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Call the Verizon Center for customers with disabilities band playing late show theme from the heart of broadway, broadcasting across the nation and around the world, its the late show with David Letterman. Tonight. Plus paul shaffer and the cbs orchestra. Im alan kalter. And now, David Letterman cheers and applause captioning sponsored by worldwide pants and cbs band playing late show theme cheers and applause cheers and applause lenny worth, jr. , ladies and gentlemen musical flourish here im going to show you how my weekend went, this is what i did this weekend, its a little impression, little slice of life a little vignette, a little look behind the scenes. This is me, my personal life this weekend, this is what i did. A little tableau, i hope you enjoy it. laughter this is me on my weekend. clears throat laughter paul right. Dave breathing heavily one senior for bad grand parks please. laughter thank you very much. Clap thank you, then i put on my persimmon cardigan and went home laughter and applause halloween is thursday. I love halloween. You open the door, theres strangers in masks. Good idea. Okay, what do you want . Whatever it is, go ahead. You know forget surprising the staff, every year i try doing something nice for the staff so this year i was looking through that catalog and i saw handmade metal pans and i said thats perfect. laughter ill order laughs harry and david hand made metal pans. And i said ill order everybody on the staff a man made metal pan. If you dont mind, i want to check in to see how my hand made metal pans are coming. There they are right there. Wow. I hope they applause all right, thats plenty. It doesnt seem like hes made any progress since we last checked in. Here now we made Something Special because of halloween. Halloween now and hand made metal pans. He did the monster mash the monster mash that was graveyard smash it caught on in a flash he did mash, he did the monster mash dave okay, all right, knock it off. This is topnotch stuff, isnt it . laughter hey, you know, kanye west . You know what this guy did . He went to a baseball stadium throughout in San Francisco and he went to the stadium and in the stadium kim kardashian, he pops the question right there. He says to her why are you famous . laughter as of yet they have not chose an site for the divorce. laughter tomorrow on the late show dave welcomes dr. Conrad murray. Dave dr. Conrad murray, remember this guy . He was went to prison, dr. Conrad murray, hes out of prison. Hes out of prison now. He served two years out of a fouryear sentence. He got time off for volunteering on death throw so that was nice. laughter you think about that guy, you think, gee, i wonder how a guy like that sleeps at night. laughter you know, got a new book out, that dick cheney, former Vice President dick cheney. Dick boom boom cheney. laughter he did an interview on 60 minutes which, of course, is right here on cbs with sanjay gupta. Did you know sanjay gupta was on 60 minutes . Paul it must be a new thing. Dave it must be a new thing. Here, now, is an excerpt of former Vice President dick cheney talking to sanjay gupta about his heart condition. Watch. Youve had four heart attacks three catheterizations, bypass surgery, an implanted defibrillator, a left ventricular assist device, a mack can heart, a baboon heart, paid a High School Kid six dollars an hour to manually squeeze your heart every five seconds to keep blood flowing in your body. Right. Dave did you worry about your physical health . No. laughter dave you know the Affordable Care web site, obama said theyve had some glitches. The web site hes said theyve had some glitches. Theyve had some glitches on the obamacare laughter i tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, you order a pair of pants online from jay crew and they send you the wrong color, thats a glitch thats a glitch this is a Carnival Cruise for gods sake republicans claim they could be exposing americas private information. Yeah, we have no private information anymore, do we . Everybody knows what the hell were doing. Its a Carnival Cruise, ladies and gentlemen, its not a glitch today obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said could you start early . laughter crazy. A lot of problems with that web site. Have you tried to dial up the web site . No, not yet. Dave its impossible. laughter its impossible. The president every week has a radio or t. V. Address to the american people. Heres what it was this weekend. Im telling you, this is not the kind of message sending out to people if youre trying to get your web site off watch. Its called the marketplace and so Americans Without Health Insurance and americans who buy insurance on their own because they cant get it at work, its a very big deal. If youre one of those people, the Affordable Care act makes you part of a applause dave the guy cant even get on. Ladies and gentlemen, theres paul shaffer. applause paul hey, david hey, everybody. Dave on the program tonight, lindsey vonn, charles barkley, everybody. Thank you so much for watching. Well be right back. This is the quicksilver cash back card from capital one. Its not the juggle a bunch of rotating categories card. Its not the sign up for rewards each quarter card. Its the nogames, nomessinground, noearninglimithaving, doilooklikeimjoking, turboboosting, heavyweightchampion oftheworld cash back card. This is the quicksilver cash back card from capital one. Unlimited 1. 5 cash back on every purchase, everywhere, every damn day. Now, tell me, whats in your wallet . I get out a lot. Except when its too cold. Like the last three weekends. Asthma doesnt affect my job. You missed the meeting again last week it doesnt affect my family. Your coughing woke me up again. I wish youd take me to the park. I dont use my rescue inhaler a lot. Depends on what you mean by a lot. Coping with asthma isnt controlling it. Test your level of control at asthma. Com, then talk to your doctor. There may be more you could do for your asthma. You didnt really like them before. I didnt. How about now . Now im thinking about going the one, two, one. Yeah thats good. I like one, two, one congratulations. Nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the cottonelle care routine. [ female announcer ] only aveeno daily moisturizing lotion has an active naturals oat formula that creates a moisture reserve so skin can replenish itself. Aveeno® naturally beautiful results. Aveeno® im terry mcauliffe, candidate for governor, and i sponsored this ad. Im very troubled by ken cuccinelli. He tried to change virginias divorce laws to prevent women from getting out of a bad marriage. Ken cuccinelli denies Climate Change exists and he used taxpayer dollars to investigate a uva professor doing research. And cuccinelli tried to ban common forms of Birth Control. Even the pill. Even the pill. Ken cuccinelli is just way too extreme way too extreme way too extreme way too extreme for virginia. Vo first they gave usvernment shuken cuccinelli. Politics. And now Mark Obenshain for attorney general. Obenshain voted to ban the Birth Control pill, and outlaw abortion, even for victims of rape and incest. And on gun safety, obenshain opposes comprehensive background checks to keep guns out of the hands of criminals and the violently mentally ill. Mark obenshain a dangerously wrong turn for virginia. Im mark herring, candidate for attorney general and i sponsored this ad. cheers and applause dave fantastic. Paul, our old friend lou reed died on sunday. To me unexpectedly. 71 years old. Been on the show many times, inducted into the rock n roll hall of fame in 1996 and was here nine times and eight times on the old show at nbc. Heres the fascinating thing about the man and his legacy. The music of the velvet underground was smuggled into communist czechoslovakia in the late 1980s inspiring a Human Rights Movement called charter 77 which eventually helped bring down the czech communist regime. How about that . Lou reed. Paul what a legacy. applause late 1960s. I said 1980s. 1960s. But thats a tremendous loss in the world of music and a great friend of ours in the show. Did you see one of those guys in the audience paul which ways . Dave i have one of those learning disorders. Im like a thorough bread if a fly lands on the hind quarter of a thoroughbred racehorse all of the xanax in the world is not going to calm it down. Right, yeah. Dave im just hey, is hub, hub, hub hey paul fly lands on your ass, youve had it. laughter dave yes, thats right. So we have people its like an eye test tonight its like robs and cones. Theyre both dressed in persimmon and its not the same persimmon. laughter so im completely screwed up. There, now look at that. laughter so we get that straightened out and Something Else i noticed, 19 people in horizontal stripes and i think somethings going on here. And then on top of that theres a guy in the audience that looks like will ferrell. Do you know will ferrell . Paul of course, we all know him. Dave very funny comedian. Paul theres a guy out here who looks like him . Sort of a double of his . Dave there is there he is right there. Look at that. I dont know. applause i dont know. Certainly good looking guy but i guess its close to being a double. laughter give him a biff, give a kid a tshirt or something. Paul the guy that looks like will snarl dave yeah, give that guy a tshirt. Thanks, biff. applause paul yeah, i can see a distance resemblance. There was Something Else going on there. Were we supposed to notice anything else . Never mind. Dave ladies and gentlemen, heres tonights top ten list. Lets go. cheers and applause the top ten list i said heres tonights ten list. Paul i thought you were doing ten at ten. laughter dave in paraguay whos been to paraguay . Where are may paraguayans . Hu . In paraguay, recent lay 103yearold man and a 99yearold woman were married after living together for 80 years. laughter paul oh, thats sweet dave i think this is sweet but ill tell you and this is one of my pet peeves is old, really old people who say things like weve been married for 75 years and the sex has never been better. I hate that laughter i dont want to hear that. applause it cant possibly be tu keep it to yourselves for the love of god dave we dont need to hear this. Dave recent lay 10yearold and 99yearold woman were married after living together for 80 years. In attendance were eight children, 50 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and several of those chilean miners who were rescued a couple years ago. I dont know why they were there. These things were overheard at the wedding. It will wedding, 10 103yearold and his 99yearold wife. applause dave ladies and gentlemen, when we come back, somebody else from the audience who looks familiar. Well be right back with charles barkley, everybody. So there i was again, explaining my moderate to severe chronic plaque psoriasis to another new stylist. It was a total embarrassment. And not the kind of attention i wanted. So i had a serious talk with my dermatologist about my treatment options. This time, she prescribed humiraadalimumab. Humira helps to clear the surface of my skin by actually working inside my body. In clinical trials, most adults with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis saw 75 skin clearance. And the majority of people were clear or almost clear in just 4 months. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma, or other types of cancer have happened. Blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening Heart Failure have occurred. Before starting humira, your doctor should test you for tb. Ask your doctor if you live in or have been to a region where certain fungal infections are common. Tell your doctor if you have had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have symptoms such as fever, fatigue, cough, or sores. You should not start humira if you have any kind of infection. Make the most of every moment. Ask your dermatologist about humira, today. Clearer skin is possible. Goglossophobia, is the fear of public speaking. The only thing we have to fear is. Fear itself. Help the gulf when we made recover and learn the gulf, bp from what happened so we could be a better, safer energy company. I can tell you safety is at the heart of everything we do. Weve added cuttingedge technology, like a new deepwater well cap and a stateoftheart monitoring center, where experts watch over all drilling activity twentyfourseven. And were sharing what weve learned, so we can all produce energy more safely. Our commitment has never been stronger. Gun without a background check. Ithe dangerously mentally ill. Criminals. Endangering our families. Ken cuccinelli opposed closing the gun show loophole against comprehensive background checks at gun shows for criminals and the dangerously mentally ill. Siding with the nra and undermining law enforcement. No wonder the Washington Post calls cuccinelli polarizing, provocative and partisan. Cuccinelli. Too extreme for virginia independence usa pac sponsored this ad. applause dave our first guest a legendary probasketball player and in his 15th year 15 years theyve been doing that. Isnt that remarkable . Hes a remarkable man. Hes been with the n. B. A. On t. N. T. What is this scrapable . laughs applause the new season tips off tomorrow night at 7 00 p. M. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the alwaysentertaining charles barkley. cheers and applause applause the dave how are you doing, sdmarls i am doing great. I am ready for the season to start. Dave 15 years youve been doing this. You and your buddies sit in the studio. Get paid to watch lebron james play. Greatesting by the the world. They pay us to watch basketball. Dave did you do research for that show . I played in the n. B. A. For 16 years. Thats enough. laughter im not gonna argue with that. Im worried about something in the league. Im worried about the league generally but specifically something. Theres a Small University liberal Arts Education religious university called butler university. They had a good there that that took them the n. C. A. A. Finals two years in a row, brad stevens. So now the little weasel laughter i was on his side, i thought this is the kind of guy we need more of in college sports. Bring the kids in, nurture them, get an education, make them good athletes, people, humans he takes the gig and now hes in the n. B. A. So and hes only oh, hes not even 20. laughter dave youve got to take the Boston Celtics job. Dave why . Listen, theres certain jobs in sports you have to take. Dave what about the kids and their education . Thats the most important thing about college. Dave right. So he turns his back on the most important thing laughter and by the way oh, theyre not going to learn because hes gone . laughter yes thats exactly what will happen. But indiana is the home of the High School College basketball. Stay there and look at bobby knight. He never coached in the pros. Because he would have got killed laughter i still owe him a beatdown from the olympics. laughter dave laughs a beatdown yeah, im glad you reminded me. If i see him im going to beat him down. Thats my point. Brad stevens, whats going to happen to him . Dave hes not going be yelling and screaming like bo
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