in the adventures of superman! [???] looking for someone? i've been looking all over the boat for you. why didn't you knock? so i didn't knock. so sue me. what do you want? doc sent me to meet you. oh, just what i thought. i got on at quarantine. is doc meeting the boat too? you know he never goes out. he sent the bus and a couple of the boys. they're waiting for us at customs. never misses a bet, does he? you're not so slow yourself, registering as "madame charpentier." you should have let us know. i could have missed you. how did you get away with it, madame? is that the bus down there? that's it. how you taking the stuff through customs? right on the button. wait right here while i line up the interview. do you see any sign of him? no. think something went wrong? we'll have to wait and see. don't wanna wait too long. hey. see something? right by the entrance of the pier. take a look over there. intern: this place is crawling. must be some vip aboard. driver: hey, we'd better get outta here. wait. let's give 'em a couple more minutes. they're starting to come out of customs. count: young man! mais oui. please. you are so kind. and i do not know this country. and i must catch a train quick. and i have twist my ankle. you see that ambulance over there? sure. you will give this box to them, no? it is serum for the doctor. they are most anxious to get it. sure. it is a matter of life and death. i'll hurry it right over. doctor personally. sure thing. oh, i am greatly in your debt. ooh! my ankle. let me give you a hand. ha-ha. merci. you are so sweet. it to the doctor. well, that's what we've been waiting for. the doc's inside. yeah? i don't see any doctor in there. inside. jimmy! what's the big idea? where are you taking me? just a little ride, sonny boy. where's fisher and the count? they never showed up. who's this boy? he's got what we were sent for. listen, doctor-- where's the box? i guess this is what you want, though i still don't know what it's all about. where did you get it? a french lady came out of customs and gave it to me. she said she hurt her ankle or something and had to make a train. so i took it over to the ambulance for her. that's all i know about it. that's his story. dr. albrecht: quiet. did this french lady you mentioned give you any inkling as to what was in the box? and i was to give it only to the doctor. that's why we brought him here, doc. it sounded fishy. look, my name's olsen. jim olsen. i'm a reporter for the planet. there's my identification. what were you doing on the pier? i was waiting for a friend of mine to get me an interview with a movie star. sounds perfectly reasonable. fisher and the count found themselves in difficulties, so they passed the box to the french lady he speaks of. is something wrong? nothing. except that the box is empty. [phone rings] hello? albrecht: yes. put him on. yes, what is it? dead? yes. yes, of course, that's correct. that's quite obvious. well...thanks for calling. give me a moment to think of our next step, franz. i'll call you back. fisher is dead. what happened? they just found his body on the boat, in a stateroom which had been occupied by a madame charpentier. madame charpentier? who's she? i leave it to you. fisher was dead. he couldn't leave the boat. but out of nowhere, a french lady sends over a box. an empty box. nobody told us to be on the lookout for a female impersonator. i have only myself to blame for this. i have not yet learned my lesson. in this world, trust no one, absolutely no one. i wish i knew what this was all about. you know too much already, young man. maybe he hasn't told us all he knows. that's right. maybe you'd better find out. what are you gonna do to me? i can assure you that is my least concern at the moment. give me the overseas operator, please take him inside. get going. i'm not going in there. get going. i want to put through a call to dr. hans schuman, frankfurt, germany, united states base hospital 991. what's that? a delay of three hours on all calls to germany? well, we'll have to wait. shall i, uh, turn on the current now, doctor? no. not yet. may i come in, inspector? oh, come in, kent. oh, any news of jim? no. and i'm really worried. well, from what lois and that pier guard saw from the gangplank, i'd say that jim was just up to a little fancy ambulance chasing. probably turn up with a whale of a story. wish i felt as easy about it. any word on that ambulance yet? i, uh, guess i'd better let you in on the whole story. it doesn't look so good. what did the boys find out? well, it was a rented ambulance. a phony name, of course. so we don't know where it went, or who or what it carried. frankly, they didn't leave us a clue to follow. mm-hm. i've had a feeling right from the first that there was a direct connection between jim's disappearance in that ambulance and the murder in the stateroom. did you identify the victim yet? he's the only one we know anything about so far. small-time confidence man named fisher. here's his picture. he used the health officer gag to get on at quarantine. what about madame charpentier? , never left her stateroom and completely disappeared after clearing customs. [phone rings] excuse me. yes. henderson speaking. i see. yeah. yeah. oh, thanks, bob. checkup on her passport just came through. forgery, as expected. we've got to find that woman, inspector. i'm convinced she's the only one that can lead us to jim. america's a mighty large haystack mm-hm. it's perfectly obvious that fisher and that ambulance were on the dock to meet madame charpentier, and probably escort her to a prearranged rendezvous. and she decided to double-cross them. that makes sense. there's one point to be explained. why did the boys in the ambulance let her get away? that's pretty easy. they weren't expecting a woman. that's it. and the woman was no lady. the fingerprints in the stateroom and on the gun were male prints. you didn't tell me anything about that, inspector. could i have a set of those prints, if you can spare 'em? by the way, if you're thinking of checking with the police in germany, we've already tried. did they identify them? unfavorable atmospheric conditions reduced the telephotos to complete distortion. we're gonna try again in the morning. tomorrow morning may be too late. there must be some other way. well, if you happen to bump into superman, he might give you a hand. you never can tell. colonel redding, in charge of army intelligence over there, is one of my best friends. i'll see you, inspector. if you come up with anything, let us know. those are the ones we took off the gun. those are clear as a bell. do you have any identification on them in your files? nothing remotely resembling 'em. we also got a print of a full hand from the top of the bureau. must have leaned on it fixing his hair or making up in the mirror. i'm just running off a copy for you. well, these are all i really need, jake. well, might as well take it along. give me two seconds in the darkroom, this fixative dries in... mr. kent? where the dickens...? [???] hiya, colonel. clark! what are you doing here? just flew in on a little mission. sure good to see you. pull up a chair. good to see you. mind if i sit here? not at all. thanks. working kind of late, aren't you? plenty to do over here. man [over intercom]: dr. schuman to see you, sir. have dr. schuman wait, corporal. jack, i need your help. name it. these belong to a fellow who sailed from bremerhaven on the 9th. he masqueraded as a madame charpentier. can you identify him for me? well, let's take a look at our files, looks like we're in luck. let's see. that's our man, without a question. "otto von kleben, 35. formerly count von kleben. "lieutenant, wehrmacht. "captured by russians 1944, repatriated in 1947." here it is. "at present employed as orderly in us base hospital 991." okay to check with him? of course. send dr. schuman in. guten abend, colonel. i have a kleine favor. ach, i am sorry. i did not know you were busy. i will see you in the morning. oh, just a minute, doctor. i want you to meet... i'm sorry. doctor, this unhealthy-looking character is an old newspaper friend of mine from the states. clark kent, dr. schuman. how do you do, herr kent? nice to meet you, doctor. sit down, doctor. clark's interested in talking to an orderly you've got working here, doctor. the name is von kleben. otto von kleben. von kleben? hmm. ach, i am sorry, but that is not possible. redding: something wrong? von kleben was discharged two weeks ago. two weeks ago? as to his present whereabouts, gentlemen. perhaps i can help you. he docked in the united states this morning. so? would i be out of turn in inquiring what your interest in this von kleben is? not at all, doctor. the police found a man murdered in his stateroom. and we have good reason to believe that the murdered man was sent to meet him and escort him ashore. i see. you know the identity of the murdered man? yes. it was a nazi espionage agent and small-time confidence man named fisher. redding: name strike a bell? ach, there are so many fishers in germany, colonel. doctor, you wouldn't by any chance be able to tell us what von kleben's mission in the united states was, would you? me? after all, herr kent, he was just an orderly here. we have a staff of nearly 1000 people. you haven't missed anything around here, have you? i mean, anything of substantial value? what could he have stolen? an x-ray machine? we have no secret formulas that could have been committed to memory either. nein, i'm afraid von kleben's business had nothing to do with the hospital. well, colonel, looks like we've reached the end of another blind alley. sorry i cannot be of more help, herr kent. my business will wait till tomorrow. guten abend, gentlemen. that schuman's a dead ringer for fisher. fisher? yeah. the fellow they found murdered in von kleben's stateroom. oh, schuman's been working for us a long while. he couldn't be here maybe he has a twin brother. well, we could check on it. they look too much alike. there's some connection somewhere. who's in charge of medical supplies? major lee. okay if we drop in on him? by all means. he's just across the hall. how are you, colonel? fine, doc, thanks to your little white pills. [chuckles] major lee, clark kent. hello. how do you do? major, have you missed anything in the hospital in the last two weeks. anything of great value? no, i don't think so. i mean, anything transportable? well, we've got a million dollars worth of radium, if that'll help you. that's it! it's no bigger than a peanut, but we keep it in a lead-lined safe. have you used it in the last two weeks? no. i believe dr. schuman was the last one-- could we have look in that safe, major? of course. come along. lee: what happened? clark: schuman! he's locked us in. redding: any phone in here? lee: no. and don't light any matches. clark: anybody hear us if we shout? lee: it's airtight and soundproof. we'll just have to wait till someone comes down for supplies. clark: if neither one of you moves or makes a sound, i'll get us out of here. is it a deal? redding: what have you been doing, reading up on houdini? clark: absolute silence and no motion for 10 seconds, please. [metal creaking] redding: what's that? [metal creaking] clark: all right, gentlemen, are you ready? one, two, three! well, if it is schuman, evening, inspector. oh, hello, kent. where have you been? oh, over the water and far away. any progress? some. we've located the taxi driver who picked up madame charpentier at the pier. wonderful. where did they take her...or him? [phone rings] this is the answer to your question, i hope. henderson speaking. oh, yes, tobey. great. yeah, well, let's have 'em. santa fe chief. miami red arrow. pennsylvania limited. ah, good work, tobey. fine. great. send johnson in. henderson: madame charpentier left metropolis of these three trains. they left metropolis central station at noon today. i have to be going. hey, wait a minute. you've got some explaining to do. listen to this from frankfurt, germany. "inspector henderson, metropolis. "dr. albert schuman, twin brother, deceased, fisher, "confessed that million-dollar radium "smuggled through u.s. customs "in specially-designed earrings by otto von kleben. "radium consigned to dr. rudolf albrecht, "444 causeway boulevard. "arrest at once. "credit kent, daily planet, with double play. signed j. redding, colonel, u.s.a." trade secret. here's von kleben's picture. oh, so this is madame charpentier. mm-hm. i know how you did it. superman. you can credit him with an assist. well, i gotta run along. i'll see you. aren't you gonna be in on the kill? we're picking up albrecht tonight. i'll be there. [train crossing bells ring] great day in the morning. who is it? superman: pretty smart. hollow lead. they've got the whole force out there. they'll never take me alive. if you don't drop that gun, doctor, you're gonna eat those words. verfluchter bermensch! now what have you done with jim olsen? give him the current. [cries out] not so fast. thanks for a very helping hand. golly, superman, do you know how all this started? no, jim. how? well, i was waiting on the pier for miss lane to arrange an interview with denise darrieux, the french movie star. oh, i'm sorry you missed her. i understand she's very pretty. golly. [???] narrator: faster than a speeding bullet. more powerful than a locomotive. able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. man: look! up in the sky! man 2: it's a bird! woman: it's a plane! man 3: it's superman! yes, it's superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands, and who, disguised as clark kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the american way. in the adventures of superman! [???] now, don't go away. [metallic footsteps] baby. hey, what the--? [metallic voice] put up your hands. you're under arrest. let him have it. drop your pistols. drop them, i say. [alarm ringing] beat it! stop, thief. stop, thief. [muffled groan] here come the police. you can't do this to me. i'm horatio hinkle of squeen run, ohio. and furthermore, i'm a graduate of the famous international correspondence institute for detectives and crime deduction. and, i might add, i graduated cum laude. and i am the duly accredited rural correspondent for the metropolis daily planet. and-- guard: yeah, yeah, i know. and you're also the owner of the tin dummy that wrecked the jewelry store and got away with 60 grand worth of diamonds. don't go making false accusations! you know there are slander laws in this state. and-- guard: sure, sure. there he is. mr. kent. mr. kent. is that you? yes, horatio. you can release him in my custody. mr. kent, i'll be happy to release him to anybody's custody. by gulliver, i knew i could depend on my colleagues of the fourth estate. take him. he's all yours. t was nice of you to come. now let's get hero and get out of here. hero? my electronic robot. oh, yes. well, now, horatio, about that robot-- yes? well, there's something far more important. oh, stop beating around the bush, clark. you see, horatio, the police are holding you responsible for the theft of $60,000 worth of diamonds from that jewelry store. me? why-- why, i prevented the robbery. that is to say, hero did. he routed the thieves and they fled, leaving their booty behind them. all except the diamonds. ratio, you're in serious trouble. by gulliver, i'll recover them. where's hero? just get me hero and-- what's the matter? well, horatio, that's another thing. your robot was stolen from the police garage. good heavens. good merciful heavens! mr. kent, do you realize that in the hands of unprincipled persons, that robot could be dangerous? i certainly do, horatio. and that's what worries me. go to my apartment and wait there till you hear from me. but what about hero? i'll be looking for the robot. and so will i. mr. kent says. you see, you've been released in his custody. very good, i'll do it. but it goes against the grain to stand idly by. definitely against the grain. jim, why don't you go with horatio and keep him from getting lonesome? stay with him. okay, mr. kent, i'll take c-- i mean, uh... i'll keep him company. all right. come on, lois. we haven't got too much time. [whirring] i thought you said that thing could do anything a man could do. it did this morning. honest it did, boss. alked. and it even made a grab for roco and me, didn't it, roc? that's right, chopper. it can see out of them glass eyes. i send you guys to knock off a jewelry store, and what do you come back with? gold watches? no. platinum bracelets? no. diamond rings? no. a walking sardine can. turn that thing off. it's giving me the creeps. this thing's got wonderful possibilities, chopper. if only we knew what made it tick. yeah, the only guy that knows that is sitting in the cooler. maybe we could bail him out. very bright, knothead. and maybe sometime we could bail ourselves in. [phone rings] they did, huh? nice going, chuck. hey, what did you say that name was? spell it! h-o-r-a-t-i-o... h-i-n-k-l-e. standish arms... apartments. west 30693. nice going. i owe you a couple of bills, kid. a newspaper reporter, name of clark kent, bailed this monkey out. chuck tailed 'em to the standish arms apartments. well, what are we waiting for? who's waiting? the eyes are exactly like the lenses of a television camera. whatever the robot sees is transmitted to the view plate on the control panel. jeepers. [rings] hello? yes, this is horatio hinkle speaking. you want to get your robot back, mister, and you're willing to pay 100 bucks, you be on the southwest corner of 8th and main in 20 minutes. no one with you. you understand? try any funny business, and we'll work this robot over with a sledgehammer. mm-hm. good news? well, uh, that is yes and, uh, no. that is to say, it just occurs to me an ice-cream soda would come in very handy at the moment. i wonder, jim, would you mind running down to the drugstore and bringing up a couple? i can order 'em, horatio. they'll send 'em up. oh. oh-- that is-- oh, yes, of course. come to think of it, i'm not very thirsty. oh, that reminds me. i forgot to show you the new, improved model of my little giant smoke bomb. it's quite harmless, but i've added a new ingredient which causes a momentary mental blackout as well as a visual blackout. oh! i don't care what kent said. i'm running a newspaper, not a home for mental defectives! but, chief, horatio may be a little ecc-- a little?! yeah. brilliant enough to get away with $60,000 worth of diamonds. that's ridiculous, inspector, and you know it. is it? then who's got the diamonds? the crooks. what crooks? when the prowl car got to the store, your addlepated friend was there alone with the robot. and he himself said that he prevented the crooks from stealing a thing. clark: now, look. the important job is to recover that robot. horatio's waiting patiently in my apartment and i-- i'm sorry, chief, but-- what do you want? well, i-- i-- horatio got away. he what? then he tried to trick me into going down to the drugstore. well, when i wouldn't fall for that, he dropped one of those little smoke bombs of his. and it knocked me out. when i came to, he was gone. so he's waiting patiently in your apartment, mr. kent. have you any idea where he went, jim? no, sir. but we're the only ones who knew he was in your apartment. apparently we only thought we were. lois: looks like it. jim, you shouldn't have left the apartment. he might have come back, or even telephoned. gleeps! i never thought of that. where do you think you're going? well, i-- you did enough damage! letting that crazy character get away! great caesar's ghost! horatio hinkle accused of being a jewel thief. a dangerous robot loose in metropolis. well, what are you all standing around here for? go find hinkle! find that robot! well?! oh, henderson. has that jeweler who was robbed this morning been through the mug files yet? no, they're waiting for me. he's down at headquarters now. i want to find out if he can identify the two men that held him up. okay. can't see what harm it'll do. well, thank you. lois, do you want to come along? no, thanks. i have other plans. such as? such as going back to your apartment and waiting for a call from horatio. all right. but you be careful. i'm a big girl now, clark. don't worry. let him loose. so you don't want the $100 this was just a ruse to get me here. you catch on quick, pop. nah, we ain't interested in no hundred bucks. but we are interested in a couple of million. don't be ridiculous! i'm not a wealthy man. i haven't got that kind of money. maybe not. but the metropolis trust company has. undoubtedly, but what's that to do with me? everything. you see, when we were fooling around with your robot, a little fire came out of his nose. oh, that's just an acetylene torch for soldering wires. swell. and if you add a little tank of oxygen, and for what purpose? to burn a nice, round hole in the metropolis trust company vault... tonight. on account of because they got a cool 10 million in cash there, and you're gonna help us get some of it. i definitely am not! you wanna bet? all right, boys, throw him in the storeroom. and put junior in there with him, to keep him company. now, look here. you'll regret this. i have newspaper-- to get a couple of tanks of oxygen. and in case you get any fancy ideas about trying to bust out of here, roco's gonna be standing right outside the door with orders to drill you right between the eyes. you understand? i think you've made yourself exceedingly clear. come on. [key turning in lock] calling xp127y4. calling xp127y4. calling xp127y4. 4. calling xp127-- [clicks off] hello, boss! uh, uh-- i mean, uh...xp127y4. you are clear to squeen run. now, listen, marvin. write this down. call clark kent at metropolis. his number is west 30693. tell him i'm on the top floor of an old building on the corner of front street and third avenue. [door squeaks shut] who are you talking to? him. yeah. and i suppose he understands everything you say, huh? you'd be surprised. yeah, maybe i would be at that. you know, i think i'm gonna take your boyfriend out of here. then i know you won't pull no tricks. uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. come in, boss. i can't hear you. why, i don't get any signal. come in, boss. [sighs] i wonder what he wanted me to tell mr. kent. well... hello, long distance? uh, this is squeen run 5-6, [phone rings] hello? yes, this is mr. kent's apartment. no, he isn't in right now, but may i take a message? horatio hinkle? yes. yes. he's where? on the top floor of a building on the corner of front street and third avenue? who is this? oh, hello, marvin. this is lois lane. but, listen, marvin, is that all he said? well, did he sound worried or as if he were in trouble? no, he sounded fine to me, miss lane. no. no, he didn't sound worried to me. he sounded just as happy as a pig in the watermelon patch. okay. goodbye. "clark, have gone out "on a hot lead. [gasps] okay, sister, what do you want? horatio! oh, so you know this little guy, huh? well-- well, that is, i-- okay, roco. miss lane, why did you--? shut up, you! okay, sister, talk fast and talk straight. how did you know he was up here? well, i, uh-- i followed him. oh, you did, huh? and when was that? well, when he-- when he came up here. oh, double talk, huh? well, okay, sister, i'm glad to see you. you're just what the doctor ordered. what do you mean? i mean that from now on you're gonna be reasonable, and you're gonna do exactly what you're told. or would you like to see roco here dare! you wanna bet? no! wait. i'll do what you ask. i thought you would. now get to work. horatio, what is it they're trying to get you to do? they want me-- why, you despicable-- shut up! i will not shut up! [screams] please, miss lane, just do as they say. please. but, horatio-- believe me, it's for the best. now, get to work. come on. and you, sit down there and shut up! [???] [knocking at door] mr. kent? mr. kent! what is it, jimmy? golly, i've been pounding on your door for-- you must sleep like a log. anyone phone? office. but there's no word about miss lane. what do you suppose could have happened to her? i don't know. and horatio. golly, i wish we could get in touch with superman. superman isn't psychic, jim. he wouldn't know where to locate them either. well, what are we gonna do? there's nothing we can do. just wait. [sighs] that's it, that's it. that's the safe right in front of him. now, turn on the torc and burn out the knob. look, it-- it's cutting like a hot knife through butter. yeah. and if the law happens to come in, they got nobody but the robot. and he can do 20 years standing on his head in a broom closet. [laughs] who invited you, sister? okay, pop. now make him open the door. hey, chopper, the dame's watching. so what? [lock clanks] [door creaks] mousie: wow! will you take a look at that dough? chopper: okay. now make him start putting it in the bag. very well. but i promise you, you won't get away with this. you wanna t? now, get him back here fast. now, bring him up the alley, quick. boys...i need a drink. yeah, me too. mousie: hey, boss! look at what he's doing. chopper: hey! hey, what's the idea, letting him pull that fire box? i couldn't help it. he bumped into it. well, don't let him bump into any more. roco: a wise guy, huh? let him have it, boss? hold it, knothead. he's gotta get that thing back with the dough. [alarm bells ringing] [???] jeepers, must be a big fire. every piece of equipment in town is heading over to the west side. we'll soon find out. hello. fire department? clark kent of the daily planet. are you sure? thanks. those are false alarms being turned in. they're being turned in by a robot. better get over there as fast as you can, jimmy. go on. i'll see you later. chopper: let him have it, roco! mousie: wait a minute, roc. i watched him work that thing. why not make the robot do the job idea. then there won't be no clues. okay, go ahead. [lois shrieks] [lois screams] [screams] turn it loose on the girl. he ain't finished the old guy yet. chopper: get back to him after you shut her up. [whooshing] it's superman! well, do something! [metal creaking] [gunfire] he'll be all right. i'll come back for him in a moment. horatio! what happened? how did i get here? lois. now, listen to me, young lady. just where have you been? well, i haven't been sleeping my life away. [knocking at door] hello, jimmy. hi. oh, so there you are. once and for all, hinkle, what did you do with those diamonds? i know nothing about any diamonds, inspector henderson. there you are, inspector. how did you know they were in there? just lucky, i guess. maybe he's got some more of 'em stashed in him somewhere. argh! argh! [laughs] all right, all right. man: gotham city -- woodrow roosevelt high school. 3:09 p.m. -- normal, healthy activity in the school gymnasium. you got it memorized? okay, let's go! [ whistle blows ] and... all: zing! boom! sis-boom-ba! we're from woodrow roosevelt! that's who we are! does anybody scare us? the answer is "nix"! come on, team! let's make it six! elf? oh, heck, no -- miss browning, our poetry professor. let's take a break, gang. anyone for a drink? me! [ metal clinking ] holy cow, look! silver dollars! let me try. [ metal clinking ] hey, kids -- everyone! come on! it's christmas! [ all shouting ] silver dollars -- a strange, disturbing bonanza from a gimmick milk machine. either of you men fear what i fear? the joker? exactly, chief o'hara -- the joker, that most pestilent of predators, that devil! but how can we be sure? we can't -- not yet, but if it's the joker we're facing and his plot is aimed at gotham city youth, we can't wait to be sure. this, if there ever was one, is a case for our unknown friend behind the mask. and in wayne manor, stately residence and his young ward, dick grayson, whom we just saw at school... [ beeping ] please, bruce, i beg you, accept the proposal. run for mayor. it's funny. they come to you with this offer every two years. you'd think they'd get it through their heads you're not interested. i'm afraid she's right, mr. vandergilt. awl of politics. but gotham city needs you. think of our problems -- the snarl of traffic, a water shortage, and now these recurrent power failures. how can you turn us down? [ clears throat ] what is it, alfred? nothing of importance, madam. it's the batphone, sir. thank you, alfred, for reminding me. i'll tell you what, mr. vandergilt -- i'll ponder it rrow. aunt harriet, give mr. vandergilt some more tea, will you? he'll ponder it? that's strange. what's he got to ponder? yes, commissioner? prepare yourself for a blow. someone has struck at woodrow roosevelt high. we think it's the joker. good grief. i'm on my way. dick's in the thick of this already. if he should phone in, tell him to stay where he is. [ up-tempo music plays ] ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ? doesn't it? joker released from jail one week ago -- immediately buys control of one-armed bandit novelty company. makers of coin-operated gadgets. gum machines, pinballs -- that sort of harmless junk. there's nothing harmless about the joker! we all know that! nor about a machine which returns 20 silver dollars for a dime. what about the men who installed the machine? clean as driven snow, batman. they're even more surprised than we are. it's open-and-shut -- and gimmicked it, but why?! in the devil's name, why? i can make a guess. [ buzzer ] yes? oh, thank you, bonnie. put him on the conference phone. it's principal schoolfield, woodrow roosevelt high. man: commissioner gordon? speaking. another machine has gone mad in the library. instead of candy bars, it's dispensing negotiable stocks and bonds. schoolfield, this is batman here! do you hear me? yes, hello, batman. who's the president of your student council? a boy named grayson -- a richard grayson, a fine lad. i'm glad to hear it. have him call a meeting in your office. i'll be right there. i'll have him waiting for you. goodbye. i think my guess was right. what, batman? no time to lose. chief o'hara, get me a visual i.d. file on the joker! meet me at the batmobile! i mean, like, look, dickie, so everyone's goofing off. so why shouldn't they? it's quite true. the purpose of our studies is to equip us to make our way in life. if, on the other hand, one has merely to insert a dime in a machine-- he's right. why go through all that studying? for crying out loud! i'm surprised at you guys! we're meant to be student leaders... susie, what do you say? i say... hey, not bad for old schoolfield. quarters. look. hey! not bad, eh? wise up, you guys. life isn't this easy. that's easy for you to say. you're the ward of that rich millionaire. that has nothing to do with it! hey, gang, cut it out. here comes batman. all: batman! robin! batman! robin! sorry, kids, stay back! sorry, robin isn't with me. this batmobile is filled with delicate anti-crime equipment. you might set off the automatic anti-theft system. nobody closer than 50 feet, please. hey, batman, where's robin? attending school, just as you are. what school? i can't tell you that. it might reveal his secret true identity. if anyone hears a sharp beep, ng with an important message. and even as batman races into the school, across town, in a fashionable little bistro... joker: ha ha ha ha! the joke's on you, my cheery boozehounds! it's a stickup! thanks, folks. the party will now resume. believe me, this may look like a party, but it's not. there's a crook behind these handouts. what's his angle? he may have several. one is to lure you into a deceptive pattern of easy living. you'll quit your studies, become dropouts. you'll have no other recourse but to join criminal groups. batman's right. it's a sort of recruiting drive. you? can you corroborate this odd hypothesis? yeah, batman, like, what's the crook's name? i can do better than that. i can show you his picture. what's your name, son? richard grayson, sir! you darken the room. i'll man the projector. roger! here it is, everybody -- the joker. don't be deceived by that grin, anyone. he's one of the most malevolent malefactors we've ever met. you're right. he is. he might be skulking around here in any one of 50 outrageous outfits. for example, here's another one. get a little closer, kids. i want you to see that phony flower in his buttonhole. sometimes it shoots out water, sometimes powder, other times, knockout gas. hey! holy magician! hello, kiddies! meet the joker! no hard feelings. [ buzzer ] corny, aren't i? joker, what are you doing here?! oh, just passing by. i couldn't resist shooting a jolly jet through the tiny perforation in that screen. just passing by, huh? to do what?! gimmick another innocent vending machine? oh, there must be bats in your belfry, batman. has anyone found fingerprints or other evidence? loitering on school property! right -- $5,000 fine and five years imprisonment! ha ha -- no! wrong, kiddies. look up the statute. in gotham city, the crime of loitering requires the loiterer to remain in the same spot for over two minutes. you -- you jailhouse lawyer! the tricky trickster! he's outwitting us! ooh, dear me! the court jester must run. jest in time! ha ha ha ha! [just] well, goodbye, kiddies, and remember, i was here, eh? [ laughs ] what an odd parting remark. why'd he want us to remember he was here? from the lips of a crook, it can mean only one thing. establishing an alibi! the batphone signal! batman! hey, batman! it's your batphone! young woman: the batphone, batman! [ beeping continues ] what now, commissioner? another strike -- a cocktail lounge, a gimmick jukebox. it must be the joker. we'll never make it stick. he has an alibi. maybe we can break it. what?! you?! forget it. give me the address. i'll race to the scene of the crime. right. goodbye. batman, sir! you forgot your box of slides! bring it over! fake a headache. speed home. wait for me in the batcave. you're welcome, sir! boys and girls, go back to your studies. behind this innocent-seeming candy store, an abandoned garage, now headquartersrsf the joker and his current gang, the bad pennies -- high-school dropoutsts most of them. it's a pretty good haul, isn't it? peanuts, my boy -- mere peanuts! that bar job was just a pot-boiling appetizer for the real feast! ho ho! what an inspired stroke o omine, buying up the one-armed bandit novelty company -- look. put it all away. right. set to go off on a third strike? yeah, and i got two strikes rung up already. ho ho, here we go! ha ha ha! sensational! it's a gas! only it won't be colored smoke in a bar. it'll be your knockout stuff. you've done it again, two bits! [ buzzer ] [ laughs ] a timely reminder -- crime can be shocking. [ horn honking ] someone's trying the bubble-gum machine. [ boing ] hiya, gang! ah, sweet sue, shiniest of my bad pennies! boy, joker, you sure are some card, popping out at school like that at batman. wondrously whimsical, wasn't it? it was real crazy, if you ask me. i might have fainted and given the whole game away. any trouble gegeing it? heck, no. like i told you, being chief cheerleader puts me on the student council. once you're on that,t, you can get away with anything. let's see! hands off -- not until i get paid. trusting little wench, aren't you? i'm a crook, joker, just like you. now, where's the payoff? oh! hiya, there, lamb chop. you busy tonight? you lowlife, get away from me. now, look here, baby -- are you stupid or something? the reason i've taken up crime of the finer things in life. now beat it! shut your eyes, sweet susie! oh, yeah? and get an exploding cigar in my ear? no, thanks. you mischievous moppet, shut your eyes, i said! a rhinestone bracelet... a fox-fur stole... and one full quart of imported mexican perfume! [ gasps ] i'm sorry i sassed you. why, this is like some lovely dream. ah, perfect! stolen right from schoolfield's safe -- the key card to my malevolent machination! what is it, joker? look, you boobs -- look and laugh -- examination papers! [ laughs ] [ laughs ] [ laughs ] x + y times x + y -- holy alphabet, what is it?! if you'll excuse me, master robin. yes, alfred? the solution is x squared + 2xy + y squared. gee, sure! why didn't i know that? and with nationwide precollege exams coming up in just three days! [ tires screech ] nothing. holy vacuum, not a single clulu we don't need clues, robin. we know our man is the joker. what we need is evidence. i went over that looted lounge with a fine-toothed comb. i didn't even find a single hair to analyze. gosh, and school morale in a tailspin -- come a month from now, there'll be dropouts by the bushel. if he waits that long. i didn't want to cause panic at that student meeting, but i think the joker has some other dirty plan afoot as well. like what? i think it involves gimmicked machines gee, if we just knew how he gets in to o x 'em! you've guessed it, r rin -- our next move. stake out the school! right again. let's go! [ batmobile approaching ] [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] [ telephone rings ] hello, hello? gimme the sign. how do you stop a dog from b bking in july? countersign -- shoot him in june. veve good! joker, listen... batman and robin just drove into the parking lot. what? the dynamic duo at the schoooo joker, what'll i do, take it on the lam? no, no, no, no, listen! oh, thank heavens for my delicious sense of humor! you have your crooked keys, don't you? natch. all right, sweet sue, find key 17. okay. set the anti-theft systems. let's go. susie! wow, am i ever glad to see you two! just now i saw a suspicious character in the gym! quick, run to safety! we'll take care of him! wait, batman -- look. that machine -- it's been tampered with. this might be tricky. get out your bat-a-rang. i'll slip in a dime. [ clanking ] holy ball and chain! [ grunting ] quick, let's get out our cutting tools. knockout gas! [ footsteps ] , inside this curious vehicle... [ door closing ] it's all hooked up, boss. fifty thousand volts, straight from the city main. good! gosh, joker, this sure is some crazy mixed-up moving van! one of the assets of the one-armed bandit novelty company, my dear. built for a whimsical caribbean dictator. happily for us, if not for the dynamic duo, deposed before delivery. [ batman moaning ] oh, they're waking up! careful now, my dimpled darling -- no names. i'll speak to them through this trick microphone that disguises our voices. sue: [ garbled ] oh, what a ball! holy las vegas, where are we? joker: [ garbled ] in a strange kind of game room, boy blunder. do you see the machine next to you? it's going to spin around merrily and merrily! three liberty bells -- your freedom and $50,000 cash. three oranges -- your frereom only. and if it's three lemons, which the percentages say is the more likely? 50,000 volts of electrifying electricity, my fettered fat man, [batman] automatically on the third lemon. holy fruit salad! sorry, i don't approve of gambling. enough, my captured caped crusaders! i guarantee this machine is fair, game commence! captions paid for by the u.s. department of education ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? na-na na-na na-na na-na na ? man: we have previously seen a day at school... ...a glass of milk... ...not milk, but money. holy cow juice! it's easy living! sounds like the joker. watch out, kids! the joker's back of this! how true! an innocent jukebox... oh, yeah? plunder by remote control! and in the joker's workshop... cheerleader susie... a secret member of the gang? but what's the joker's plan? and that night at school... ....atch out! ouch! knockout gas! a ghastltlgame. three lemons win 50,000 volts?! one lemon... ...two lemons... [ up-tempo music plays ] ? batatn ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ? [ rattling ] hey, boss, look. what, what, what? the whole town -- dark -- streetlights -- everything. oh, curses and criminy! what confounded luck! gotham city is having a power failure, just like new york! let us away! cheese it, everyone! let's go. let's go. [ wailing continues ] [ tires screech ] [ wailing stops ] ndoned truck. let's have a look inside. hoho smoke! quick, officers! cut us out of here before the power comes on! or that's what we will be -- juststoly smokes! a mobile slot-machine torture van -- mere possession of such a vehicle violates 17 separate statutes. and not a shred of evidence tyin' it to the devilish joker -- no fingerprints, stolen license plates. you overlooked this, chief o'hara. a reel of tape? equipped my utility belt with a tiny mimiophone and transmitter. every word those criminals said was recorded in the batmobile. but what good will thahado, boy wonder? i thought you told us they spoke to you through a trick voice distorter. tricky, commissioner -- tricky but vain. they didn't realize that every human voice has its own private wave pattern. private as a fingerprint. astounding. but is it evidence? can it be used by the district attorney? the courts won't accept it as yet. take this tape to the batcave, check it against the voice file. we should learn the identity of the joker's henchmen. we might be able to follow one of them to the joker's hide-out. robin's right. it's our only card. let's hope it's a trump. i'm afraid the joker may still hold the winning hand. will the voice analyzer operate without powewe the batcave is equipped with an anti-crime auxiliary generator, which automatically compensates for any power failure. saints be praised. to the batcave! morning -- hallelujah! the mighty power grid serving gogoam city is back in action, and in the batcave, deep below stately wayne manor... master scope circuit -- a-okay. let's check the beginning of the tape. that'll be susie in the hall. susie: wow, am i ever glad to see you two. what'll i do, jump the tape ahead? perfect. roger. pick it up at 12.7. that'll be when we were tied inside that grisly torture van. 12.7 -- here goes. oh, what a ball! the same voice. i don't believe it -- susie? quick -- both tapes -- let's run 'em again, back to back. wow, am i ever glad to see you two. oh, what a ball! holy benedict arnold -- susie! chief cheerleader -- steady, robin. steady, old chum. but how can it be? it's an old story, i'm afraid -- old as eve and the apple -- that snake! the joker must have promised her some baubles and led her astray. but what are we gonna do, batman? it's bitter, but it's a break -- the first one we've had. we'll have to use it. you're right -- only how? let's see. today is a school holidayayisn't it? where is that cute little trickster nging out? i know -- the easy living candy store. it's on east 3rd, two blocks from school. get set, robin. get set for an ugly job. no -- correction. what? not robin -- dick -- dick grayson, undercover agent. his job is to o t inside that gang. dog george to batman. do you read me? do you read me, batman? loud and clear. over. i'm about to go in. hohos the micro-tv camera working? push button for test pattern. roger. batscope a-okay, dog george. rendezvous in batcave at end of mission. good luck. over and out. good gravy, it's dick graysoso-- president of the student council. a goodnik like that -- coming in here? hiya, sue, baby. how's tricks? i must be seeing things. i thought you spent all your spare time studying. who's the boyfriend? oh, my friends call me nick. no kiddin'. what do your enemies call you? my enemies ain't in no condition to call nobody nothin'. some joker, isn't he? [ clears throat ] uh...you lookin' for something, dickie boy? same as everyone else, sue, baby -- some w w of makin' an easy buck, that's all. you, the ward of that rich millionaire, bruce wayne? if i didn't swipe dimes from the butler, i wouldn't even have cigarette money! wellllhere. have one on me, buster. oh. thanks, pal. right. [ coughs ] i'd better pass this round. i already had two packs today. so, how's the easy-buck setup? you know, he might be able to help us, nick. he's a real super athlete. oh, is that so? you oughta see him climb and stuff. maybe i should introduce him to -- zip your lip, baby. introduce me to who, susie? yeah. oh. there was a cocktail lounge stuck up recently. these guys used a trick jukebox. t that -- some cute caper. yeah. well, here's my tip -- you go down to that same joint at exactly 3:00 pm. today, and you might pick yourself up some nickels and dimes. thanks, pal. that's my tip. i'll see you around, huh? oh, yeah. you'll see me around. so lonon sue, baby. [ jet engine turns over ] gee, nick, what's the idea? why, you gorgeous, dumb hunk of cheerleader. couldn't you see?! that guy is strictly a phony. what do you mean? already had two packs today, huh? my blind grandmother could see that guy never had a weed in his hand in his life. how'd i do, batman? good show, robin. darn good show. it's 20 minutes to 3. we better hurry up if we're gonna trap them in that cocktail lounge. right you are. let's go. [ tires screech ] a trap indeed... ...but who's the mouse? for in that lurid lair of criminal cat, the joker... my favorite kind of joke, one whicicends with a bang. [ laughing ] what about susie? has she filled the milk machine again? she's just gettin' ready. uh, susie, sweetie.... a special extra bonus-- a half-pint of bottle it's calald un nuit pour faire-- "one endless night." gee, that's like poetry. no, susie, no! do not open until after you've loaded the milk machine. do you understand? oh, sure, joker. anything you say. you're just the best bossany cr. oh, thank you. hey, joker. it's three o olock. batman's zero hour -- watch for the green light. [ indistinct conversations, laughter ] back, everybody -- back at the bar. we gotta have room to throw our bat-a-ranan ready with a coin, robin? ready. zero hour -- put it in the slot. roger. batman's funeral dirge begins! i give him five seconds! now! the joke's on you, my cheery boozehounds. it's a stickup. hands up. you're covered. surprise, batman. quick, robin -- down behind the bat-shield. this was gonna happen. or something like it. see, you betrayed yourself in that candy store. how? it was painfully evident that you're not a smoker. nick must have seen that you were working with the police. gee, batman, i'm sorry. don't be silly. it's to your credit that that charade failed. the thing now is to save susie. save susie? work it out. why would an undercocor agent try to pump her? because i knew she was one of the gang! that young lady's life isn't worth a plug lollipop. holy murder! we've gotta find her, quick. where? back at the store? school. on saturday? she'll be in the gym practicing cheers. of course. tonighghthere's a big game -- woodrow roosevelt against disko tech. [discoth?que] let's hurry, batman! bartender, a bit of advice -- these machines can be deadly. [ rings ] hello? yeah, right. yeah, just a sec. he's right here. jojor! joker, it's for you! it's las vegas -- pete the swede. ah. hello, pete the swede. what's the line on the big game tonight? the odds are 20 to 1 on woodrow roosevelt high? oh, what a killing. $50,000 on disko tech. yes, pete the swede, you heard me -- disko tech. $50,000 times 20 -- 1 million bucks. oh, how delicious! ha ha ha ha a ha ha! what? bet against these champs? the clowowprince of crime must have slipped a cog... but wait! disksktech--hey! fight 'em, woodrow roosevelt! beat 'em, woodrow roosevelt! woodrow roosevelt! woodrow roosevelt! fight! fight! fiigghhtt! okay, kids, let's take a break, huh? gee, too bad that magic milk machine's out of order. your life is in danger, susie. the joker knows we're on to you. he'll discard you without mercy like an old shoe. have you guys stripped your gears? quick, catch her. so long, dynamic duo. [ sniffs ] poisoned? dead. are you sure? as bawlin' his head off. oh, well -- well, it had to be done, my bad pennies. what's the death of a greedy, little dupe? this life at best is one long, impmpctical joke. have a memorial cigar. whwh thank you, joker. [ bang ] ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! the brief shadow is lifted! i'm my own humorous self again! what's the hour? 5:22. quick, cameras! disguises! one more! okay, fella's, let's knock it off before we go stale. right, you are, cap. we'll quit while we got our razor-r-arp edge. we'll beat 'em by 50 points tonight. we'll do it for susie, right? right. come on. be fixed. hey, who's got a dime? here. i got one. what the heck? this machine's been fixed, all right. good gosh! these are next week's nationwide pre-college exam papers. cocolete with the answers written in. [ camera shutter clicks ] ho ho ho ho! dear me. how disillusioning. the champs are cheats -- caught red-handed with the answers to the nationwide pre-e-llege exam. the joker. at the moment, merely an honest citizen. we was passin' by to i ipect this here school property, which we support with our taxes. and imagine our surprise. hey, we're not cheats! oh, it's a typical, filthy, joker's trick. well, it hardly matters, boys, now, does it? when the board of education sees this picture with you holding the answer to those exams -- oh ho ho ho! good gosh! we'll be suspended! we won't be allowed to play disko tech tonight. ah, well -- ha ha ha ha ha ha! the scrubs? they'll be creamed! oh, so sad, so sad. tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. and after batman's lectures to you about honesty -- [ gasps ] what on earth will the caped crusader say? batman: ballplayers... run for cover! don't worry about those exam papers. they're a fake! we planted t tm, and the joker's picture doesn't mean a thing! we saved susie's life by using the universal antidote pills in our utility belts. e repaid us by revealing the whole criminal scheme!e! okay, batman, let's deliver the punch line. you're out of circulation! they'll melt you down in the pen! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ whistling ] holy new yr's s e! me fous trick streamers! ha ha ha ha ha ha! have a sneeze on me, batman! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! no use, joker. i knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so i took an anti-allergy pill. instead of a sneeze, i've caught you cold! that's what easy living gets you, kids. stick to your books... well, i guess it's "goodbye," susie. goodbye, dick. i give you my word -- i'll mail you all the new cheers as soon as they're made up. you can practice them while you're...away. gosh. what's the matter? you've all been so nice to me. i can hardly bear it. heck, susie, it wasn't all your fault. i mean, with your unhappy childhood and a broken home and everything, it's time, susie. the chauffeur is waiting. gee...imagine being taken to jail by a chauffeur. dly a jail, susie. the wayne foundation for delinquent girls heck, no. there are teams and clubs and everything. i don't know what to say to you both. thanks, dick. you're w wcome, susie. i'll have nightmares all my life, mr. wayne. if it hadn't beenn for that power failure, ulrobin be? and where would batman be? where would dick grayson be? huh? don't think about it, young people. just be thankful that life is filled goodbye, susie. goodbye. captions paid for by the u.s. department of education ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? batman ? ? na-na na-na na-na na-na na ?

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