- how 'bout a new used one? - oh don't worry kids, we'll get a new car. as soon as the junkyard claims this one. - oh, bite your tongue! - junkyard will never claim that porter, honey. - my loyal son. - i'm only teasing, dave. if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me. - that's my girl. - it's good enough for me too, dad. - that's my boy! - and me too! - and my baby. - that's my family! - yes? - are you in good health? steady pulse? - normal blood pressure? - not subject to fainting spells? - a stout heart? - what's this all about anyway? - yes, who are you? what do you want? - yeah, who are you, what do you want? - who are we, what do we want. - oh sublime innocence. - who we are doesn't matter. - it's who you are that counts! - mrs crabtree, hold onto your husband, brace yourself. this magnificent automobile. - if there's a patron saint for old cars, president of the feedbag supermarket. - i'm jenkins, public relations. these are newspaper reporters, brentwood breeze? - this car, this beautiful limousine, is yours mrs crabtree! you won it! your name, your lucky name, was drawn out of the feedbag this morning! you see? mrs david crabtree. - that's she. - hey, that's you! - that's me! - now here are the keys and the transfer of ownership. - but i don't understand. - she doesn't understand. - she doesn't understand. - what is it you don't understand my dear? - well i don't shop at the feedbag supermarket. i mean i was there for the first time the other day just to return some deposit bottles and that's when i threw this card in your big feedbag. - we shop at the costalessa market. - shops at...costalessa... - don't write that, don't take that picture! i was there yesterday as a matter of fact. - we were at the costalessa yesterday, daddy. - [boy] you said you wouldn't be caught dead in the feedbag, daddy. - you said the feedbag was a gyp joint. - kids, what do they know. - don't put that down, don't snap that picture! - well thank you mr frack, it is a beautiful car. - the winner of this beautiful car shops at the costalessa. you're fired. don't do that. - can i drop you someplace? spent all my life building up a trade and the winner shops at the costalessa! (children cheering) - i can't believe it! - can you believe us owning a car like this? - oh boy, wait'll the neighbors see us! - wait'll my clients see us drive up in this boat! - hey, am/fm radio! - with speakers in the front and the back! - and on the sides! - hey look at this, cigarette lighters with pearl handles. - in front and in back! hello! (car horn blaring) hello this is james bond, what's my next assignment? 10-4, 11-21! - dave, will you stop that honking? - nuts! - here honey, it's for you. - hello, hello? - hang on. - remember me? - what do you mean? - what are you some kind of fink? going ape over that limousine floozy? you know you can't afford that car. - sell it. - oh come on mom, are you kidding? sell that beautiful... - hunk of iron? yeah that's what i said. sell it. - mom i can't do that. it's barbara's car, i can't make her decisions for her. besides she's in love with it, it would break her heart. - dave? - see ya in a minute. - yeah honey. - dave this may come as a shock, but we can't keep this car. - you're kidding. - oh dave, i'm as gone on this car as you are believe me, but let's be practical. if we sell the car we can get a lot of money. how important is money? (car horn blaring) i'll be right back. - what do you want? - what are you doing to me? barbara wants to sell the car! - i know, but... - you're talking her out of it! that car is an intruder, david. - i'm sorry mom. - if it were a choice between your mother and your wife, i could understand it, but your wife, that darling girl, that sweet gentle understanding soul, she wants to sell the car and you don't! - okay mom, okay. i guess you're right, we can't afford the car. she wants to anyway and it's her car. - dave? - i'll be right back. yeah, honey. - dave darling, you're so understanding. - well i guess that's what husbands are for, to be understanding. well now you were saying that you wanted... - oh that i wanted to get rid of the car. but you're right, it is too beautiful to sell, we're gonna keep it! - oh no. - oh it won't be too much of a burden, we can scrimp and save and we'll just be very careful. it'll be like a newborn baby. - yeah but honey, a minute ago you said you wanted to sell the car. - oh that was before you talked me out of it. her. - but one thing for sure. we've gotta get rid of the porter. - right, we'll get... - right, first thing in the morning... - oh we're not gonna get rid of the porter! - why? - well because! we're not selling it, it's my porter and i put a lot of hard work in it and it's one thing's for sure the porter stays. - okay, but we keep the new car too, right? - well okay. (car horn blaring) with that big car out there. - mom it's a brand new car. people are always thrilled with new cars. - call the junkyard dave, tell them i'll be over shortly. you fixed things just swell with barbara. - mom i tried. it just didn't work, you heard. - now you hear this. this garage isn't big enough for that car and me. dispossessed, out of my own garage. oh i'd rather freeze than be covered by this awful smelly... if i throw my top down, i can get rid of this darn cover! honey that scratch was already there! well something bumped into it, you heard it! the porter! - oh hon of course, the porter came up there and bumped into the bumper and then backed off all by itself? - well something happened to my poor beautiful car. - what's the big idea? - it was an accident. that dirty canvas cloth you covered me with obstructed my view. re just being mean. - mean! your sweet dear lovable mother? you dispossess me, you cover me with a dirty paint-stained cloth, turning me out in the cold and i'm being mean? - i'm sorry mom. - you should be. - you're right, there's not room in this family for two cars. sit tight i'll go tell barb. - finally! - barb? - look at this car, isn't this the most beautiful car you ever saw? - it's beautiful. - i've never been happier. - really? - i'm going to bed. coming? - yeah i'll be there in a minute, honey. - and dave, thanks for letting me keep the car. - that's alright. - well dave you didn't tell her. - well i kinda...i sort've... - you kinda sort've what? - i kinda sorta didn't tell her. - dave. - i know mom. - oh come on barb! - no i am not selling this car! - barb, would you listen to me, i'm trying to talk to you. - but you're not saying anything. - oh yes i'm saying, what is that stuff you're putting all over the car? - vap-o-wax, it's an anti-scratch. this beautiful thing's not gonna have a mark on it. - come on barbs, let's sell it. - i'm not selling the car. a little while ago you insisted that i keep it but why the sudden change of heart? - it's just not in our class, that's all. the porter's more in our class, not this... - luxurious thing. well it may not be in your class, but it is mine. i heard the whole thing. - i can't get her to budge. - what's going to happen to me? - don't worry mom, i'll make you comfortable. - we're in for a cold spell and i'm out of a warm garage. - hey i know i'll build you one of those car ports. you know those nice big aluminum car ports they advertise in the home section of the sunday paper? ain't she a beauty? - tear it down, you're encroaching on my property. - what? - don't what me. i happen to've bought the property next door to you. my name is baxter and i think you should what makes you think... - i'm not a thinking man, crabtree, i'm a knowing man. and i know you're gonna have to tear down that car port! - which one of you fellas is david crabtree? - i am. - crabtree the squatter, right there. - i'm herbert cassidy, building inspector. you don't have a permit. - a permit to put up a car port? - well it's a building, isn't it? - yeah and it's encroaching on my property by three and one half inches! - tear it down. - but i just put it up! - just tear it down. what's going on? - oh these fellas are trying to tell me that i can't build a car port on my own property. - except for three and a half inches! - so take it down. - well honey, what about the porter then? poor old thing won't have any shelter. - he talks like it's a relative. - honey why don't we sell the new car. - why, because of a car port? that's silly. - mr crabtree? - here. - property tax department. did you just build this car port? - yes he certainly did. - yes sir he's gonna get a nice fresh tax bill the first of the year. - no wait, he was tearing it down. - he has a wrecking permit? - wrecking permit? - of course not! - car port stays. - no it doesn't. he doesn't have a building permit. - well that's your problem. look he can't tear down this car port unless he gets a wrecking permit! - but he's encroaching on my property! - and that's your problem. - now just a minute mr, uh... - barnes is the name. - ah well, cassidy here. - i'm baxter, hi. without a building permit. - oh true. but as you can see it's an accomplished fact. and as we say down at the office, he done it! - well you had to win a new car. - well you had to build an airport! - car port! - whatever. - mrs crabtree? - [barbara] yes? - i understand you just won a new automobile. - that's right. - yeah, what about it. - congratulations. - well thank you! - what about the new automobile? you wanna buy it? - oh it's not for sale. - my only interest in the car is its value, mrs crabtree. my name is farley, district tax collector. i just want to make sure that you list that car as income. - is it taxable? - should pull about $500. - as much as that? - probably more. i'll be glad to give you a rough estimate. (car horn blaring) - excuse me. - i'd like to get this straightened out, would you please. more than $500? - i'm warning you crabtree, it comes down or i'm suing! i'm suing! it down unless you get a wrecking permit. - what's up? - you have just been presented with the m.o. - what's that? modus operandi, the method of operation to get barbara to sell the car. - you mean because of the income tax man. - and the property tax man, and the man on whose land you are encroaching. - but... oh i get it, money. it's gonna cost money to keep that car. - yeah. hey thanks a lot for the n.g., mom. - that's m.o. - yeah, m.o. what'd you say that means again? - modus operandi. got it? - got it. - use it. some lawyer. - how's it coming? - slow. - sorry but we're still trying to work things out. - that's alright, take your time. would you like to come inside mr harold? - no it won't take too long. - mrs crabtree, mrs crabtree! congratulations on your new automobile. - that's a good one. that car's a real beauty. you should give it everything it deserves. - what do you mean?' - my name is harris. your car deserves the best and so do you. - [barbara] i still don't understand. - well insurance, barbs. the car needs insurance and so we do we, right mr harris? - you're an understanding man mr crabtree. your husband understands. - it'll be expensive too, right? - well, uh... - i mean for complete coverage. - expensive? - we'll need personal liability right? - right. - fire and theft? - of course! u can't do without property damage and collision! - major medical? - ooh major medical, why of course i almost forgot! every car owner has major medical. - scratches, dents, lacerations... - say crabtree, you should've been an insurance man. - if i say so myself, what a beautiful m.o. - and don't forget animal coverage. - animal coverage? for the car? - for the car? - oh sure, suppose a dog nips at those soft beautiful tires. - how come i didn't think about that? - are you putting me on? - am i putting her on, mr harris? your car deserves the best. you're a good man crabtree. now if you'll excuse me, i have to figure out the cost of the policy. - be sure and cover everything, mr harris, everything. - any moment now mr crabtree. - good, good. - mr crabtree! - yes sir. - this is going to take a little longer than i thought. - oh that's alright mr cassidy, just be accurate, cover everything, remember, deserving of winning such a lovely piece of automotive engineering. my name is fink. but never just a book by its cover. (david laughs) - mr fink, it looks like something's on your mind. - well there certainly is. a car like that for instance, that's what's on my mind. - you wanna buy it? - dave! - surely you're jesting, i can't afford it. mrs crabtree, i have come not to buy your car, but to improve it. - oh that's an excellent idea. - improve it? - seat covers. - oh seat covers! gee that's great, honey we can't allow our miserable bodies to to sit all over that beautiful upholstery, you know hand prints, jelly bread... - jelly bread? - you can work for me anytime, mr crabtree. - well if i keep that car i just may be doing that, mr fink. how much for the seat covers? - well i'll have to figure it out. between you and me i didn't come prepared. i didn't even bring my pencils. see i thought you folks were gonna put up a fight. - what about honey? - how are we gonna pay for all this? is it all necessary? - well the government has to have their cut, and insurance of course that's necessary, and there's the seat covers. - yeah we have to have the seat covers. - yeah, and the car port, heaven knows what they're up to over there. - well it's all gonna be pretty expensive isn't it? - yeah. well don't worry we'll think of something. - like what? - well, we could always get a loan on the car for the upkeep. - more payments? we're already making payments on the television and the refrigerator, the nursery school... - and the stove... - no we're not taking out any more loans. the tax on your car based on normal income, should be about $650. - $650, are you sure that's enough, we're in a higher income tax bracket now. - you're a great american, mr crabtree. - your insurance is a real bargain, mr crabtree. complete coverage for $652.87. - $652, are you sure you figured in the volcanic eruptions there? - oh that'll account to $763.26. ith a natural elaskin seal, is gonna come to $468.04. - bargain, that is a bargain. - crabtree. - i'm not finished. - sorry. - plus sales tax. - sales tax, well that's alright. - now? - now. - thanks. crabtree, i'm gonna allow the encroachment for a small monthly payment of $42. - $42? that's real neighborly of you, i appreciate that. - i can backdate that building permit, you scratch my back i'll scratch yours! but, you'll have to take out a license, that'll be $50. - $50, right. - crabtree you're a veteran aren't you. - well i'm gonna assess that car port real cheap, $250. - $250, that's very reasonable, isn't it barbs. barb? barb? - reasonable? how're we gonna pay for all this, tell me that. - aha, but we know how don't we son. that good old modus operandi. - oh there's only one thing to do barbs. - right, and i'm going to do it. - good girl. - sell the porter. - bad girl. enough to forget about selling the porter. - i can do without the flowers, but what about these bills? - will you listen if i tell you honey? - oh i'll listen. - well i was just thinking, you know that movie we watch every night, right after the news at 11 o'clock? and that guy comes on real loud, talks louder than the movie and says "hi i'm your lonely dealer down here, and i've got so many cars i don't know what to do!" and he's sick and sad because he can't sell 'em? he'd give us $5000 for the car. - i'd like that. - but i hate the thought of the car being mistreated by a stranger. - honey it's only a machine. you call there, the sad dutchman, and i'll go back the car out of the garage, okay? remember his last line, "some people support i'd like to speak to mr frack please. yes the president. why mr frack, what are you doing here? - hello mrs crabtree! - mrs crabtree we have news for you. - oh delightful news, that's why i rehired him. well tell them jenkins, tell them. - the car, the big beautiful car, it doesn't belong to you. - what do i mean? - i'll tell them, i'll tell them. you see, there was a mistake. now the lady who really won the car, was mrs david crabtree of sacramento. you were the wrong mrs crabtree. - the right mrs crabtree shops at our feedbag in sacramento. - where all the right people shop. - oh now, hold on a minute i'm gonna take this... - no. - what do ya mean no dave, honey? i'm a lawyer, they can't get away with this! - the car isn't mine, i didn't win it, ildren belong to me, that's all i want. here are the keys mr frack. - thank you. i have a man here who'll drive it right back, goodbye! come jenkins, now here are the keys, take it right back... - did you see that? - right through my rear-view mirror. - barbara didn't even put up a fight. she could've gotten $5000 for that car. then frack and jenkins come along and all of a sudden... - not all of a sudden, davy. and arranged the whole deal. - she called? - there's no mrs david crabtree in sacramento. she told frack she wanted the car delivered to a worthy day nursery. - my wife gave the car to charity? - a very nice charity, david. when converted that car will transport a lot of deserving children. - my wife, a wheeler and dealer if i ever saw one. - she had the right m.i. all the time. - it's m.o. your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power. call liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. you know it's a funny thing. - what? - i said it's a funny thing. you never polished the car before. - it's a nice car. - funny thing. - what? - have i told you lately that i like you? - here you finish it. - eesh. - what's that for? - you call that a kiss? - what's wrong with it? - barbara walked away, didn't she? - yeah, but... - she didn't fly, where are the skyrockets? did she hear a thousand violins - mom, it was only a kiss. that's what my hear is saying, while every breeze is playing our cuban-- - oh boy. (car singing cuban love song) - dave! dave! you forgot your brief case. - oh, thank you, honey. - have a good day. - oh, it better be. it's gonna be an important one. - dave, did you leave the car radio on all night? - yeah. ceover] my cuban love song. one melody-- - good morning, ma. - good morning, dear. i bet you think it's fun being an old car. - i imagine it has some good points. - oh, there he is. i don't have to decide between french, thousand island, or roquefort. - what else? - that's it. do you realize i can't even take my own grandchildren in my arms? - no, but i bet you're gonna. - right, they chase me, barking down the street, nipping at my tires. - you know all that's wrong with you, mom? a little spring fever. - yeah, well could be. (car singing cuban love song) for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, or e.g.f.r. gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo, nivolumab. opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer versus chemotherapy. no biomarker testing is required with opdivo, our immune system to attack normal organs and tissues in your body and affect how they work. this may happen any time during or after treatment has ended, and may become serious and lead to death. see your doctor right away if you experience new or worsening cough; chest pain; shortness of breath; diarrhea; severe stomach pain or tenderness; severe nausea or vomiting; extreme fatigue; constipation; excessive thirst or urine; swollen ankles; loss of appetite; rash; itching; headache; confusion; hallucinations; muscle or joint pain; this may keep these problems from becoming more serious. these are not all the possible side effects of opdivo. tell your doctor about all your medical conditions, including immune system problems, or if you've had an organ transplant, or lung, breathing, or liver problems. a chance to live longer. ask your doctor about opdivo. bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians he is gorgeous! he's too much! - that's why you have googly eyes? - i may be in love. - what about charlie, susie? - charlie who? - charlie, your fiance? - oh, charlie! - yes, that charlie! - let me tell you something, if that mr. byron sings, one enchanted evening, it's-- - good bye, charlie. - yeah. - spring fever. it's gotta be spring fever. mr. byron, david crabtree. - crabtree, i am here because of the biggest and greatest housing development of my career. - oh, shady acres, i see you commercials everyday, mr. byron. - thank you. now, the secret of my success, crabtree, is that i play hunches. i do not deal in an orthodox manner. and, when i find a lawyer who drives a 1928 porter,-- - i can explain-- - he is my kind of lawyer. how come? i will tell you how come. - that's a wonderful slogan, mr. byron. - slogan? it is a prophecy. i had a vision, yesterday's swap land, today a dream come true. shady acres, a gracious retirement community. i have built 1, 928 homes. - 1, 928 homes - down payment? $1, 928, - $1, 928 - and paid off at $1,928 per annum. now, do you see where you come in? y, mr. byron. - your 1928 porter, it's an omen. i am a superstitious man, i play hunches. and, if you own a 1928 porter-- - i do, i do. - you are my lawyer. - ah, now i see. - liked it? - i loved it! - and, as for your fee, crabtree, conrad byron. (laughs loudly) - listen, mr. byron, i have an idea. ow your family are my kind of folk, old fashioned. - we will be. we are, we are. - daddy, may i make the wheel go round? - no, randy, leave it alone, it's rented. if we break it, we have to pay for it, it's an antique. - dave, is all this really necessary? - for a big client like conrad byron? - okay, there's your answer. - daddy, look, did they have electric plugs in 1928? - i don't know, but i'm not taking any chances. - gee, dave, maybe we should've rented a farm house for the evening? - that's not a bad idea. (car honking) - oh, there's conrad byron now in his horse and buggy. places everybody! - hello! good evening, mr. byron, and welcome! - thank you. oh, and there it is, in all of it's grandeur, a 1928 porter, if i ever saw one in red. fire engine red! oh, it's really the cat's pajamas. - what? - it's a fine machine, beautiful. - thank you. we better go in the house, barbara has the table all set. - [voiceover] psst! psst! - what was that? - i've got a little hay fever. my pills are in the car, i'll get em. i'll be with you in just a minute, mr. byron. what's with the, "psst! psst!"? - [voiceover] quick, tell me, who is he? he's beautiful. - his name is conrad byron. - did you hear what he said about me? he called me a fine machine, beautiful, he said. - i gotta go in the house, big deal cooking. - make sure you bring that big gorgeous deal out here later. - don't start up, okay mom? - he patted me, right on the radiator. (car singing cuban love song) - oh, mrs. crabtree, the dinner was absolutely delicious. mm and eating in the kitchen! enjoyed it, mr. byron. it's just potluck. - [cindy] mommy, may we please be excused? - [randy] mommy, may we please be excused? - yes, yes, and go. - oh, you don't see manners like that anymore, those days are gone. - not around my house, mr. byron. i guess i'm just kinda old fashion, a lot like you. - oh, i don't know how long it is been since i had a dinner like this. - me either. (laughs loudly) pan gravy, hot biscuits, honey. and, how about that dessert? tapioca pudding. - all home cooked too. - oh, really dave, that's not golly true. i must admit the honey was store bought. - county ordinance, they don't allow us to keep bees. (laughs loudly) - oh, this has been a compliant evening. that beautiful, old porter. - honey, mr. byron's just crazy about our 1928 porter. - you are? - oh, i certainly am! - oh, i'm certainly am, too! (car honking) - excuse me, short circuit. - cookies and cream, mr. byron. - oh, you baked these yourself. mm, it's still warm. (car honking) - no, it's lorne greene. - i was hoping for conrad byron. - mom, what in the world are you doing? - just trying to show conrad my best profile. - look, i don't wanna hear any more out of you. i'm gonna unhook your horn. - ah, you were talking to your car, weren't you dave? - nope. - oh, don't be embarrassed. one grows very fond of these old cars. this is a fine one. finest. - it's an old ukulele from maui. - yes, yes. - you know how to play? - oh, i can remember sitting on the beach at night and strumming away. (guitar playing) - that's great! - spanish rhythm. - yeah! - i love you, that's what my heart is saying, while every breeze is playing - [voiceover] playing (singing together) i love you for all the joy you brought me, the lovely night you taught me our cuban love song. one melody is always in my heart. (moaning) i love you with such a tender passion and only you could fashion, our cu-hoo-hoo our cu-hoo-hoo our cu-hoo-hooban love song! - ole! you have a sort of an odd voice for a man. thank you. - well, and thank you for a wonderful interlude. now, i think i'd better go in and say good night to your lovely wife. - what's the big idea? - son, i have an important question. can a car with 470, 000 miles on her, find happiness with a gorgeous business executive of 60? - oh, i've had fun this evening. it was like going back to 1928. and, that beautiful little old porter, i was wondering, would you consider selling it? - oh, i'm sorry, mr. byron-- - how about straight trade? my limousine for the porter? - no-- - [barbara] oh, don't say no! - [conrad] and, don't forget, my private chauffeur goes with it. - a chauffeur and limousine, please trade, please? - his salary will be paid. - no, i'm sorry. - i'm sorry, mr. byron, my husband and i just don't see eye to eye when it comes to that porter. shall (mumbles), dave? - we'll talk about it when i get back, honey. - well, good night, mrs. crabtree. - good night. - i hope i haven't caused the tempest and the teapot of your little family. - not at all, mr. byron, no hard feelings. - oh, the hardest. but, i know exactly how you feel about that old car, dave. - thank you. good night, mr. byron. - good night. - conrad byron, he wanted to trade his chauffeur and limousine for you. he even got barbs into it, asking her. - yeah? and what did she say? - barbara was kinda for it. but i said, "no, absolutely not, uh-uh, negative!" - dave-- - don't worry, mom. it's gonna take more than a chauffeur and a limousine, and barbara to make me get rid of you. - dave-- - after all, you're my own mother. - and, you're my son and this isn't going to be easy to say, so listen carefully. - listening. - you should've said yes. - what? - trade me to conrad byron. - simple, i'm beautiful, he's gorgeous, we belong together. - mom, i just can't believe you want me to trade you to conrad byron. - u-b-b-i, baby! - u-b-b-i? - you better believe it, baby! now, call conrad and tell him to come right over and pick me up. - no, mom. absolutely no! right here is where you belong and right here is where you're gonna stay. - okay dear, i gave you your chance! ta-ta! you mean you'd really? - u-b-b-i, baby! - i don't b-b-i this whole thing. here you are happy with your own family and you wanna go gallivanting around with conrad byron. - that's the word exactly, gallivanting. - you know absolutely nothing about it. - i'm certainly not going to find out sitting in the garage, am i? david, for the last time, do you call him or do i call him? - conducting a scientific experiment, trying to forget i'm mad at you. (water boiling) look! a watch pot does too boil! hugh downs is right! hugh downs says that when you're really mad, concentrate very hard on something and then you'll forget why you're mad. - and you're mad at me because i won't trade the porter for the limousine, right? now you reminded me and i'm mad all over again. - hey, hold on there! hugh downs didn't say anything about throwing rocks at me, did he? - no. and first of all, this isn't a rock, it's a stone. now, why was i mad? - the chauffeur. - ooh, that's it! the chauffeur, the limousine, conrad byron, and that junkie old porter. oh, swell, now i forgot what to do with this stone. - okay barbs. don't thrown stones, don't gather moss, stop watching pots, and stop being mad at me. hello, mr. byron? this is mr. crabtree, we've decided to make the trade. yeah, that's we, my wife, myself, and hugh downs.

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