>> shut up. >> jimmy: i gave you the money. where's my oscar? >> in the bag. >> is that you? >> jimmy: this is not the oscar i wanted! >> matt damon said to say hi. let's go! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live," after the academy awards. tonight -- oprah winfrey. with appearances from george clooney, tom hanks, martin score 64 salessy, meryl streep, and many more in "movie: the movie." plus music from coldplay. with cleto and the cletones. and now, lights, camera, action -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: well, hello there, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for staying up late on sunday. as you know, the 84th annual academy awards just wrapped up right across the street from us. "the artist" won best motion picture. pretty good for a movie that's black and white and silent. just the way kim kardashian likes her men. [ laughter ] octavia spencer won for the movie "the help." i think that was one of only a few nominated films this the year that were a hit with critics and at the box office. "the help" was so popular, arnold schwarzenegger tried to get it pregnant. [ [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: thank you. jean dujardin wos best actor in a leading role. the guy finally talks, he says the f-word. meryl streep won best actress. [ cheers and applause ] nothing against -- personally, i think viola davis was robbed. literally. lindsay lohan stole her harry winston necklace. on the way out of the show. "transformers: dark of the moon" was nominated for an oscar tonight, which i was happy to see. for so long this academy has recognized only good movies. it's about time they showed inclusiveness. i thought billy crystal did a nice job hosting tonight. [ cheers and applause ] originally, eddie murphy was supposed to be the host of the show until someone in the academy remembered he was in "norbit" and then -- [ laughter ] fashion, as always, was a big topic tonight. oscar night is the magical night on on which we all sit around in our sweat pants and criticize the way famous women are dressed. the e! network today had seven hours of pre-oscar countdown. they had a lot of time to fill before the show. the actors don't start arriving an hour before the show starts. but the coverage starts at 10:30 in the morning. they have to make do with things like that. >> ah, we're just so excited to be here on the red carpet and oh my gosh -- look! there's a monkey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she acts like she's never seen a monkey get out of a limo before. what was going on in that monkey's pants? can we slow that down and play just the end part again. yeah, there. he's carrying a banana? [ laughter ] is that a monkey or a war horse? [ applause ] a number of actors tonight, like jonah hill brought their moms as dates. which i don't get that. why is it when your an adult taking your mom to the oscars is cool, but when you're in high school taking your cousin to the prom gets you the nickname "cuzzing kissing jimmy" for the rest of your life? [ laughter ] i'm happy for the oscar winners tonight but i'm happy for myself tonight. because i'm about to receive the highest honor a talk show host can receive. my guest tonight is oprah. [ cheers and applause ] just so we're clear, none of you are getting cars. you don't get a car. you don't get a car. you -- none of us -- in fact, if you came in a car, right now it's being towed. [ laughter ] and i know you are probably asking, if oprah is here tonight, on the show, who is answering our prayers? well -- [ laughter ] don't worry. her friend gayle is filling in. [ laughter ] we have every star in the universe coming up. something you definitely want to see. before we forge ahead we have a tradition here on the show. another week has come to the close and it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it's a special sunday edition of "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> i am so excited for the oscars. it's just like, i am literally [ bleep ]ing. >> it doesn't matter how big your [ bleep ] is are you have to pay for your drinks. >> i think it's so amazing to have so many people [ bleep ] him like this. mother's dream. >> new television ad that labels him a [ bleep ]. why? >> because he's a [ bleep ]. >> make you believe in love. ice loves [ bleep ] returns, sunday at 10:30. >> these late dips are all going to take their rare-ality. >> i know what i have to do to beat you. i have to [ bleep ] you. and deep down inside, it's really what you want, isn't it? >> i'm going to [ bleep ] two people tonight. >> oh! >> i love that movie a lot. when i saw it, came out of "the help," i wanted to [ bleep ] the first blam woman i saw. >> i was thinking as i was on the floor [ bleep ]ing someone -- >> i'm going to spend the tire day on saturday and sunday morning, i'm going to [ bleep ] five or six [ bleep ] in a row. that's become my oscar tradition. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: same here. we have a great show for you tonight. stay till the end. we'll be right back with every big star in hollywood with the world premiere of "movie: the movie" so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. verizon. (mic thuds) uh, sorry. it's unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. (thud) uh... sorry, last thing. it's just $45 per line. forty. five. (cheering and applause) and that is all the microphones that i have. 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[ cheers and applause ] guillermo -- i need you to be hon high alert tonight. god forbid anything happens to oprah, we're done. you understand? >> don't worry, jimmy. i'm going to make you very proud. >> jimmy: okay, very good. [ cheers and applause ] on a night like tonight, oscar night, we're reminded how many different genres of film there are. drama, comedy, adventure, dozens of them. you usually only get one or two genres per film. i set out to make the biggest, most star-stud ded film in history in america. tonight my cream has been realized. here it is, our gift to you, the world premiere trailer for the greatest film ever made, "movie, why the movie." >> every so often a film comes along with a guy, a girl, a werewolf. and an ancient scroll. and a wedding. between the world's most dangerous secret agent and the president of the united states. >> you complete me. >> we complete each other. and we complete america. >> with a no nonsense rookie cop. >> i'm not going to make it! >> and a dog who plays sports. >> it's go time! >> because sometimes the impossible don't happen. >> andy, you're my only friend. i wish you were alive. >> but miracles do. >> i am alive, michael! >> until you realize that everything you believe -- >> but soon -- >> is a lie. >> you won't be! arrggh! >> starring academy award winner charlize theron. >> enough! you are out of order! >> academy award winner tom hanks. >> i'm out of order? you're out of order! >> bryan cranston. >> wingers here! >> court is adjourned, ha ha ha! >> jeff goldblum. >> got the test results back. >> gary old man. >> and? >> i'm so sorry, senator. you're a centaur. >> nooooo! >> look. >> cameron diaz. >> you're the last person i ever thought i'd fall in love with. >> because sometimes you find love where you least expect it. on a boat. that's on top of a plane. a soul plane. >> we're about to give the word "fly" a whole new meaning. >> with snakes on it. >> no way. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> from visionary directors j.j. abrams and martin scorsese. >> action! >> action! >> i love you with all my heart. >> and i you. but on this, our wedding day, i find it important to tell you -- >> yes, my darling? >> i'm blind. >> what? >> produced by michael bay. >> ruuuun! >> really? >> it's the tale of a small-town family with big-city dreams. >> so beautiful. >> and a baby -- >> i am beautiful. >> who talks. >> sorry. and its pee makes you younger. >> i can't go to work as a baby! >> daniel day lewis as you've never seen him before. as tyler perry. as george washington. based on the true story of a down and out texas football team. pushed to the brink by a millionaire oil tycoon. >> i don't care how much team spirit you got, ima shut this program down, hee hee hee! >> case closed. >> starring kate beckinsale. >> now get out! >> chewbacca. danny devito. don cheadle. academy award winner meryl streep. in a moustache. academy award winner helen mirren. in a hovercraft. >> get off my hovercraft! ♪ i need a hero ♪ i'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night ♪ >> academy award winner kristof walts. >> no one puts baby in the corner. >> academy award winner matt damon. >> because there's a star out there at the end of the rainbow, a big old shooting star -- >> who we're going to cut out of the movie. >> are you [ bleep ] kidding me? i will [ bleep ] kill you, kimmel! how do you like them grapes? >> and academy award winner george clooney as a brilliant disabled nasa scientist. >> yeah? that's our boy. a meteor hurtling towards earth? who's that riding on it? >> with gabourey sidibe as -- >> black hitler! >> i'm black! ha ha ha! >> i'm on it. i'm on it! argh! no! no! not now! aah! >> this thanksgiving, and christmas, and summer 2012, a romantically comic political action thriller drama based on the novel "push" by sapphire. >> i'll do it, i'll do it! >> once you go black hitler you never go back hitler! >> from the people who brought you the terminator, the hunt for red october, dora the explorer, and the rooty tooty fresh and fruity breakfast -- >> aah! help, help! hey! hey! the button! >> what? >> get the button! >> what? >> the button! ♪ ♪ when the eyes of a child ♪ ♪ the meteor of freedom ♪ you can beat that meteor oh freedom ♪ >> "movie: the movie." [ cheers and applause ] >> i can't believe i fell for that. god, i'm such a [ bleep ]. see you later. [ bleep ] kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> this film is not yet filmed. >> jimmy: be right back with oprah winfrey! modern life deserves a modern way to pay. oh jane, you're getting a ticket i'm going to get you out of this chair. breton. you can use it online and on your phone. nope. it's been masterpassed. winning the little victories, priceless masterpass, the secure way to pay from your bank don't just buy it, masterpass it. the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. you naughty little... (spank) did you just spank your lunch? yeah. (spank) devour. food you want to fork. that has more ski mountains to choose from than any other in the country. ♪ and that's not the only thing you can only find in new york state. you can find it all, only in new york. new york. it's all here. it's only here. plan your winter getaway at iloveny.com >> jimmy: well, hello there and welcome back to the show. it's time -- are you guys ready? [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to need a minute, if you don't mind. what can be said about our guest tonight that hasn't been said in the holy books in all the religions in all the world. she as legendary broadcaster, oscar-nominated actress, and tonight a academy-award win g w actress. she owns her own television network which happens to be called own. please welcome, before she changes her mind and leaves, the great and powerful oprah winfrey. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] i just want to make sure. she doesn't have anything to give you. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, thank you. thank you. thank you. you have a great audience. >> jimmy: are you the -- are you the real oprah or one of oprah's helpers? i just want to make sure. >> that's what people say on twitter all the time. like there would be somebody else tweeting for you. >> jimmy: people think that celebrities hire -- i can tell your tweets are your tweets. >> you can tell. >> jimmy: i can. >> you can tell with me today tweeting you, couldn't you? >> jimmy: i have to say, i was very flattered and a little bit embarrassed by you. oprah called me adorable on twitter, which was -- >> mr. adorable. >> jimmy: i don't know if you can bronze twitter, but i'm planning to do that if it's possible. >> you've been so good. >> jimmy: listen, nobody is better than you. congratulations, you won the gene herschel humanitarian award. [ cheers and applause ] i won that a couple of years ago and i love it, i recommend it highly. >> did you feel -- did you feel esteemed in that moment? >> jimmy: no, i didn't feel it. i felt a little steamed but not esteemed. is this something that you beat someone out for? or did they just give to it you? >> i think you just get it. i think if you do a lot of good stuff, people just -- they come and they give it to you. >> jimmy: you do do a lot of good stuff. [ cheers and applause ] what was the first year that you came to the academy awards? >> i was there for "the color purple" back in 1986. [ cheers and applause ] some of you were not born. clearly back in the day. but i remember -- it was just -- first of all, i was discovered by quincy jones, really, just discovered by quincy jones who was coming through chicago and saw me on tv through chicago, and said, i think this girl maybe can act. and so i had to audition and go through the whole process. when i went to the oscars, it was one of the most horrible nights of my life. >> jimmy: it was? really? why? >> yes, yes. i was thinking about that tonight. because i had used dolly parton's dressmaker. >> jimmy: what? >> and everybody should know this. if you are going to have a gown made, now it's a whole big to do what people are going to wear. back then, it wasn't. i used her dressmaker and he came over to do some fitting earlier in the day, said i needed to take it back. when he brought it back, i didn't try it on. when i went to put it on, half an hour before going to the oscars, it didn't fit. i couldn't get it up over my hips. my hairdresser, who is still with me, by the way, andre, had to lay me on the floor and push my butt down. so i rode to the oscars, really, no exaggeration, planked in the back of a limousine. >> jimmy: you invented planking. that's unbelievable. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> so, when i got out, everybody had gone in, there was no more red carpet. i was sitting there. i couldn't sit in the chair. i was like this. >> jimmy: like the actual oscar. >> yes. and i had this really heavy beaded collar. so, when i sat back, the collar choked me. i sat the whole night holding on to the collar like this. >> jimmy: we almost lost you that night. >> yes, you almost did. and i was praying for someone else to win. >> jimmy: you were? >> yes, i knew i couldn't get out of the chair. >> jimmy: god knew what was good for him and he listened. >> that's right. that's right. >> jimmy: now, have you vowed to destroy dolly parton for this? >> no, no. >> jimmy: will you buy dollywood and burn it down? >> the lesson is, try on something before, even though somebody says it's perfect. that was a lesson. >> jimmy: and don't use dolly's guy anymore. >> don't use dolly's guy. >> jimmy: okay, so now you're fitting in this dress quite beautifully, i have to say. >> yes, i tried it on before. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you talk about auditioning for that role. that to me is kind of mind boggling. i can't imagine you auditioning for anything. >> i had never, ever acted before. >> jimmy: how did you -- did steven spielberg -- i imagine spielberg calling you and begging you to be in the movie. >> no, no, no. quincy jones had discovered me and i had to go through this whole audition process and there were months before i knew i was going to be in it. i got called to steven spielberg's office. and i was so excited. i thought that maybe something was going on because the character that i was, you know, acting with, his name was harpo, which was my name spelled backwards. i think that's a sign. he and i were called to spielberg's office on the same day and i ended up knocking over all of his things. >> jimmy: you trashed his office? >> i jumped on the couch. >> jimmy: before your guests started jumping on the couch, you started jumping on the couch? >> i guess i did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and after that, did you get -- after "the color purple" did you get movies, saying they want you to play batman and that kind of thing? >> no. that did not happen. i got all the -- i got all the, what i call the -- ♪ nobody knows the trouble i've seen ♪ offers. >> jimmy: i see. >> yes. and, you know. up until -- you know, i had my standards. there were certain things that i would not do. i held that standard until i came to work with you on this show. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we spoiled you. >> before working with you i had standards. i had -- i had a moral compass. i had values. >> jimmy: i feel like in a way, more so than you elevating us, we brought you down. >> i would say. i kind of stepped all the way out of my box with you guys. >> jimmy: is that something you want to do now, acting, now that you have a little bit more free time than you did -- >> well, i think it's something that i will pursue in the future, yes. >> jimmy: you will? [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. >> jimmy: will you take orders from the director? will you be -- >> oh, i'd love to. i think for myself, because i have a really, really full life and i'm not kidding when i say this, but actually acting is the time where i feel the freest. i feel like i get to let go of myself, take on another character, and it really does feel like a vacation for me. >> jimmy: you should do more acting. is there anyone in particular that you would like to work with? >> you. >> jimmy: well, sure, i would -- [ cheers and applause ] >> you. i had fun working with you. that was so fun. >> jimmy: people are going to get a kick -- >> i went home jazzed the other day. that's why i was tweeting you all night. >> jimmy: we're going to show that next. you tweeted something i wanted to bring up. you tweeted, "now headed to the dmv to renew driver's license then off to africa." >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you didn't drive to africa, did you? >> that's funny. >> jimmy: i can't believe you have to go to the dmv. >> yes, it was my birthday, just before my birthday. and i had to renew my driver's license. i went down there -- >> jimmy: what do they say when you walk into the dmv? >> hey, oprah! hey! [ applause ] >> jimmy: you have to wait in line? >> it wasn't a long line. they knew i was coming. >> jimmy: i hope not. >> it wasn't a long line. i asked for better lighting for my photo. but other than that. >> jimmy: did andre come along? >> no, no. but i do take a very good photo. driver's license photo. >> jimmy: i also wanted to ask you about this. i too, i remember when you were telling people not to tweet and drive. >> yes. >> jimmy: and that -- it bothers me, too. i see it all the time. what i do is, i roll down the window and i scream "oprah's going to kill you if she finds out about this." do you confront people when you see them? >> yes, i do. just today i did. >> jimmy: really? >> on the way to the oscars, a guy was. i rolled down my window, i go, "what are you doing?" and then he did that. and dropped it. and i thought, i better stop doing that. now somebody is going to have an accident and blame me. >> jimmy: causing car accidents. we're going to take a quick break here if that's okay. >> that's okay. it's your show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we are going to see oprah as we've never seen oprah before. more with oprah winfrey when we come back. (vo) what if this didn't have to happen? i didn't see it. 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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at that, oprah playing indiana jones. you really must -- i mean, he shouldn't have -- you're a national treasure, he should not have allowed you to walk over burning coals. >> he coaches you for like nine hours. you're so like -- you are revved, you are ready! >> jimmy: do you think it makes a difference? you're mentally ready? your feet are still the ones touching the -- >> that's the point, it's about your state. >> jimmy: i see. >> it's about your state. i'm having a good time. >> jimmy: i feel my feet would be roasted completely. >> they probably would if that's what you're thinking about. >> jimmy: what's the most challenging thing about running a whole television network, starting it from scratch, putting it on? >> i'm building a network and that is a fascinating experience. but the biggest problem as you might imagine is coming up with ideas that you think are going to resonate with the audience, that the audience is going to like. >> jimmy: that's what i thought. and that's yes thought i could help. i was being helpful to you. >> yeah, i know. you thought that. >> jimmy: but i feel as if -- i feel like i wasn't heard. >> no, it's not that you weren't heard, you were just so far off-brand. >> jimmy: that's the thing. i don't understand. you've got a new network. who knows what the brand is? maybe i'm bringing a whole new brand into own. >> well, i just didn't think that what you had to present was really what i was looking for. >> jimmy: luckily there was a camera crew there, cameras follow you at all times. >> yeah. yes. >> jimmy: it's on videotape. i thought maybe we could let the audience decide whether or not i was on brand for own. >> okay. >> jimmy: take a look. >> jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: you startled me. >> hi. >> jimmy: how are you? nice to meet you. >> so nice to meet you, too. i'm looking forward to hearing your ideas. >> jimmy: yeah. >> have a seat. >> jimmy: okay, thank you. ah. so, should i just start right in? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay. um -- so, your network, the oprah winfrey network, aka own. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have some show ideas for you that i think you're going to like. >> great. >>jimmy: do you remember when you gave away your favorite things? >> yeah. >> jimmy: those were your favorite things, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: now you don't have them anymore, because you gave them away. on this show, you take them back. [ laughter ] remember how everyone jumped up and down and screamed when you gave them that stuff? imagine how much they'll cry when you take it back. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ >> i get a car. i get a car! ♪ who let the dogs out ♪ who let the dogs out >> that's stealing. >> jimmy: it's not stealing. they're oprah's favorite things. you're oprah. you're just taking your things back. you know? >> those are bath beads. >> jimmy: okay. so, that's a no? >> what else you have? >> jimmy: celebrity interviews. you've done those, right? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: you and i would interview people together. it's called "the jimmy and oprah interview." >> "jimmy and oprah interview"? >> jimmy: we could tinker with the title but here's what i'm thinking. ♪ >> welcome back to the "oprah and jimmy show." >> welcome back to the jimmy and oprah show. >> we're here with jennifer aniston. >> are you interested in things that are german? >> uh -- yes. it's difficult. it can be difficult. yes, the movie is called "wanderlust." i forgot -- >> jimmy: have you ever been in a movie -- >> how do you see yourself in the mix -- >> no. >> jimmy: did you keep in touch with friends -- >> does it bother you when people -- >> i have no idea what's happening. >> jimmy: when we come back -- >> when we come back. >> jimmy: jennifer opens up about her hair -- >> about her spirit -- >> jimmy: how sweaty she get in the gym. >> and we'll hear her new puppy, gary. >> her name is not gary. >> i think two hosts asking questions at the same time, that might be too confusing. >> jimmy: well, on "the view" they have like eight people asking questions at once. that works. >> let's come back to that one. >> jimmy: okay. this is for the woman that wants more romance in her life. women want that, right? >> oh, they do. >> jimmy: imagine the most romantic place possible. the bathroom. this show is called "oprah after dark." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hello, "o." >> hm. [ screaming ] >> let's move on. >> jimmy: really? i'm just saying -- sex sells. and i happen to have a little something they call "it." so -- [ laughter ] >> ms. win 48, i have the dalai lama on line 3? >> tell him i'm call him back. >> jimmy: you can take that. i can wait. >> he's not really on the phone. she just does that when she knows i want to wrap things up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. >> anything else? >> jimmy: all right. your book club. that was great, right? that was a big success. but let's be honest. reading is like the most boring thing in the world. so -- this show takes your book club and gives it a twist. >> salient point but have you thought about this? which character had the most to lose? clearly the hero of this book isn't scout or atticus, it's tom robinson. >> not boo radiall lradly? >> did you say boo? he's not a hero, peripheral character if anything. >> i beg to differ. >> oh, yeah? when's the last time you actually read this book, oprah? >> no, you didn't. >> do you actually read them? or just have people in your club read them? >> you're asking something if i read "to kill a mockingbird"? >> yes, exactly. aah! >> hey, that's my husband! >> arrgh! >> book club fight club! ♪ ♪ >> boo radly! >> jimmy: you're pounding, you're pounding. >> thank you so much for coming, jimmy -- >> jimmy: no, no, no, i have one more idea. it's the best one yet, okay? can i just -- one more, please? >> this better be good. >> jimmy: okay. doctors. you love them, right? dr. oz, dr. phil. they are both great. but let's be honest, neither one of them is a real doctor. >> actually, they're both -- >> jimmy: so, get ready for an appointment with the best doctor yet. >> hey, ladies, i'm dr. vajayjay. open wide! wayne wayne! >> no! >> jimmy: wait. there's one more part. ♪ doctor doctor give me the news ♪ ♪ i got a bad case of loving you ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> you're insane. >> jimmy: two and a half steadmans. >> interesting. you know, i was thinking i wanted to pitch an idea to you. >> jimmy: i'm all ears. >> it's called "bye jimmy." >> jimmy: "by jimmy," i like that, "by jimmy." >> no, not by jimmy. it's bye, jimmy. >> jimmy: i'm not following. >> as in -- >> ms. win free? >> don't worry, he's gone. >> jimmy: thank you so much, oprah. oprah winfrey. thank you so much. >> mwah! >> jimmy: watch the own network, it's in repeats. we'll be right back. >> well mart gave one receipt to award-winning directors and they created short unique films. see the premiere this sunday on the 89th oscars! jimmy's hosting! >> i'm curious to see what they're making. >> mine's going to be the best. >> this is a competition, right? >> yeah. >> we win a walmart, right? >> walmart reached out to four award-winning directors, gave them a receipt, and said, tell a story. >> you've given a receipt with six items. >> the receipt becomes the clue. >> we wanted to embrace the randomness instead of fight against it. >> i'm curious to see what they're making. >> mine's going to be the best. >> i assume we'll look at theirs. >> this is a competition, right? >> yeah, we win a walmart, right? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. w2s, or you could push that button. 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