And a performance by comedian paul mecurio. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Noand w its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whooo hey, how are you . Hey, everybody hey, up there. Hey, down here welcome to the show nice to see you. Everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. That never happened before. The garage door didnt open when i came out here. I guess i didnt have my key card in my pocket. Im not sure. Magnetic or something. Well, folkses, welcome to the show, you can feel a sense of relief in the nation right now. Jon thats right, thats right, you can feel it. Stephen last night, the last primary was held in washington, d. C. cheers and applause the primaries being over reminds me what my brother used to say when i was a kid ah, im going to keep punching you in the face but it will feel so good when its over. laughter jon it never does stephen dont tell mom last night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders by 57 points. applause turns out, running as a when youre running inside washington. But hillarys win is not the biggest democratic news from yesterday because it is now being reported that the Democratic National commit was hacked by the russians. Hey, maybe they know where hillarys emails are. And while they were in the d. N. C. Cyber matrix this is my cyberring the russians apparently Stole Opposition Research on donald trump. Russia, what are you doing . If you want damaging information about donald trump, just wait for him to talk. laughter cheers and applause its on the tv you can record it. Its on your phone. And its the most adorable Security Breach of all time because the Russian Hackers are codenamed cozy bear and fancy bear. I assume this is all part o operation panda giggle rainbow sparkle. Well, i, for one, am terrified at the news that Russian Hackers are targeting us, so i hired some new i. T. Guys to check my server. Hows it going over there, brian . Aokay, cowboy cheers and applause everything is top gun blue jeans stephen thanks, thanks. Makes me feel better. But were not the only government with problems out there. The british are about to vote on whether to exit the european union. They call it the brexit, which, in america, of course is the meal between breakfast and exiting breakfast. And right now in the polls, brexiting has a sevenpoint lead over station in the european union. And it could be even bigger than it sounds because, remember, british s but theres also happy news from the british isles. I just read a man in ireland has found a 2,000yearold, 22pound, stilledible hunk of bog butter. applause yeah. 2000yearold butter that is butter from the time. Jesus. Youre telling me i could eat 22 pounds of butter and have abs like that . Thats a miracle now, one theory hes cut. Jon hes cut, man. Stephen carpenter, man, works the core, works the work. One theory holds that the butter was buried by ancient priests as a ritual offering to the gods. And one expert says, theoretically, the stuff is still edible, but we wouldnt say its advisable. laughter coincidentally, edible but not advisable also the slogan for slim jims. cheend yes. Slim jims, it looks like hair and oil in a tube. Well, folks, locktime viewures know not visible is my middle name. So i got some of that bog butter, and im going to eat it right here tonight. Bring it out, boys bog butter. Thank you, ed. Thank you for your service. applause all right. Here we go. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. thunder oh, lowly human, take heed you must not partake of the sacred butter that was gifted to the gods of yore laughter stephen why, because if a mortal eats it, he will be cursed . No, because its been in the ground. Its gross. You do know that your modern Grocery Stores are full of butter, right,ik kroger. Behold the sacred butter rumbling noise stephen thank you. You know thats margarine, right . What . I cant believe its not butter laughter applause stephen did you appear from the primordial past just to set yourself up for that joke . Yes. Stephen ancient butter druid, everybody. Can i stay for Liam Hemsworth . Stephen no youre no fun. Stephen off now say hey to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. applause cheers and applause stephen thank you very much thank you. cheers gotta say, that ancient bog butter really was pretty bad. Its unsalted. I dont know. So last night i was watching reunions when i stumbled on one of my favorite old tv shows quantum leap. Do you guys remember that show . applause ban pacific, i loved it. Scott bakula leaps back in time into different peoples bodies in order to change history. And i saw this actual episode of quantum leap, where bakulas character, dr. Sam beckett, leaps into the body of a 50s new york cab driver and influences special young boy. So where you goin . A brokers meeting, new york realtors. Oh, well, you know, theres gonna be a lot of money made in real estate in the future. Really . Where . Oh, um, well, i bet there are gonna be a lot of taller buildings all around here. And, um, might even be some big glass tower right there next to tiffanys. Here you go. Come on, donald. Hello, mr. Trump. Trump . See ya. Stephen there it is cheers and applause did you hear that . He said, mr. Trump. Donald trumps rise is the fault of scott bakula. He should never have revealed the secret that new York Real Estate is valuable. Well, we might be able to reverse this bec own quantum leapy thing right here so i can leap back and stop it from happening. You guys ready cheers and applause okay, ziggy, set quantum leap accelerator for the year young donald trump. It worked dr. Sam beckett cheers and applause please, stephen, call me scott bakula. Stephen sure thing, dr. Beckett. Now pick up little trump and lets get ready to change the future. Remember, im a hologram that only you can see or hear. And why is that again . Stephen i dont know its your show. Where you headed, kid . My dads office. Some day im gonna be in real estate just like him stephen okay, scott, fix the future. Well, it sounds like a good job. But, listen, kid, promise me youll never get into politics. Its a cruel business, and you couldnt handle it. beeping stephen oh, thats not good. Ziggy says theres an 85 chance that trump goes into politics sooner just to, show some dumb cab driver who said i couldnt handle it and hes elected president . Stephen no. Hes elected pope oh, my god stephen his god now do something. Hey, kid, you know what i think . Mexican people are really nice. Yeah, mexicans are great beeping stephen scott, no no what . Stephen now he falls in love with a mexican girl named mariela, and she ends up breaking his heart theres a 99 chance here that pope trump still builds the wall, deports all the hispanics, plus anybody named paul. Whos paul . Stephen the guy mariela left him for what should we do . What are we going to do . Do you have a moisture in your pocket, youre the one who messed this up. I dont want to tell you how to do your george but its the middle of the nighty, nobodys around, youve probably got a crowbar in the trunk, and the east river is right over there. What are you saying, stephen . Stephen im not saying anything, scott. Look, kid, forget about real estate. Its a terrible investment. beeping stephen uhoh, scott. Now an 80 chance that instead of real estate, trump gets into bioengineering and ends up cloning dinosaurs who devour anyone who questions the word of megapope trump laughter what are we going to do . Stephen i dont know. How are you so bad at this terrible at this at the least, at the very least, please your cigar is not even lit gli cant. Its illegal to smoke on stage here for petes sake, show some professionalism and try to set this thing back where it was before. All right, all right, all right. All right, listen to me, kid. Forget everything i said to you tonight. Just do whatever you want and always say the first thing that comes to your mind. Shut up, you clown so, did it work . Stephen were about to find out stephen whew. Hey ziggy says we did it, trump is still running for president but the time stream is back to normal. Thank god we didnt create some weird future, scott. You can say that again, stephen. Stephen good boy, ncis new orleans on on tuesday nights right here on cbs. Scott bakula, everybody. Well be right back with Liam Hemsworth. applause whistle now go left, left, left, left. Run to old navy for activewear from 5. 00 and up to 50 off the entire store. Making their getaway in a prius. Have outlasted authorities by this game ends now. To catch a prius, youve gotta be a prius. Guys, whats that . Oh, man. Toyota. Lets go places. Your starting lineup. No other scents feel like glade. Melt your mood with our hawaiian breeze fragrance. Feel relaxed, feel glade. And our adult childrenlaws have are here. Still. D in with us. So we save by using tide. Which means we use less. Three generations of clothes cleaned in one wash. Those are moms. Has anybody seen my pants . Lasts up to two times longer. Put those on, dad its got to be tide. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody you know my first guest from the hunger games films, and i know him from when we go clubbing together. He now stars in Independence Day resurgence. Sector thats me, 12 00. Come on, come on oh, bank left stephen please welcome Liam Hemsworth. cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Stephen very nice for the people to see you, too, theyre excited. A standing clap. Thats wonderful. Stephen what did you call it, a stand and clap . A stand and clap. Stephen we call that a standing ovation. Or a standing ovation. Stephen its simpler. I didnt finish school, stephen you know im a Liam Hemsworth fan, right . Really. Stephen i mean, of the brothers, of thes hemsworth brothers, the three of you, im on team liam. Are you . Good. cheers and applause stephen you didnt know this . No. Stephen i said publicly when your brother chris was named people magazines sexiest man alive i went on the air and said,hes not even the sexiest hemsworth alive. Thats you. I didnt know that. Thats fantastic. Stephen please tell him i said that and have him come on the show. Ill change my tune if hes sitting there. Youre the baby, right . Im the baby, yup. The runt of the litter. Stephen what was that like being the baby of those guys . Were you coddled by them, or were you used as a tackling dummy . There was definitely some shenanigans growing up. Stephen shenanigans. Shenanigan s. Stephen this is a family im the youngest of eight brothers and i was used, like, as a wrestling dummy. I heard 11. Stephen eight boys, three girls. The girls were nice to me, the boys were abusive. Thats one of the biggest families ive heard about. Thats incredible. Stephen did they do anything to you loving but violent. Loving but mostly traumatic. They used to put me in the dryer a lot. laughter . Stephen really . Yeah, they wouldnt put the heat on, but theyd put me in there just a little fluff to get wrinkles out. Now, did your parents know this was happening . Well, i think they kind of just turn a blind eye to that sort of thing. What are you going to do . Theyre going to do what theyre going to do. Stephen im not telling any tales out of school here but youre from australia. Yes. Stephen and americans have a lot of misconceptions about australia. We think its an incredibly dangerous place where everything every sr is that true . Its 100 true, yeah. Stephen really, as a kid, was it spieders and snakes and that kind of things . Lot of lot of deadly snakes air, few deadly spiders, big sharks, big crocodiles. Stephen yeah . And, you know, you just got to fight your way through life. laughter stephen and even if you make it through that your brothers stuff you in a dryer at the end of it. Exactly. Stephen i understand your dad, your dad what would he do to water buffalo . I heard this story. I want to make sure ive got this right. Yeah, my mom and dad, when i was about two years old, we lived on a cattle station in the outback in australia. Stephen is that like a ranch . We call that a ranch up here . Yeah, a little more remote, i think, and a little more dangerous, than a typical ranch. Stephen so tougher than an American Ranch. Okay. Tougher than an American Ranch gli knot you. I dont want to offend anyone. Were in america. Stephen too late, too late. Bua catch water buffalo and the way they doha is they strap tires around the frontave jeep and they drive up next to a buffalo as its running away and they knock it over and tie it up and throw it on the the back of a truck. laughter . Stephen you knock it over and the buffalo goes, you got me, okay, go ahead. No, not at all. Youve got to jump out real quick and with a number of large men get on top of that buffalo and tie him up. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen and then it gets dragged to the outback steakhouse, and then they pretty much, yeah. Stephen what do you whats the most offensive thing that americans say to someone let me get that for you. Sorry about that. Stephen i dont want you to drown in half an inch of water. Thank you, thank you bless you. Stephen whats the most offensive thing that americans say to seem industrialian. Is it like, thats not a knife. Would you like a that one i would say the worst is shrimp on the barbie. Shrimp on the barbie are there not barbies down there. We definitely have barbies, but we dont call shrimp, shrimp, we call them prawns. And typically in australia we dont barbecue prawns, we boil them. So the whole statement is ridiculous. I dont want to hear it anymore. Stephen all right, thats it. You heard it. cheers and applause its over. No more no more. Okay, well, the new movie is Independence Day resurgence how old were you when the the first one came out 20 years ago. Six years old. Stephen did gusee it . I didnt go see it in the theater. I watched it with my brothers on videotape. I had it on videotape you. Stephen are old, videotape. Yeah, vhs. Stephen now, it doesnt come out on Independence Day this year. It comes out next friday, right . The 24f weekend before Independence Day. I dont know what the reasoning behind that is. Stephen is that australian Independence Day . Do you guys have an Independence Day or are you not independent . No, were pretty independent down there. Stephen really. I think industrial is quite independent. Stephen do you still have the queen on your money . Yes. Stephen then youre not independent. Sorry, there you go. We have to take a little break. Premieres next friday, not the 4th of july. Well be right back with more Liam Hemsworth. band playing its difficult to see someone you love struggle. I miss out on lifes little moments. So i talked to my doctor and he prescribed latuda. There are many forms of depression. Latuda is fda approved to treat bipolar depression, which is different from other types of depression. For many people struggling with bipolar depression. Latuda is not for everyone. Call your doctor about unusual mood changes, behaviors, or suicidal thoughts. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults. Elderly dementia patients on latuda have an increased risk of death or stroke. Call your doctor about fever, stiff muscles and confusion, as these may be signs of a lifethreatening reaction, or if you have uncontrollable muscle movements, as these may be permanent. High blood sugar has been seen with latuda and medicines like it, and in extreme cases can lead to coma or death. Other risks include decreased white blood cells, which can be fatal, dizziness on standing, seizures, increased cholesterol, weight or prolactin, trouble swallowing and impaired judgment. Avoid grapefruit and grapefruit juice. Use caution before driving or operating machinery. Amy is part of little moments with the family. And those everyday moments feel special to us. Ask your doctor if oncedaily latuda is right for you. Visit latuda. Com but im not gonna let em catch me, no no, not gonna let em catch the midnight rider, yeaaahh. But im not gonna let em catch me nooo not gonna let em catch the midnight riiiiiiiideer everybody. band playing cheers and applause were here with Liam Hemsworth. I believe one of the topquality hemsworths out there. Thank you. Stephen liam, youre a big star, and guys like asked to endorse products all the time. For instance, everybody out there knows im the spokesman for dr. Archibald codwollaps voltaic neck belts. Theres no better cure for colic and imbecility. Do you get asked to endorse some stuff . Absolutely. Stephen is there anything you endorse right now . I endorse a product i helped design, and i have a commercial for it. Stephen i actually have a tv show that always needs commercials. Shall we . Id love to. Stephen jim. Hi, im Liam Hemsworth, and if youre like me, you wish you would hang out with your Favorite Moviey stars whenever you want. Well, now you can if your Favorite Movie star is me. Introducing the premium adultsized Liam Hemsworth replica doll. Each Liam Hemsworth doll is handed made from stateoftheart materials. And hair collected from injured race horses. Replica to be placed in a variety of positions, perfect for your favorite the hunger games poses like waving gail, and not waving gail. And, please, no other poses. Its really the details that make this doll so exemplary. The fashionable casual wear im wearing now, which even though is removable, should really just remain on the doll. And dont forget a realistic smile and patented perma moist mouth. laughter with a doll this real, i wouldnt be surprised if the not, so dont. Call now. The Liam Hemsworth doll is illegal in the following states. cheers and applause stephen it looks good. Thats a quality product. Im going to get me one. Independence day resurgence opens next friday. Well be right back. Liam hemsworth, everybody cheers and applause whatcha gonna do when you get outta here . Im gonna have some fun what do you consider fun . Fun, natural fun yeah, we rocking right now. Theres a party over here. Hey, im in heaven. Oh say, can you see fre