Transcripts For WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170314 : comparemel

Transcripts For WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170314

For years, fios has been promising fast internet to small businesses. But for many businesses, its out of reach. Why promise something you cant deliver . Comcast business is different. We deliver superfast internet with speeds of 150 megabits per second across our entire network, to more companies, in more locations, than fios. We do business where you do business. vo have to happen . Idnt i didnt see it. vo what if we could go back . What if our car. Could stop itself . In iihs frontend crash prevention testing, nobody beats the subaru impreza. Not toyota. Not honda. Not ford. The allnew subaru impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. Number one in the nation and ncaa over all seed sits and waits, the cats got a pretty good send off this afternoon on campus and will play thursday night against the winner of the new Orleans Mount st. Marys game and cats arrived in chilly buffalo earlier this evening and the number one seed and reigning champs brings a lot of pressure. Its always a reminder that everybody expects you to do out again but that is part of the challenge, you know, when people say its hard to repeat that is part of why its hard to repeat is because you have to deal with those expectations all the time, that constant reminders of last year. Temple Womens Basketball team is back in ncaa tournament and 7th seed will face oregon in duram North Carolina and the seed is going to los angeles as 12 seat and face texas a m and phillies in the great fruit play and solo homer and the fourth and the phillies losing 64 opening day three weeks away from today. Thank you ducis and Jimmy Kimmel Live next on channel six and jimmy kimmel next on channel six followed by night line and jimmys guest is nick vile and fiancee and money music mash up from okay go and the gogos action news continues a half hour early at 4 00 a. M. With pat edwards and tamala edwards, karen rogers, dave murphy. Im jim gardner and lets go live, good night. Announcer action news brought by barbara on the boulevard where they do Dodge Chrysler Jeep and ram. From this is us, Milo Ventimiglia. And its mashup monday with music from the ok gogos. And now, with all due respect, heres jimmy kimmel [ cheers a jimmy very nice. Welcome. Hello, im jimmy the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. Thanks. Very nice of you tonight. Im going to admit, i needed that. I did, i needed that tonight. This has been a difficult day for a lot of people. This is a day on which we all, with the exception of those living in hawaii and arizona, suffer bigly. It is the monday after daylight saving. Not the good daylight saving, the bad one. I absolutely hate it. What i do, the way i try to deal with it is i try not to think of it as losing an hourive sleep, i think of it as losing an hour of my life. Its kind of nuts how moving the clock ahead one hour can ruin my whole month. My wife and i spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out what time to put our daughter down for a nap yesterday. Okay, so she got up at 6 30, when she was actually, 7 30, so anyway wear skipped the nap. [ laughter ] then you have to change the clocks which as nightmare. Why is it the time on my phone adjusts automatically . No effort at all. But the alarm clock next to my bed, i needed an instruction manual and an allen wrench. [ laughter ] guillermo, why is that . Guillermo its a crazy world. Jimmy it really is. That sums it up. Mile we may have lost an hour of sleep we gained three hours of the bachelor tonight. Tonight was the Season Finale. The turned out to be the most shocking Season Finale yet. Vanessa grimaldi, will you marry me . No are you crazy . Jimmy thats not what happened. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] just once, wouldnt that be something. Nick and vanessa, vanessa said yes, she will become Vanessa Viall which sounds like a character from the suicide squad movie. Rick chose vanessa over raven from arkansas. It was not to raven in the end. Raven was a real dark horse. I didnt have her in my top four and i had three of the four right. Once again at the very start of the season i correctly picked which woman nick would choose. Ive been right so many times i dont even have to watch the show anymore, i just know. I picked four of the last five winners of the bachelor, four of the five winners on the bachelorette. Its like i have a time machine powered by rose. Thats why they call me rostradamus, ladies and gentlemen. It might be the worlds most useless super power but i have it. Nick as you know was on the show bachelor in paradise, runnerup twice on the bachelorette. Now he was the bachelor. If this doesnt work out, were taking him to the vet and having him neutered. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the happy couple is here with us tonight. Nick and vanessa, along with milo vent meeting yeah from the show this is us. The stars of the two most emotional shows on television tonight. Prepare to weep and be wept. First our panel of Experts Joining us now. Celebrity bachelor super pants from scandal, and from the last man on earth, january jones. Ladies and gentlemen, wow. Thank you for joining us on this historic night. Ill start with january. First of all, do you think nick made the right pick . I do. Yeah. I had her picked very early on too, jimmy. Jimmy you did, very good. She was a keeper. She is a keeper. I hope. Jimmy josh and katie, you watched the finale together as he decorated your place. Of course. Jimmy were any tears shed tonight . I have roses on my shirt. Oh, i bawled my eyes out. Jimmy and then we both cried. Then we did the bachelor thing of picking them out of your eyes like boogers. Jimmy josh, you really cried . I nick viall cried. Jimmy okay, i got it. His glasses fogged up. Jimmy you did the thing, we can hear you crying but we see no actual evidence of it. Right, exactly. I do that in my work on scandal too. Jimmy gotcha. January, in your opinion, lets go back a few episodes here. How old is too old to have a nanny . Well, if your parents are paying for it, i dont think you can be too old. Jimmy oh, really. I mean jimmy you are pronanny. Well, yeah. Someones been willing to take care i wish i had one. Cheers to that. Agreed. Jimmy i did not anticipate wed have such a nanny uprising here. According to jewish tradition, its 13 for a boy and 12 for a girl. Jimmy i see. Do you think nick and vanessa will make it for the longterm based on what youve seen over the course of this courtship . And theyre there . Jimmy theyre in the back, yeah. Theyre not actually right here theyre watching us right now . Jimmy yeah. Were going to put our bets on five to 11 months. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, wow. Thats generous. Thats a pretty good run for the bachelor. Jimmy do you feel that pessimistic, january . Do you think they will make it for the length . My title is professor of love, right . Jimmy yes. On the screen, okay, food. So im going to say theyre going to make it till death to they part. Im a romantic. Jimmy and january and a professor. Jimmy what do you think is next for raven . Will she die alone . [ laughter ] no. No, no. She cant die alone, she has that orgasm montage, someones going to scoop her up. Jimmy thats true. Die alone, you mean bachelor in paradise, thats true. Shes going to be on bachelor in paradise and she has a lot more orgasms in the her future. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. January, i know youre single, would you ever consider being the bachelorette . Do it, do it, do it, do it 100 . Jimmy what did you say . You would . Oh my gosh. Sure. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow, that would be thank you all very much. Ive never felt more like wolf blitzer than i do right now. Thank you very much. The theyre our experts on the bachelor. And our next bachelorette after this one. Right . Hey, you know, as another soap of the bachelor comes to a close we take pause and we reload. Abc tonight gave us a look at a new bachelor spinoff show, one that chronicles a mostly unseen part of these amazing journeys these women go on. If you missed it heres a sneak peek of the next chapter in the bachelor franchise. Youve seen the bachelor. Youve seen the bachelorette. Now prepare yourself for a whole new experience. The bachelor limo driver. All the backseat tears. Hello. Would you like to hear some music . All the drama. I know how great it could have been. Maybe he didnt get that. No, he got that, he just didnt want it. [ laughter ] and all the driving. This is hard to go back home. We dont have to go home, i could take you to chilis if you want. All on the bachelor limo driver. This chujob sucks. Jimmy congrats to him. [ cheers and applause ] one other thing, nick was torn between raven and vanessa, right, up until the last minute. Said he made the final decision the morning he proposed. Which is just its crazy. So when he finally decides, how does that work . Vanessa, i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you ever since the last commercial break . [ laughter ] it seemed like nick could go either way. This is his last date with raven and Pay Attention because its very complex. I just want you to know that if i get down to one name, like ive never had that reservation. And its because of your sincerity and your words of how you said things that more than anyone in my life ive never felt it as much in the moment as ive ever felt with you. Jimmy okay, were going to need the chalkboard to figure this out. Bring in the chalkboard. That was more confusing than game of thrones. What we have here is the quote. I just want you to know that if i get down on one knee for you it like that ive never had that reservation and its because of your sincerity and your words of how you said things that more than anyone in my life ive never felt it as much in the moment than ive ever felt it with you. [ cheers and applause ] i think were going to have to get nick to translate this for us when he comes. Fortunately hes here. We have to take a break. When we come back, we have more of the bachelor and the latest on another crazy reality show, the one going on at the white house right now. Stick around, well be right back [ cheers and applause ] and now, i help people find discounts, like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . 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At olive garden. When you hit 300,000 miles. Or here, when you walked away without a scratch. Maybe it was the day your baby came home. Or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. Every subaru is built to earn your trust. Because we know what youre trusting us with. Subaru. Kelley blue books most trusted brand. And best overall brand. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Hi hey ill take one of those new fast play games. Oh, you ready for a rush . Uh, sure im pretty excited for you right now. Fast play is the new way to play fast and win instantly from the pennsylvania lottery. Pick a game, get your ticket and see if youve won. I won fast play, please fast play. Play fast. Win instantly. Jimmy hi, there. Welcome back. Nick and vanessa from the bachelor are waiting. Milo ventimiglia is waiting. And mashup music monday from the ok gogos. First some college basketball. The brackets for the ncaa tournament are set. The number one seeds are villanova, North Carolina, kansas, and sunflower this year. Oh no, wait. Gonzaga is the number one. Gonzaga got top seed and fans from wherever the hell gonzaga is, very excited about that. I fill out a bracket every year. My method is, this has not worked very well, i picked teams that were good in 19 up in. That really is my style. By the way, donald trump is continuing what has become a president ial tradition. Obama did this every year. Today donald trump unveiled his bracket picks. I love iowa. I love south carolina. I love nevada. I love florida. I love georgia. I do love virginia. I love ohio. I love Trump University jimmy go fighting pull pmpp the president specifically said he does not plan to fill out a bracket. Instead hes going to wait until the tournament is over and then have Kellyanne Conway tell everyone he had them right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this might an problem for donald trump. This is a problem for donald trump. The Congressional Budget Office today, the cbo, released their analysis of this newly proposed Health Care Plan and it was not good. The cbo said that under the new plan, 14 million americans who have Health Insurance under obamacare wont have it by 2018, by next year. 14 million is a lot. That is more people than watched his last season of the celebrity apprentice. So the cbo also said that by 2026, the number of uninsured americans would climb an additional 24 million. So of course trumps team is now attacking the cbo, which is a Nonpartisan Group run by a republican. Its also funny, someones job right now is explaining to donald trump that cbo isnt the goldcolored robot from star wars. Almost everyone has a problem with this bill. Its the least popular bill since cosby. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in a way he finally has brought us together. Also remember the weekend before last when trump tweeted that president Obama Wiretapped him . Today was the deadline the House Intelligence Committee gave the department of justice to share evidence of this. Needless to say evidence did not come which meant white house stress Secretary Sean Spicer had to go into hyperspin mode. Today he said when trump claimed obama was wiretapping him he didnt really mean he was wiretapping him. For real, thats what he said. Trump used the word wiretap in quotes to mean surveillance and other activity. Sean spicer backpedals so fast the cowboys just signed him to play free safety. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy terrible, just found out that obama had my wires tapped in trump tower just before the victory, nothing found, this is mccarthyism. Another one, how low has president obama gone to tap my phones during the very sacred election process, this is nixon watergate, bad or sick guy. He said obama is either bad or a sick guy. Maybe he means them as compliments. Hes bad, a bad guy, this is sick if obama is sick, hes definitely not getting Health Insurance, because thats gone. [ laughter ] meanwhile, Kellyanne Conway, who yesterday Kellyanne Conway added her part to the wiretap dancing. She went on the sunday morning talk shows to defend the president. She wasnt just spinning, she was pirouetting, pivoting, i think she did a triple axle at one point. She got a perfect score from the russian judge. Do you know whether trump tower was wiretapped . What i can say is theres many ways to surveil each other now, unfortunately. Do you believe that was there was an article this week that talked about how you can surveil someone through their phones, through their certainly through their television sets, any number of different ways. Microwaves that turn into cameras, et cetera. So we know that that is just a fact. Jimmy microwaves that turn yeah, you can buy those at Sharper Image in the catalog. If obama did put a camera in a microwave all hed find out is that donald trump doesnt know how to work a microwave. If our microwaves were watching us . This is about all they would see. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy did you close the door . Guillermo i forgot. Jimmy its customary to close the door when youre finished with the microwave. Tonight isnt just bachelor monday, its also mashup monday on which we jam two bands together to form one musical masterpiece. Tonight we put the gogos and ok go into a vitamix and blended them, the result music from the ok gogos. Which is going to be great. [ cheers and applause ] speaking of. This reminds me. Ive been noticing. Bachelor nick says okay a lot. In an interesting way. Its very noncommittal. He allows the women to kind of expound this might have been my favorite thing about this season. Heres bachelor nick and the way he says okay. Corinne. Okay. Is 24. Okay. And has a nanny. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I know what her vagina looks like. Oh, wow, okay. Jimmy very agreeable. [ cheers and applause ] we have a good show tonight the ok gogos are here. From this is us, Milo Ventimiglia is here and well be right back with nick and vanessa from the bachelor. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by guinness. Visit airbnb. Com guinness this week for a chance to stay overnight at the Guinness Storehouse in dublin. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. This clean was like pow everything well . My teeth are glowing. They are so white. Step 1 cleans. Step 2 whitens. Crest [hd]. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening a i would switch to crest [hd] over what i was using before. Head right to theentic nearest subway. Introducing the italian hero footlong. Stacked with genoa salami, mortadella, and spicy capicola. Add oil and vinegar and some mediterranean oregano. There you have it. Its ou

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