Transcripts For WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170811

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>> jimmy: hi, everybody. thank you. i'm glad you are here. looking around now because this morning i saw one of the saddest things i have ever seen. i saw a man, an adult man and if there are children watching, i want to ask you to turn your televisions off now. i saw a man carrying a homemade selfie stick. just a regular stick with this phone at the end and the phone was secured to the stick with 800 feet of scotch tape. can you imagine? going to the lengths of making one at home. i don't know how it would work. you still have to press the button. i tried to help him. i thought you know what i will do, i will run him over with my car to put him out of his misery. but there were a lot of people on the street. instead i just drove by to give him one of these. with a woman too. he found someone to marry him. can you imagine this? he was not listening. the world is spinning out of control and men are making selfie sticks. you know how president trump said all that stuff about north korea facing fire and 4y and everyone got worked up about it because it was insane, the president held a press conference from the steps of the golf koursz in new jersey and not only did he not try, he wrapped it up. >> in north korea even thinks about attacking of anyone we love or represent or allies or us, they can be very, very nervous. i will tell you why ask they should be. things will happen to them like they never thought possible. okay? >> jimmy: you know it's things that people in north korea never thought possible? eating a sandwich is one of them. wi-fi, shoes, you name it. we have this president -- he is making these threats and maybe his threat about the fire and fury wasn't tough enough and later in the day, he told kim jong un if you blow up guam, you are in a lot of trouble, young man. >> i read about guam by august 15th. let's see what he does with guam. if he does something if guam, it will be an event the likes of which no one has seen before in north korea. you will see. you'll see. he'll see. he will see. it's not a dare. it's a statement. it has nothing to do with dare. it's a statement. >> it sounded less like a statement. we have given donald trump a big red button that said do not press and we are hoping he doesn't press it. where is dennis rodman when we need him? really. seriously starting to wonder if the original wire is in trump's head. maybe he's just drunk. i don't know. we showed him down to half speed for the north korea edition act together. or they are going to be in trouble like few nations ever have been in trouble in this world. okay? >> jimmy: i hope you heard that. you better get your act together or you will be in trouble. this is what my mother said when i got a d in geometry. this is what is on the president's mind when he wakes up. he retreated a twitter poll who is a better president of the united states, trump 64% and obama 39%. that's what you call keeping your eye on the ball. the people who posted that poll, they are not exactly scientific. this is the poll they put up earlier this week. do you think seth rich was murdered by the dnc and half the respondent said yes. he is retweeting a poll that said he is better than the previous president. it's tragic if you think about it. he has a billion and a massive empire and a beautiful family. the most important job in the world and he is so needy and insecure, he retweets a sad, fake online poll. it's heart breaking if you think about it. somebody needs to give him a hug and tell him he is doing the best he can before he kills everyone on guam! oh, my gosh. can you imagine being in guam right now? or ever for that matter. it's scary enough being in california. here's something to reassure those of us. a public service announcement made back in 2014, it could be assistance in a nuclear attack. >> oh, no. it's blown. the cloud is in the sky. you have to get inside. you don't need to be scared or loud. you can survive even a mushroom cloud. if you want to be okay, gotta do what i say ♪ ♪ so get inside and stay inside, stay tuned, stay tuned to the news ♪ >> stay tuned to the news? what the hell good is the news. i am not spending my last moments on earth watching the action 5 news team. donald trump not only is he trading threats with kim jung un, but attacking mitch mcconnell and he slammed him and told him to get back to work from vacation. ta that makes it more effective. we are facing a nuclear attack and our president is having a twitter feud with mitch mcconnell. i think i have an idea. i was thinking about this and i think i have an idea that can help. donald trump was the first president in over 100 years that doesn't have a dog. it's true. the only golden thing he doesn't own is a retriever. obama, bush, clinton all had dogs. president garfield had a dog that was named after a cat. the last president that didn't have a dog was william mckinley. he had kittens and roosters and a parrot. he seemed like a fun guy. relaxed. i know trump rubbed sean spicer's belly and tells him how good he is a couple of times a day. a dog would relax him. even kim jong un has a dog. he has one for lunch every day. is that a rumor? it's thursday night and it's time to bleep the big tv moments in the week. it is this week in unnecessary censorship. >> president trump was making extremely clear he won't accept ultimatums from that [ bleep ] in north korea. >> he likes to walk loudly and carry a small stick. >> it's tough to watch your fiance [ bleep ] other men. >> give that guy a towel. >> and a new pair of shoes. >> what is the most common thing in india that begins my husband wants. my husband wants me to [ bleep ]. >> i don't know why i couldn't [ bleep ]. >> a huntington beach hotel takes the surf city usa to a new level and fulfills dreams of [ bleep ] a mermaid. >> you know what we used to say about squash? it sounds like someone sat on my [ bleep ]. >> that's not good. . >> and all that [ bleep ]. >> yes, indeed. you got it. >> jimmy: we will take a break and when we come back, excellence in reporting and three ridiculous questions for snoop dogg. stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ that's the new rockstar. ♪ ♪ all jeans on sale, up to fifty percent off. no time to spare! woman: so this happened. nikki picked up some lime-a-rita's and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. we started hanging a disco ball but then the ball reminded ava of her sequined dress. now we have two disco balls. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment. lime-a-rita. twith choices like the classicr. crab lover's dream and new favorites like dueling crab legs with dungeness and snow crab. it's happening right now right here at crabfest. red lobster. now this is seafood. doto be our next spokesperson?m he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! try the new caramel m&m's. ow. ♪ [brother] any last words? [boy] karma! [vo] progress is seizing the moment. your summer moment awaits you, now that the summer of audi sales event is here. ♪ [vo] your summer moment awaits you now that the summer of audi sales event is here. audi will cover your first month's lease payment on select models during the summer of audi sales event. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. john lithgow and music from diana is on the way. you know the coffee place, starbucks? have you seen them? starbucks has a problem and the problem is there are too many of them. there is a starbucks on every corner because there is. on average almost four starbucks within a mile of any given starbucks. you left a starbucks and you need another starbucks. it's heavy here in california and california is 75% of starbucks have another location less than a mile away. this is what happens when you get a starbucks after midnight. they multiply. the only way to expand, they will open starbucks in other starbucks stores. in new york city right now, not only do they have too many starbucks, but they have two million rats living in new york city, they think. they haven't counted, but a lot of them are homeless. it's very sad. some of them starred trerrorizig parents walking their babies. the nannies are walking the babies. the rats have been jumping into the strollers to steal the snacks from the kid. isn't that -- that's horrific i have to say. in new jersey they had the same problem with chris christie. i saw this on the new this is morning. my wife and i said if that happened to us, we would move immediately. we don't have that. we have a lot of problems in l.a. our rats don't eat much. they are body conscious. the only way they can book a commercial is to be in shape. this is security camera footage from australia. there is a master class on how to break and enter. first this guy i guess his keg is empty and he throws it at the glass and he throws it again. in no rush. again and again. then he tries to kind of step through. he seemed to be smoking too while he's -- he's keeping this cigarette lit. now he is squeezing his body through the hole which doesn't seem like a great idea this is where it gets good. he does finally manages to get through relatively unscathed. the door was open. sometimes when god breaks a window, he opens a door. >> football season is almost upon us. seven exhibition games tonight. we all of a sudden have not one, but two nfl teams in l.a. now we have two. the rams and the charger his a friendly intersquad joint scrimmage minus the friendly part. sadly that's probably the most exciting thing that will happen to either the rams or the chargers this season. they were charging in. this is good too. congratulations are in order for jane slater of the nfl network for excellence in reporting. >> not at practice today. head coach jason garrett said he is dealing with back stiffness. if you will remember, last year he was dealing with a bulging dick -- disk issue. >> that has to make things awkward in the huddle. we have a great show tonight. but before we get to them, i want to catch up with an old friend. i got the chance to shoot the shizzle with the rapper and gardening enthusiast clone as snoop dogg. we turned off the smoke detector to bring you these three ridiculous questions with snoop. >> we know what your favorite hobby is. how do you remember all your passwords? >> oh, wow. that's a great question. i would have to say teleke neesz. >> you are able to move things around? >> i tell a few of my nieces. >> if you could punch one of the seven dwarfs in the face, which would it be? >> i would punch sleepy dwarf in the face and wake his ass up. >> the song ymca came on. would you do the dance to it? you would. you have done this before. >> i like the village people. >> which was your favorite? >> the black one. >> you know what, a toast to the black one. >> hello! >> tank ray gin. the answer to all of life's ridiculous questions. s it bette. he's also a championship-winning football coach. look at that formation. but when it comes to mortgages, he's less confident. fortunately for andre, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so he can understand the details and be sure he's getting the right mortgage. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. take 25% off nike l's get the gear. win the school year. right now get 25% off select nike shoes, apparel and accessories for the whole family and, everyone gets kohl's cash! earn it on everything! spend it on anything! game on kohl's. nyone has a reason that these two should not be wed, speak now. (coughs) so sorry. oh no... it's just that your friend daryl here is supposed to be live streaming the wedding and he's not getting any service. i missed, like, the whole thing. what? and i just got an unlimited plan. it's the right plan, wrong network. you see, verizon has the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. it's built to work better in cities. tell you what, just use mine. thanks. no problem. all right, let's go live. say hi to everybody who wasn't invited! (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. plus, get the pixel, by google for $5 a month. fios is not cable. we're a 100% fiber optic network. and with the new fios gigabit connection... you get our fastest... internet ever. with download speeds up to 940 megs - 20 times faster than most people have. switch to fios gigabit connection with tv and phone for $79.99 a month online for the first year. plus hbo for one year and multi-room dvr service for two years, all with a two-year agreement. and switching has never been easier. get out of your contract with up to a $500 credit to help cover your early termination fee. go to fiosgigabit.com >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. from the movie goon, last of the show is here. the latest album is called turn up the quiet. the great diana krall. diana is live tomorrow and saturday night just up the street from us at the hollywood bowl. next week on the show, we have new shows with ray romano, floyd my weather jooun. lake bell and music from bryson tiller and midland too. join us for all of that next week. our first guest is an oscar nominated tony golden globe and emmy award winning actor whose love for gold continue as winston churchill. now on netflix. please welcome john lithgow. i always imagined you were a big fella. sure enough you are. glad to have you here. >> this is the first time i met this man. >> jimmy: great to have you here. congratulations on your emmy nomination. this is your 12th emmy nomination. does it even register anymore? >> 12 seems like a big number. >> jimmy: it is a big number. >> i only won of them. >> jimmy: so if you win this one, you will be at 50%. that will be nice. >> good batting average. >> jimmy: you don't wake up early to hear the nominations? >> i get nervous and i like to forget they are announcing them. i go up to montana, my wife's home state in the summertime. i always loved being delightfully surprised at 6:30 in the morning. oh, it's sunday morning and being told i was nominated. this year i happened to know it was emmy morning the next day and nothing happened at 6:30 or 7:30 or 8:30. they moved the time later. it is later now. at 9:30 i started getting all these e-mails and texts of congratulations, but in the meantime i was sulking. >> jimmy: really? a good morning sulk. do you watch your own work? are you a person that is able to? a lot of actors sometimes here on the show will show clips from the movie or show and they look away because they don't want to see themselves? >> i understand that. i used to be that way. god never intended us to see ourselves act, i think. >> jimmy: maybe never even to see ourselves. >> but you know third rock from the sun broke that. >> jimmy: is that right? that broke it? >> that are show is completely mad and extravagant and different from me. i love them. i thought i was hilarious. >> jimmy: you would go and watch it? >> it's my guilty pleasure. >>. >> jimmy: do you watch it on syndication or what? >> i'm too embarrassed to tell you. >> it might be just like the income tax episode. where i try being a woman. really funny. >> jimmy: that's great. do you watch them alone or do you bring others into the room? >> people think i'm ridiculous. i have to watch them alone. not that often. i'm not crazy. >> jimmy: not like jeopardy every night? >> it's a little bit sad, but also nice. my wife and i were clicking around and on came foot loose. >> jimmy: yeah, you were the reverend. >> who are wouldn't let the kids dance. i had not seen that film at all since it was released. well over 30 years ago. we watched the last 20 minutes and i was good. i was very good. >> jimmy: to be able to assess your performance and enjoy it. >> so much older now and he was a young guy. amazingly enough, i watched terms of endearment on an airplane. >> jimmy: recently? >> a couple months ago there was nothing else to see. i watched terms of endearment and cried. >> jimmy: laughing and crying. >> no movie delivers tears like that. the amazing thing is i made foot skploos terms of endearment simultaneously. i was doing foot loose in utah and asked to replace another actor in terms of endearment. they managed to fiddle the schedule so i could fly out and do my entire role in terms of endearment in five days. i have the same hair in both movies. >> jimmy: that's strange. you didn't tell people on terms of endearment they shouldn't be dancing. they frowned on that. >> they needed a more persuasive adulterer. i was the guy. >> jimmy: your first oscar nomination was the world according to garth. >> that was like a life achievement award. >> what are do you remember about that move he? >> i will tell you my favorite story. it was not while i was making it. a ways after. it was a big thing for me. it was a breakthrough movie role. my first oscar nomination. big success. about five years later, i was doing a different movie in scars dale, new york. i took my kids to the community pool. do you remember there were these extraordinary opening credit sequence. >> jimmy: with the baby. >> the baby being thrown up against the blue sky to this music of when i'm 64. >> jimmy: the beatles. >> stark neaked male baby floating up in and out of the frame. well, at the scars dale public pool with my own kids, this couple came up to me five years after that and i had a 5-year-old boy and they said are you the man from according to garth? i said that's me. they said this is our son and he was the baby. from the opening credits. i said how amazing. who would have thought? they turned to him and said brandon, this was in your movie. >> was brandon impressed? >> brandon was tired of his parents saying that. >> jimmy: i hope you don't mind and i'm excited you brought this up. we did detective work knowing it was the 35 year anniversary of that film and it so happens we were able to find brandon. come on out here. the real brandon. >> the guy from my movie. get in here. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. no splashing! wait so you got rid of verizon, just like that? uh-huh. i switched to t-mobile, kept my phone-everything on it- -oh, they even paid it off! wow! yeah. it's nice that every bad decision doesn't have to be permenant! ditch verizon. keep your phone. we'll even pay it off when you switch to america's best unlimited network. ♪ when you filter out the bad... you're left with...the good. in life. and in water. choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. choose the filtered life. 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what happened? dad kinda walked into my swing. huh? don't you mean dad kind of ruined our hawaii fund? i thud go to the thothpital. there goes the airfair. i don't think health insurance will cover all... of that. buth my fathe! without that cash from - aflac! - we might have to choose between hawaii or your face. hawaii! what? haha...hawaii! you might have less coverage than you think. visit aflac.com and keep your lifestyle healthy. aflac! >> diana krall like a cool north wind she came down across the canadian border and is the costar of goon. it opens in theaters and digi l digitally on september 1st. how are you doing? >> very well, thank you. how are you? >> jimmy: are you still in montreal? >> oh, gosh, i sold out and moved to toronto. >> jimmy: why did you move to toronto? >> it's a lovely town and i work there a lot. if i want to work in canadian sa noma which i'm one of the few people who does, it behooves me to move to toronto. >> i would never stop eating. >> that's what we constantly do. >> jimmy: great food up there. >> you can't go to a bad restaurant. >> jimmy: which is your tafrt? >> there are all these gourmet spots, but my favorite is a chain restaurant called st. huberts. >> jimmy: stray canadians will wander in here. >> jimmy: so what do they have at st. huberts? >> they do this -- >> jimmy: your regular order? >> i'm a simple man. chicken, fries and gravy. >> jimmy: you can't beat it. >> in my infinite wisdom and arrogance, i asked if i could be in commercials with them. >> jimmy: you asked them? the guy at the counter? they said like i eat a lot of chicken. can i be in your commercials? the reply is we are very happy he eats as much chicken as he does, but we don't want him in our commercial. >> jimmy: why don't they want you? >> it was very, very humblinhum. every time you think you are quasi-famous or something. >> jimmy: you don't have to get their permission. >> i am film myself eating chicken. stay tuned after that. >> jimmy: i was in montreal last summer and we had a lot of great meals there. it might have been illegal because they served me a moose heart. that's the most canadian thing you can ever put in your mouth. >> it's like taking a bath with jim carey. slightly more fulfilling, i suspect. >> jimmy: have you had moose heart? >> i avoided it. i had ill-cooked elk. >> jimmy: elk is great. >> not the way this guy did it. it was bloody and cold. >> jimmy: was it cooked? >> it was technically. i remember in winnipeg and in pin peg, he's going do a night for us. great. and it was elk. it wasn't my cup of tea. >> the moose heart was good. this movie, you directed the sequel to goon. goon is about hockey for those of you who don't know. >> hockey has a strange role, a position this it. that is going to the wayside. that air passed, but it's the only professional sport in north america that allows fighting to happen. >> jimmy: except for boxing and mixed martial arts. >> yeah. it's the only noncombat sports in north america that allows fighting and it used to be for a time there was at least one roster spot for a guy who was good with his fists and that was fertile ground. >> this was super popular amongst hockey players. >> it seems to be. i don't know all 700 plus nhlors, but the few i had contact with -- they seem to know it and reference it. they are wearing highlanders hats and there is a tremendous amount of good will. >> jimmy: who is the number one goon? >> the single greatest hockey fighter. chris didn't watch my movie for years because of that. we tried to repurpose it. >> he watched the movies the goonies when he came out? >> he was in the apex of his hockey career at that time. jim they like to be enforcers or hockey players. >> and if you have to specify enforcer. >> i see. were there guys that embrace? i assume lots of them like being goons. >> a lot of them like getting to do it. >> jimmy: did they ask you to be in the sequel? >> i was very -- we knew one thing and wie would do the second one. we wanted to populate it with as many guys that play hockey as we can. we started recruiting guys like brandon and george and colton. we got an e-mail from a guy calling himself mel the mangler who just e-mailed us who said i think goon is based on my life. i know for a fact it isn't. my fight is still regarded as the best of all time. she literally like a fireman and an ems guy. great. yes. in our movie, they took a week off. >> jimmy: even if he didn't, they are not going to say they did a good job. >> absolutely not. every man that can kill me to save as much face as possible. what's cool when you put sort of non-actors on screen with actors, they make each other better. every actor wants to sound as real as they can and every non-actor wants to do a good job. that ends up being a cool thing. >> jimmy: we have to guilty you involved in the trump-north korea situation. you could potentially solve that. >> no thank you. >> jimmy: the movie is called goon, last of the enforcers. it will be in theaters. we'll be right back with diana krall. every year south jersey sends more and more tax money to trenton, but gets less and less back thanks to steve sweeney and chris christie. here's the sweeney-christie record eight years of underfunded schools. huge tax breaks for themselves and their rich friends while we pay more. and homestead rebate funding for seniors cut in half next year. don't believe the fake news from his wealthy donors. steve sweeney stands with chris christie, not with south jersey. fios is not cable. we're a 100% fiber optic network. and with the new fios gigabit connection... you get our fastest... internet ever. with download speeds up to 940 megs - 20 times faster than most people have. switch to fios gigabit connection with tv and phone for $79.99 a month online for the first year. plus hbo for one year and multi-room dvr service for two years, all with a two-year agreement. and switching has never been easier. get out of your contract with up to a $500 credit to help cover your early termination fee. go to fiosgigabit.com thanks to john rith go. we did run out of time for him. night line is next, but this is her album called turn up the quiet. diana krall. ♪ ♪ l is for the way you look at me ♪ ♪ o is for the only one i see ♪ v is very, very extraordinary ♪ ♪ e is even more than anyone that you adore and love ♪ ♪ is all that i can give to you ♪ ♪ love is more than just a game for two ♪ ♪ two in love can taugs r take my heart and please don't break it ♪ ♪ love was made for me and you ♪ ♪ ♪ l is for the way you look at me ♪ ♪ o is for the only one i see ♪ v is very, very extraordinary ♪ ♪ e is even more than anyone that you adore and ♪ ♪ love is all that i can give to you ♪ ♪ love is more than just a game for two ♪ ♪ two in love can make you take my heart ♪ ♪ please don't break it ♪ love was made if are me and ♪ love was made for me and love was made for me and you ♪ ♪ >> this is night line. tonight, swift on the stand. ♪ i knew you were trouble when you walked in ♪ >> the singer defiant in court in a multimillion-dollar lawsuit, facing down the man who she said the assault was intentional. >> she was very direct in her language and her delivery. she wanted to paint a picture that said listen, this is not okay. >> plus, marvelous. inside the new marvel university live action stunt show. it's a new service using stilt walkers and different tracking devices to bring your favorite super heros to life. we go behind the

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