Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2016

And a musical performance by desiigner. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen boom hey hey welcome to the late show. Thank you up there. Thank you down there. Thank you so much, thank you, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. And before we go any further, right off the beep, i have to take a moment right now to congratulate a friend of the show, stephan curry, for being named the n. B. A. M. V. P. cheers and applause well deserved. Boom because he won unanimously, all 131 votes. Yet, somehow, Hillary Clinton was still awarded half the delegates. laughter i dont understand. Congratulations, congratulations, steph curry. Everybody must be so proud back home in. Uh, golden state . And did you see his daughter did you guys see his daughter at the press conference steal the show at the press conference. Take a look at this footage right here. Thats her psyching out the front row. Thats pretty intimidating for a threeyearold. Aiden from gymboree, id think twice about cutting her in the trampoline line. And steph curry is the first ever m. V. P. To win it by unanimous vote. That never happens in anything. Our country is so divided right now, i think thats the ciewnd of unity America Needs right now. I think, i think steph curry should be our next president. cheers and applause that feels right to me. Jon that feels right to me, too. Me,. Stephen think about it. He plays for the warriors. Thats military experience. Hes a job creator because it takes three people to cover him, and hes ready to debate donald trump because he already has plenty of experience slamming round orange cheers and applause . Jon hot dang stephen speaking of donald trump which is now my official job description. laughter everyone today is talking about a new poll showing donald trump this is true, is less popular than nickelback. Now, if you are not familiar with the band nickelback, congratulations on never attending a frat party. How do i describe nickelback . Just imagine the illegitimate child of pearl jam and guy fieri. laughter we laugh, but i want to Say Something tow everybody who is feeling smug because they think this poll proves that donald trump is bad, or unpopular, or as this poll also showed viewed less favorably than thats true. Ironically, donald trump is very popular with head lice. He he is their everest. Because hes there. Because these there. Heres why this shouldnt comfort you. You may think nickelback is uncool, but theyve sold over 50 million records. Their fans dont care that you think that theyre not cool. In fact, they like that you think theyre not cool. Im pretty sure thats what brings them together, because theres no way its the music. laughter applause so trump clearly is going to be fine. But i am concerned about the rest of us because i have just learned that americans are now getting high on imodium. laughter . Jon wow stephen that put a hush over the room. laughter imodium, of course, is n upper or a downer. Its more of a stopper. I believe the street names are cork, plug, the stationary dragon. Apparently the drug imodium contains a very mild opioid. So if you take enough of it, you can get just high enough to think its a good idea to take huge doses of imodium. And now that its being abused, toxicologists have recommended that sales of imodium be limited, like they do with sudafed, which is great news for anyone who desperately needs imodium and now has to wait for the drowsy cvs clerk to find the key to open the cabinet. Lets see, lets uh, cleanup on aisle. You know what . I quit . The point is, its official that americans can no longer be trusted with anything in the drug store. Next, well learn people are snorting groundup glass repair kits and snorting us weekly. It has me saying something i never thought i would say just do drugs. Just do them. Not an easy think to say. Hey, i have a question. Anyone here work . People work. cheers and applause not everyone raised their hand in the band. Not everyone in the band raised their hand. Thats not a good sign. Or its a great sign. It doesnt feel like work. If you work, i have great news for you. The National Labor Relations Board has just handed down a big ruling that your emploca cheers and applause hmmm. Gosh, i wonder where these underpaid government workers came up with that idea . Heres what happened. It was all about an issue with the mobile carrier tmobile. See, the Labor Relations board said that tmobiles employee handbook, which required employees to maintain a positive Work Environment was too restrictive, even though employees were allowed unlimited sadness on nights and weekends. laughter now, this is true. This ruling affects all businesses, including this one. So i need to take a minute right now to tell one of my writers, glenn. Come on out here, glenn. Hi. Stephen hey, glenn. How you doing, glenn . Im fine. Stephen i h news. Stop the presses. Stephen the government says i cant legally ask you to be happy. Really . Stephen yeah, you can be as depressed as you want. Thats fantastic im going to go tell the guys hey, guys, its okay to be sad well, ill tell you glenn, everybody. Stephen ill tell you whos always happy, jon batiste and stay human. Say hi to the band, everybody. applause stephen whoa stephen well, you know, at this point in the election, a lot of the candidates have dropped out of the president ial race like 20. And im not making that up. They may be dropped out, but theyre not gone. In fact, yesterday was senator ted cruzs first day back on capitol hill after dropping out, and people were wondering if a more humbled ted cruz would try to get along better with his fellow senators. And we got our answer in this photo. Look at that parking job i never thought id be saying this, but, senator cruz, you should move a little further to the right. cheers and applause but i noticed Something Else in this photo, beyond teds excellent dbaggery. Of a parking job. Can we put that photo back up for a second, jimmy . S the photojournalistho this photo is a guy named bill clark. And this is true, i went to school with bill clark. And bill and i are really old friends and hes been working in washington as a photojournalist for the past 20 years. I dont want to be too specific lets just say back in high school, bill is the first purpose i did something with that is now legal in colorado. I cant say. cheers and applause i have notiscussed sharing this with you with bill clark, so lets just say it could be night skiing, okay . And heres what happened. I was at our homecoming dance with bill we didnt have dates because we were both, uh, nerds, i believe is the word. It was me, him, Carlos Salinas air, friend of ours who now with the cofan people a true story and the three of us who were so beyond the society of our high school, we were way out in pluto of the social structure of our high school. We show up. We dont have dates. We dont even talk with anybody who could possibly dance with us or be our date. So we decided to leave, and bill, turns out, has a substance that, again, is legal in co colorado. But we have no way to wrap it up. Some substance you sometimes wrap up like little presents and instantly destroy with fire. So we used the comics page from the sunday paper, which i think might be why im a comedian now. laughter i think if i was an x man applause if i was a character from el story. So lets just say i am glad that bill wasnt taking photographs back then. laughter anyway, bill, call me. Meanwhile, in donald trump news or as its called now, news Donald Trumps convention manager, paul manafort, promised that the g. O. P. Convention will be the the ultimate reality show. Yes, the ultimate reality show with singing alaskan crabber housewives and ice road cake hunters who think they can dance and when its over, well all be naked and afraid. This is road to the white house. Theyre cheating us, and theyre friends of mine. Yesterday was primary day in West Virginia. On the republican side, donald trump destroyed his competition nobody. On the democratic side, Bernie Sanders crushed Hillary Clinton 5136. cheers and applause West Virginia coal miners clearly related to the fact that bernie also looked like a man who crawled out of a cave. But even though Hillary Clinton lost West Virginia, she only needs 17 of the remaining delegates to secure the nomination. The math is really against bernie, which is surprising, considering how much bernie has done for math. 3. 5 million. 25 million, 15 million. 27. Stephen and the top. 01 of 1 owns as much as wealth as the bottom 90 , and 2 milk has 50 more than the 1 milk, and six was afraid because seven eight nine, and 525,600 minutes. cheers and applause still, how do you measure a year . Measure in love. Despite his long odds, bernie got a powerful reminder he is a serious contender in this race. Donald trump gave him a nickname. I call him crazy burney because hes not very good. Stephen when it comes to knowing meaning of the word crazy, donald trump is not very good. cheers and applause i just hope i just hope i just hope that Bernie Sanders does not take this nickname lightly because they have destroyed all trumps opponents. Low energy jeb, gone. Little marco, via con dios. Lyin ted, see you, wouldnt want to be you. Seriously, would not want to be you. So this nickname strategy of trumps has been effective. But will it work for the general election . Here to discuss is Donald Trumps chief nickname strategist, timmy jenkins. Timmy, thank you for joining me. Thanks for being here. Have a seat. Timmy, tell me, how do you come up with these nicknames . Well, i have over five years of playground experience making nerds cry. And thats really fun. Also, i once made andy sansewn change schools. Stephen impressive. Why do you think these nicknames catch on so well . Stephen, we have had top focus group testing. We dont pull this out of our hats. Our first choice wasnt little marco. We started with sweaty marco. Then we went todiarrubio, then we tried marco boobio. And off the chart fair little bit we called him marco pubio. Stephen all that research for one candidate. Stephen dont be naive. We do this preparation for all candidates. If rand paul was still in the race, we could have called him bland balls. We did it for carly peearena, jab tush, ted poos, snot walker, and ass kisstie. Stephen hold on. Wait a second. Let me make sure i get that last one right. Ass kisstie . Is that Chris Christie . Duh. Ste yours. Does he know you call him that . He does now. laughter stephen tim, obviously, youre an expert in the field, but are these types of juvenile tactics really good for our democracy . Thats an interesting question. Let me think about that for a minute. Stinky colbutt stephen hey i can smell you from here, host of the lame show with steaming colfart. laughter . Stephen stop it, timmy, stop it ill stop it when you stop hitting yourself stephen what are you talking about hey, hey, hey are. Are you going to cry, you little baby. Stephen im not going to cry. I hate politics. Make America Great again, butt faces stephen well be right back with Kate Beckinsale. More like bait bucketsmell. When systems can help sense your surroundings. And when cameras change your perspective. Thats the more human side of engineering. Experience what a lincoln can do for you at the Lincoln Spring collection event. Your choice of the lincoln mkc or mkz for 289 a month, or get 0 apr for 60 months. Oops, yo mama said, ah oops, yo mama said, ah oops, yo mama said, ah oops, yo mama athe best things in the life are real. So we brew iced tea the way you brew it at home. For real, delicious, leafbrewed iced tea. Pure and simple. Pure leaf. For the love of leaves. No other scents feel like glade. Melt your mood with our hawaiian breeze fragrance. Feel relaxed, feel glade. An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Yeah, we rocking right now. Theres a party over here. Theres a party right now. Hey, im in heaven. New layers to our famous lasagna. With three new irresistible dishes and seafood lovers lasagna. All with our unlimited salad and breadsticks. And all starting at 11. 99. Olive garden. applause stephen everybodys happy everybodys happy jon yeah stephen everybodys has been. Hey, everybody, welcome back. Welcome back to the happy place. My first guest tonight is a talented actress whose films include pearl harbor, serendipity, and the underworld series. She now stars in a new jane austen film adaptation, Love Friendship. Please welcome Kate Beckinsale applause stephen nice to have you here. Hi. Stephen thats a lovely dress. Thank you so much. Stephen its very springlike. It is quite spring like. I was worried it was a bit westernish, saloonish. Stephen a little bit down in the west texas town of el paso do you like that sort of thing . It was an accident. I only realized it at the very last minute. Stephen i do not necessarily associate this look with how many people know you which is the skintight leather vampire who hunts the werewolves. Thats how i intend to go around, if i can. Stephen thats how i know you. Thats how a lot of people know your work. If i hung out with you, would i go, yeah, yeah, totally a vampire. Does your most famous work represent what youre really like . I think the thing is those trousers kind of stick in peoples minds. Stephen yes, they do laughter . I feel board now. But i think, you know, ive done load of them have been in that sort of trouser, but people remember them. Stephen very popular movies. Trousers. Stephen yexactly. I dont know. Im generally not jumping off things and shooting people. Stephen youre not a badass . If you look at my kid the wrong way i might flip a car or two, but thats all the moms, i think. Stephen i found out something shortly before you got here. My producer told me you went to oxford university. I did. Stephen i know you know that. I know youre not surprised. But i was surprised because i look dumb. Stephen no, not at all. I do. Stephen not a lot of actors i met went to oxford university. What did you study when you were there . Russian and french. Stephen russian and french. Oh, my god, you speak russian and you speak french . And i wear those trousers. Stephen so you are a badass. That kicks ass in its own way. I guess. Im very good in an uber. There are a and i can chat with them. Stephen you live in los angeles . Yes. Stephen how long have you been in los angeles . Ages, over a decade. Stephen do you miss london . I cant imagine two places more different. I do, my mom is there and all the people i do silly things with are there. I dont mean that in a dirty way. Stephen that didnt sound dirty. I said, all the people i do sill things with and i felt immense guilt. Stephen you said dirty. I said silly. It felt dirty. It all got away from me in a horrible way. Stephen silly as a way of saying naughty. It could be. I feel like eave gone down an abyss. Stephen are you a silly person . Ish. Stephen are you silly with your friends and family . Again, i mean this in the least naughty way. Okay, perfect. You dont have pantomimes here, do you . Stephen pant miems . Its a christmas show, thats usually a fairy tale. In england theres often a character thats a horse in a costume with two people in it. Stephen or pantomime horse pantomime horse. Stephen you sent along a clip of this. Yes, because i own one, a costume. Stephen wait, lets show the people what weve got right here. cheers and applause . Stephen okay. All right, thats silly. Thats very silly. I can rock so many different kinds of trouser, apparently. That was me in the back. Stephen oh, you were in the back of that . Yes, the tallest person is in the back. There are rules for a horse costume. Very strict rules. Otherwise it makes it a wonky horse. Stephen that, i would definitely upon to look that one exactly. Stephen why and i you know . Why . Why are you dancing around in a horse costume . One, youve obviously not trieded it. Two ive never tried it actually. I have it here in new york so we can try it at some point. I do tend to travel it, just in case of a low moment or feeling depressed or get bad news, you get the horse on and you cheer up immediately. laughter applause stephen i just want to make sure i have this clear. I just want to make sure i have this clear. You travel with a horse costume. Yes. Not if im going only for a weekend. I trust myself to remain happy for two days, but if its a long shoot somewhere in eastern europe, i think there may be a bleak weekend where i feel a bit low in my spirits and, you know, i might want to have a bit of a cantor around the hotel. Stephen to cheer yourself up a little bit. Have you tried massive doses of imodium . Im going to try that next. Stephen youll try that. To try that with you some time. Next time youre here. I was saying yes to the imodium thing. Stephen oh. Weve got to take a little commercial break. Stick around, well be right back with more Kate Beckinsale. cheers and applause 3, 2, 1 cheers and applause stephen were back with one half of a pantomime horse, Kate Beckinsale. The new movie is called Love Friendship. I understand its A Jane Austen story. Yeah. Stephen and jane austen has an interesting thing. Youre a woman. I am. Ask a horse. Stephen and a horse at the same time and the jane austen stories have a very particular early 19th century view of being a woman, what the challenges are of being a woman. Do you think theres any similarity betweenn yeah, i think having worn a corset in the whole movie, i think its so great we dont have to wear corets, but i feel like we now have to be corset, which sucks. Stephen what do you mean . You have to do hot yoga or whatever it is to make you the corset. Stephen to get in the trousers. Were still not allowed to be frumpy. Stephen what book is it based on . Its an unfinished notela. It was called lady susan. Stephen im not familiar