im not a kid anymore. Stephen i love halloween. Please dont be embarrassed. Yeah. Stephen i love halloween. You like it . Jon i love it. Its great. Stephen you know the one thing halloween lacks is there is no really good halloween noveltiy songs. Sure, theres the monster mash, but thats over 50 years old. We need a new one. I recently took the matter into jon oh, yeah. So, i got together with my good friends, hip hop impressarios run the jewels, and we created what i have to believe will be an instant holiday classic. So tonight, im proud to present the World Premiere of the song youll all be singing with your ghouls and goblins. This is the halloween wiggle. Aye ha ha ha ha . I could feel in my bones something wasnt quite right . . I walked downstairs and i opened the door . . And what i saw set me jaw to the floor . . At first i was scared . . Then i started to giggle . . cause i saw dragla do the halloween wiggle . . This aint ya daddys monster mash. The jewel, the jewel . . The graveyard smash. Im about to find out if youre a treat or . Spread your cobwebs, arch your back and ill stick my hand down your candy sack . . Halloween might you bite on your pillow like its a marshmallow . . Listen up close . . There is a creepy wiggle i dig the most . . Stretch your back wings, make them clap and dont forget to do the skeleton clap . . Haunt you so hard with my unwrapped snickers. Stick my face in a candy bar . . Turn you around, lick your hershey . . Fun, if you bring your gang . . Be ware of casper and his spooky chain . . Keep your eyes peeled for ghouls and ghost . . Halloweens a treat and i dig it the most . . Take it to the . Gonna give you a treat because youre my trait . . You dress as a witch . . Ill provide the broomstick . . Trick or treating is about as much as fun as you can get . . I whip out my monster bleep . . And were still wiggling, the halloween wiggle . . Make the candy apples jiggle talking about fruit . . But now the partys over and its time to scoot . . So go home guys . . Put some candles on . . And jack your lantern till the break of dawn . Kids are washing. He said hershey bleep . You said hershey bleep . Youre laughing about it. . cheers and applause stephen thank you run the . cheers and applause i was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why initiating retrieval sequence. Activating thrusters. Target acquired. Dang it ah come on astronauts can vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. Make time for snapple. . . . I am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. So we wired the wagners house with 100 meg internet. Which means in the time it takes mr. Wagner to pour a 20 oz. Cup of coffee, only fios lets you upload as fast as you can download. This is your last chance to go online to get our best offer ever. Super fast 100meg internet, tv and phone for just 69. 99 per month online for twoyears guaranteed, with a twoyear agreement. Installation is easier than ever and theres no cost to cancel if you change your mind within 30 days. Go to getfios. Com or call 1888. Getfios to learn more. Hurry, our best offer ever ends soon. For just 69. 99 per month online for twoyears, guaranteed. Only from fios. Stephen welcome back. If you watch the show regularly, you know im a practicing catholic. Unfortunately, i dont make it to church as often as i used to, and the thing i miss most is confession. Unburdening myself of my sins takes a huge weight off like the pope must feel when he takes off that huge hat. laughter so, i was wondering if i could make a few confessions tonight to you, my audience. You wont ll audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. . cheers and applause standard disclaimer these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. or organ music forgive me, audience you know those little silica packets that have a warning on them saying do not eat . Thats because of me. I tell people i want to be cremated, but really i hope someone puts my skin on a robot. laughter sometimes i tell people im too busy to read, but really i just dont want to spoil any book in case it becomes an hbo show. laughter not only do i not know how to fold a fitted sheet, i dont believe it can be done. laughter when somebody says, knockknock, i pretend im not home. laughter audience whenever i hear some nerd go on and on about star wars, i want to slap him with my original Star Wars Episode 7, replica kylo ren light saber in its original packaging. laughter applause sometimes on the street, i check my pulse and look at my watch just to make people think ive been exercising. laughter yeah, im in the zone. I read erotic fan fiction, but i write erotic fan nonfiction. You know, audience im sad that obama is leaving office, but im really looking forward to seeing him get kind of fat. laughter i dont like shag carpeting because it looks like someone killed and skinned a muppet. laughter ive only been rockclimbing once. And boy, was Dwayne Johnson mad. applause i tell everyone im a hufflepuff, but im actually more of a chandler because i took the wrong quiz. laughter i love sunrises because, by forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with Mary Louise Parker. . cheers and applause enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . Okay, just a few more steps. Its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data when you switch to at t and have directv. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . . 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Dont they have that where you live, like they have the bucket out already with candy . Stephen i dont live in a doorman building. Im sorry, stephen. Stephen ill get there. Ill put some outside your place. Stephen do you still dress up. Last year someone thought i was dressed as me. Stephen they thought you were somebody dressing up to be Mary Louise Parker . Yeah. They said, shes not as tall as stephen do you have a costume worked out for this year . This year my daughter and i are going to be vampires. Stephen thats cool. Im a vampire every year. Okay. Stephen its the sexiest of the undead. Right. Stephen dont you think . I guess so. I mean, i went one year, i did mermaid and then i did an elf because my son wanted to be santa, and i got a lot of attention as the elf, i have to say more than snow white mermaid. And i was more covered, also. It was a more demure costume. Kind of nordic, fantasy, like north pole, velvet, crushed velvet. Stephen okay. We should move on. This is cbs. So you were at show time for years. I was. I went on show time back when people made fun of me for being on show time. Of you for being on lat show t. Were going to do our show live on show time from 11 00 to 12. Would you advise that . If youre on show time you have to be at least partially naked. Its also a good idea, are you going to have sex . Some sexual laughter stephen on air, live . With some punitive light fondage, makes the ratings. Stephen depends on how the polls are coming in. You dont have to. I mean, you know. Stephen im up for it. Im up for it. Yeah. Now, you live in a doorman building, you said, but i understand you also have a farm you care about. I do care. I like that. Oh, here it is. Stephen some people have farms but they dont live there. They take a picture of it. Stephen exactly. This is maple syrup we tapped the trees for this syrup. Thats my daddy on the back. Stephen oh, thats really sweet. I know, and we its just straight out of the tree. Stephen high moon creek. Boil it. You cant just take it straight out of the tree. We boil it quite extensively a few times and filter it. Stick a straw in a maple tree. You could, its not as sweet. Are you going to taste it . Im so excited. cheering stephen thats damn fine thats good, right . Stephen wow whats that, like a medium amber . What is this . This is the first crop, first batch, so its nice, right . Stephen thats really good. Wow. So you birth the animals. With some of your goats. You had to get real hands on with a randy goat. Well, the goats are given me lots of opportunities as an adult. I get to say my favorite sentence ive ever said to my children which was could one of you get that umbilical cord off the coffee table . laughter yeah. Stephen yeah, one of the things weve lost in our modern life. It is. I liked being able to i loved stephen yeah. There was a goat. I wasnt pushing for castration of the goat stephen so the goat was in trouble with the herd . Yeah, lobbying for the other dude goats who werent getting a shot. They werent getting any chances at the lady goats. Stephen thats major. This one billy goat was really ravaging the lady goats. Stephen bully or stud . Fine line. I see what you mean. laughter but in the end i felt like he laughter applause yeah, okay. He went after my sons goat, who i have a real soft spot for, and thats when i really said this is where it stops. Stephen get the gelding sheers. Theyre actually called denutters. I swear to god they are. If you ever have me on again which you probabl bring them with me. Stephen please do and sit in that chair. laughter it really was my way of i was trying to end list the support of everyone elses support of the male goats. They werent getting any play. The ladies were limping around, bleating sadly to themselves. They were exhausted. Stephen so did you end up chopping off the nuts of this goat . In fact, we didnt. And my neighbor was holding him down and we ultimately dearmed the goat. Stephen was he that bad . Im pretty good with anatomy, but when it comes to extremes stephen goat time. Exactly. We thought if