Transcripts For WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live 20170119 : comparemel

This is a big week for our country. Were about 36 hours away from history when donald trump will become president of the United States, unless someone from the future shows up to stop it from happening before it does. [ laughter ] president obama had his final press conference today. Maybe the final press conference today. [ laughter ] and then on friday well turn our attention to the bigley anticipated inauguration. Donald jennifer trump. Thats right. [ laughter ] did you know thats the middle name . Jennifer. Its exciting. Were two days away stated repeatedly that they want to avoid a circuslike atmosphere at the inauguration. Theyre saving that for the actual presidency itself. [ laughter ] but they are planning the event. Trump says he wrote his own inauguration speech. I guess people are having a hard time believing that, because today he tweeted a picture of himself writing or pretending to be writing in front of what appears to be vasco de gamas tomb. Writing my inaugural address at the winter white house, maralago. Winter white house is his code for saying, im never going to washington, d. C. I will be in florida all the time. This picture is an excellent hes miserable. Hes not leaning on anything while hes writing. It looks like he sent mike pence out to duane reid to buy him a notep notepad. I imagine the only words on that pad are ladies and gentlemen, please welcome three doors down, and thats it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is going to be im looking forward to it. This is going to be some speech. Trump, he doesnt usually write his own speeches. Typically either he improvises, wings it, or his Senior Policy Adviser writes the speeches for him. But he is a good you know, he writes all his own tweets, so he can write. [ laughter ] meanwhile, deep trump is raking in the cash. Theyve already raised more than 100 million for this inauguration. Which is a record. By comparison, obama only raised 53 million for his. And theyre doing it in an interesting way. The inaugural committee is basically selling meet and greets. If you dont nate between 150,000 and 250,000, you can have dinner with the members of trumps cabinet. 500,000 to 1 million, you get dinner with the vice president. For a donation of 5 million or more, donald trump will let you run the country for a day. [ laughter ] the day of your choice. It could be your birthday [ cheers and applause ] if you dont have 100,000 to spend, theyre also selling merchandise. This is really on the website. Only 25, you can own this handsome pair of official inauguration pint glasses. If youre a can kind of guy trump has you covered. A sixpack of 45s president beer cozies. For 20, you could be the owner of four red plastic inaugural cups. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] 5 a cup. Lets see how much you can buy cups like that for on amazon. Yeah. On amazon you can get 150 of them for 10. 44. See, he really does know how to negotiate. So that is going to be a party. The white house isnt the only institution thats getting ready for donald trump to move in. Madame Tussauds Wax Museum has a donald too. They unveiled him this morning on the today show. Without further ado, here is your first look at the new wax figure of president elect donald trump. Jimmy what a right and pleasant likeness. I bet thats exactly what he looks like when he watches saturday night live. Why did they make him look like something youd post in a field to chase varmints away . For comparison, this is president obamas wax figure. A smiling, handsome. Here he is with the first lady. You know, the american flag. This is the wax figure they made of melania trump. Oh, no, wait. Thats the real melania trump. [ laughter ] they havent done hers. I get confused sometimes. The hearings for Donald Trumps wouldbe cabinet members are on full swing, theyre on cspan. A lot of focus has been on betsy devos, a billionaire from michigan, no experience in education. Her family cofounded amway. Kids went to private school, the whole thing. The most Interesting Exchange is when she suggested some schools need to have guns in them to protect kids from grizzly bears. You cant say definitively today that guns shouldnt be in schools . Well, i will refer back to senator enzi and the school that he was talking about in wyoming. I think probably there, i would imagine that theres probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies. [ laughter ] jimmy i really wish trump would have walked in the hearing, said betty, youre fired, then left. If grizzly bears are a problem in our schools, then this betsy devos we need to get sarah palin in there, were talking about grizzly bears. Betsy devos would have made a great secretary of education in 1783 when grizzly bears were a problem. Kim jongun, the leader of north korea, has not been nominated for a cabinet position. Yet. He appears to be ill. Not kim jongil. Actually ill. He was seen yesterday limping into a shoe factory. You know, the world really has become a tv show. The kim jongun show is the one with the worst writers because limping into a shoe factory, its just too i have a theory about this illness of his. You know, hes put on weight. His ankles are swollen. He seems to be away from work a lot. I think kim jongun might be pregnant. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ill tell you something, i really truly hope Dennis Rodman does the right thing and marries him this time. [ laughter ] yesterday, i dont know if you saw this expedia yesterday released their annual list of the most annoying airline passengers. For the third time year the most annoying passenger is the seat kicker. I would have guessed hijackers. But its the person who kicks. Rounding out the top three were inattentive parents who let their kids scream and people who smell. Which i agree with all those. But the truth is the most annoying person on the flight is anyone who isnt you, right . Its everyone else. You know what i find annoying, when you have the window seat and the person in the middle seat, you dont know, decides to look out the window for a while. Then you have to look out the window too. Or pretend to be asleep or something. Put those people on the list. I would like to take a moment if i could to take you on a journey to the future. When i am done hosting the show, when im old and gray and all of that, my plan is to do endorsements on cable news channels like chuck woolry and tom selleck do. Years from now future me is going to rye to sell future you future products. Lets travel now together for an offer and a man that i think you will find very attractive. The following is a paid advertisement for precious chains. Hello, Im Television personality jimmy kimmel. If youre anything like me, your time on the computer is mostly spent forwarding hilarious chain emails to your friends and family. But what happens to an email after you send it . Some people say it goes to heaven. And while theres no way to know for certain, one thing areas for sure. All those chain emails you painstakingly forwarded are gone. Dont you wish there was a way to hold on to them forever . Well, now there is. With precious chains. Precious chains takes every chain email you forwarded over the years and binds them all in a beautiful leatherlike tome. Now you can relax at home and relive all of your beautiful chain emails of the past. Like 10 reasons moms should run the country. And the time you proved our president was a secret gay muslim. He was. Precious chains. Give yourself something to look forward to. To immortalize your precious chains call the number on your screen. Im jimmy kimmel. Ill be dead soon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have to take a break. When we come back, selfflying cars are on the way. And the roast master general himself, jeff ross, busts chops on hollywood boulevard. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Of bad breath germs its more than cash back. For a 100 fresh mouth. Feeling 100 means you feel bold enough to. Assist a magician. Or dance. Listerine®. Bring out the bold™ it helps put some distance. Between you and temptation. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. Oh the fishes will laugh as they swim out of the path when the ship comes in by the hollies and the seagulls theyll be smilin and the rocks on the sand its so peaceful out here. Yeah. Introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion® allwheel drive. Soon to be everywhere. Start your day with the number one choice of dentists. Philips sonicare removes significantly more plaque versus oralb 7000. Experience this amazing feel of clean. Innovation and you. Philips sonicare. Save now when you buy philips sonicare. Psst. Hey. Where you going . Weve got that thing you know. Diarrhea . Abdominal pain . But we said wed be there. Woap, who makes the decisions around here . Its me. Dont think ill make it. Stomach again. Send if youre living with frequent, unpredictable diarrhea and abdominal pain, you may have Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea or ibsd a condition that can be really frustrating. Talk to your doctor about viberzi. A different way to treat ibsd. Viberzi is a Prescription Medication you take every day that helps proactively manage both diarrhea and abdominal pain at the same time. So you stay ahead of your symptoms. Viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. Do not take viberzi if you have or may have had pancreas or severe liver problems, problems with alcohol abuse, longlasting or severe constipation, or a blockage of your bowel or gallbladder. If you are taking viberzi, you should not take medicines that cause constipation. The most common side effects of viberzi include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. Stay ahead of ibsd. With viberzi. Jimmy hi everybody, welcome back to the show. Bill maher, wendi mclendoncovey, and music from a. F. I. Is on the way. [ cheers and applause ] first there is something that heres something fun that might be available in the near future. Airbus, the company that makes jet planes, is working on cars that fly on their own. Airbus is planning to test a selfflying car soon, by the end of 2017. They say it will either be the worlds first selfflying car or the worlds first selfcrashing airplane. So this is it. I dont know, they say its a flying car, looks like a weird helicopter to me. I guess the idea is when traffic is bad, which here would be always, you can just turn the propellers on and fly to walmart or target or wherever youre going. Can you imagine . 30,000 cars flying out of Dodger Stadium all at once . [ laughter ] everyone would be dead. There would be no survivors. The other problem is with flying cars, you dont have an excuse to be late anymore. Especially in l. A. You cant say, i got stuck behind a hot air balloon. It just doesnt [ laughter ] if you are here in hollywood, and i know those of you in this room are, from here until from friday night until monday, jeff ross is taping his show roast battle for Comedy Central at the old house of blues. So the shows a lot of fun. Comedians get on stage and insult each other tournamentstyle. To get jeff warmed up for it we sent him with a camera crew right outside our studio. Here he is, the roast master general, jeff ross, at work. Thanks, jimmy, and good luck with those pubes on your chin. The roast battles are coming up so i wanted to get my brain in full roast mode by roasting some of your neighbors out here on the street. Who wants to get roasted . Whats the c stand for . Captain. I thought you were wearing your High School Report Card on your head. Something like that. Great to see you, man. How you doing . Here with one of the greats, johnny depp. Congratulations, i hear your divorce is official. Nearly. Youre finally divorced from bathing apparently. How are you doing . Wow, who are you supposed to be peter sleeps in a parker . Yeah. I boss wondering what happened to courtney love. Yeah. Fantastic. How is Business Today . Business is you know. Its been pretty good. My spidey senses tell me youre going to make 4 today. Oh. You told me to wake you up when you hit rock bottom no sense of humor. No shortage of material out here on hollywood boulevard, guys. Who wants to get roasted . Oh, hi. Hi. How you doing . Good, how are you . Im jeff. Alise. How are you doing . Im good. Wow. Knock knock. Whos that . Your absentee father. Surprise i know who my father is. You do . Youre like a stripper who hates money so you work here. Those shorts are shorter than the amount of time you spent in high school. How are you doing . What are you protesting . Im not protesting, im out here working. Working . Why are you dressed like a parking ticket . How do you like the street job . The owner saw me at another job and told me to come in. He goes, that guy looks like he can hold a sign and wear a dayglo shirt. Oh my god, either rick crapton. Its three day weekend. You having a good time, michael . What do you mean . Having a great time. Tell your facelift. Oh my god. Theres kids. Run run look, its zach galifaenough already. Whats going on . Hows business . [ bleep ] going on right now. Not much going on . Are you upset that your parents brad and angelina are getting divorced . Nice to meet you, maddox. You look very lovely today. Thank you. You have blacker roots than ku kuhnta kinta. Being able to take a joke is important. Its all about smiling and laughing. Especially with an outfit like that. Love you, good luck with the lipstick on your teeth, youre awesome. All right, see you at home. Crack that Coffee Coffee table if youre willing and able crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack that coffee table wow. Thanks, kanye worst. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good sew tonight. We have music from a. F. I. , wendi mclendoncovey is here. And well be right back with bill maher. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] even when you know where youre going. It Still Matters how you get there. The lexus line of luxury suvs. Giving you the power to make your own way. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longerlasting flavor . Mmm zipping zipping rattling longerlasting juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew and chew. Moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright with simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . From santander bank. Hi. Can you help me save on my energy bill . Old appliances. Like a hot water heater . Its around here somewhere. Nope. Nope. What is this thing . Sir, have you looked in the basement . Huh. Oh, yeah. No wonder. It was hidden behind all of my free weights. If youre not an expert, peco can help. We have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. Peco. The future is on. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight from the goldbergs, which is in its fourth season, wednesday nights here on abc, wendi mcclendoncovey is here. Then, this is their new album, its called a. F. I. The blood album, music from afi. You can see them live, their tour starts friday at the troubadour here in l. A. Tomorrow night Priyanka Chopra will be with us. And well have music from maren morris. And on friday a new show with anthony anderson, ruby rose, and travis scott. If youre a teenager in the United States and youd like to meet with our executive producer doug delucca, send an email to big greasy doug at gmail. Com. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. Some things happened during the commercial break. Hey, friday is a very big day for our first guest tonight. It is the season premiere of his show. Its his birthday. And its Inauguration Day for president donald trump. I would imagine hes excited about all three. Real time with bill maher returns to hbo friday night at 10 00 and you can see him live at Pope Joy Hall in albuquerque february 12th. Please welcome bill maher [ cheers and applause ] nice rendition of the theme song, very nice. We got a new one. Jimmy a new song . Its been like 13 years. Jimmy how involved are you in choosing the new song . Not at all. Jimmy not at all, yeah. But they did a hell of a job. Jimmy nice, yeah. You can borrow them. Theyre not busy on friday nights around that time. If you like a band, mine is for rent. Theres not much going on. What should we talk about . Is there anything . [ laughter ] oh, jimmy. Jimmy anything come to mind . Yeah, yeah. Im getting donald trump for my birthday. [ laughter ] i keep saying, god, why . Then i go, oh, yeah. Jimmy thats right. The last 25 years ive been making fun of you on tv. Religulous, you hated that too. Jimmy everywhere you go people ask about that. Every time people corner you and want to know what you think. I dont appear in public, i go in public. Only you, youre insecure, you have that backlighting. Youre like you go into ralphs, youve got a crew. I know how jimmy i travel with an applause sign. Yeah, a glam squad. You know. Jimmy people want to know what you think yeah, thats why i have a show. Jimmy it is probably why you have a show. Your last show i was reading about you with this subject today. Jimmy what subject . You said that you were like taking people to task, as i think you should, for who like would boycott donald trump, and you said, but if he wanted to come on your show, you would have him on. Jimmy of course. Because you said its important to talk to important people. Jimmy yes. I would add this. If you are going to have him on, hes a politician. Jimmy yeah. I know hes actually a Game Show Host from queens. But now hes the president of the United States<\/a>, unless someone from the future shows up to stop it from happening before it does. [ laughter ] president obama had his final press conference today. Maybe the final press conference today. [ laughter ] and then on friday well turn our attention to the bigley anticipated inauguration. Donald jennifer trump. Thats right. [ laughter ] did you know thats the middle name . Jennifer. Its exciting. Were two days away stated repeatedly that they want to avoid a circuslike atmosphere at the inauguration. Theyre saving that for the actual presidency itself. [ laughter ] but they are planning the event. Trump says he wrote his own inauguration speech. I guess people are having a hard time believing that, because today he tweeted a picture of himself writing or pretending to be writing in front of what appears to be vasco de gamas tomb. Writing my inaugural address at the winter white house, maralago. Winter white house is his code for saying, im never going to washington, d. C. I will be in florida all the time. This picture is an excellent hes miserable. Hes not leaning on anything while hes writing. It looks like he sent mike pence out to duane reid to buy him a notep notepad. I imagine the only words on that pad are ladies and gentlemen, please welcome three doors down, and thats it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is going to be im looking forward to it. This is going to be some speech. Trump, he doesnt usually write his own speeches. Typically either he improvises, wings it, or his Senior Policy Adviser<\/a> writes the speeches for him. But he is a good you know, he writes all his own tweets, so he can write. [ laughter ] meanwhile, deep trump is raking in the cash. Theyve already raised more than 100 million for this inauguration. Which is a record. By comparison, obama only raised 53 million for his. And theyre doing it in an interesting way. The inaugural committee is basically selling meet and greets. If you dont nate between 150,000 and 250,000, you can have dinner with the members of trumps cabinet. 500,000 to 1 million, you get dinner with the vice president. For a donation of 5 million or more, donald trump will let you run the country for a day. [ laughter ] the day of your choice. It could be your birthday [ cheers and applause ] if you dont have 100,000 to spend, theyre also selling merchandise. This is really on the website. Only 25, you can own this handsome pair of official inauguration pint glasses. If youre a can kind of guy trump has you covered. A sixpack of 45s president beer cozies. For 20, you could be the owner of four red plastic inaugural cups. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] 5 a cup. Lets see how much you can buy cups like that for on amazon. Yeah. On amazon you can get 150 of them for 10. 44. See, he really does know how to negotiate. So that is going to be a party. The white house isnt the only institution thats getting ready for donald trump to move in. Madame Tussauds Wax Museum<\/a> has a donald too. They unveiled him this morning on the today show. Without further ado, here is your first look at the new wax figure of president elect donald trump. Jimmy what a right and pleasant likeness. I bet thats exactly what he looks like when he watches saturday night live. Why did they make him look like something youd post in a field to chase varmints away . For comparison, this is president obamas wax figure. A smiling, handsome. Here he is with the first lady. You know, the american flag. This is the wax figure they made of melania trump. Oh, no, wait. Thats the real melania trump. [ laughter ] they havent done hers. I get confused sometimes. The hearings for Donald Trumps<\/a> wouldbe cabinet members are on full swing, theyre on cspan. A lot of focus has been on betsy devos, a billionaire from michigan, no experience in education. Her family cofounded amway. Kids went to private school, the whole thing. The most Interesting Exchange<\/a> is when she suggested some schools need to have guns in them to protect kids from grizzly bears. You cant say definitively today that guns shouldnt be in schools . Well, i will refer back to senator enzi and the school that he was talking about in wyoming. I think probably there, i would imagine that theres probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies. [ laughter ] jimmy i really wish trump would have walked in the hearing, said betty, youre fired, then left. If grizzly bears are a problem in our schools, then this betsy devos we need to get sarah palin in there, were talking about grizzly bears. Betsy devos would have made a great secretary of education in 1783 when grizzly bears were a problem. Kim jongun, the leader of north korea, has not been nominated for a cabinet position. Yet. He appears to be ill. Not kim jongil. Actually ill. He was seen yesterday limping into a shoe factory. You know, the world really has become a tv show. The kim jongun show is the one with the worst writers because limping into a shoe factory, its just too i have a theory about this illness of his. You know, hes put on weight. His ankles are swollen. He seems to be away from work a lot. I think kim jongun might be pregnant. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ill tell you something, i really truly hope Dennis Rodman<\/a> does the right thing and marries him this time. [ laughter ] yesterday, i dont know if you saw this expedia yesterday released their annual list of the most annoying airline passengers. For the third time year the most annoying passenger is the seat kicker. I would have guessed hijackers. But its the person who kicks. Rounding out the top three were inattentive parents who let their kids scream and people who smell. Which i agree with all those. But the truth is the most annoying person on the flight is anyone who isnt you, right . Its everyone else. You know what i find annoying, when you have the window seat and the person in the middle seat, you dont know, decides to look out the window for a while. Then you have to look out the window too. Or pretend to be asleep or something. Put those people on the list. I would like to take a moment if i could to take you on a journey to the future. When i am done hosting the show, when im old and gray and all of that, my plan is to do endorsements on cable news channels like chuck woolry and tom selleck do. Years from now future me is going to rye to sell future you future products. Lets travel now together for an offer and a man that i think you will find very attractive. The following is a paid advertisement for precious chains. Hello, Im Television<\/a> personality jimmy kimmel. If youre anything like me, your time on the computer is mostly spent forwarding hilarious chain emails to your friends and family. But what happens to an email after you send it . Some people say it goes to heaven. And while theres no way to know for certain, one thing areas for sure. All those chain emails you painstakingly forwarded are gone. Dont you wish there was a way to hold on to them forever . Well, now there is. With precious chains. Precious chains takes every chain email you forwarded over the years and binds them all in a beautiful leatherlike tome. Now you can relax at home and relive all of your beautiful chain emails of the past. Like 10 reasons moms should run the country. And the time you proved our president was a secret gay muslim. He was. Precious chains. Give yourself something to look forward to. To immortalize your precious chains call the number on your screen. Im jimmy kimmel. Ill be dead soon. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have to take a break. When we come back, selfflying cars are on the way. And the roast master general himself, jeff ross, busts chops on hollywood boulevard. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express<\/a>, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express<\/a>. Of bad breath germs its more than cash back. For a 100 fresh mouth. Feeling 100 means you feel bold enough to. Assist a magician. Or dance. Listerine\u00ae. Bring out the bold\u2122 it helps put some distance. Between you and temptation. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. Oh the fishes will laugh as they swim out of the path when the ship comes in by the hollies and the seagulls theyll be smilin and the rocks on the sand its so peaceful out here. Yeah. Introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion\u00ae allwheel drive. Soon to be everywhere. Start your day with the number one choice of dentists. Philips sonicare removes significantly more plaque versus oralb 7000. Experience this amazing feel of clean. Innovation and you. Philips sonicare. Save now when you buy philips sonicare. Psst. Hey. Where you going . Weve got that thing you know. Diarrhea . Abdominal pain . But we said wed be there. Woap, who makes the decisions around here . Its me. Dont think ill make it. Stomach again. Send if youre living with frequent, unpredictable diarrhea and abdominal pain, you may have Irritable Bowel Syndrome<\/a> with diarrhea or ibsd a condition that can be really frustrating. Talk to your doctor about viberzi. A different way to treat ibsd. Viberzi is a Prescription Medication<\/a> you take every day that helps proactively manage both diarrhea and abdominal pain at the same time. So you stay ahead of your symptoms. Viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. Do not take viberzi if you have or may have had pancreas or severe liver problems, problems with alcohol abuse, longlasting or severe constipation, or a blockage of your bowel or gallbladder. If you are taking viberzi, you should not take medicines that cause constipation. The most common side effects of viberzi include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. Stay ahead of ibsd. With viberzi. Jimmy hi everybody, welcome back to the show. Bill maher, wendi mclendoncovey, and music from a. F. I. Is on the way. [ cheers and applause ] first there is something that heres something fun that might be available in the near future. Airbus, the company that makes jet planes, is working on cars that fly on their own. Airbus is planning to test a selfflying car soon, by the end of 2017. They say it will either be the worlds first selfflying car or the worlds first selfcrashing airplane. So this is it. I dont know, they say its a flying car, looks like a weird helicopter to me. I guess the idea is when traffic is bad, which here would be always, you can just turn the propellers on and fly to walmart or target or wherever youre going. Can you imagine . 30,000 cars flying out of Dodger Stadium<\/a> all at once . [ laughter ] everyone would be dead. There would be no survivors. The other problem is with flying cars, you dont have an excuse to be late anymore. Especially in l. A. You cant say, i got stuck behind a hot air balloon. It just doesnt [ laughter ] if you are here in hollywood, and i know those of you in this room are, from here until from friday night until monday, jeff ross is taping his show roast battle for Comedy Central<\/a> at the old house of blues. So the shows a lot of fun. Comedians get on stage and insult each other tournamentstyle. To get jeff warmed up for it we sent him with a camera crew right outside our studio. Here he is, the roast master general, jeff ross, at work. Thanks, jimmy, and good luck with those pubes on your chin. The roast battles are coming up so i wanted to get my brain in full roast mode by roasting some of your neighbors out here on the street. Who wants to get roasted . Whats the c stand for . Captain. I thought you were wearing your High School Report Card<\/a> on your head. Something like that. Great to see you, man. How you doing . Here with one of the greats, johnny depp. Congratulations, i hear your divorce is official. Nearly. Youre finally divorced from bathing apparently. How are you doing . Wow, who are you supposed to be peter sleeps in a parker . Yeah. I boss wondering what happened to courtney love. Yeah. Fantastic. How is Business Today<\/a> . Business is you know. Its been pretty good. My spidey senses tell me youre going to make 4 today. Oh. You told me to wake you up when you hit rock bottom no sense of humor. No shortage of material out here on hollywood boulevard, guys. Who wants to get roasted . Oh, hi. Hi. How you doing . Good, how are you . Im jeff. Alise. How are you doing . Im good. Wow. Knock knock. Whos that . Your absentee father. Surprise i know who my father is. You do . Youre like a stripper who hates money so you work here. Those shorts are shorter than the amount of time you spent in high school. How are you doing . What are you protesting . Im not protesting, im out here working. Working . Why are you dressed like a parking ticket . How do you like the street job . The owner saw me at another job and told me to come in. He goes, that guy looks like he can hold a sign and wear a dayglo shirt. Oh my god, either rick crapton. Its three day weekend. You having a good time, michael . What do you mean . Having a great time. Tell your facelift. Oh my god. Theres kids. Run run look, its zach galifaenough already. Whats going on . Hows business . [ bleep ] going on right now. Not much going on . Are you upset that your parents brad and angelina are getting divorced . Nice to meet you, maddox. You look very lovely today. Thank you. You have blacker roots than ku kuhnta kinta. Being able to take a joke is important. Its all about smiling and laughing. Especially with an outfit like that. Love you, good luck with the lipstick on your teeth, youre awesome. All right, see you at home. Crack that Coffee Coffee<\/a> table if youre willing and able crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack that coffee table wow. Thanks, kanye worst. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have a good sew tonight. We have music from a. F. I. , wendi mclendoncovey is here. And well be right back with bill maher. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] even when you know where youre going. It Still Matters<\/a> how you get there. The lexus line of luxury suvs. Giving you the power to make your own way. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longerlasting flavor . Mmm zipping zipping rattling longerlasting juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew and chew. Moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. With simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. And theres no minimum balance. Youre alright with simply right checking from santander bank. Are you feeling alright, baby . From santander bank. Hi. Can you help me save on my energy bill . Old appliances. Like a hot water heater . Its around here somewhere. Nope. Nope. What is this thing . Sir, have you looked in the basement . Huh. Oh, yeah. No wonder. It was hidden behind all of my free weights. If youre not an expert, peco can help. We have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. Peco. The future is on. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight from the goldbergs, which is in its fourth season, wednesday nights here on abc, wendi mcclendoncovey is here. Then, this is their new album, its called a. F. I. The blood album, music from afi. You can see them live, their tour starts friday at the troubadour here in l. A. Tomorrow night Priyanka Chopra<\/a> will be with us. And well have music from maren morris. And on friday a new show with anthony anderson, ruby rose, and travis scott. If youre a teenager in the United States<\/a> and youd like to meet with our executive producer doug delucca, send an email to big greasy doug at gmail. Com. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. Some things happened during the commercial break. Hey, friday is a very big day for our first guest tonight. It is the season premiere of his show. Its his birthday. And its Inauguration Day<\/a> for president donald trump. I would imagine hes excited about all three. Real time with bill maher returns to hbo friday night at 10 00 and you can see him live at Pope Joy Hall<\/a> in albuquerque february 12th. Please welcome bill maher [ cheers and applause ] nice rendition of the theme song, very nice. We got a new one. Jimmy a new song . Its been like 13 years. Jimmy how involved are you in choosing the new song . Not at all. Jimmy not at all, yeah. But they did a hell of a job. Jimmy nice, yeah. You can borrow them. Theyre not busy on friday nights around that time. If you like a band, mine is for rent. Theres not much going on. What should we talk about . Is there anything . [ laughter ] oh, jimmy. Jimmy anything come to mind . Yeah, yeah. Im getting donald trump for my birthday. [ laughter ] i keep saying, god, why . Then i go, oh, yeah. Jimmy thats right. The last 25 years ive been making fun of you on tv. Religulous, you hated that too. Jimmy everywhere you go people ask about that. Every time people corner you and want to know what you think. I dont appear in public, i go in public. Only you, youre insecure, you have that backlighting. Youre like you go into ralphs, youve got a crew. I know how jimmy i travel with an applause sign. Yeah, a glam squad. You know. Jimmy people want to know what you think yeah, thats why i have a show. Jimmy it is probably why you have a show. Your last show i was reading about you with this subject today. Jimmy what subject . You said that you were like taking people to task, as i think you should, for who like would boycott donald trump, and you said, but if he wanted to come on your show, you would have him on. Jimmy of course. Because you said its important to talk to important people. Jimmy yes. I would add this. If you are going to have him on, hes a politician. Jimmy yeah. I know hes actually a Game Show Host<\/a> from queens. But now hes the president of the United States<\/a>. So if youre going to have him on, this is everybody, hold his feet to the fire. Jimmy you mean literally . Oh, if you could. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the way you say that. I assume that yeah, dont let him use you. Jimmy i assume that you are assuming he would not do your show . Do you think he would ever it took me eight years and a Million Dollars<\/a> to get obama on the show, right. But i think you could if i was you you never know. Jimmy id dare him to do your show. Exactly, hes that kind of guy. What kind of guy is he . Thats the point, we dont know, hes completely unpredictable. Eight years to get obama, he could appear on my second show. You dont know what this guy is doing which is why im sweating like a whore in church. [ laughter ] jimmy he specifically seriously. Jimmy he threatened to sue you. Threatened . He did sue me. Jimmy he took steps no, he didnt take steps. He sued me. I spent a lot of money to defend this suit. Jimmy how much money did you spend . A lot of money, lawyers are not cheap. Jimmy did you get served with a subpoena . Papers . Im a pothead, jimmy, i dont remember thing is like this. [ laughter ] jimmy you know i dont do anything like that its illegal. Wait, its not even illegal. That could all change. Jimmy you think so . I mean, the new attorney general is Jeff Sessions<\/a>. Okay. I dont know what this guy i mean, hes a crazy rightwing loon like the rest of them in this cabinet from opposite world. Thank you, sir. That he appointed. You know. Remember, thats what it is. Everybodys in charge of a departme department they want to get rid of. Jimmy right. True. The head of the epa doesnt believe in global warming. Trump wants to get rid of the epa and replace the environment with something terrific [ laughter ] so i dont know, you know. Im just saying, yes, you may have to go back to a dealer to get your pot. Because these nuts could reverse the things its still just state, its only legal in the states. Jimmy is this your number one concern . Is this what youre most worried about . Obviously. [ cheers and applause ] i didnt think it was. Till we started to talk. And then im like, boy. Talk shows are very revealing, you know . No, its not my number one concern but i bet you its their number one concern. Jimmy what is your number one concern . The environment. Id like to live here. You know, i was watching this show over the break, mars, did you see this . Jimmy no. Its about mars. [ laughter ] jimmy should we move there . Whats the plan . No is the point. But like its amazing. I think ron howard, executive produced it, it was a scripted show. They intercut documentary footage of real people who are really working on going to mars. Elon musk, the tells la dude, hes got a rocket company, he wants to get there like tomorrow. Bezos of amazon, theyve got a competition, lets get to mars. Mars, we have to become a two high planet species because we might screw it up here on earth. And with trump, we might. [ laughter ] and im like, what the [ bleep ] are you people talking about . Theres no air on mars. Theres no atmosphere. Its cold. You have to wear a suit. Living in these pods . What if the power goes out . You know . And just the idea that we i mean, today we found out, 2015, 2016, the hottest year on record. Jimmy yeah. Before that, it was 2015. Before that, it was 2014. You see a trend . Jimmy i do. I mean, we are screwing up this planet. And this is a nice planet to live on. For one thing, we can breathe. Jimmy that is a plus. Its a bonus. [ cheers and applause ] that said im into breathing without a suit. Jimmy you have always loved breathing about a suit, thats one of the things i like about you. Call me a convenience whore. Jimmy i think its very interesting that what has happened now is people dont really seem to examine specific issues anymore. It seems like you root for one team. Absolutely. Jimmy id are youre on the right side, youre on the left side, and whatever youre told to support on this side, you support. And vice versa. And its really kind of terrible. Well, people are in their media ghettos. Thats the problem. Jimmy yeah, you watch your shows. You watch liberal shows. And first of all, lets not create a false equivalency like both sides are equally wrong. No one is harder on liberals than me, as a liberal. Jimmy thats true. And i am a liberal. But lets not forget one side got on the short bus to crazytown and its not my side. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy bill maher is here. His show comes back on friday night on hbo. Well be right back when youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. 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That was easy. jon right . vo h r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. jon vo get your taxes won. Hes got the cash. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. New aveeno\u00ae. Dont just eat yogurt. Wear it. Daily moisturizing body yogurt. Enriched with the nutrients found in greek yogurt, intensely nourishes skin for 48 hours. Aveeno\u00ae. Naturally beautiful results\u00ae. Diswith new tastes ofter side, the mediterraneanen recipes that put a fresh spin on traditional italian each is under 600 calories and still 100 delicious come indulge in italys lighter side at olive garden new girl, huh . Yeah, im i couldnt help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. Yeah, this bad boy gives you Coverage Options<\/a> based on your budget. Oh oh, not so fast, tadpole. You have to learn to swim first. Claire, heres your name your price tool. Oh, thanks, flo. Mmhmm. Jamie, dont forget to clean the fridge when youre done. She seems nice. She seems nice. [ door closes ] shes actually pretty nice. Oh. Yeah. Oh, it[car horns]y. [angry shouting] excuse me [storm siren] when it comes to buying a house. Trulia knows the house is only half of it. And with 34 map overlays like traffic, crime, natural hazards, and more. You can find the right house and the right neighborhood for you. Trulia. The house is only half of it. Jimmy were back with bill maher. His show is back on friday night. Last time you were on was the day of the election. And then you had, or week of the election. Then you had ten weeks off. That must have been terrible for you. It was terrible for me. Jimmy yeah. It must give you an idea of what it would be like the number one secret during a talk show, make the host feel like hes brilliant. Jimmy agree with the host. You just came up with a thing. Yes, it was terrible for me. Jimmy it was terrible for you . I went to a dark place. I will say that. Around the election. No, really. I mean, i was like, boy, vancouver is looking pretty good. Jimmy do you know anyone who actually moved to canada . No. I mean, and thats not only an empty threat usually, they dont usually do that. They talk about it. And by the way, when they do talk about it, theyve cried wolf before. They said, if any republican, oh, im going to move to canada. Mitt romney mitt romney was going to make you move to canada . If i could take the Million Dollars<\/a> i gave to obama to make sure mitt romney wasnt going to be president , and give it to mitt romney to be president tomorrow, i would. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the funny thing is as arrogant americans we assume canada will welcome us with open arms if we decide to move there because we dont like our leader. Theyre like, youre not coming here. They were going to welcome me, i checked. Jimmy do you have any real friends who are Trump Supporters<\/a> . What do you mean by real friends . [ laughter ] jimmy im not just talking about acquaintances or people on the show every eight weeks or Something Like<\/a> that, but friends. Every eight weeks . Jimmy you know, the rotation. Im here once a year. You have people every eight weeks . Jimmy no. [ laughter ] i want to get a list of people who are here every eight weeks those people are never doing my show, ill tell you something about that. Every eight weeks. Whos so good . Give me a list of people who are so good they could be here every eight weeks. Im not talking about my show, im talking about you have certain panelists you know you can rely on that you go to semiregularly, yes . Is that not true . Thats why im only on once a year . Jimmy this is not an insult. Whats going on here . [ laughter ] this pot is making you paranoid, whats happening . [ laughter ] that does not let me finish. Unless i eat it. When i eat it. Its such a different thing when you eat it. You know. No one has higher credentials with pot than me. Im telling you, when they make these edibles that look like gummy bears . That is a terrible idea. Jimmy it is the worst idea. Maybe Jeff Sessions<\/a> will leave us with our pot, dont make pot look like other things. Im reading the fine print. Is this cookie i cant remember who gave me this it looks like a regular cookie. Whats the worst that could happen . Cut to me splayed out on the side. Jimmy right, right. I want to change the subject for one moment. Maybe im not changing the subject. Thats every year. Jimmy tradition you have. A show in hawaii. Sean penn, eddie vedder and me. I dont know why we started taking the three stooges picture. Jimmy you pose three stooges style. Every year. Jimmy year after year. There you are. Laura concern fidern filled in. We get the idea. Jimmy it happens every people like to see celebrities piled up. Its a thing. You didnt know that . Then finally, this is this year. You, eddie vedder and sean penn on top of each other. How do you decide who gets on top . I dont know but sean always has that look on his face like he doesnt want to do this picture. Jimmy he does seem to be crying. I play hawaii this is like six or seven years now weve done this. New years eve, hon lieu will you. New years night, maui. When i first started, no one would book you. My agents didnt want it. They said no one goes to shows in hawaii. Of course they do. Theres people there. Auditoriums. So it became kind of a tradition. Those two buys are there surfing every year. Which is insane. Jimmy do you do that . Of course not. I like living. Theres sharks out there. Luckily theyre soon killed by the radiation coming over from the fukushima thing. Jimmy and the global warming. There is an upside. You know whats looking good to me . Mars. Jimmy thars, yeah. Bill maher. Real time with bill maher returns friday at 10 00pm on hbo. Thank you, bill. Well be right back with wendi mclendoncovey. [ cheers and applause ] hi guys, i want to get your opinions on the first ever chevy cruze hatch. But more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. bark you wanna check it out . bark the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. So when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. bark plenty of space for all of mias friends. Or not. Gotta go current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this firstever cruze hatchback. Plus, find your tag and get an additional 500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Un poquito mas rapido, no . [instrumental music plays] [wheel squeaking] hasta luego, profesor [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [wheel squeaking] Carlos Carlos<\/a> dr. Brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] tell cardio right away i need a. Todays the day oh look creepy gloves for my feet. See when i was a kid there was a handle. And a face. This is nice. And does it come in a california king . Getting roid rage. Hemorrhoid. These are the worst, right . Im gonna buy them. Boom. Ill take them. Impulse buy. Ommmmmmmmmmm. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express<\/a> you get cash back on purchases. Its all happening. With no annual fee. Here we go its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express<\/a>. Its more than cash back. Start your day with the number one choice of dentists. Philips sonicare removes significantly more plaque versus oralb 7000. Experience this amazing feel of clean. Innovation and you. Philips sonicare. Save now when you buy philips sonicare. Babdo you want any . P. No thanks. I have a salad. Theres nothing like a bowl of campbells chicken noodle soup. And salad. Made for real, real life. I heard superheroes read chucks norris comics. D you. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. So what happened . I had lunch with chuck norris. Unitedhealthcare. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Jimmy hi, there, welcome back to the show. Still to come, music from afi. Our next guest plays the overbearing tv mom to end all overbearing tv moms. Watch the goldbergs wednesday nights here on abc. Please welcome wendi mclendoncovey. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wendi, i have a weird question for you to begin. Yeah. Jimmy im wondering why you spell your name with an i instead of y. Is that on your birth certificate . Did you change it . It is not on my birth certificate. I worked at a Jewelry Store<\/a> with three other blond wendys. Jimmy what . That was the way we differentiated ourselves. Jimmy three . One of them was a wendy m. . Four wendys in one Jewelry Store<\/a> . Three blond, bigboobed wendys in a Jewelry Store<\/a>. And i took the i position. Yes, i put a heart above the i. Jimmy well, you have to. Because you have to, its the law. But yeah. Thats how that happened. Jimmy okay, all right. Then you stuck with it. I stuck with it. Jimmy even after you left the Jewelry Store<\/a>. Yeah, by then i had a mervyns card, a blockbuster card, i was establishing credit, you know. Jimmy what happened to mervyns . What happened to mervyns . Jimmy yeah, mervyns spelled it with a y, not an i. [ laughter ] they did, they did. Jimmy where else did you work as a youngster . As a youngster oh, i looked at a rotten hotel near disneyland. Jimmy which one . [ laughter ] its not there anymore. It was a ramada. Jimmy ramada inn. Independently owned and operated. Its not the whole chain. Its not the whole chain. But we did a very brisk business in shotgun weddings. Jimmy people would get married there . Well, you know. We knocked out eight rooms to make a ballroom. So, you know. Eight doors, eight air conditioners, it looked like we knocked out eight rooms. But you couldnt beat our prices. Jimmy well, sure, yeah. Sounds like it. You know, your 19yearold daughter was knocked up and needed a sitdown dipper for the family, you know. Jimmy did you put that slogan and was crowning on the dance floor. You would come to us. Then you would get very you would get taken care of, yeah. Jimmy crowning on the dance flo floor. Crowning on the dance floor jimmy i remember that song. So you grew up in long beach which is not so far from here. I did. Jimmy because you were in long beach, very close to los angeles, is that why you decided you wanted to be an actor, why you wanted to be on television . No, this career really chose me, jimmy. No, i was one of those annoying kids that just had to do Something Like<\/a> that. Always staging a play or a puppet show or would interrupt my parents, you know, evenings with their friend to say, im giving a lecture on birds or whatever. I was a weird kid. Jimmy did your parents like it . Not really. They didnt love it. But they encouraged it. Sort of. Because they they didnt schedule every minute of my day. So i had a lot of time to use my imagination. Jimmy is that a nice way of saying you were a latchkey kid . Yes. No, i love my parents. I just want to say. Dave and carolyn, rock on. Jimmy speaking of parents. The character you play on the goldbergs is based on a real woman. Yes. Jimmy what is the real womans name . Beverly goldberg. Jimmy the same name as the show . Yes. Jimmy shes alive . Shes alive and on twitter. Jimmy shes on twitter . Right now . As goldilocks 405. Hi, bev. Jimmy really . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy she was, is, probably still, i dont know, maybe she laid off in later years, a very, very obtrusive woman, yes . If by that you mean bossy, yes. Jimmy i mean bossy. Shes got some stuff to say. Yes. Jimmy did you meet with her before taking this role . Did she have to give you her seal of approval . I did not. I met with her halfway into the first season. And then she gave me her seal of approval. But she i was scared. To meet her. Because her son kept saying, my mother is coming to the set. Are you okay with that . And i said, well, yeah. Whoever wants to come to the set, ill say hi to. You dont understand, my mother is coming to the set, are you all right with that . Yes. Third time. Why do you not want your mom to come to the set . Jimmy right, i would think you would have an idea based on the stories that have been scripted which are a lot of them are from his real life. Real life, yes. Jimmy in fact, this is something that you tell us what this is, this item that you brought. Thats something you want to give to a treasured friend or colleague. Its a pillow case with bevs face on it. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is based on a real story. Well, yeah. How pleasant is that . Youre going to roll over in the night and see someone who just wants to take care of you. Back in the 80s when our show takes place, kiosks would pop up that would put your name not your name, your face, on anything. In this episode, bev had all kinds of things made with her face or her kids faces and gave them out as gifts. Now, did she really go that crazy . In real life . I dont know. But thats what we did. Now these are selling like hot cakes. These are you can get them on abc. Com, dont be afraid. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy are they actually for sale . Yeah, they are. Thats for you, jimalo, you can have that. Jimmy if you want to drool on wendi, abc. Com. Do you have these on your bed at home . It seems like you should. No, i dont deserve fancy things. Jimmy wendi mclendoncovey, everybody. Watch the goldbergs, wednesday nights at 8 here on abc. And we shall return with music from a. F. I. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy id like to thank bill maher, wendi mclendoncovey, jeff ross and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. Nightline is next but first a. F. I. The blood album comes out on friday, here with the song snow cats a. F. I am i coy enough not boy enough you wanted me in this dress or nothing else you say i am i am not scared enough prepared enough you wanted me in distress ive nothing left to fear i am i am here ill wait for you another night dressed in himalayan white ill wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white am i loud too much and proud too much you wanted me in this stance or on my back you said i am i am not read enough in bed enough ive given up on romance ive nothing left for love i am i am here ill wait for you another night dressed in himalayan white ill wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white whos to say when the cats are away what they say what they say we wont come back whos to say when the cats are away we wont come back what they say what they say we wont come back whos to say when we cats are away we wont come back what we say what i say i wont stay ill wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white ill wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white ill wait for you ill wait for you dressed in himalayan white this is nightline. Tonight, with just two days to the inauguration anticipation is where im at right now. We are in blue collar michigan feeling the trump love. Nationally he flipped 200 counties. Vladimir putin didnt do that, voters did. Why these voters say their blue county turned red. I think we need hope. What they expect from the president elect. Plus kidnapped at birth. A baby girl stolen from the hospital, raised by her alleged abductor for 18 years, and the unsuspecting man who thought he was her father. I named her. Thats the love of my life. Now found and reunited with her biological parents. Why shes pleading for mercy for the woman who raised her. She made one mistake. 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