Here you go, mom. Thank you. Betsy, i cant wait to try your homemade muffins. mouth full mmm. Snooze, you lose, dude. mouth full oh, man. These are so good. So good. Oh, man. gravelly voice big bubba needs food. Come on. Feed me. Oh. Sorry you had to meet mr. Bellyface, maam. Well, i should go check on stan. Thanks, mom. clenches teeth lets go. Get out. Drop those muffins. Did you hear her . She has to go check on stan cause what . I pay so little attention to him that he might just walk out the front door and knock down some neighbors mailbox . Well, that did happen yesterday to my mailbox. You know what i mean. Now is she or is she not the worst . Ooh. Godawful. I cant her. Horrible. I thought she seemed pretty cool. whispers wow. Ooh. Youve always been dead to me, but now you are even deader. Way to go, new guy. New guy . door opens i am a key member of this group. door closes i provide the sizzle. hisses and, yes, shes sweet, and she makes muffins so good that im smushing together the crumbs for bobby. Youre making me a muffin ball . Youre welcome. thud oh. Still, ellie thinks shes horrible, so we all agree with her. door closes oh. I think i can fix this. Half pint, whats betsy really like . Ill always be grateful to betsy cause the only reason ellie dated me in the first place was to piss her off. Wow, youre like a big, cuban middle finger. Juno it, mang. Mmm. highpitched voice thank you. normal voice youre welcome, bubb. Youre welcome. whistles captioned by closed captioning services, inc. Jules, would you please pass the salt . Sure. Thank you. What . You said something nice about her mom, and now shes not speaking to you. Thats great. Okay, how about we all agree not to talk about our moms . I mean, its easy for me because my moms dead. Mine, too. Deadmom high five. People that i used to talk to just dont get it. I know my mom seems nice, but shes like that cartoon frog that sings and dances when no ones looking, only instead of singing and dancing, she tells me i have lesbian legs. Everybody has issues with their mom, okay . Im sure shes not as bad as you say. Jules agrees with me. clank chuckles did you just try and kick me . strained voice im wearing sandals. You dont believe that my mom is a cold, heartless sociopath . She made me muffins. Oh, ellie no. Oh, great. Now shes not talking to me. Sorry. No. Now im not talking to you. Best meal i ever had. hums hey, new guy. I know it sucks being new. In college, i was hazed so badly my first year of spirit squad. I just said i was a male cheerleader, and you dont have a followup question . Im good. You know, youll always be new guy until you dig deeper with your friends. Hi, guys. Observe. Hey, laurie. I was just telling grayson here about my first year in spirit squad. O. M. G. Spot, tell me everything. Eh . Okay, wait. Where do you buy those big, honking wristbands . Did the girls let you touch their junk cause they thought you were gay . How high could you kick . Could you kick this high . Whoo sighs its friday, and youre watching sig play computer solitaire . So lame. Yo, drop a jack on that red bitch. Come on, guys. We have this Awesome Party house, but chicks never come here. Okay . And maybe. The helmet i wore for the last six weeks was holding us back. I dont know. Could be, every time a chick does show up, sig shoots nose blood all over her. I get stress bleeds, okay . I could die. You couldnt. Look, we need to do something to let this campus know that we exist. Okay . And i have an idea, but were gonna need some help, so. Who farted . Oh, good. Your dads here. He was the only one i knew with power tools, plus hes gonna take the heat if we get caught. Yeah, you cant kick me out of college twice. Now whats the plan, boys . Well, i was thinking we steal im in. Now what about you girls . Its time to sack up or pack up. Here you go, mom. Mm, thank you. Did you have a nice lunch with your little whitetrash sidekick . Mmhmm. You know, she even smells cheap, like moonshine and taco meat. Hey theres my pretty girl. Aw. You know what . I got you a little engagement gift. Aw. Are you still not talking to me . No, were totally cool. Wow, i regret doing that. I need a nap. I have been pulling serious hooker hours with my latenight baking. You know, whatever. Small price to pay for working on your lifelong dream, huh . mouths words whats your lifelong dream, laurie . Since i was a little girl, i have wanted to own a cake shop. I love baking cakes. Have i never showed you pictures . Do you want to see . No. Yes. Um. Heres my bunny cake. Thats a gayke. Gays love cake. Theres a mermaid cake, pregnant mermaid for baby showers, pie cake. Pie cake. Um, theres my puppy cake, my bruce willis cake, alan rickman cake i had just watched die hard. Unicorn cake, burrito cake. Oh, and these tiny ones theyre boobshaped cupcakes. I thought that they would sell twice as fast because it would be weird for someone to come in and just buy one, right . I have more in my bag pictures. Hold on. All right. So. How could you not believe me about my mom . Youre my best friend. All i ask is that you have blind faith in me and that you hit me with a shovel if i ever got a toe ring. Fine. If you say shes the devil, then all right, shes the devil. door opens betsy sorry its not wrapped. whispers all right. Ow what are you doing . Showing you hell. Jules had to leave. Ungrateful little bitch. Shed ruin this scarf anyway with that tacky black hair dye. With all that eyeliner, god forbid she starts crying. Shed look like alice cooper. Probably. voice breaking whos alice cooper . whispers dont. Was she pretty . Introducing centrum vitamints. 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The only cold and flu liquid gel thats maxstrength and fights mucus. Start the relief. Ditch the misery. Lets end this. Everyone loves the way dark clothes make them feel. And no one wants that feeling to fade. Thats why theres woolite darks. Its free of harsh ingredients, keeping dark clothes looking like new for 30 washes so your love for dark clothes will never fade. Woolite darks. I dont remember a time i ever felt good about myself after being around my mom. Sweetie, youre not only my soul mate. Youre my moral compass. Just tell me, do i really need to keep her in my life . Its a toughie because im not talking to you. Seriously, dude . Sorry. My bad. Yes. She stays in your life. Thats how family works. But theres nothing good about her. Untrue. Shes 66 and still hot. That bodes well for me. chuckles keep moving. I cant remember one nice thing shes ever said to me. Maybe she just cant say it to your face. Whatever. I dont care. Oh. Well, see, now i know you care. Thats your tell hitting the people you love. I mean, most people use words, but its not important. Now do you want me to get your mom to Say Something nice about you . I dont care. Stop it. Yes, please. What . Were stealing the cougar statue . Yeah were just casing it for now, okay . So act natural. Hey. sighs dad, what, are you fake hackysacking . Got a good volley going on right now. Why does this school even have a cougar . Nothing here has anything to do with cougars. Who cares . If we steal it, our house will finally be the party house and not just the house where that dental student blew his head off. Your house is haunted by a ghost dentist . Im scared of both of those things. All right. Thats a bigass cat, so i called in a man with a truck. Come here. Howdy, trav. Grandpa. Look, i appreciate you wanting to help, but were gonna do some pretty shady stuff. Im not quite sure its up your aloh are you kidding me . What the hell . man hey be cool, boys. Be cool. They went that way. Thanks. They never suspect the old guy. Rolo . Oh, yeah. Okay. Since you recently found out youre a dad, i baked you a congrats on your baby that you had with the drunk girl that you picked up at your bar before you started dating jules cake. Tada and its a ladybug, which is relevant in. Zero ways. I was gonna bake a red velvet baby, but then i thought it might be weird to eat your own baby. I had a hamster that did that once. It was so super gross. whispers but i could not look away. normal voice, laughs nature. Oh i gotta go. Im late for work. laughing work. Are you happy . Thanks to you, ive been the target of lauries mouth cannon for two days straight. Cake. Cake. Giant jewelry. Hot black guys. Cake. Poor grayson. Your life is just like a blues song. Badada dada, my thoughtful friends dadada dada, bring me ladybug cake man ah, good. You finally serve desserts here. Ill have a piece. Uh, thats not for sale. Come on sell the cake. Youll be a dreammaker like, uh, simon cowell. Im not gonna do that. Ill give you 10 bucks for a slice. Done. Lets make some dreams happen. Mom free wine over here come over oh, great. If you want her to trust you and open up, youre gonna have to be as mean as she is. I can be junkyard nasty, bitch. Im sorry. Youre so pretty. Fail. Youre gonna have to crank that mean dial way up. I can do this. Wine me. All right. Mm. Mmm. gargles well, thats a waste. Listen. whispers yeah. Once you enter her world. Mm. Its hard to stop being mean. I mean, its a miracle i can control it. You think you control it . Im controlling it now. door opens here she comes. Oh. door closes hey. Hi. Where did ellie go . Oh, um. To check on stan. You know, i stole this bottle of wine from graysons bar. Dont tell on me. Grayson can be a bit of a cheapskate. Could be worse. whispers crank up. Grayson is a selfcentered pretty boy with a bastard child and eyes so tiny, you could blindfold him with a bead necklace. Jules. Youre awful. I really am. whispers okay. Shes in. whispers high five. Awesome. Hey. Nice horse trailer. I conceived your mom in there. Theres the first scar of the night. Hey, itll hold a statue. Now listen. Everybody stick to the plan, and nobodys gonna get pinched. Whoa. You brought a gun . Well, you bring a gun so you dont have to use a gun. What . click im just making sure its not loaded. blusters hey. Theres a horse in here. You forgot to unload annabelle . Yeah. Im old. Could we just do this . Uhoh. Sigs stressed. Lets go home. No, no, no, no, no. This is our moment. We cant just run away at the first sign of door opens and closes scatter. Scatter. Rookies. Its just a surprise. No ones gonna hit you. highpitched voice boop. Check out my new menu. Krazy kakes huh . Even bought a new oven. Youll make the cakes here, ill sell them, and well split the profits. highpitched laugh yeah shes not doing it with me. Grayson, this is really sweet, but im not interested. Sorry. chuckles how about you give me a 1second head start for every hundred dollars that you spent on her . So that would be what, like, three, four seconds . 11. Thatsthats a lot of seconds. My first husband was the rare triple threat. He combined alcoholism and no personality with severe ugliness. chuckles once the cash was gone, so was i. Those may be the darkest thoughts ive ever heard strung together. He was ellies dad, you know. She definitely made it harder to meet husband number two. Oh, bets. chuckles youre talking about your daughter. You know, its a funny thing about kids. You raise them, provide for them you do your job as a parent because you have to. Theres no guarantee therell be any real connection, you know. If you had to Say Something nice about ellie, you could. Come on. Gun to your head. Say something. singsongy uhoh. Im cocking it. makes clicking noise huh. Dont make me do it. Good night. glass clatters hey, stan. Is that mine . As you were. 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Thats. Wow. Thanks, jules. I am such a liar. Oh. Pretzel . Bye. exhales deeply i should have asked you if you wanted to sell cakes. Okay . But ive learned my lesson. I will never listen to andy again. And i learned two lessons one, graysons a lot faster than he looks, and two, he still thinks wedgies are funny. chuckles cause they are. Andy, why dont you just pull that thing down . They dont go down. Theyre in me. Oh. Youre crazy not to sell your cakes, and im not just saying that because i 1,100 in the hole. I dont care. Uh, dont say, i dont care, because it makes me a little, uh, ragey. I dont care. sighs there it is again. I dont care. Thats it. I am taking that cake and im gonna sell it. No, youre not. Dont touch it. Ill touch it. No, youre not. Grayson. All right. Guys, g put it down right now. No. Get 1,100 all yelling i dont care i sighs im still selling this chuckles this is perfectly good. Im still selling this you know, before the cougar statue, they used to have a series of bronze sculptures depicting famous battle scenes from the civil war. Thats a great story. Dont be like your scaredycat buddies. Theres nothing to be afraid of. Ghost dentist both aah horse whinnies dad, i need to talk to you. Wait. What are you guys doing here, anyway . Were stealing im in i love it when we do things as a family. Hey is that the fuzz . Everybody go civil war statue. blustering seriously . And here is your mug cake. Oh, isthats why you called me here . To rub that in my face . Thats cool. Laurie, i know why you bailed on me. Youre scared. Laurie keller isnt scared of anything. Except for old people smiling at me. I swear its like they want to steal your soul. Its okay to be afraid. Not of old people. Thats insane. Do you know what i love most about myself, grayson . I mean, besides everything . Its that i know who i am. Im a High School Dropout who works a boring job and gets paid just enough money to buy really loud clothes. And im fine with that because i know that one day, im gonna run krazy kakes. But. You get that if i try and i fail, then theres no more one day, right . My biggest dream was to have a kid. Now i do. Aw. Look, not everything with jills how i imagined itd be. Isnt her name tampa . Her first name is tampa. Her middle name is jill, and im going with jill. Why . The point is its amazing having jill in my life. The realitys better than the dreams ever were, and youll never know if thats true for you unless you roll the dice. Grayson. inhales sharply whimpers roy. Roy, go back to your table. Okay . Ill bring you a beer. sighs thanks, new guy. All right. Lets sell some cakes. Right. chuckles ah. You need to really work on that nosebleed, sig. Thats why you dont have a girlfriend, man. Im sorry, man. cause you always got nosebleeds. I told you no way. You guys got it. Yep, plus i learned something thats gonna help us in college. Campus cops will forget anything for 20 bucks. They will. Boys, lets go celebrate. Im gonna show you how to score free pizza. Who wants to fakechoke on a sausage . Ooh, im in. June bug. Didnt you want to talk . door opens dad, you never let me do anything. door closes i let you commit a felony tonight. Now whats on your mind . All right. Ellies mom is just so awful, and i know you cant close the door on family, but horse feathers. Do you think bobby and i enjoyed helping travis steal that statue . I do. Youre right. It was awesome. both chuckle but even it had stunk, we still would have been there, because the people we love need to know that were always on their side. You dont get a free pass just because you share the same blood. Being part of a familys something you got to earn. Otherwise, the hell with you. Im so glad youre my dad. pats leg aw. You guys want to get high . No. Get out. Wheres your mom . Packing. Cars coming to take her to the airport. paddy caseys everybody wants playing i get big carl . Mmhmm. Whats going on . Are you dying . Ellie, i lied, and i never lie. You always lie. I dont. You do. Fine, but never about big stuff. Usually about big stuff. I think were getting sidetracked. Listen, your mom didnt say anything nice about you. Im so sorry. I think, deep down, i knew. Well, i do have some good news. As your moral compass, im freeing you. You dont have to see her anymore if you dont want to. Awesome whoa. Didnt expect you to be this excited. Can i get a deadmom high five . Morbid, but all right, if you really want one. Oh, i want one. I want two. Dead. Momfive. Are you sure youre okay . Dont worry. I honestly dont care one way or the other if i ever see my mom again. Oh. Well, maybe by cutting her out, shell realize that she needs to change. You think she will . I hope so. betsy ellie the cars here. Im gonna head out now so i have time to buy magazines at the airport. Okay, mom. Ill come over and say goodbye. No, no, thats okay. Thanks for the visit. Im sure well talk soon. Bye, mom. Want a hug . cause everybody wants to feel needed sometimes whispers i dont lie. You do. So much. Never. You lie all the time. I dont want to lie. Never met someone that lies as much as you. Important message for women and men ages 50 to 85. Please write down this tollfree number now. Right now, in areas like yours, people are receiving this free information kit for guaranteed acceptance Life Insurance with a rate lock through the Colonial Penn program. If youre on a fixed income or concerned about rising prices, learn about affordable whole Life Insurance with a lifetime rate lock that guarantees your rate can never increase for any reason. If you did not receive your information, or if you misplaced it, call this number now and well rush it to you. Your acceptance is guaranteed, with no health questions. Please stand by to learn more. 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