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Wed better get ready. Oh hi, everybody how are you . Wow well, heres archies birthday present. Thank you, louise. What a beautiful box what did you get him, louise . Oh, its not my present to archie. Its ediths. Yeah, louise kept it over at her house so archie wouldnt find out what it was. What is it, edith . Oh, i cant tell you. Its a secret. But its something archie has always wanted. Oh, mike well, ive got to be getting back. Remember, all of your guests are meeting over at my house first. Justin quigley and jo are already there. Oh right. Whos Justin Quigley and jo . Oh, honey, dont you remember . Theyre our new grandparents. We adopted them. Oh, thats right the old man that ma found Walking Around the street in his pajamas. Yeah. Well, im taking off. Wait a minute, louise would you mind taking that off, please, mike . I want you to look at the cake. There what do you think . Its beautiful. Frank lorenzo iced it for me. Happy 50th birthday, archie. I made up the words myself. Nice. Well, save me a big piece, edith. Who cares if it ruins this gorgeous sylphlike figure . [laughs] ciao, amigos. I better hide this in the closet. [edith gasping] Archie Archie wait a minute wait a minute where are you going, huh . Daddy, we didnt expect you home so soon. Yeah, its only 10 past 5. Oh, look at this. The meathead finally learned to tell time. Here i am, archie you come running at me like you was a linebacker. Im sorry. What kind of a greetings that . [sweetly] oh, hello, archie. All right, so im early. So what . Oh, i told everybody to come at 5 30 so they could surprise you. And you promised you wouldnt come til 6 to be surprised. How can we surprise you when youre here . You broke your promise to be surprised. I didnt break my promise. It was an act of god. An act of god . Thats right, you atheist, you oh, well, then, that wasnt god. That was an act of con edison. Well, who do you think runs con edison . Youre not gonna say god. Well, certainly, little girl. If you knew your bible, youd know that. God said, let there be light, and told edison to invent the bulb. I didnt think it could be done, but you did it, arch. You just killed the living bible. But what are we gonna do about the Surprise Party . Just forget the surprise, edith, and give the party. Oh, no, archie oh, come on, will you . I already had one Surprise Party today anyhow. You had a Surprise Party today . Yeah, down at work. Oh and i knew that one was coming too, the minute i seen that jerk stretch cunningham in the locker room, trying to put a 6inch candle on top of a twinkie. You should have been there, edith. All them guys at lunchtime gathering around there, wishing me happy birthday, blowing out the candle there. It made you proud to be an american. It must have been hard, cutting up that twinkie into all them little slices. Use your common sense. They shoved it into me in one piece. The thing that was hard was trying to make believe i was surprised. I had to say, what . Who . Me . Cut it out, will you . A mans got a right to his 49th birthday, aint he . Fiftieth, archie. No, it aint 50. Im 49. Youre 50, daddy. How can i be 50 on my 49th birthday . Because its your 50th birthday. No, it aint yes, it is. Hey there, little girl. I know how old i am. And it aint 50. How are you gonna do that . It says so on your birthday cake. Says so on your birthday cake. Well, im telling you that the cake is a liar arch, what difference does it make whether youre 49 or 50 . Ah, get away from me, you. Dont be trying to shove me over the hill ahead of my time. Fiftys not over the hill. Yeah, its easy for you to say. Youre 26. Twentyfive. E could have made a mistake. We could check your birth certificate. Dont waste your time. Hey, ma, wheres daddys birth certificate . I think its in the box next to all your baby shoes. Okay. Lets settle it. There aint nothing to settle, little girl. I told you, dont waste your time. Look at the time the guests will be here any minute what are we gonna do . Let them in. No no, archie. We cant. Youre here. These parties are not just for the guy being surprised. See, youre the surprisee. But these parties are also for the surprisers. Well, if im the surprisee, then ipso fatso, youre the jerkee. No, archie, we gotta think of the guests. Mikes right. No, he aint. Mike is dumb. What we gotta think of the guests for . All they gotta do is show up with the presents. But, arch, its psychological. Ha ha ha. Psychological once more we hear from dr. Sigmund freus. Arch, dont you see how upset these people are gonna be if you take away their chance to shout surprise . Yeah, archie, theyve all been looking forward to shouting at you. Gloria hey, ma is this the box . Oh, yeah. Im sure its in here. Archie, look gia, italy, 1944. Archie, if we knew how old you were then, we could figure out how old you are now. I know how old i am now fortynine today. Now, lets forget this. Will you do something useful and get me a beer . [doorbell rings] oh, its them its the guests come on, you gotta leave [all yelling] gloria give me your arm. What do you want me to do . Put on your coat you gotta go out the back door and in the front like youre coming home from work. And would you please act surprised . Come on, come on i can get out the door myself [doorbell rings] theyre at the door coming coming oh, hi [all exchanging greetings] oh, yeah, sure. Over at louises house. Only its still not mister and missus, edith. Oh, no, were still not married. And staying that way. Im sorry. Then this is mr. Quigley and miss nelson. No, its ms. Ms. Ms. Daddy will be here any minute. So why dont you all sit down and ill look out the window. Everybody sit down. Here he comes oh, here he comes edith out of sight you open the door, gloria. Oh, okay. Thats right. Shh hi, daddy ma, daddys home all surprise hey, hey, hey. Jeez. What . Who . Me . All . Happy birthday to you . . Happy birthday to you . . Happy birthday dear archie . . Happy birthday to you . You know, i still dont understand. Why didnt archie stay . I thought it was his birthday. I think the surprise was too much for him. I guess hes just taking a walk around the block. For two hours . Have poor memories nowadays. Well, hell be here. Lets all have a good time. Hey, will you get off the phone there, kelsey, and come and pour me a beer . Sorry to keep you waiting, arch, but that was kinda important. Yeah. Its my birthday. I got to spend it sitting here looking at you. Your birthday, huh . Well, seeing this is a special day for you, that is on the house. Happy birthday to you. Oh, its a lousy birthday for me. Oh, gee, im sorry you feel that way, arch. Say, how old are you today . Fiftyfive . Fiftysix . Hey kelsey what . Im 49. No kidding. Well, you sure could have fooled me well, listen, what are you going to do to celebrate . Nothing. Ive been to the movies. What did you see . Uh. The last tango in paris. You know, i went in there thinking they was bringing back one of them nice old movies. You know, gene kelly dancing around the eiffel tower in a sailor suit. All i seen was pure pornography. Well, aint that sexy . No, it aint sexy. The last time they made a sexy picture was with gloria dehaven. Gloria dehaven made sexy movies . Yeah. She made sexy movies. I tell you another one too, betty grable. And she was sexy. But, you see, her, she never showed you no sex, you know . What do you mean . What do i mean . She left it all in your, what you call, imagination, see . She left it in your mind. Thats where sex ought to be. No. Not for me, arch. No. Nnnot for you. I aint talking about you. Im talking about the movies. Do you know that they once insured no. I wouldnt give you two bits for marlo brandons legs. Or any other parts of him i just seen featured. I get the feeling you didnt like that movie. It was so filthy, i nearly walked out of it. Hey hello there, mrs. Bunker oh, jeez hello, mr. Kelsey. And what brings you down here . Well, it was your phone call. Ahhahaha so thats who you was talking to on the phone there . Aint nothing sacred no more . Whatever happened to a mans bar is his castle . Archie, dont blame mr. Kelsey. Mike called him and asked him to phone us if you came in here. Oh, the meathead done that. I suppose that makes it all right. To the party. No i aint going not if i have to be 50. What are you standing there for . Long as youre here, you might as well sit down. Hey, kelsey, bring me over another beer here and an orange crush for the missus. Oh, archie, everybodys waiting for you. Its your birthday party. Listen, that aint my birthday party. My birthday is 49. Gee. Fifty makes me think of all the things i aint done yet. Like what, archie . Oh, i dont know, edith, a lot of things. Well, for instance, i never rode a horse. I never had my picture in the paper. And i aint never ate oysters rockefeller. Edith, you just dont know what im trying to say to you, do you . Oh, yeah, i think i do, archie. I read about it in a magazine. It said that lots of men go through it at a certain age. I mean, its like when i went through the change. What . You know. The menopause. Shush go. And this is for our birthday boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking oh, dont do no more of that. But aint it funny . When it happens to a woman its called menopause. Edith will you please, huh . No change. Thats it [sighs] jeez, its getting hot in here. Hey, kelsey, do you have to keep this joint like a furnace . It aint that oh, archie i almost forgot i brought you your birthday present. Huh . What . A present . Yeah. Open it. See what it is. Look at the size what is it, edith . Its something youve always wanted. Oh, yeah . For me . Mmhmm. Hey, aint that nice . The box and all. Oh, oh. Oh gee, edith. Aint that beautiful . A sixstring ukulele. Just just like arthur godfreys. , thanks, edith. Happy birthday, archie yeah. Well, what the hell good is it . I cant play it. . Because god made the stars to shine . . Because god made the ivy twine . . Because god made the sky so blue . . That is the reason . . Why i love . . You . Oh, take me away. Gloria oh, ma, did you find daddy . Oh, yeah. I found him. Where is he . What happened . Didnt he come back with you . No. Well, what did he say . All oh, no. Does that mean we cant eat the cake . Then when my kid was six years old oh, gee. He was in the School Nativity play. Now, he practices all week as the innkeeper. Then the night they put the show on, he forgets his lines. When joseph and mary ask him if theres any room at the inn, you know what my kid says . No. What . He says, sure, were empty. Come on in. Come on, arch. Its pretty funny. Whats funny . The kids stupid. Oh, hi. Kelsey evening, mr. Quigley. Oh, hi there, quigley. Hey, wheres your girlfriend . Ah, she went home by cab. I felt like walking. I want one for the road. Whatll it be . A glass of ripple. Uh, gee, i think were out of it. Hey there, quigley, youre out a little bit past your beddybyes, aint you . Yeah, but i thought, well, im up this late, i may as well hang around for my birthday. Its your birthday too . At midnight, ill be 83 years old. Ooh. Eightythree. Did you hear that . And youre still celebrating birthdays . Looking forward to it. You know what jos giving me tomorrow . Frenchlanguage records. Youre going to start learning french . Something i always wanted to do. You mean to tell me youre planning on maybe taking a trip to france . Well, you never know. You know the old saying, a rolling stone. Yeah. Can give you a hell of a bruise. Hey, let me ask you something, quigley. Not til i was 63. Sixtythree . Mmm. What about a ukulele . I dont think you can ride a ukulele. I didnt mean that. I mean, uh, me. That i was thinking maybe id learn how to play one. Oh, yeah . Yeah. You know, play some of them nice songs like home on the range, south of your border. Et. Oh, yeah. Modern stuff. Mmhmm. You ought to hear the songs i was brought up with. You young sprigs have missed out on a lot of good tunes. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You hear what hes calling us here . You and me, young sprigs. [laughs] well, maybe to him we are young sprigs, huh, kels . And after all, maybe we are. Sure. You know what im just thinking now . The times. Mmm. Ill try to remember that. Hey, listen, back at the house, that birthday cake back there. Did they swallow it all . Oh, no. They saved a big piece for you. Yeah . Come on lets go get it. Oh, that wont be necessary. You just hold on for a minute. Huh . Hey, come on in, gang here we are all . Happy birthday to you . . Happy birthday to you . . Happy birthday, dear archie . Glenn miller played . . Songs that made the hit parade . . Guys like us we had it made . . Those were the days . . And you knew where you were then . . Girls were girls and men were men . . Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again . . Didnt need no welfare state . . Everybody pulled his weight . . Gee, our old lasalle ran great
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