And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, everybody. I am Stephen Colbert and i am so excited because this weekend is the kentucky derby, the one day a year when its legal to bet on threeyearolds. Last years derby and triple crown winner, american pharoah, ti look at this headline. American pharoah is already a champion at the stud life, too. That thats right, he is to use a popular euphemism good at sex. Apparently, american pharaoh breeds in the morning, the afternoon, and sometimes even at 6 00 p. M. , each time with a different mare. That is a lot of awkward trots of shame. laughter cheers and applause three times a day. I do not envy the jockey that has to ride him the whole time, or the guy announcing it and american pharaoh is comin up from behind. And hes still coming up from behind. And he really seems to like it back there. laughter and hes letting her finish first. And laughter applause its just polite. Its just nice. Speaking of kentucky, k. F. C. Has just released friechicken flavored nail polish. It is Finger Lickin possibly toxic. laughter personally, i think its fitting to make our fingers taste like chicken, because given how fast most of us plow through k. F. C. , we dont stop untill we get to the wrist. You know what else is delicious, jon batiste and stay human. Say hi. cheers and applause stephen hey, jon, i didnt get a chance to say hi to you, shake your hand at the top of the show. Jon yeah, man, i miss that when we dont do that. Stephen do you want to do it . O. Jon yeah. Stephen ill meet you in the middle, meet you in the middle. applause cheers no im ready to do the show. You know, mothers day is coming up this weekend, or as most people put it, this weekend laughter youre welcome, by the way. Of course, finding just the right mothers day card can be difficult. But even if you find it, it didnt start that way. Somebody had to write the sentiment on the card, and they dont always get it right on the first try. So tonight were going to look at some of the early drafts of ermoths day cardses in our no, stupid. Stephen now, this what were about to do here is a good oldfashioned talk show desk piece, meaning im going to hold up pictures of the mothers day cards and then theyre going to have jokes on them. This really calls for somebody who help me out, and who better to help me out here at the desk for mothers day than a mom. Are there moms here tonight . cheers and applause lets see, can we can we see . Can we are you a mom . Are you a mom right there . Do you want to do you want to come up on stage . Oh, gosh. Stephen whats your name . Wendy coralet. Stephen wendy coralet, are you alone . Yes, i. Stephen wow. Come on up. That was fast. Wow. Wow, thank you very much. Wendy, thank you so much for doing this. Come on up here. cheers and applause happy mother a day, wendy. Thank you, thank you very much. Stephen if its going to be mothers day, you need a mimosa yes stephen okay. And heres some scones. There you go. Whoa cheers. Stephen mmm. Mmm. What were going to do here is youre going to be my sidekick right now, okay, mom . All right. Stephen and youre going to hand me these cards as i call for them one at a time. Are you ready to do this . Yes. Stephen do you have any plans for mothers day yourself . My sisters and my mother are out here, and were going to rock new york city. Stephen you are going to rock new york city. We are going to rock new york city, you bet. Stephen where are you from . Were from wisconsin. Stephen i cant tell upon i would never have gud. I live in fall river, wisconsin. About 25 miles north and east of madison. Stephen thats good country. Beautiful. Stephen thats cheese country. Yes, it is, badgers. Stephen everywhere is cheese country in wisconsin. Youre right. Stephen hand me the first one. In first drafts we look at first drafts perfect it became the thing you know and love. Here are first drafts of mothers day cards. Heres a nice one with a picture of some flowers that says, thanks for being a great mom. But the first draft said, happy mothers day. Thanks for having sex with dad. You know what, might be a nice card for dad to send, too. Uhhuh. Stephen pace yourself. Pace yourself, wendy. Heres another one. This one says, happy belated mothers day. But the first traft said, sorry, i didnt remember it was mothers day. But you forgot to pick me up after band practice in 7th grade. Paybacks a bitch. Wendy, how many kids do you have . I have three children. Stephen three children. Have you ever forgotten them anywhere . Yes. Stephen is it something youd like to share with us . No, no. Stephen im taig that one, ready . All right. Heres a card that says, im so lucky youre my mom but the original draft had on the inside, but stop calling before 9 00 a. M. I thought someone died. Thats true. When family when family calls early in the morning, late at night, you think its going to be bad news, never going to be good. What your kids names. Jason, and aaron. Stephen is aaron a boy or a girl. And i stephen get out you have a grandson already . I do. It will be three soon. Stephen it will be three . Whats your husbands name . Patrick. Stephen patrick. Youre doing a great job, by the way. Thank you. Stephen heres one with a cute picture of a mother deer and a baby deer and it says, to a wonderful mother. But in the original draft it said, dad just got hit by a minivan. laughter thats terrible. Thats terrible, isnt it . Yes. Stephen thats why they rewrote it. Thats right. Stephen these arent last drafts. These are first drafts. How is this working out for you . Its good. Stephen cool yourself off. Have a little sip right there. Right there. Okay stephen okay. cheers and applause this is our last one right now. Okay, last one right now heres one. A really nice one. It says, happy mothers day to my beautiful wife. Okay. But the first draft said, i cant believe that judge let me marry my own mom. Stephen ooooh again, again, this is why its a first draft. Thats right. Stephen no one would want to send that to anyone. No. Stephen no, they wouldnt. Wendy, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Stephen do you want to give a shoutout to your own mom as long as youre up there. Happy mothers day, mom. I love you. Stephen oh, shes here stephen happy mothers day mom. Thats it for first drafts and mothers day cards. Thank you, wendy. And happy mothers day to all you moms out there. Take the day to focus on you and take the next three days to fix everything that happened when you werent manning the ship. Well be right back with lily tomlin. The Bud Light Party believes in change. 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Ryou know, from Car Insurance sacompanies shouting, save 500 bucks over here. No, save 300 bucks over here. Wait, save 400 bucks right here. With so many places offering so much buck saving, where do you start . We esll, urance was born online, raised by technology, and majors in efficiency. So, theyre actually built to save you money, and when they save, you save. Thats auto and Home Insurance for the modern world. Esurance, an allstate company. Click or call. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a comedy legend who has been delighting audiences for over 40 years. She now stars with jane fonda in the Netflix Series grace and frankie. Please welcome the great lily tomlin band playing cheers and applause stephen thank you. I rarely get a chance to hold the over. It was nice. It was very warm and engaging. I like your sparkly outfit. Its like halfjacket, halfarmor. It kind of makes me rock n roll. Stephen a little bit. You are a little roc rock n r. Youve been making me laugh since 1969 when was laugh in on . When did i see you doing edith anne. It was 19 it was in the midseason after that. It was the next fall. It was 1970 that edith came on. I did ernestine in 69. Stephen for 46 years qliewf been making me laugh not only that, but, of course, 9 to 5, again with your friend jane fonda and dolly parton. And, of course, search for intelligent life in the universe. An incredible, brilliant broadway play that you won the tony for. Yeah, thats right applause . Stephen and nond youre on a roll again because you did grandma last year and now youre doing grace and frankie. Stephen grace and frankie on netflix. Congratulations. Season two is available now. Yes, as of today. Stephen as of today. Okay. How did you get started . Did you always want to be an actress or a comedian . What did you consider yourself . Well, i put on shows when i was a little girl all my life. I lived in an old apartment house on the back porch. And i would sell tickets to the neighbors, you know. laughter . Stephen really . Yeah. I would make them pay, like, a dime or a quarter, whatever the going rate would have been. laughter . Stephen for porch theater. Yeah, porch theater. Why didnt i call it that . Stephen well, its never too late. Its never too late. But anyway, i gave that up when i went to college. I thought kids you dont make a living doing that. I was a bluecollar kid. You dont, you know, have so much fun making a living. You have to, like, do something going to do . I thought ill be a doctor. I really wanted to give to society. Stephen thats hard. But what i would have given them would have been kind of a big mess. laughter . Stephen thats not good from a doctor. You want to be kind of organized, yeah, exactly. What made the turn . Were you actually in med school . No, i never got into med school. I was in a microbiology class with a girl who was voted prettiest girl when i graduated high school, and she she was my best friend, but she could be very empirruous, very grand. Stephen pretty people. But then she could be really ordinary like susie sorority, kind of dufus. One day i was addicted to smelling xylene, which is an oily, mergent slide solvent. Stephen can you get high on it . Can you get high on it . I imagine if you could get your hands on enough of it you could. It was meeted tiny heavy glass bottle s. Stephen if they gave you a little, i that means it was te good stuff. Thats right. I would fill up my bottle two or three times a day. Stephen and you were huffing xylene. Yes go ahead, go ahead. This is an intervention, by the way, this interview. Okay . That would be good. Anyway, i took i took my Compass Point, you know, and i was sort of inhailing xylene and throwing my Compass Point into a wooden lab table. Stephen so you were inhailing xylene and stabbing a table. Okay, okay. Getting ready for med school, as you do. laughter . Anyway, she turned to me and she said, i just abhor mindless vandalism. Very grand. And she said, im going to do read for the mad woman for shio. You should come along there are some small parts. Stephen she was throwing some shade at you . She was. I forgave h part of my largess. So she so i went over to the theater and i and i was too terrified. I didnt know how to audition even though i had been performing. I was the worlds first performance artist. I would do a tap dance. I would do some ballet not sequentially because that would have been too boring. I would i would mix it up. I would imitate my father coming home loded. Stephen yeah, yeah. And i would cut a rope in two and restore it. You probably know how to do that. Stephen i dont. laughter well, well, now youre performing with jane fonda in grace and frankie. Yeah. Stephen and we have a clip here. Its you, the two of you you look like youre at a spa or Something Like that. And youre two women whose husbands have left each other to be with each other. Theyve come to realize their homosexual attraction to each other. Right. To remake your own live. We were in our 70s. Stephen jim, lets look at that clip. I think i know what would cheer you up, a little gossip. I hate gossip. Whos it about . About a certain longhaired beaut wesparkling eyes and a devilish wit. Me, its about me. Let me guess. Youve had another altercation in your food cohelpop. Yes, and ive also recently been kissed. By jacob. He kissed you when . I ran into him at the Farmers Market when i was stalking him at the Farmers Market. How was the kiss . My cheek is still tingling. Stephen i like that relationship. I like that. applause . When i was a kid, i used to talk to my stuffed animals, and now i feel like theyre not even really listening. laughter stephen wouldnt if be great if there was a place we could go and be a kid again. It would be so great if you didnt have to know what you know now. Stephen as an adult. If that place existed stephen but that place does exist, lily. Really. Stephen its called my blanket fort. Stephen hey, lily . Yeah . Stephen hey, i was just thinking, i bet that when youre older and you get the grownup menu at the restaurant, the mazes are way harder. laughter yeah, what . Guess what . Stephen what, what . The tooth fairy has the exact same handwriting as my mom. laughter stephen wow. You know what that means . Yeah, they went to the same school. laughter hey, do you know what puberty is . Stephen i heard its a summer camp where they make you do pushups until your voice changes. laughter i heard its a pill you take that makes you need different pants. laughter stephen the other day i asked my dad what porking means. What did he say . Stephen he said its something not very nice that men and women do. My dad calls that visiting grandma. Stephen hey, hey, lily,. What . mumbling i was asking you if you could understand what im saying right now. No, no . Yeah, i could understand. You were saying your dad likes to teach you how to embroider. laughter applause stephen thats true, thats true. Thats true. Hey, you know what i heard, lily . What. Stephen i heard that season 2 of frankie bleep i just said the word bleep . I just said the word bleep . Dont tell mom bleep . I am gonna tell her. Stephen dont tell her. I will tell her. Stephen dont tell her, i said that. Hey, mrs. Colbert stephen shhh shhh if you if you tell her i said bleep , im not going to tell anybody that season 2 of grace and frankie is on netflix. Lily tomlin, everybody, well be right back. applause Olay Regenerist renews from within. Plumping surface cells for a dramatic transformation without the need for fillers. Your concert tee might show your agyoe. Ur skin never will. Olay regenerist. Olay. Ageless. And try the microsculpting cream you love. Life is a sport. We are the utility. The new ford escape. Have you seen my lipton sparkling iced tea . Its delicious fruit flavored tea with smooth, crisp bubbles. Well, thanks anyway. Lipton sparkling iced tea on top of your health . Ay ahh. Ahh. Cigna customers have plan choices and tools to take control. So theyre more engaged, with fewer high health risks and lower medical costs. Take control of your health trol. And take an extra 20 off with your Friends Family savings pass use it on top of already great sale priced saturday early bird gifts for mom like tek gear tops. A ninja blender. And fine jewelry. Plus everyone gets kohls cash kohls. Its bright yellow wrapper is bold. And if its crlspety, crunchety, peanut buttery goodness unapologetically sticks to your teeth. Thats bolder, than bolder, than bold. Bolder than bold. Crispety, crunchety, peanutbuttery butterfinger bacon supreme omelet breakfast sandwich, loaded with peppers, onions, and potatoes and topped with two slices of cherrywoodsmoked bacon and cheese all on a freshly baked croissant. America runs on dunkin. Is caringing because covering heals faster. For a bandage that moves with you and stays on all day, cover with a bandaid brand flexible fabric adhesive bandage. Comedian cheers and applause band playing podcast mogul and one of the stars of silicon valy hbo. I can borrow this . No, hold on, youre wearing a gold chain. Ive had it for a while. I just throw it on every now and then. None of that is true. I definitely would have noticed. Listen, ive been working hard and making money for the first time, i thought i deserve something nice,un. But instead of that, you bought a chain . Youre just jealous of have a salary, quitter. And you are too legit to quit. Amc, hamas. Later chain the virgin. Stephen please welcome kumail nanjiani. band playing cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Thank you for being here. We have not seen each other in seven years. Seven years. Stephen for those of you who are deep cut the old show the colbert recognize you can mail, because we established i had my own gitmo under my desk. When president obama said he was going to close gitmo still waiting. Did he not mail the papers off. Stephen he forgot to file. On my show i realized i had to release all the prisoners from underneath my desk, and there was only one, and it was you. applause yeah. Yeah. I i just quit my job. I had moved to new york from chicago. My parents were terrified. Stephen, of course,. They wasnt going to do anything, and i called them to tell them i was on the show. And they were very excited. And they were like, what are you playing . And i was like, a guatanamo bay prisoner. Is that good . Stephen were they okay with it . They thought it was hilarious when they saw the bit. And i came back and they were like, a and i said, im playing a food delivery guy. Stephen youre from pakistan yourself, youre pakistani. Nobody whoood. Stephen we always have one person from pakistan. You already had me. You didnt have to, like, double up. Stephen didnt know. Also, usually, we like to keep a low profile. Nobody ever is like, pakistan whoo opening so many doors. Stephen was it a Culture Shock coming from pakistan to the United States . Yeah. I mean yeah. Stephen ive never been to pakistan . Its very different over here. You guys have walmart greeters and stuff. Its weird. But i had never shaken hands with a woman till i was 18. We dont like in pakistan were not shaking hands with women. And laughter so i